AN: One final Sensitive Content warning!
— — —
I didn’t tell Quinn. I left the Captain’s office after being told everything I needed to know, and then ambled around the office until she came to find me. Seeing her holding a tin of bruising cream in one hand and burgers in the other made it impossible. I’d… my future self would have to tell her before I left, but I couldn’t. Telling Sylvie was already going to be hard enough.
Just as the sun started to dip, I clocked out and headed back home. The tram hit a massive delay thanks to the Electrick causing more havoc before Coldfront managed to put it down, but I actually got back home at a decent time.
“I’m home!” I pulled off my jacket, and tossed it onto the coat rack. My tail thumped against the door, and pushed it closed.
“In here, sis!” Sylvie peeked around the corner of the kitchen with a kiss the chef apron on. The scent of cooking meat mixed with a soft sizzle from just behind her. “Dinner’s almost ready.”
”Take your time.” I shuffled to the couch, and collapsed back on it. Do I… do I tell her? Can I tell her? Not telling her, though…
Bitterness welled up in me. I didn’t even get the inhibitor. Haman must’ve really been a part of Hades afterall. He dangled it in front of my nose like a dog biscuit, and ripped it away just before I could ask for one.
Contrary to how it looked and felt, the situation wasn’t entirely terrible. It did answer some questions I had. I long wondered why Hades sent me out to escort a convoy considering it was nowhere near what I usually did for them. As it turned out, it was preparation for this.
That, and the area we were apparently scouting fully encompassed the coordinates I’d gotten from Checkpoint Alpha-Omega. At first, I thought it was a coincidence. I’d asked for the most achievable way forward, though. My fur raised slightly. Just how much did that thing know?
Thinking about it that way, there was another possibility. I was already destined to go out there by Hades, so it’d acted spitefully even on its last answer. I would’ve gone out there even if it hadn’t said anything, so it was basically a non answer just like the first two options it gave.
“Everything okay, big sis?” Sylvie padded across the apartment to me. Her tail sashayed through the air just behind her, and dropped onto my leg.
“Yeah… yeah.” I sat up, and gently patted her tail. Right. Barghest made it back before. I made it back before. I could make it back again. MET teams survived the Mire all the time, otherwise they wouldn’t still be an organization. It wasn’t that bad.
“Dinner’s ready, then.” She dropped her hand to me, and backed away a few steps. I allowed her to haul me back up to my feet. “How was work?”
”Quinn and I hunted a Skullker down.” I followed her into the kitchen, and took a seat at the table. I loaded my plate up with ghoulash, and poked around at the elbow noodles.
“Oh! I just learned about those last week in Calamity Club!” Sylvie’s ears cutely perked up with excitement. “How’d you catch it?!”
While we ate, I relived my morning. ‘Course, I cut some stuff out. She may want to join Harbor, but she didn’t know what she was really asking about. Not like the media got into the gruesome details for her to know. Heroic Guardian Saves City as a headliner would sell a lot better than T-5 Calamity Devours Hundreds. Tidebreak did most of the work, anyway.
By the time we stopped eating, my throat started to hurt from talking so much. She was insatiable, and kept asking about every little thing from how we figured it out to what I was thinking throughout the fight. Honestly, though, I was a bad example. My methodology always was and always would be tooth for a tooth. My regeneration ensured it was a winning trade regardless.
It was nice to just talk about it and decompress. Even though I didn't share all the details, it gave me some time to process through all the death and despair that saturated that place.
Halfway through, the conversation shifted to school. Sylvie really was smart. She may act goofy and stuff, but she actively bragged about never studying and still managed to ace every test. My sister was such a genius. I didn’t remember much of middle school, but I did remember every lesson being a struggle back then.
Eventually, the conversation ground to a silence. Rain pattered roughly against the window, and I mindlessly stared out at the alley. “Hey, Sylvie…”
Across from me, she shivered and rubbed at her arms. Something in my tone must’ve tipped her off, and her smile slowly faded away. “Why do I get the feeling I won’t like where this is going?”
’Cause your instincts are way too sharp. I bit at my lip, and refused to meet her eyes. “I have this work thing…”
”No,” she whispered with drooping ears. Seeing my little sister so sad was unbearable. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice in the first place. I never did.
”I’ll be gone for two weeks.” Assuming that everything went to schedule, anyway. There was no telling with the Mire.
“When?” Her voice went incredibly small and quiet. Even though she had a desolate stoney expression, her ears were perked high.
”A week from now.” I winced, and couldn’t bear to meet her amber eyes. The timing was absolutely abysmal no matter how I looked at it.
“B-but my birthday!” Her hands clenched into fists at her sides like she wanted to throw a punch. She probably hated me, didn’t she? “You’re going to miss the Awakener Ceremony, too! Why?!”
“I…” My voice broke into a tremble. I was supposed to be the big and strong Barghest, and here I was incapable of even speaking straight. Maybe Cerberus was right. “I-I was signed up to join a MET expedition.”
Her sorrow instantly melted into horror. She shot to her feet, and ran around the table to tightly hug me. Her arms wrapped around my waist as if to anchor me down, and she half dropped to her knees. Her voice dropped into a low whine. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me again.”
”I have to.” My hand dropped onto her head, and I gently stroked her soft silver ears. If I wanted moments like this ever again, I had to. Not for Hades, but for me. All my hope was on finding whatever lurked at the coordinates. “Everything will be alright. Your big sis is strong, you know?”
