For those who haven't heard yet, I was one of the staff writers on "Date Everything!", that new visual novel that's taking Twitch by storm where you romance a bunch of humanized pieces of furniture around your home. I'm a freak, so I wrote a branching musical for my chair character Chairemi and over 40 minutes of rap battles for Jean-Loo the toilet.
I talk more about my time on the project in the Chairemi post. This one is just for Jean Loo, because he was an absolute monster to write.
I was randomly assigned the toilet and had zero interest in him until I saw his design and that he was a weird french rapper, at which point I suddenly had seven thousand ideas for the toilet.
These are most of my demos for both Jean Loo's raps that I submitted along with his script. To romance Jean Loo you must beat him in three rapping mini games: The first is basic rhyming. The second is basic couplets. The third is a full-fledged rap battle with branching options depending on the player's stats.
It's very hard to organize these raps into a singular file including all the fail states (many of which have raps), so I've mostly just included the "successful" choices here.
TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 - Meeting Jean Loo0:52 - Player leaves1:10 - Intro - Crap Battle 11:16 - Intro - Crap Battle 21:42 - Crap Battle 2 (Call and Response)2:30 - THE FINAL BOSS RAP BATTLE9:06 - Returning after the Rap Battle (Hate, Friend, and Love endings)9:44 - Extra Failstates I likeI will... Do my best to convert the original text to lyrics. For this 10 minute stretch. Yikes.
You might just want to use crtl+f to find the one you're looking for.
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LYRICS:
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--- INTRODUCTION ---Little Crapper the rapper he knows how to goPlumbing and drumming are both about flowYou block his pipes he'll be ending your lifeWhen he slams your head into the bowl!Oh! On a (toilet) roll!Jean Loo Pissior, out of control!Over? Under?Never blunder!Spittin' more words than an an ancient scroll.
---
You come to hear his beats, eh?Or maybe you ate a pizz-a?D'jou come to take a seatSo you can deposit the foods you eat, eh?
---
"To know me"?"To know me"?!This human thinks that they own me!There's always one thing on my mindAnd always one thing only!I'm a rapper!The best you've seenA shining dream in por-ce-leen!
---I'm like a bidet only spitting the truth.Going down quicker than gin and vermouth.They call me a pottymouthLetting the naughty outBut that's the way to appeal to the youth.
---
The ladies, gentlemen, and those betweenWill be hanging off your arm in a limousineProvided you can preenIf you can caterwaulBut without rapping you will not be dating at all!
--- PLAYER BACKS OUT ---
Sometimes the Crapper's too lyrical.Sometimes his words are mysteri-cal.Frankly it's sort of a mircale thatHis listeners aren't left weary, y'all
Some need a restroom with whistles and bells.Faucet and sink in the shape of a shell.Can't understand all the words that he spells.Figures the sheep would return to their cells.
...Though some of them say that it's just 'cause he smells.
--- CRAP BATTLE 1 INTRO ---
When pairing these couplets, there's only one catch:The final two phonemes, they both have to match!
--- CRAP BATTLE 2 INTRO ---
The smoothest rhyme isn't really smoothIf the rapper don't know how it's used.
--- GOOD AND BAD EXAMPLES ---
My NAME'S Lee-uh CRAP-perI LIKE to CRAP!The WORDS come OUT of my YAP!
My name's Lil' Crapper, the master of rap.Hopin' to pull out potential untapped.Liftin' you out of the deathtrapUp by your bootstrapsBetter rhyme? Choose thatNotice the assonance that I am choosingThe vowels of words in a row I am using.internal rhyme every time, I am cruisingYou're trippin' like Beverly when she is boozin'.
--- CRAP BATTLE 2, CORRECT RESPONSES ONLY ---
[JLP]Walk into the bathroom, early mornin'Everything is fine, then without warnin'Suddenly you're ass-up over feet...
[PLAYER]Turns out I forgot to lift the seat!
[JLP]Now you're late for your date after cleaning upAnd you make it out the door, but you're feelin' roughThen you look, and you're shook, and you just explode...
[PLAYER]You turn around to find that your car's been towed!
---
[JLP]You want words that ASSONATE.Want words that RESONATE.Want to ALLITERATE.Or you're ILLITERATE!
---
La mer, la merComment j'aime la merOthers claim the same but they don't really care.Hopped up in their yachtTheir morals elastic...
[PLAYER]Dredging her depths with their mastheads of plastic!
[JLP]Her water's my bloodHer pipes are my bonesConnected to the ocean when your bullshit gets thrownEvery barge-full of garbageMakes me an anarchist.
[PLAYER]This shit won't be done 'til the one who's in charge is!
