Two people defending their friends. Two people being affected by their own experiences and feelings. The thing is, sometimes it's hard to see clear when you're defending someone you believe to be without fault...In the end it's never just black and white. This is episode 90. And for those who don't know, this story (like the whole comic) was originally planned to be 90 episodes long. 90 days of a project, neatly wrapped up in 90 episodes. How long did that last? I think 6 episode till I had to split it in parts... I actually thought it was doable. I thought I could cramp topics I've always wanted to write about in such little space by leaving a lot untold. A lot "off-camera". Which could've worked with this way of narrative storytelling. But here we are, 90 episodes in, not done, and I'm writing about stuff I wanted to leave "untold". "Hinted at". I don't even know when I changed my mind. Probably around the thousandth comment romanticizing my characters shitty behavior. I've already vented about this lenghty on discord and for everyone who's just interested in the story and not my personal rambles thank you for todays support <3 and just stop reading here. This is seriously not what you're paying for but for those of you who've been giving me advices lately - I feel a little lost. Not in the story, I know eactly where it goes, but in how I want to tell it. How much of my artistic freedom I wanna use to call out stuff people deal with on a regular basis. Just for it to be romantizised by readers who are probably younger than I thought... You know, when you're an artist of any sort, or a writer, you come to a point where you either pump out stuff the audience wants (in my case I believe most people are here for nsfw stuff which is fine! Like, I get it!) or you use the attention you have to talk about something real. And I'm somehow in the middle. I wanna talk about these hard topics. Because I think it's important in a time when so many people are exhausted by what happens around them. But on the other hand I don't wanna exhaust them more! Like - I don't know if it's understandable. I personally read comics to escape from reality. And I don't want my escapism to remind me of all the shitty shit that happens in life. But at the same time I am also mad that there are not enough stories talking about this kinda stuff! Stuff that happens! Stuff like violence and jealousy which just get romantizised in fiction! Stuff like mental health problems your family don't care about. Stuff like not knowing where you are in life. Stuff like feeling utterly lost... Can I just say I'm not responsible for the stuff I write because it's fiction? Can I just claim to provide entertainment ignoring how it affects people? And I know it's stupid to complain about this when you all out there have REAL jobs, with REAL responsibility! But I don't know what's right and wrong anymore... And being a writer even with such a big readership feels sometimes really lonely. 90% of the time I'm alone at my desk. And I'm talking to you through my work - but not really. Because you can't even respond in time. You can just comment. And then I upload something and get hundreds of different responses. And some people are happy and some are not and, I know, that's not something I can change but... fuck. I want to please you all. I'm not above wanting to be liked. Wanting my stories to be liked. But at the same time I don't just wanna write to be liked. So on one day I write for you and on the next I write for me. And my scripts become affected by my personal feelings and by my private life. So my comics end up not being that linear thing they should be. They become so much a reflection of myself, of me being happy one day, and angry the next. And then being super excited to draw nsfw stuff and then being motivated about getting a message out there and sometimes... I'm just sitting in front of my canvas for hours not getting anything done at all. Wondering what the fuck I'm actually doing. Don't get me wrong - I love what I do. I truly do. But this thing (my comics) you spend maybe 2 or 5 minutes on in a week - for me it's all consuming. And this is by no means me asking you to spend more time reading my work! This is me asking you to give me advice. Maybe you've been in a situation like that before. Maybe you've been torn internally. And maybe something helped you find the right way for yourself. I know I can only give myself direction. And I'll go forward no matter what. I'll write my stories and draw my comics as long as I can. But I appreciate anyone giving me a glimpse of the map. To look at when I feel so truly lost like right now. So yeah... this was personal and probably messy but I won't apologize for what I post on my page. Because I am as much part of the comics you're reading as every character in it. As much as every reader is part of it's existence. So thank you for listening to me <3 Just writing this down actually helped. And if anyone of you is currently lonely, just know, you're not alone. We can be lonely together.Blaze~