We started walking through the mall. Casey wanted to look at underwear. Sam and I went with her. Casey said she had grown a bra size in the last few months. She wanted new bras. I looked at her. She was right. She was getting bigger.
I was glad I did not have breasts like that. She was a C cup. At eighteen, that was big. Sam and I laughed. We said she would never need a boob job. Casey was serious about her bra problem. She asked a shop assistant to measure her. While that happened, Sam and I looked around. The shop had a sale. There was a big bucket full of underwear. Half price.
We looked through it. Do not think I am weird. But I like girls' underwear. Well, unisex ones. When I bought my first pair, my mother got very angry. She called me bad names. But they are more comfortable than boys' underwear. So I like them.
The main reason I wear them is that I shop with my friends. I do not want to drag them to boys' shops. It is easier to buy underwear where they buy theirs.
My mother still buys me boys' underwear sometimes. That is useful for school. On gym days at least. Boys are not as understanding about how comfortable nylon can be.
Sam found a pair with no crotch. We laughed so much that an assistant came over and told us to be quiet. That made us laugh even more. We each picked out a few pairs. I got two floral tangas. I like them. They hold me in at the front.
Otherwise, I stick out a bit in tight shorts. Not that I am big. But it looks funny with a bulge. I like to avoid that. The assistant told Casey she had not grown a bra size at all. Casey was upset. She walked out of the shop in a bad mood. She said the assistant was rude. Sam and I almost returned our underwear to protest. But they were on sale. So we kept them.
My phone rang. It was Jamie. She had found Taylor. They were waiting at the food court. We decided to take a break after Casey's disappointment.
"That assistant was mean," Sam said. "Anyone could see Casey is at least a C."
We decided the assistant was jealous. She did not have any breasts at all. Even mine were bigger, we joked. Note to Mom: See? My friends do not think I am one of the girls. They know I have no breasts. We found Jamie and Taylor at a table in the food court. Taylor was wearing sweatpants and an old black T-shirt. Her hair was short. You could see she had been sweating.
What was she thinking?
She thought running was more important than shopping. That was fine. But you cannot do both. The rest of us did not try to run in heels. So why did she think she could come shopping in sweatpants?
We were embarrassed. Casey told Taylor off. But Taylor said, "Mind your own business."
Actually, Taylor looked okay, sweaty. In a strange way. I imagined Jamie all sweaty. Then I had to cool her down by waving a towel in her face. That made me blush. Sam and I went to get milkshakes. We complained about Taylor.
"It is awful," Sam said. "People will think we are lesbians with her dressed like that." It was bad enough that people thought I was a girl. But for them to think I was a lesbian too? That would be too much. The woman at the counter asked us what we wanted.
"Ladies?" she said.
Sam and I started laughing. We could barely tell her our order. We took the milkshakes back to the table.
We drank them with straws. Taylor talked about the town carnival. It was in two weeks. "We should join the parade," she said.
Taylor was always like that. She loved charity things. Every cause needed her help. I was about to make a joke. Then Jamie said, "I think that is a good idea." I stopped. If Jamie thought it was a good idea, then it was good enough for me. Casey said she did not want to walk through town dressed up.
"Do not be mean," I told her. "It is for a good cause."
I smiled at Jamie. She smiled back. If Jamie got tired walking, I could lie down next to her. To help her relax. Sam was not excited either. But with Taylor, Jamie, and me complaining, we convinced them to try. Now we had to think of costumes. Taylor said, "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
"Hello?" I said. "We need eight people for that. There are five of us."
Taylor got grumpy. We laughed. Grumpy was one of the dwarves. Goldilocks and the Four Bears did not work either. "It is so hot," I said. "We need costumes that are not sweaty." "Unlike Taylor already is," Casey said.
We laughed more. Then Sam said, "The Spice Girls. There are five of them." They had broken up a few years ago. A bit old. But Jamie and Casey thought it could work. I coughed. "I am not really a girl," I said.
"That does not matter," Sam said. "You can easily pass as one if you dress right."
I felt uncomfortable. I did not normally dress as a girl. Even if I liked unisex underwear. I would not say I never wore a skirt. That would be a lie. I tried them on in shops sometimes. Just to keep my friends company. Once, a few months ago, we tried to get into a club for over-eighteens. I borrowed one of Casey's dresses to look older.
They did not let us in. We went to a burger place instead. But I wore a dress all night. So I suppose that counts. We talked about which Spice Girl each of us would be.