==== FINAL CRAP BATTLE ====
[JLP]Little Crapper, he taught you 'cause he is the bestBut his professing's over, now here comes his test!There's only one lesson that's left for this fool!It's time Jean Loo taught you the meaning of "schooled"!
[PLAYER, basic response]You think you're the best, that's why you're here alone?White knight up on high on his porcelain throne?Think you're too hot to touch? Man, you think that you're boilin'?The truth is that no one will hang with a toilet!
[JLP, basic response]Oh! So slick!You cut him to the quick.It's possible his solutide is just 'cause he's a dick.But, zut alors! You're so poor at even basic chores!You're not allowed to throw handsWhen you don't even wash yours!
(or)
[PLAYER, fast response]Oh! Is that it?Oh! All you got?You keep on talkin' big, manShit or get off the pot!I been sittin' here for a million yearsAnd your basic rhymes got me bored to tearsYou act like you're too cool for school?No one hangs with you 'cause you're frickin' weird!
[JLP, fast response]Whoa! Okay!Whoa! Alright!I try to take it easy but you itching for a fight?When you came to me it was plain to seeThat you barely understandWhat can you expect from a human wreckThat doesn't wash their hands?
---
[PLAYER, poise response]
Poor Jean Loo, eh? What's he gonna do?He thinks he got me cornered but it's just not true.If he were observant he'd see that I'm itchin'To get away from him. I use the sink in the kitchen!
(or)
[PLAYER, empathy response]
He thinks that I'm dirtyHe's gettin' so wordyBut he's just projectin', this poor little birdy.He's feelin' stagnationFrom his lonely station!Ooh, so much frustration!If they could only see.Try a decoration. Try some pot pourriBecause "Being from France"Is not a personality!
(or)
[PLAYER, sass response - this is probably the best chunk in the whole route imo]So I don't wash my handsThat's 'cause you're not worth itYou're lower on the totemThan the worms in the earth isLower than the dirt isSmaller than a germ isAsk anyone elseI assure they'll confirm it.
---
[JLP]
All this bravadoThese brash words you're hashingThese teeth you are gnashingIt's trash, you're just thrashing!Your ass ain't a match for this porcelain seat.Come face your defeat.I say "c'es la vie."You're like a bull in a china shopTryin'a stop me.
[PLAYER, poise response]Not a bull, but I am an an-i-malAin't a set 'a rhymes that I can't handle.Without care, I am the hareAnd bitch, you just a turtleYou set these rhymes an inch highAnd try to call 'em hurdles?I run 'round you in circles!I set the paceI win the raceI leave you in the dirt! Oh!
(or)
[PLAYER, smarts response]
Big words from the man who's a bowl himself!You're lucky you ain't china, you'd get left on the shelf!Overzealous, you jealous this bull's a better breedMan, you gettin' smoked more than a bowl that's fulla weed
(or)
[PLAYER, charm response]
What a lovely chorusHow'd you know that I'm a Taurus?The thing about us bullsWe're good at recognizing red(I bet you kinda like it when my ass is on your head)(And when I start to spread)
[JLP]Huh?!
[PLAYER]Ooh, he starts to blush!Ooh, he's got a crush!You try to hide the flusterThat you got from what you just heardThe flushing's just too obviousIt doesn't cut the mustardToo much! Too much!Oh, did I say too much~?You act like you invincibleYet shudder at my touch!
---
[JLP]
You act like an aceBut that card ain't worth muchEven four of them acesCan't beat a straight flush!Your meter? It's whack!Your rhymes? Obtuse!I'm dropping a beatWhile you're dropping a deuce!
[PLAYER, empathy response]Like the French word for birdGot rhymes out the oiseauI'm better than youBetter than Jean LooOh, he knows that it's trueI'm performin' a coupDe grâceIt's a faux pas to thinkHe has a shotHe's sure to surrenderWhen he sees what I gotHe'll have to agreeI outshine him like chromeWhen he's gone he'll say"Oui oui oui" all ze way home!
(or)
[PLAYER, smarts response]He thinks he so clever, then I turn this leverIn only a moment, the overflow's severedYou ain't off the chain, bro. When I turn his handleThat chain always breaks like a cheap tabloid scandal!"I'm dapper!" "A rapper!"Calm down, whippersnapperHe flushes forever 'til I fix his flapperHe whines, wasting waterI'm runnin, he toddersWhen I face the Crapper?My God, it's a slaughter
---
[JLP, final rap]
Fightin' like a betta but you're only an omegaA fish inside a net, you're only' gettin wetterSmaller than a zettaNo chance for your vendettaThe letters in my bars are simply alpha-better
AB, AB, maybe a C'Cause you can't beat meAnd soon you'll see
I hit you with a triplet, then I go and triple-itIf your rap is slow, then bro, I'm gonna cripple itHome run on ev-er-y throw, you're always wiffin' itI'm rollin' in the dough, you're only wishin' it
Every single, every album, always printin' cashFaster than you wipe a dingle from your assUpturn the cistern, I got a secret stashMeasure the treasure here that I've amassedHow you think I fund all of those famous capers?I got more rolls of hundos than toilet papers!More TP than a Cherokee!Eventually, they always mention me!All the honeys see my money wanna marry meBut this funny dunny doesn't pay alimonySlinging words like Lemony SnicketIf I see a litter you know I get the pick of itGroup against the shitter? You know I'm gonna picket itGot a pair of titters? I'm always in the thick of 'em!Haters think I'm shitty? Guess what, bitch? I'm sick of 'em!
