Sorry for delay. Selection of the best ideas and plotting ahead took a little longer than I planned.
Before the main meal, here's a small appetizer in the form of a brief spur-of-the-moment crackfic about Worm's fanon.
Act 1: Dirty Alley
MC: 'Oh! No! I'm in The Worm universe!'
MC: 'Anyway...'
SUDDEN thugs: ”Gives us your money, fucker!” x3
MC: uses superpowers.
BAM! BAM! Flawless victory!
MC shaking fist at sky: "Just wait Scion!"
MC, thoughtfully: ’Or not?’
MC: "Door! Door to Cauldron! Cauldron make Cases 53! Eidolon created Endbringers. Fortuna the best girl and deserves headpats and cookies!"
Very upset MC: ”Fucking Blank! Instead of automatic use of my willing help by the best possible way now I have to do everything manually. What a drag!”
Act 2: Cafe
Hungry MC enters a cafe.
MC: ’Oh, no! Blonde girl!’
Freckles blonde: all-knowing foxy smirk (C).
MC, with sigh: ’Nope! Just a spoiled brat...’
MC: ’Oh, no! Blonde girl #2!’
Freckles blonde: all-knowing vulpine grin (C).
MC, with sigh: ’Nope! Just a spoiled brat...’
MC: ’Oh, no! Blonde girl #3!’
Freckles blonde: all-knowing shit-eating smugness (C).
MC, with sigh: ’Nope! Just a spoiled brat...’
MC: ’Oh, no! Blonde girl #4!’
Freckles blonde: Cheshire smile (C).
MC, with sigh: ’Nope! Just a spoiled brat...’
A FEW HOURS LATER
Building opposite Café: Immaculata High.
Act 3: Street
MC: walking down the street.
Screech!
MC: JUMP!
Crash! BUM!
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Squealer (camera on greased ENORMOUS breasts): "Nooo, my baby!!!!”
Skidmark: ”SHITSTAINS! Vomited Pissing SHITSTAINS!”
Trainwreck: clangs, jingle, ding.
Mush: fermenting.
Bang‑bang!
Rat‑tat‑tata!
Cricket: ”aaaaaaa!”
Alabaster: ”N! N! N! N!”
Hookwolf: ”I will shower in your entrails!”
Stormtiger: cosplays Bruce Lee.
Kaiser: imposingly looking.
Bang‑bang!
Rat‑tat‑tat!
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Parian: Entertains children with toys not made of human skin near Parian Plaza Shopping Centre.
Krieg: ”Parian! Anyone, change aggr— umm— TARGET; Anyone! Change target!”
Cricket: ”aaaaaaa!”
Hookwolf: ”I'll shower in your entrails!”
Stormtiger: cosplays Bruce Lee.
Kaiser: imposingly looking.
Rune: ”Emm... she owns a shop so, um, wouldn't it be better to find out who it's registered to, or to track her up? And isn’t NEPEA-5 forb—
Sabrina the teenage Nazi's uncle Krieg: ”SHUT UP and Just Use Your Power!”
Parian: restrains herself from tearing everyone around her into Behemoth-defying ropes.
Victor: ’Do they already know? No, how could they know?! But it's so obvious! I can steal skills, which means I'm the world's best co— no-no-no— don't even think about it! What if someone nearby can read minds?!’
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”Bravo. Victor. Tango. Whisky. Hotel. Uniform. Papa. Mike. Papa. Charlie. Papa. Oscar.”
Piu! Piu! Piu!
Krieg: ”Coli’s mercenaries! Change agg— target! Change target!”
Piu! Piu! Piu!
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Night: ”How are you, darling?”
Fog: ”I’m fine, darling. Thanks for asking. Love you.”
Night: ”Love you too, sweetie.”
Fog: shapes hand in half of heart.
Night: adds a second heart's part.
Fog and Night: rub each other's noses.
Fenja & Menja: enviously glancing at the functional married couple.
SUDDEN Oni Lee with grenades and a glassy look: Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum.
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Kaiser: calls Purity.
Purity: ”What do you want?”
Kaiser: ”I want your Love, darling. Immediately.”
Purity: ”No. I’m a Hero!”
Kaiser: ”Aster.”
