The Cruel Ivy Killer is famous for the brutality of her kills.Not all of them, of course. Many were quick and simple.But others were remarkably cruel.Her moniker was earned through the latter.
She earned that reputation. I will not argue that.The adaptations of her story tend to get one thing wrong, however.She was not at her cruelest with her methods of violence.
Violet wasn’t simply cruel to strangers.No. She was at her worst with those who thought she was their friend.—Daisy Whitaker, “Cruelty in Color”
“What do you mean?” Aubrey asked, walking across the room and sitting next to Violet on the same bed. Violet gripped her left arm nervously and looked up at the ceiling.
“I don’t know how to say this. But I have to, because it’s eating me alive, Aubrey. I have to say the words out loud to someone. And I know. I know you’ll probably start to hate me again when I do. But I also… well. After Stephanie…” Violet trailed off, then sighed and shook her head. “Sorry, I shouldn’t bring that up. It’s just, I feel like if anyone will really understand how I feel, it will be you.” Aubrey tensed, but didn’t protest.
“I won’t hate you, Violet. I just didn’t know you, before. And I reacted without thinking. But that's not who I am. I won’t hate you, I promise,” Aubrey replied. Violet bit her lip and looked down at her feet, like Aubrey’s words were weights settling onto her head one by one.
“That’s easy to say, but… Well. I guess I’m stalling. I came here early because I need to get this off my chest, and I think you might be the only person I can really trust with it. It’s just… Aubrey, I’m so ashamed…” Violet said, tapering off to a whisper as she spoke.
Aubrey bit her own lip, then put one hand on Violet’s back. “It’s alright. You can say, or not say, whatever it is. I promise, I won’t hate you,” she repeated. Violet took a deep breath.
“Alex and I… we weren’t doing well. You knew that, of course. But, well. I guess I never really told you how miserable I was with him,” Violet answered. Aubrey’s face hardened.
“Was he hurting you?” she immediately asked. Violet immediately shook her head.
“No, no. Nothing like that,” she dismissed.
“Emotionally or physically. Abuse is abuse, and you can call it what it is if he was hurting you,” Aubrey insisted. Violet sniffed.
“I know. But no, it wasn’t like that. Not… on purpose, anyway? I don’t know. He wasn’t a bad guy. It was just… this weight of obligation. We were together for so long, you know? And he wasn’t a bad guy, but he wasn’t a nice guy, either. I felt like I was tied to him. Like I had to spend my future with him, because at some point, and without ever vocalizing it, I promised my entire life to him. I don’t know when it started feeling that way. But he was coming here to be with me. His mom’s idea, I think. Everyone wanted us together, both of our families. And leaving him felt like it would hurt everyone. Not just him, and not just me. But… he didn’t even like me, really. He didn’t hate me, but he didn’t like me. You know what that’s like, don’t you? Being with someone who doesn’t even want to be around you? Feeling like you have to be with them?” Violet asked. Aubrey sighed, and nodded.
“I think that’s normal, Violet. But…” Aubrey trailed off, letting the implication hover in the air like toxic gas.
“But then he disappeared,” Violet finished. “He disappeared, and it may very well have been my fault. Because I was lashing out at him. Because I didn’t think before I spoke, and he… I don’t know. Wanted some space? Some time to think? Because I acted in the moment. And now he is dead. And I…” Violet trailed off this time, water forming in her eyes and running down her cheeks as she struggled to get the words out.
Aubrey began to rub one hand on Violet's back. “We don’t know what happened. We don’t know why he went into the mist. And honestly, Violet, you are so open to other people forgiving themselves. You need to have a little more grace with yourself,” Aubrey insisted. Violet scoffed.
“Do I? You saw it. I treated him horribly. How can I not blame myself for that?” Violet challenged.
“I saw a couple fighting, as couples do. I just… projected a little, at first. But I also saw what you are really like when it actually matters. You aren’t the reason Alex didn’t make it here. You are the reason everyone else did. You have nothing to feel guilty for,” Aubrey replied. Violet responded with a humorless laugh.
“That’s the thing, though. That’s exactly why I feel like shit. Because… Aubrey. Aubrey, I don’t feel guilty. I feel… ugh. It sounds so sick to say it out loud. But I feel relieved. It’s so fucked up, but I… I have my future back. My agency. If I never mention the way I spoke to Alex before he disappeared, no one will blame me for wanting my own life anymore. Alex’s mom pushed him to come with me. My parents wanted us together, too. It felt like, at some point, I’d lost any control over how my life ended up. But now. Now I have that back. I am free, and I get to decide who I marry, if anyone at all, and what I want to do with my future. I don’t have to break up with him anymore. I can just… be me. For maybe the first time in years. So instead of the guilt I've earned, I feel relieved. And that… Aubrey, there must be something broken about me. What is wrong with me?” Violet sobbed. The gentle tears devolved into full weeping as she spoke.
Aubrey looked down at her own feet, and she tensed, but she didn’t withdraw her hand from Violet.
“No,” Aubrey whispered. Violet sniffled.
“No, what? No, I’m not a monster? No, it’s normal to feel relief when an innocent man dies? No, what, Aubrey? No, the way I treated him couldn’t possibly have driven him into the mist?” Violet snapped.
