[Short Story] Earth, The Demon Lord, and Cat Memes

Earth doesn’t have magic.

That’s about to change though, much to our misfortune.

A decade ago, all of Earth received a warning.

See, a few thousand years ago there was a Stellar Imperium with sci-fantasy levels of tech. Most important was the development of faster than light communication because the wave of magic travels at the speed of light. Not because it is limited by said speed, but rather because the “Wave of Darkness” borrows heavily from the concept of light and so to boost its power and maintain stability, it self-limits.

This is an important detail and how I’m here in the first place, but let me set the scene a little more.

Magic isn’t inherently anti-tech. It is, however, anti-mass-production. For things to work, it needs the “human touch” so even something as simple as clothes will fall apart if made by a machine. Which instantly gimped all but the highest levels of tech that still needed to be hand-produced. Which fortunately meant the FTL coms survived, and the first worlds to be subsumed of that imperium were able to send out a warning.

Yeah, they didn’t survive the “Wave of Darkness” very well, what with it summoning in a Demon Lord for every life-bearing planet it passes over. A big problem considering this imperium was big on large space station habitats, which all ended up counting as their own individual planets. They were, however, able to develop message drones capable of light-speed travel and sent them off well ahead of the wave. 

Ergo, the warning Earth got and more importantly, what tech-based magic they managed to figure out. Chief of which allowed Earth to turn the large hadron collider into a ritual that pierced dimensions to summon in capital ‘H’ Heroes. This caused a bit of an uproar when people realized that the worst-case theories weren’t as crackpot as many believed.

In the end, though, it did work and they did summon in a decent number of Heroes. Which were almost more important for the knowledge they had of magic and what would work tech-wise. And to make it clear in case you weren’t clues in already, I’m one of those Heroes.

The Failed Hero.

Nine years ago when they summoned us all, I was only 15 and a bit of a slacker. Which, back on my old world, was fine! I was the one in a thousand years prodigy. Able to learn spells in days that would take others weeks or even years, and a Mana pool deeper than the ocean.

One problem. I didn’t Actually learn all that magic. It was intuition and fancy casting devices. In other words, useless on Earth. Without an auto-wand, I can’t cast any of my spells and I don’t know the first thing about how to make an auto-wand! And don’t get me started on magical theory.

I learned more when they placed me in public school than I had on my old world! And no one here can use magic except for some large-scale rituals that can harness the stagnant Mana that exists everywhere.

We are days out from the arrival of a Demon Lord with their full retinue and army, but we’re still working with theory because the damn wave hasn’t passed by yet and shaken up the Mana into a usable form! So yeah, sucks to suck, I guess.

I actually had to go into witness protection because people were pissed when they found out I was worthless. And yeah, after a couple years of hiding with only Internet access and a therapist, I uh. Hmm. I came out alright?

Let me tell you, Earth has an amazing culture of entertainment. Of storytelling and art. The couple of years before entering public school had them cramming me full of “common sense”. Which meant basically knowledge and classical art, music, and literature.

Then public school happened and well, Internet culture, anime, and video games kind of took over. Especially since they stopped caring as long as I got passing grades. I’m not even sure if the public remembers who I was at this point? Not like there was a round number of Heroes where missing one would make the number seem off or something.

I can’t blame them. It isn’t even because I’m a kid. There were ten-year-olds summoned in who knew more than I did! At this point, I’m pretty sure my world had been grooming me to be a figurehead of some sort. A dunce who only knew spells and only cast them when told. So despite the derision and general malaise I’ve experienced, it is probably for the best that I ended up here. Least that’s what I’ve come to after years of work with my therapist.

So yeah, it’s T minus three and a half days till the wave passes us by and T minus five days before the Demon Lord arrives. You’d think they’d remember me at this point, but nope! I’m just wasting away on a government subsidy. Though I picked up a part-time job as a cashier at a place that sells anime nonsense. Mostly for the employee discount and a bit of spare change since they complain if I use too much money on merch.

Best part? Well, the depressing part? The store is still open. They have people scheduled to work already for the next week, during the invasion! Not me, mind you. While I am the “Failed Hero”, I still have some inside sources and so knew the exact date of arrival at the beginning of the year.

So you better believe I made sure to schedule this week off way back when! Been quite vocal about my “vacation” and how if they tried scheduling me, I wasn’t even going to be in the area.

Which is a lie of course. I’m battening down the hatches! All the other Heroes can go fight the Demon Lord. This hero is saying home!

And like that, three days pass.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

Damn, someone’s at my door. “Tell the boss I wasn’t here! I already scheduled the time off and I’m bloody well going to use it!”

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

Just got to ignore it.

“This is the police! Open up!”

What the?!

“We will count to ten before taking this door off its hinges!”