Purity: ”Yes, darling.”
Purity: shines; destroys residential buildings.
⸻⸻⸻⸻
MC notices Purity: ’Purity! FIX, I should FIX her!’
MC: flies up to Purity.
MC: ”Purity! Resist! Resist Kaiser's temptations! Be a hero! Fly away to Legend!”
Purity: ”No! I’m not a Hero, I’ve always been a believer in a ca—”
MC: ”Medhall means Mead Hall. Aster.”
Purity: ”Yes, darling.” Flies away to be Legend’s friend.
MC's yell: ”Fly firefly! Fly!”
MC, checking the long list of Worm’s women: ’Lone mother and unfortunate victim of manipulative asshole, fixed.’
MC: adjusts his fedora and fondly looks at too much loving her uncle Tammi, addicted by boyfriend Sherrel, deceived by lover Nessa and Jessica, overworked because of abusive males Hanna and Rebecca, abused my masculinity Cricket.
Brooding about fact that somewhere it this patriarchal world still awaiting scared my males and misunderstood Emma; forced to villainy by men supportive Sarah; pestered by arseholes innocent Noelle; mastered by sick brute Vicky; blackmailed by male delicate lily Alice; poisoned by men Tess, Riley, Sibby, Simmy; and of course, starving for a little moisture, gentle rose with sharp thorns, PanPan.
MC: 'So many fair maidens need salvation!'
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Clown horns!
Brrrrrr-Brrrrrr-Brrrrrr
BICYCLE BELL SOUND!
Quack! Quack! Quack!
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Narrator: ”Brockton Bay has a population of 350,000 residents.
By estimation of the fully (almost) sane local PRT Director, there is 1 parahuman per 500-2000 residents.
Therefore, Brockton Bay, The Cape Capital of the USA, has 175-700 parahumans.
A small part of which heard this local hassle and decided to join fun and scratch away conflict-inducing urges.”
Boom-boom-boom-boom.
Narrator: ”And Shotgun Westley too!”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Wee‑woo‑wee‑woo‑wee‑woo!
Armsmaster, sitting on Armscycle and enviously glaring at Dauntless: ”YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! Bip-bup.”
Velocity: chaotically runs, hits villains with light slaps, and shows them his cup-less skintight family jewels.
Miss Militia, singing the National Anthem: energy projections of knife — flicker — M29 Davy Crockett — flicker — rubber bullets version M60 machine gun — pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew.
Assault: ”I see we're a little late to the party...”
Battery: tomboyishly brutally Assault-and-Battery Assault.
Dauntless: Lazily Pew-Pew from ”Stick +5 Lightning.”
Dauntless: ’What am I even doing here?’
PRT troopers: filling out the streets with foam and bubbles.
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Wee‑woo‑wee‑woo‑wee‑woo!
Armsmaster: ”Coffee? Arms-mast (C) underwear?”
Krieg: ”Coffee please. You guys have the best coffee in the city.”
Kaiser: ”And I will take panties. If possible, with an autograph.”
Armsmaster to Kaiser: ”Yes, of course, surely, certainly, positively.”
Armsmaster: hits his helmet with Social Prediction System by his halberd and unlocks Armscycle's underwear trunk.
Armsmaster to Kaiser: "An autograph isn’t a problem. Would you like panties with a print of my face on the outside or inside?"
Kaiser: ”Is there a version with two prints at once?”
Armsmaster: ”Yes. But I don’t have such a collectible. For the ”Original Wards Series” (C) such panties could be found only in one-in-a-million chances.”
Battered Assault: ”One in a million! WOW! During years of stalking Puppy with a one-in-10,000 chance, I found only 2 pairs!”
Armsmaster: ”It’s because most of the time you are stalked a Ward. With Wards double panties aren’t issued.”
Crickets (both).
Armsmaster: ”Dragon, emergency! — be patient with me — Dragon, emergency! — be patient with me.”
Dragon: ”I’m here Armsy, I'm here.”
Armsmaster: ”Did I say something wrong?”
Dragon: ”Hello everyone. A little, Armsy. I’ll explain it later.”
Armsmaster: ”I’m a bad boy?”
Dragon: ”No-on, you are a good boy. Good boy. Just little software bugs.”
