Sen had hoped that the prospect of dealing with that boy’s revenge problems would distract him from the other children’s tears. It did not. The only consolation he had was that the task was something that he would joyfully and mercilessly hand off to other people. That’s probably for the best, he thought. I don’t think I could endure this more than once. Unfortunately, he kept trying to think of ways that he could fix the problems with the children’s dantians and qi channels. No matter how much he turned the problems over in his mind, a solution remained out of reach. He knew that part of the reason he was fixating on it was that he had, on precisely one occasion, turned a mortal into a cultivator. Her situation had been different, though. Her dantian and qi channels had been essentially intact. Underused and more brittle than he would have liked, perhaps, but otherwise healthy.
Had she been provided with the right training and resources from the beginning, she probably could have become a cultivator on her own merits. That wasn’t true for the orphans. Once he came to terms with that, he started thinking about how he could help improve the lot of the children he’d taken pity on. The ones who wouldn’t even become average cultivators on their own. He could help them. Rather, he could help them if he had unlimited time and resources to devote to the problem. Strengthening dantians and qi channels, even expanding them, were within reach. He’d done it to himself after all, all those years ago. Of course, now, he knew how to do it without accidentally killing anyone, the way he’d very nearly killed himself.
Unfortunately, there was no simple solution to their problems. If there were, he could just teach it to other alchemists. Every elixir would have to be specifically made to meet the needs of each child and their exact condition, affinities, and even bodily health. A difficult and miserably time-consuming task. Auntie Caihong could do it. He was fairly certain Fu Ruolan had the skills. Aside from them, he had yet to meet an alchemist he’d trust to do it. There were undoubtedly a few out there, probably being hidden away or locked in secluded cultivation. Knowing they existed, somewhere, didn’t help him though.
Even if he knew them and could somehow coerce them into taking on such a thankless task, it would take endless resources. Handing over all of the resources he’d accumulated so far in the war likely wouldn’t be enough. Not if he intended to help every child had a chance of becoming a poor cultivator. As much as it galled him to see eye-to-eye with the sects about anything, he understood that this was why they refused anyone without substantial talent. It was simply too challenging to nurture those without obvious talent. And, if he had the time, he’d probably still try because he knew what it was like. Sen knew what it meant to be discarded, unseen, and considered worthless. He also knew how much it meant to be wanted and seen. If it was possible to give that to all of these children…He shook off that that thought. It wasn’t possible, and that fantasy was dangerous.
You are not a god, Sen reminded himself.
When the last of the children had been brought to see him, Sen felt wrung dry. All he wanted to do was sleep for a year, but life wasn’t kind enough for that. Instead, he had someone find the boy who was determined to take his vengeance. For a minute or two, he allowed himself the luxury of just sitting still and not thinking. He closed his eyes, let the sun warm his face, and tried not to listen to all of the things he could hear.
“You did the right thing,” said the mistress of the orphanage.
“Did I? I wonder,” answered Sen. “Does the right thing usually involve so many tears?”
“Well, maybe not the right thing, but it was a necessary thing.”
Sen finally opened his eyes to look at the woman.
“Aren’t you worried about speaking so casually to me?”
She shrugged and said, “I probably should be, but you stop caring about much after watching your entire family die.”
Sen thought that there were probably words that people said in response to that kind of revelation, but he didn’t know them. He didn’t know if he should ask questions or not ask questions. He finally settled on something simple.
“I see.”
She gave him a slightly puzzled look before asking, “Haven’t you lost anyone?”
How many of the people he’d met over the years had died or vanished? He had no idea. A lot of them based on what he’d seen. Maybe even most of them. The war had been an indiscriminate killer. He thought of the Luo family and that little girl with the dragon toy that didn’t look anything like a dragon. Oh, how he wished he knew that child’s name. If he had a name, he could ask people to look for her.
“I’ve lost people,” he said. “I just don’t know if they’re alive or dead.”
There was a beat before she said, “I see.”
“I’ve killed a lot of people,” said Sen. “For good reasons. Bad reasons. Politics. For conquest. Yet, somehow, I think today was the first time I ever truly felt like a monster.”
An ugly expression flashed across the woman’s face for a moment before she spoke.
“Everyone hopes that they’ll become a cultivator. But that hope can become a poison in someone’s life if there’s no chance for them. They spend years wondering if it would have happened if they’d been richer or come from better families. It makes them bitter. Angry. They feel like they’ve had a better life stolen from them.”
“It’s not a better life. A longer life, maybe, but not better.”
“Perhaps. But if those children can’t become cultivators, better they learn it now. They’ll get over the tears and disappointment, and you’ll have spared them that anger and bitterness.”
“I find it disappointing that, as emperor, the limit of my power is sparing them some anger and bitterness.”
“It may not seem like much now, but perhaps you sowed some good karma today?”
Sen gave the woman a sharp look. She might well be right that he sowed some kind of good karma by allowing those children the chance to be happy in their mortal lives. But, as was always the situation with karma, there was just no way to know. After giving it a moment of thought, he decided that any kind of good karma in a war was probably more than he should expect. That karma might well cascade across lives and come back to him in ways he couldn’t imagine. Before he could think of something to say, the boy came walking over to him. After a meaningful look from the mistress of the orphanage, he offered Sen a hasty bow.
“Well,” said Sen. “Let’s see about getting you that revenge you want so badly.”