Oh, that sounds serious. “Keep your shirts on while I put mine on!” I’ve also got to throw a pair of shorts on as well, but they don’t need to know that.

Okay, properly dressed now, let’s open the door and see what kind of trouble washed up on my doorstep. I unlock the door and begin to open it when it is ripped out of my grip and slammed the rest of the way by whoever is waiting outside.

Well, they weren’t lying. There are cops. More important to the situation are the feds and a few of my fellow Heroes. They’re spouting something about finally paying back my debt to the world or some such. Yeah, I simply space them out after that. I get what’s up, the child kidnappers aren’t happy with just letting me live.

Anyway, they bundle me up in a military transport of some sort and drag me to the nearby base. There they ran me through a physical, probably expecting me to fail.

Hah! Jokes on them. I kept up my physical conditioning. While I certainly didn’t seem like it here, I’d have probably qualified more as a jock back home. Even now that it is real, people here on Earth see magic as more of a nerd thing.

It’s different with the other magical traditions they have access to, but on my home world, you needed a strong body to cast strong magic! The auto-wand does all the delicate stuff. My job was to shove as much Mana through my body as physically possible. I simply don’t appear how they assume someone should look with an exercise routine. Bah! A proper mage focuses on density over bulk.

Now everyone is outside, away from buildings, and watching the sky. Well, I’m not. There’s nothing to see, after all. The wave is going AT light speed. By definition, we can’t see it coming.

Instead? I watch the people. They stopped paying attention once they had me here, but I don’t have that luxury.

Hot top over there? Hates my guts. Says he’s a proficient fire mage. I say he’s a poser because if there is one thing I know about? No matter how much they put it down, self-control in the personality-warping effects of magic is of prime importance! So his hot-headed personality means he's, ironically, not doing so hot.

Then we have “The Twins”. Even on Earth without any active Mana to use, they managed to maintain a psionic link. Interdependence at its finest! Nothing against freaky twin nonsense, mind you. But to properly raise them they need space to grow on their own. After all, a merge is only as good as the components, and with those two being some in each other’s heads? Might as well only be one of them since they overlap so much. I never saw it myself, but twins that connected on my original world would be taught paired or opposing elements so they each could bring as much to the merge as possible.

And don’t get me started on the siren wannabe. She was actually summoned in at the same spot I was. Didn’t even realize there wasn’t Mana to use and tried a “Charm”ing voice on the soldiers. Master of mind control? More like free will abuser who should have been locked up. Honestly, being at the same location as her is both the worst thing and likely on purpose.

Ten to one they plan to use her to make me suicidally aggressive against the Demon Lord. The idiots. I can see what’s about to happen with my eyes closed. And there’s nothing I can do about it because they won’t believe me and the countdown magitech says we have less than a minute. Oh, someone's doing a countdown. I must be out of it to have missed when that started up.

5

4

3

2

1

Contact!

I clench my body and prevent the Mana from entering my pool. It’ll suck not to have magic, but I wouldn’t have, anyway.

Firetop turned around, I think to laugh at me because I was wearing my own shorts and shirt instead of the plain white linen clothes they had been provided. Jokes on him! I handmade this pair of clothes. Though having my shoes melt and slough off my feet wasn’t pleasant.

And yep, singing starts right away. And what do you know? I’m just being buffeted by the backwash. I can’t be certain without opening myself the Mana and becoming susceptible, but it seems she is targeting the twins as the primary threat.

Which, to be fair, isn’t a terrible choice. Psionic twins tend to self reinforce themselves against outside mind magic. Anyway, this should clear itself up right quick. Time to put my fingers in my ears and muffle them.

*BANG*

And one “Hero” down. Earth isn’t stupid and it has more than enough lawyers. Said lawyers went over that “Hero summoning” ritual with a fine-toothed comb. Within it, they found restrictions on what being a hero meant. Which boiled down to wanting and being able to assist in saving the humans of this planet from a Demon Lord. There was nothing about How they did it or what state things were left afterwards.

Welp, a day and a half till the Demon Lord spawns. Now to see what they want of me. Still clenching, though.

Heh, the general, or whatever this military suits rank is, doesn’t look happy. They hoped she would put the mind screw on us Heroes before spreading it to the soldiers and support staff. Seems she only managed to get the twins partly under her thumb.

Now it is back down into the base. There’s magic now, so obviously they have to test us! Except I don’t really have much Mana at the moment. Nevermind the fact that I can’t cast any spells from my past. They do want something, so I’ll just show them something I figured out.

ฅ⁠^⁠•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠^⁠ฅ

Heh, cat emoticon. But yeah, they weren’t impressed by me projecting that with the dregs of Mana I had left in me after all these years. And yeah, they’re sending me out as one of the first to face the Demon Lord. They’re just going to shove me on a combat suit.