Armsmaster: ”You’re telling the truth. Software bugs? It's good. I like fixing bugs.”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Kaiser after a pause continues the topic of Protectorate's merchandise: ”You are very lucky with Glenn Chambers, guys.”
Dauntless: ”I heard a rumor that Alexandria, on her knees, begged him to run for POTUS. And do you know what he said? ”But who's going to design costumes?””
Armsmaster: enviously glares at the chill version of free-Tinker.
Assault shaking his head: ”Even just working on PRT, he is essentially the most powerful man in the world.”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Hookwolf to Miss Militia: ”Do you still have those brownies?”
Miss Militia, while remembering by perfect sleepless memory strange trigger shit: ”With blueberry?”
Hookwolf: ”No, mango ones.”
Miss Militia: ”Ah, yes. A few days ago we actually received from Kenta’s Fruits a very large shipment from China. By the way! Recently The Yangban kidnapped a Ward with a fertilizers tinker specialty, so soon all Protectorate capes we will be able to eat them as much as they want!”
Hookwolf, after a sigh: ”I really like them, but— I cannot. I just cannot betray my principles.”
Miss Militia: ”I understand—” Flickering knife. ”When Piggot asked me for undercover work in Lung’s brothel—” Flickering knife. ”I really wanted to turn her away—” Flickering knife. ”But I just cannot. I SHOULD hold up to my values as a great USA patriot and good mother for Wards. Law! Order! And cookies!” Flickering knife.
Reclining on an enormous throne made out of National Treasures swords of Japan, and holding Fudo Masamune, thoughtfully nodding Lung: ”The way of the Samurai is not at the edge of the sword, but at the edge of the heart and respect for your seniors.”
Miss Militia: ”Indeed. At first, I couldn’t comprehend why my superiors wanted me to participate in government sponsored compromise with literal Nazis who literally holding part of a USA city; or peacefully talk with the owner of brothel with underage sex slaves. But right now, by my respect for superior’s greater understanding of patriotism, each day I feel as my heart cultivating increasingly more of patriotism. Slowly nearing breakthrough.”
Oni Lee, almost inaudible: ”tribulations... inner self... tribulations...”
Hookwolf and Lung thoughtfully stroking their chins and slightly nods at Miss Militia’s commendable progress with subjugation to her seniors' wisdom.
Distracted from intellectual talk with Battery about shitstains geometry, physics, and chemistry Skidmark, pointing at a tea ceremony tables with sweets: ”Good shit, state-owned bitch, but go fuck yourself if you think that we’ll forget our shit. Where the fuck is my fucking massage, bitch? Where is fucking meth, lazy shitty ass? Are you fucking with us?! Do you really want to fuck up the balance and start a fucking gang war?!”
Hookwolf: ”My latest five breakouts take more time than usual. If things continue like this I will lower The Rating.”
Miss Militia: ”No, no! Please, just not a gang war, not The Rating (talk about reelection chances of certain Ward's father)! We— massage?— yes, next time there will be a massage! My massage! Law and Order! Law and Order!”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Strider: Buh.
Strider: ”Everyone on board!”
Everyone looks at pensive Kaiser.
Kaiser, as Brockton Bay’s Villain Union speaker: ”Othala— and— Hookwolf. You can go.”
Delighted Protectorate heroes: ’YES! Nazis holding territory in the USA city? Gang-initiation murders? Gesellschaft foothold? Farms? Crime and drugs spree? Casualties of Cops and Robbers farce? So what? Unwritten Rules worked again, and today good guys will have TWO more capes for the Endbringer battle! Worth it! Absolutely worth it!’
Strider: Buh.
Act 4: Simurgh
Dragon's suits: Whoosh-Whoosh-Whoosh.
Dragon to MC: ”Take this exploding tinkertech jewelry before fight with Tinker 12.”
MC: ”Tnx!”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Alexandria: Imposing herself onto everyone else.
Eidolon: [ARROGANCE] [FRUSTRATION] [ANTICIPATION]
Legend: ”Attention! Because of the early alpha version of Dragon’s and Armsmaster's Endbringer prediction program we have a few minutes of time for preparation! Therefore, I wanted to use this precious time to remind you about the terrifying statistics of such battles—”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Detailed description of: Narwhal's three-foot horn and scales, Chevalier's sword and trip vision, loony mage.