"I should be Sporty Spice," I said. "She is the most boyish. She wears trousers."
Taylor did not agree. She wanted to be Sporty. The others agreed with her. Taylor was more sporty than me. She wore tracksuits all the time. I was not happy. But I let it go. We kept talking about the Spice Girls.
"Jamie should be Scary Spice," Sam said. Jamie smiled. With her dark skin and curly hair, she looked just like Scary Spice anyway.
"I call Scary," Jamie said. Casey raised her hand. "I am a redhead. I can be Ginger Spice."
Everyone agreed. That left me, Taylor, and Sam. "I could wear a wig," I said. "I could be Ginger." Taylor laughed. "You just want to wear that Union Jack dress."
I shut my mouth. She was right. Sam was blonde. She had a round face. Soft body. "I should be Baby Spice," Sam said. "I am the youngest anyway." That left me with Posh Spice. I did not want to be Posh Spice.
"What about S Club 7?" I said. "They have boys in the band." No one listened to me. They were already too excited about being the Spice Girls.
"Alex, you will be Posh," Casey said. "You are skinny like her. And you care about clothes." "I do not care about clothes that much," I said. Everyone laughed. "Remember last week?" Sam said. "You spent twenty minutes choosing a belt." That was true. But still. "Fine," I said. "I will be Posh."
Taylor smiled. "Good. Now let us talk about costumes." Taylor would wear her kickboxing pants and a sports top. No change there, I thought.
Jamie had a floaty top. She would wear it with black trousers. I pictured that in my mind. Jamie in a floaty top. I liked the picture. Sam had a baby doll nightie. It would work for Baby Spice.
Casey needed a Union Jack dress. We did not know where to get one. "We can look through old magazines," Sam said. "See what Ginger Spice wore besides the Union Jack dress."
Good idea.
Then all eyes fell on me. "What will you wear, Alex?" Casey asked. My mother's words came back to me. They think of you as one of the girls.
"I can wear a black halter top and jeans," I said. "Posh wore that sometimes." I even had a black halter top. I wore it once or twice.
But my friends shook their heads. "No," Taylor said. "Posh wore fancy dresses. Gucci dresses." "I cannot afford a Gucci dress," I said.
"Any little black dress will work," Casey said. "I do not have a little black dress," I said. "I am a boy. Remember?"
They did not care. Sam had three or four little black dresses. She said I could borrow one. I looked at Jamie. Maybe I could borrow one of hers. That would be nice. Going to her house. Trying on her dress. But Jamie shook her head.
"You are not my size," she said.
She was right. I was a size small. A size two or four. Jamie was taller. Bigger than me. Taylor was bigger too. Sam was shorter but wider. That left Casey.
"You can borrow one of mine," Casey said. "Come over anytime and try them on."
"Thanks," I said.
We finished our milkshakes. Then we went back to shopping. In one store, we found a little black dress. A simple one. Sleeveless. Short.
"Try it on," Sam said.
I was shy. But they kept asking. So I took the dress to the changing room.
I took off my top. I kept my shorts on. My unisex underwear. Trying on dresses is easier when you already wear unisex underwear. No one looks at you funny. I pulled the dress over my head.
It felt strange. The fabric was soft. Slippery. I looked in the mirror. It did not look bad.
I walked out to show my friends. Everyone got quiet.
Then Jamie said, "That makes your butt look cute." I blushed. My face got hot.
"You should buy it," Casey said. "No," I said. "I am just trying it on. For the costume."
I went back inside and took it off. But I kept thinking about what Jamie said. Your butt looks cute.
I smiled to myself. We spent four more hours shopping. I bought a light blue sweater. It had pearl buttons. A ballet style. It wrapped over at the tummy. Jamie said I looked cute in that too.
My heart fluttered. Taylor and Jamie wanted to go running after the mall. So Sam, Casey, and I went to Casey's house. Casey's mother made us tea. She was a good cook. Better than my mom. She knew I did not like to eat fatty things.
We went to Casey's room. We listened to music. We talked about school. "Did you know?" Sam said. "Big Pete is dating Jenny Bradshaw."
"No way," I said. "I saw them kissing after school," Sam said.
We laughed. Then we remembered the carnival. We looked through old magazines. We found a picture of Ginger Spice in black pants and a glittery top.
Casey had clothes like that. She tried them on. She looked just like the picture. Then Sam tried on a white baby doll nightie. We put her hair in pigtails. She looked like Baby Spice.