Which wouldn’t be so big, except we’re going to be heading them off at the pass. As in, space. I’m going to space in a magitech rocket. I didn’t even know that they had managed to hand craft something to that scale! The fact there are so many suits rated for combat in space? Well now, maybe Earth has more of a chance than I had expected?

After learning that they don’t give me much time to think things over and soon we’re on a rocket ship. Which apparently isn’t the only one? How did they make so many? But yeah, I’m between a couple of regular soldiers, though there are around 20 other heroes on this ride as well. Probably 19 exactly since they like round numbers.

And into space!

Blarg.

I wasn’t quite trained enough for a rocket ship. Though somehow they managed to make it survivable by everyone and now, we’re out in space, heading towards the location the Demon Lord is going to spawn in. I guess there was more than the hero summoning magic they figured out.

And we arrived. The ships are our ride back though, so we got kicked out and are all floating here in our suits as the ships back off. Kind of impressive how many people they got up here to face the Demon Lord.

And I’m bored. Because guess what? No Internet up here. I’ll meditate until the time arrives.

Which works until the last hour or so. Seems keeping the Mana out helps with my ability to sense what is going on around me. So yeah, I can feel the Mana begin to vibrate. Kind of ominous, which, fair enough.

So I spend the last bit of time going over what few plans I have and playing with my suit’s controls. Making slight adjustments and figuring out how reactive it is.

Which brings us to the event.

5

4

3

2

1

And space curdles.

Blotches of muted brown-green color bubble out of what appears like heat shimmers, while around the edges what appears to be normal flame, despite the lack of air, flares up and forms a giant circle.

And through that circle walks a horse of demons. At first there are imps, but things ramp up fast. Which is actually a good thing for us. Part of why Earth decided to fight them out here is because the Demon Lord summoning only calls in the minimum retinue. Give them time, though? They’ll fill out their roster as most higher demons have the inherent ability to summon in subordinates up to a certain point. That is thankfully limited in space as they need proper human sacrifices to expand beyond a certain point.

Oh, the circle of fire is convulsing. That’s even less than I thought?

Yep, the ring collapses down as a final being steps through: the Demon Lord.

Huh, he looks shockingly similar to the local concept of a Demon. Which, I guess, makes some sense. The Infinite Abyss is named that for a reason, so The Wave of Darkness must have grabbed demons from a section that was most conceptually connected to here.

All that to say, he is big, red, has horns and spikes, a tail, is wearing a tux, and speaks English with a British accent.

And I know that last part because he comes through already giving orders. Though those orders quickly change when it spots us. Or rather, spot all the siege spells coming his way. Because when you know exactly where the enemy is coming from and you have time, it would be stupid not to pre-cast some strategic-level spells.

Explosions of fire, ice, acid, and a ton of more esoteric magic wipes out all the imps, many of their handlers, and even some of the stronger demons. We aren’t called Heroes for no reason. I’ll, uh, just stay back as I read something. Time to relax.

Not that I could have added much to this first volley, anyway. I was taught single-target magic on my old world. Which, thinking about it, was likely to keep me controlled.

Anyway, the soldiers form a meat wall as the Heroes all keep casting magic, though regular more targets spells now. Also, they mostly cut out the use of fire because these demons are certainly resistant to it.

Though now that the Demon Lord knows what is going on, they organize and begin to fight back. Mostly with fire, though it’s got this whole “black and green” demon fire theme to it. And it is mostly just a visual effect. Well, ignoring the fact that both sides are using fire in the void of space, but hey, magic, am I right?

This goes on for a while, but one by one the Heroes run out of Mana and fall back to gain it back. Though the Demons aren’t doing too hot either. Except we can’t replace any Heroes that fall and the Demon Lord? As long as he survives, he can summon in a new horde. Maybe even the same ones since demons don’t actually die outside of the Infinite Abyss unless you take special measures.

Though this is getting a little silly. The fight has been going on for a day and change now? The Demon Lord has finally gotten involved and our side has lost maybe a third of the Heroes. Me? I’ve been helping the soldiers by ferrying them ammo for their cannons and guns.

And another day? Well, more time for me?

Finally! We’re down to just the Demon Lord. Though only ten Heroes are capable of fighting. Most haven’t died, mind you. There is simply only so many times you can refill your Mana pool before you need proper rest.

The ten Heroes put up quite a fight, but uh, I think everyone ignored what little I did tell them? A Demon Lord is resistant to mortal magic. You need to either overcharge your spells or synchronize your casts. This isn’t going to end well. Not that I expected it to.

Eight Heroes left fighting. Five. Four. Two. One. And the Demon Lord just literally ripped that last Hero’s heart out.

“I have defeated your Heroes! Your world will burn and your souls will decorate my throne room! Who else dares face me!”

