EDIT: Updated the last paragraphs. I copy pasted the same thing twice originally. LOL my bad!
Spoilers ahead for How Could You
Have you ever detached your emotions from something because you were scared of getting hurt? Lots of characters in How Could You do that.
Olene avoids thinking about her sexuality by breaking up with her girlfriend, moving to France, and dropping out.
Jackie can’t get close to others because her sorority sisters are homophobic and her gay friends are cringe, so all she can do is party and get good grades, focusing on a better future and distancing herself from the present.
Molly doesn’t want to face her true feelings for Lou and risk losing her best friend, so she sabotages Lou’s relationship with Anjali.
Ren Strapp is scared that no one will like her book. She knows it’s her first graphic novel, so she turns off emotional attachment to it and treats the process with an analytical mind.
The act of walling off my emotions to make a product ended up being part of the book. It felt like a final conversation with the 19 year old version of me who was deeply unhappy, insecure, and frightened of the world. With this last act of self destructive detachment from reality, I let this book out into the shelves of libraries and bookstores, perfectly braced for people to say mean things about it, about me. And why would I care? I beat them to the punch, I was already ambivalent. Nothing could hurt me.
And then… nothing bad happened. I got the good reviews, the bad reviews, the “it was just pretty okay” reviews and… I lived bitch lol.
My naive, fresh face, debut author mid-20s self was writing about a time in my life I wasn’t actually that far from… during a time in my life where I was extremely unhappy. The self protective nature was a necessity, and as a result, I made a debut book that is just pretty okay! I’m alright with that. Most people make a debut book that is just pretty okay. I learned a lot in the process, and I’m still proud of what I made. Some of my favorite books are also rated and reviewed similarly to mine. It helps me to know that books that I think are absolute masterpieces of literature are just pretty okay to most people.
In the year since, I’ve come back around to loving my book. I’m proud of the events, the signings, the cons and shows, the panels and talks, the indie bookstore owners and staff, the friends who supported me this year and all the new friends that came out of this project. What is most important to me are all the people who told me how special this book was to them, how it helped them come to terms with their own college experience and parse their own feelings. I never know what people think of my work until they tell me directly, so thank you. It means a lot.
How Could You took so long to make, and I underwent an immense transformation of the self during that time. I’m a completely different version of me than the one who conceived of the idea of this book in the first place. The process of making the book helped me become who I am, and now I can stand confidently, hold myself lovingly, and celebrate the accomplishment of having seen a big project through to completion.
Well, let’s be realistic, Ren. The real aha-moment happened when I tried pitching another “safe” concept, and I realized I wasn’t cut out for “safe” comics. And I said, “Okay! Okay, I get it!” My next project is one that I am so certain about. I am collaborating with my friend who will be doing the writing, and just from the few pitch pages, it’s already the best thing we’ve ever made. I don’t even care if it never sees the desk of a publisher. It’s something good, true, constructed, hilarious, hot, pure, me, her, us. It’s not careful and protective of our egos. It’s going to be good and I can’t wait for you all to join us in this world.
Anyway, thank you for supporting How Could You. Thank you for celebrating 1 year of messy baby dyke drama. Time to grow back healthier for sure.