“No,” Aubrey repeated. “No, there is nothing wrong with you. And no, you don’t lack guilt. Violet, it’s written all over your face! You are in my room, a woman you barely know, and you are sobbing because of Alex. Of course you feel guilty. You just still believe the lie that you can't want your own life. That you don't deserve it. You deserve to feel relieved. You just… you got some small good that came with something horrible. And you don’t know how to feel, because good is good, and you have ached for it. I know that ache, Violet. That desperate hope to be yourself again. I have lived it. And it sucks. Because the thing that finally gave it to you is horrible. And you are you. You always want everyone to be safe. But that’s not all you are. You’re harsher on yourself than anyone else. I’ve known you for barely a week, and both things are obvious. Just… let yourself feel both things.”
Violet calmed her crying as Aubrey spoke, but didn’t stop. Instead, she replaced the sobbing with slow, deep breathing, and the water continued to run down her cheeks. Every few breaths were interrupted by a sudden and sharp gasp, which ran through Aubrey's fingers and encouraged her to maintain contact. Violet pressed her hands to her face.
“I’m such an idiot. I wasn’t supposed to cry,” she whispered. Aubrey shook her head.
“It’s been boiling over,” Aubrey said. “This is better than bottling it up.” Violet sniffled.
“I just… I don’t know how to act. I really want class to be good. I want to make a good impression on everyone. I want to grieve Alex, and I also want to enjoy being on my own. If I let the grief take over, I feel like I’m betraying myself. If I don’t, I know I am betraying Alex. I just feel so… awful. I feel good, and I feel awful for feeling good. Because he’s dead, Aubrey. I know he is dead. And he didn’t deserve it. And if I could, I would bring him back in an instant. But... But I was going to break up with him. I was. If I could have just broken up with him when we got here, I could have felt okay about it. Not great. He’d still be away from home, and for no reason. But at least he’d be alive. We could both have our lives, and I could be happy about that without feeling so… disgusting,” Violet said, her voice very slowly returning to normal as she did.
“Did he hate you?” Aubrey asked. Violet paused.
“No? I don’t think so,” she answered. “We didn’t love each other anymore. But we didn’t hate each other.”
“Then can you maybe believe he would want you to pursue happiness in public, and grieve in private?”
The question was exactly what Violet was waiting to hear. She froze, then looked up at Aubrey with eyes like stained glass. An expression in different pieces and colors, but full of hope.
“Can I do that? Can I do that and still deserve any happiness?” Violet asked.
Aubrey sighed. “I think so. You can try, anyway,” she answered. Violet looked back down, and the room was quiet for a heavy moment. She sniffled again, then wiped her nose on her bare arm. It was a bit disgusting, but the mask she was wearing wouldn’t care. So she did it anyway. “Oh, gosh, let me get you a tissue, I’m sorry!”
As Aubrey retrieved the tissue in question, Violet made a show of calming herself little by little, until she finally stopped crying. By the time the other girl returned, Violet was wearing a soft smile, if a fragile one.
“Thanks, Aubrey,” Violet said, breaking the silence as she accepted the tissue. She sniffled one more time before blowing her nose. “I’m sorry. This is a lot to unload on you at four in the morning. It’s… not what I meant to do. I just wanted to get it off my chest, and… Well, I don’t know why I felt you deserved to know. But for some reason, I felt like I owed you an explanation. If I’m acting strange in class today, I mean. I feel stupid.” Aubrey actually smiled at Violet.
“Nah, I totally get it. That’s not the kind of thing to leave unsaid, if you can avoid it. I was happy to listen. And after my first night living with Ajia, it’s nice to be reminded that some people are just as messed up as I am, instead of perpetually happy,” Aubrey laughed. A moment later, she smacked her hand over her mouth, her eyes widening. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean you’re messed up, that just… came out. Fuck, that was messed up to say, wasn’t it?”
It was Violet’s turn to laugh as she shook her head. “No, no, you are fine,” Violet chuckled. “Well, except for the unnecessary profanity. The resource of a small mind, remember? But other than that, honestly, you’re right. I am messed up. It’s probably the whole reason I came here. Just to talk to someone as messed up as I am. Who understood what it feels like to make a mistake that gets someone killed. Thanks for hearing me out.” Aubrey tensed at the reminder of Stephanie’s death, but Violet had brought it up so casually and was moving on so quickly that Aubrey didn’t have a chance to address it. “Come on. I’m tired of crying, and I think I've gotten it out of my system. I’m ready to pretend everything is okay, at least for a while. I promised Kiera we’d meet up before class. Try to introduce ourselves to everyone together, you know? She’s waiting for us in our room.”
Aubrey was a little dizzy with the conversational whiplash, so she nodded, deciding to ignore Violet’s unintentionally harsh words. “Oh, are you roomed with Kiera? I wasn’t sure if she’d be in class with us or not. I knew you would be just based on everything you’ve done, but everyone else is a guess,” she asked. Violet sniffed, let her smile slip briefly, then stitched it back to her face.
“Oh, Kassie didn’t get the chance to tell you, huh? She said she’d come here after we met her. I figured you’d know already,” Violet replied. Aubrey shrugged.
“She did, but she didn’t mention either of you. She seems… a bit excitable and easily distracted. I don’t get the impression she’s the type to consider that we’d even want to know,” Aubrey answered. Violet laughed again, this time offering more of her voice and energy to the expression.
“I can’t say you’re wrong there,” Violet chuckled. “But hey, at least we have a healer, right? I wonder if that’s why she’s the class president.” Aubrey shrugged.
“I guess we’ll find out soon. Come on, let’s go,” she replied. She made it a few steps toward her door, and Violet was about to stand and follow, when she paused and looked over her shoulder. “I’m really glad you spoke to me, Violet. Let me know if you need a break at any time today. I’ll make sure you get a chance to breathe.”
Violet was in control.