[PLAYER, smarts]
You're fast at both rap and securing your lossAn ass who grows on me more slowly than mossOr a lichen, although all your lines are like lightnin'This shit's ahistorical man, it's just frightnin'!The likening hurts! This blabbin'? the worst!He can't tell a tent from a cabin or yurt?Like a tree you will see that the mighty can fall'Cause the Cherokee never used tepees at all!
(or)
[PLAYER, empathy]
Oho! He's a demonOoh! He's an oniWants you to forget he's one-trick pony!Wearin' a crownSpittin' nounsLike a clownThe undisputed kingOf this two-horse town
Trapped inside of this water closet-edThat a hominid Deposited him—in!Now he spends all his time vomitin'Up all these promisesFillin' up his li—id!
He tells himself he's gotta be the bestPass the testCause soon, someone will come for himAnd in the meanwhileHe's always mean. Why?He rejects the others here that come and try to comfort him.Some advice from an angel I find to be true:"Give up on the world and the world ends with you."
(or)
[PLAYER, empathy or charm]
Yeah man, you got moneyYou got the skill and fameBut who cares that you kill at a one-player game?These people you slander,You say they can't handleYour ironclad standards?I'll hand you, Jean Loo, you've got talent to spareBut you never to share it, so why would we care?I think that deep down in the depths of your mindYou know that there's one thing you just cannot findSomeone who can blendWith your rhymes and your beatsSomeone you call friendMaybe it can be me?
(or)
[PLAYER, sass response]
Oh! Urine-a whole lot of trouble, man!Burst your bubble, manHere's my master plan:Bash this disaster, kick the can!The can, the canThe can can't kick itIf there is a landing he will never stick itThis dunny is a dunce, the John don't know what's goin' onDon't know that he's face-to-face with a phenomenonImpossible to read, I'm like the NecronomiconThe million ways that Jean's been beat? I could go on and on!Ooh! This latrine's been treated!The cess pool tried to mess, now he's defeatedThis sorry lavatory can't take another hitYou can tell he's experienced at eating shit
--- Hate ending ---
If you can't understand Jean Loo's rhythm and rhymeThen he shouldn't have bothered or given his time!
--- Friend ending ---
[JLP]Hey, hey, hey, heyIt's my protégéeSeein' the pro today?What have you got to say?
[PLAYER]While I respect the man,Yo, I respect the wordsmithI'm here for the toilet'sIntended purpose
--- Love ending ---
[JLP]It's my partner in crime, my confidantLittle Crapper, he wonders what they could want?
[PLAYER]Yo, enough of that prattle, I'm here for a battle!I'll beat you so hard that your bowl's gonna rattle!
[JLP]A rattle and binky are just what you'll needA bottle to pop in your jaws of defeat!I think maybe, this bébé, they should've abstainedNow open wide, child, 'cause here comes the pain!
--- PLAYER FAILS THE SMARTS CHECK IN THE BULL VERSE ---
[PLAYER]Yeah I'm like a bull! An un-flap-a-bull!My scientific name is especially cool!They call me Bos Taurus, 'cause I'm the boss of us!Uh...Vulcanization is a process in... rubbus.Rubber. Is what I mean.Um...
[JLP]Sounds like you got a beef but you sure ain't cookin' itThe burger heard "well-done", but it sure ain't lookin' itYou want a grade of "passa-bull"?I'd say that is improba-bull!Impossi-bull! Unstoppa-bull!You're on a bun, I'm on a roll.
--- PLAYER FAILS THE POISE CHECK IN THE BULL VERSE ---
[JLP]Lil' Crapper the rapper's an expert on assesSat on by the massesHe knows which one passesThe debonair derrieresThey sit on him without a careThick enough skin that an insult won't scare-em.Thought you could bare-'em!Jean Loo, it seems his insults, damn how they must hurtConsidering your ass I didn't think you'd get butthurt.
There are more, but it's impossible to format all of them. Hope you enjoyed! Which rap is your favorite?