”The strongest.” Her arms tightened like she never wanted to let me go. The crushing pressure made my still injured rib scream, but I pushed it all away for this moment of closeness. “Pyre, that’s the Mire, Reyna! It—“
”It’ll be okay.” I gently ruffled her silver ears, and soothingly ran my hands through her long hair. “If I don’t—“
”Don’t.” She pulled away with red eyes, and glared at me. “Don’t even think about it. Don’t speak that into being.”
I took a cold breath, and stared up at the ceiling. I needed to talk to Quinn about it. She’d take care of Sylvie if something happened to me. My sister would get a ton of benefits too. Harbor, for it all its cons, had exceptional benefits should I fall in the line of duty. Assuming she’d actually get death benefits this time.
She shot to her feet, and paced back and forth. ”You—you can quit! Right, you can quit, and that way you won’t have to go!“
“Sylvie—“
“I can get a job!” Her eyes caught the light, and took on ghastly green shade. They were already filling up with tears. “We—we’ll work something out. We always have. You can’t—”
“I have to.” I reached forward and grabbed her hand. She let me, and slowed to a stop. “For us.”
“Don’t. Dont! You don’t get to say that!” She ripped her hand away from me, and her tail flicked around in irritation. “Y-you can’t say that while you—you abandon me!”
My hand stayed up and outstretched. ”Sylvie—“
”Don’t talk to me! I hate you!” She darted across the room with her head in her elbow. She disappeared, and a moment later I heard her door slam shut.
Heh… right. Right, ‘course she hated me. I stood up, and slowly packed away the leftovers. The Awakener Ceremony. It was one of the most important days of her life, and I wasn’t going to be there for it. I truly was unforgivable for missing something like that.
The black band around my neck felt particularly strangling. I pulled at it, which made it even harder to breathe. The bracelets and anklets likewise felt like they were shrinking in on me. I had to leave though, for more than one reason.
I rubbed at my stubbornly watering eyes, and started to do the dishes while I thought about something, anything to distract me. The Awakener Ceremony—it was a special day where all the fifteen year olds were gathered. 9,999 out of 10,000 people failed to Awaken. The odds of becoming an Awoken were pretty low, but I’d heard somewhere that having your family there to look after you sharply increased them.
I… fuck! I accidently cut my finger on a knife’s blade. I was lowering her chances by going out like this. I was actively hurting her chances of accomplishing her dreams. Just showing up was the easiest part, and I couldn’t even do that right. What kind of monster did that make me?
What were my other options, though? Don’t go and don't receive the inhibitor? I’d fall to Psyker corruption long before the ceremony even started. No—I couldn’t do that to my sister. There was nothing more horrifying than witnessing your own flesh and blood mutate into a monster right before your eyes.
I couldn’t go buy an inhibitor either. I pressed the knife deeper. Even if I did find some black market source, I didn’t have the credits for that. At minimum, a small dose would be 30,000 credits on the market. I was already struggling to get by with how much Sylvie’s school cost. I didn’t have that kind of money saved up, and I couldn’t get it either. Not like Hades would give me anything but a beating if I asked.
Maybe I could try to break in somewhere and steal it, but it wasn’t like inhibitors were widely publicized. Everyone hated Psykers. Even before Hades, just getting one was nearly impossible. The only reason I hadn’t corrupted much, much sooner was thanks to how useful my particular psionic ability was.
A sharp pain erupted from my hand. Hades was the only option. They were always the only option. They’d ensured as much, and backed me into a cage of my own making. Even if I got an inhibitor on my own, what then? At the very least, I’d get severely punished by the syndicate. At worst, they’d go after my sister. I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t let that happen.
My ears flattened aggressively, and a growl built up in my chest. Even just the thought of someone from the syndicate approaching her made me want to tear everyone’s heart out. They could leash and collar me, but the moment they tried to go for her, I’d fight with every last breath in my body.
The heavy iron scent of blood stung my watering eyes, and drew me back to what I was doing. Red water flowed around and around, mixing with soap bubbles. I shut off the sink, and stared down at the finger detached from the rest of my hand. When’d that happen?
A shiver went down my spine, and I clutched at my bleeding hand. I… did I? Muted sniffling made my ears twitch toward her door. Right. Sylvie. I couldn’t let her see me like this. I quickly hid the evidence, and cleaned up the scene.
Regenerating limbs took a seriously long time, but reattaching wasn’t too bad. I stuck it back on with a bandaid, and whipped out the bleach to hide the sharp tang of blood. I scrubbed until my hand was raw, and then finally backed away. At least the sink caught most of the blood.
Her sniffles broke out into full on crying. I shuffled across the apartment to her door, and knocked lightly with my hand held behind my back. “I’m… I’m sorry, Sylvie. I—I…”
My words died in my throat. No, that wasn’t quite right. I just didn’t know what words to say. I didn’t know how to comfort her. Instead, I just stood there silently and listened to her cry. It was only once her breathing evened out in sleep that I backed away to my room with my tail dragging along the floor.
— — —
AN: This chapter right here is what made me want to focus Seeking. I usually can’t quite empathize with my own characters. I can do it with other people’s works easily, but not with my own. It’s an unfortunate side effect of knowing how things will end and how events will play out.
Reyna Vargriev’s been the only one that actually makes my heart hurt to write and read. I hope that means I’m doing something right?