"Your turn, Alex," Casey said. I was nervous. It was a dress. "I wore a dress yesterday," I said. "That is enough."
"Just try it," Sam said. They convinced me. I put on the little black dress. It looked good. Better than the one in the store.
The only problem was the chest. It was baggy. I had nothing to fill it. "You need a bra," Sam said. Casey lent me one of hers. I put it on. The dress fit better. Just then, Casey's mother walked in. She saw me in the dress and the bra.
"Oh my God," she said. "What is going on?" Casey tried to explain. "Mom, we are being the Spice Girls for the carnival. Alex is Posh Spice."
Her mother looked at me. "Do you want to be a girl?" she asked. "No," I said. "I am just dressing up." "Do you want to date boys?" she asked. "No! Boys at our school are gross." Casey's mother calmed down.
She looked at me again. "You look quite good," she said. "But you need tights." She made Casey find me a pair of tights. "I know how to put on tights," I said.
I had worn tights before. Last autumn, I wanted to keep wearing shorts when it got cold. So I wore shorts with tights for a few weeks. It worked okay. I put on the tights. Everyone said it looked better. Then I tried on Casey's shoes. Black ones with pointy toes. They looked like something Posh Spice would wear. Casey's mother took photos of us in the garden.
We did silly poses. Trying to look like the real Spice Girls. Casey's father came home from work. He saw us. He laughed. He always thought I was a girl anyway. Casey and I never told him the truth.
"You look very pretty," he said to me. I smiled.
I wish Jamie would say that too. We finished taking photos. It was after nine o'clock. I changed back into my own clothes. Casey's father drove me and Sam home. "It is dangerous for young ladies to walk alone at night," he said.
Sam and I laughed. He still did not know I was a boy. When I got home, my mother was sitting on the sofa. She was crying.
I walked into the living room. My mother was sitting on the sofa. Her face was wet. She was crying. "Mom?" I said. "What is wrong?" She looked up at me. Then she jumped up and ran to me. She hugged me very hard.
"I am so sorry," she said. "About this morning. About what I said." I did not know what to say. She kept hugging me. Her tears wet my shirt.
"I am sorry," she said again. "I was wrong to say that."
"It is okay," I said.
But I was not sure if it was okay. She let go of me. She looked at my face.
"I am so proud of you," she said. "You have good friends. You get along with girls. That is a good thing."
I nodded. "When you grow up," she said, "you will understand women better than your father ever did."
That made me feel a little better. But then she said something else. "Maybe you spend too much time with girls," she said. "Maybe you need some boy friends too."
I made a face.
"All the boys I know are gross," I said. She smiled. But then her face got serious.
"I have something to tell you," she said. My stomach felt tight.
"I called my friend Margaret," she said. "Her son is coming over tomorrow."
"What?" I said.
"His name is Derek. He is eighteen too. He goes to public school."
"No," I said.
"He is coming at ten thirty. He will stay all day."
"Mom, no. I already have plans with my friends."
"What plans?"
I almost told her. We were going to Sam's house to practice makeup for our costumes. But then I stopped. She would not like that. She just got done crying about me being girly.
"Just plans," I said.
"You can see your friends another day. Derek is coming tomorrow. I already said yes."
"That is not fair."
"Life is not always fair, Alex."
I wanted to scream.
But I did not.
I went to my room and called Sam.
She answered on the second ring.
"Guess what," I said. "My mother invited some boy to our house tomorrow. I have to stay home."
"That is terrible," Sam said.
"I know. His name is Derek. He goes to public school."
"Oh no," Sam said. "Public school boys are the worst."
"You dated one once," I said.
"For one week. He was so weird. He only talked about his car."
"I do not want to spend the whole day with some weird boy."
"Can you get out of it?"
"No. My mom will not listen."
"That is so bad," Sam said. "I will tell Casey and Jamie why you are not coming."
"Thanks. Tell them I am sorry."
"I will. Maybe Derek will be nice."
"He will not be nice. He will be a geek."
Sam laughed. "Probably."
We talked for half an hour. About the carnival. About the Spice Girls. About John Carpenter showing his private parts in the park. Gross. Then I went to bed. I had a strange dream. I was stuck on a mountain. Jamie climbed up to save me. But instead of taking me down, she kissed me. Really kissed me. Like boyfriend and girlfriend.
It felt good. Then she lifted up my dress. She told me to hold a stick between my legs. To get down the mountain. The stick was uncomfortable. Then I woke up.