Eugh, I guess that’s my cue. “Would you shut up?”

The Demon Lord turns to me in shock, “There was still a hero left? Though you seem so weak. Let me take care of the baggage, since you’re likely trying to delay so they can escape. Then I’ll focus all my attention on torturing you while my generals resummon my army.”

The Demon Lord pulls an ornate cane out of the void and points it at all the tapped-out Heroes and soldiers behind me.

A stream of fire burst out of the top of the cane and flashes past me. “Yeah, how about no?” And I pull up the emoticon from a day or so ago.

ฅ⁠^⁠•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠^⁠ฅ

“Hahaha”, The Demon Lord begins to laugh, but it becomes strained and cuts off when I project the emoticon behind me, writ large, and the now giant paws slap his spell, snuffing it out.

He’s not happy about that and so has a quick follow-up, “So what if you can protect them? Take this!” And the Demon Lord tosses a glob of acid bigger than I am tall, at me. “And once you’re dead, there will be no one left to pro–” He pauses as the acid washes over me.

Mostly because I’m still standing there, still breathing.

Oh, the acid wasn’t entirely ineffective. The spacesuit armor certainly wasn’t rated to take a direct hit from a single target spell cast by a Demon Lord. In fact, most of the stuff on me melted away. I’m pretty sure that acid was only partly depending on “acid” as understood by science and had melted space itself to a degree.

So yeah, I’m just standing there, breathing, while wearing my green short-sleeved shirt and my cargo shorts. Which means I can’t hear the radio chatter anymore. Not that the suit would have survived long anyway.

Just another thing they ignored when I tried to tell them. Yes, I had the strength of a relatively athletic boy when I arrived on Earth. That’s because there wasn’t any Mana! I made my own clothes so once I had Mana, they wouldn’t rip off the first time I moved with any urgency. I’m not Superman, but with Mana flowing through me once again I certainly add the “Super” to “Hero”.

The Demon Lord spouts some more nonsense, but I’m ignoring him at this point. Can’t ignore when he throws out a more serious spell, though. Some sort of wind blade that’s tearing through the dimensional wall as it careens towards me.

ᓚ₍つ^. .^₎っ♥

And the heart flies out, blocking the wind blade. That peeves the Demon Lord a bit, so we trade spells for a few minutes. Let me tell you! The Earth has some very complex cat emoticons.

Anyway, he tires of this and so tries something big. Pulls in all the atmospheric Mana, which yes, is still called that despite us being in the void of space. Then opens a portal that, by my estimate, could probably swallow the Moon and calls forth some sort of Corrupted Lava Elemental Lord.

An impressive temporary summon. I have to assume he has it physically captured wherever it is he rules in the Infinite Abyss. An Outsider can only ever summon down so this must be more of a gate.

Whatever, just means I need to pull out the big guns. “Well, aren’t you a big boy? How about I take you for a ?” Because I’m not limited to emoticons. This one might be an old meme, but it checks out.

Plus, when it appears of a size to match the Abyss gate, people aren’t going to complain about the vintage.

Anyway, the cat comes out of the projected image and paws out, pushes the Corrupted Lava Elemental Lord back through the Abyss gate and then shatters said gate. Which seems to have been a double-edged sword for the Demon Lord, as when it shatters, he suffers more damage than he had suffered from all the previous attacks by the military and the other Heroes.

Which meant now was a good time to take him out before his regeneration could kick in. “Sometimes a cat just has to ask, ‘I can has cheezburger’?” And behind me appears another vintage meme.

This time the projection is only about the size of a skyscraper.

I spread my hands apart, and where they’re pointing to each side of the Demon Lord, appears the buns of a giant burger, brioche if you’re wondering. Then, as I channel more Mana into them, on one side appears pickles, chopped onions, and lettuce, while the other gets ketchup, mustard, and a piece of already melty cheese.

I laugh, “Well, look at him! How can I say no to that face?” And as the cat emerges from the projection, I clap my hands together, bringing the two buns and their condiments together with the Demon Lord taking the place of the burger.

The grey cat bounds across the void, the joy clear on their face, and in one bite, chomps the entire burger. A bit of chewing later and a few spouts of black/green fire out through their lips. I guess it was a spicy burger! The cat vanishes, leaving nothing behind.

With a sigh, I turn to the others and I can just imagine their faces! Though it has to remain purely in my imagination as the spacesuit's face mask was mirrored for protection. What I won’t have to imagine is all the questioning and paperwork. Maybe I should hook a ride on The Wave or Darkness? Pop in at the next world right after the Demon Lord is summoned in, kick butt, and see if they’re more hospitable to me? Then again, I do like Earth’s culture.

Eh, I’ll stay. Not like they can make me do anything I don’t want to do!