A few words about Panacea, Othala, Scapegoat, Flechette, and... other capes. Like... like big strength guys, small dexterity guys, yes, and some smart guys with mech, and a few repainted Purities. But nothing better than Narwhal, of course! Narwhal is a peak!
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Alexandria, after Legend’s listing of grim statistics: ”Listen up main plan!
Shooting flyers go with Legend and shoot from above!
Shooting sitters should shoot from the ground!
Non-shooting sitters should wait for a phase when, because of some poor soul aggro-cape Simurgh temporarily lowers to the ground. As always during such phases, hold her attention as much as you can. When Eidolon fully charges his Ultra Eidolon Finisher, just scram and don't spoil our battle statistics!”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Sudden maddening elevator-music-like sound.
Slow Simurgh descent and side-to-side flight.
95% of capes just run under Simurgh and wait for her to go down.
Alexandria: ’Just one leaked video of such fights and one clever idea to add ”The Benny Hill Show” music and humanity will be finished.’
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Alexandria: ”Do this!”
Capes: Bang!; Pew-Pew!; Trrr!; Pow!
Legend: Add to Simurgh’s song rainbow light show.
Eidolon: Conserves his power-juice and carefully watches for those who may seem better than him.
Armband: ”Bro deceased, CD-1. Kitty down, CD-1. Kitty deceased, CD-1. Helper deceased, CD-1.”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Simurgh: leisurely creates a doomsday machine nearby Earth, coincidently in range of shooting sitters.
Alexandria: ”Do that!”
Capes: Bang!; Pew-Pew!; Trrr!; Pow!
Armband: ”Kawaii deceased, CD-1. Smile down, CD-1. Smile deceased, CD-1. Chubster down.”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
MC: Uses superpowers.
Simurgh: BLUNDER. Zoom in at her surprised face.
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Simurgh: ’[CONFUSION] [INQUIRY] [ANOMALY] [DATA] [DATA] [DATA]’
Scion: [Shrug]
Trillions upon trillions upon trillions of shards in Shard network: ’[just-a-typical-completely-unknown-type-and-source-of-energy] [even-battering-of-you-by-solar-system-isn’t-dangerous-to-you] [destruction-of-your-core-would-destroy-anomalous-planet-one-of-millions] [don’t-disturb-our-energy-conservation] [CHICKEN]
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Simurgh: !!!ANGRY SCREECHING!!! Rice power level from 0,15% to 0,16%.
Armband: ”Butterfly Effect deceased, CD-1. Hippie down, CD-1. Unimportant deceased, CD-1.”
Alexandria: fistfight and catfight Simurgh. Destroying everything except of own unlikeness to Rebecca Costa-Brown.
Capes: Bang!; Pew-Pew!; Trrr!; Pow!
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Eidolon: do Ultra Eidolon Finisher.
BANG! Doomsday machine destroyed!
Simurgh: flies away, up, to the perfect place for doomsday machines creation.
All three Endbringers return to their usual activities: destruction of satellites, sea shipping, and drilling machines.
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Legend: ”Victory! We drove her away with the record raid time! We can only guess about Simurgh's power limitations, but mister timer says that Canberra wouldn't be walled!”
Everyone: ”Hurray!”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Eidolon and Panacea: relaxedly smoking with satisfied smiles.
Shaper: [Whassup?!]
High Priest: [Whassuuuup?!!]
Shard network: [WHASSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPP?!!!!]
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Brandish (who here because of Victoria who here because of Amy, who here because she must) glares at lazy Amy in search of her canon’s counterpart characteristics, and fearing canonical Amy’s behavior and its canonical consequences.
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Legend to Alexandria: "Do we know what her main target was?"
Alexandria: ”Officially, it was an attack against a technological project.”
Legend: ”And unofficially, for members of our ”very cool super secret club for adults with traumatized childhoods and overcontrolling Mommy?”
Alexandria: ”It was attack on another person who often said that 500$ per months, free housing, food, mental health, whores, and power-related competitive entertainments are the answer to parahumans crime.”
Legend: ”Clever.”
Alexandria: ”Yes, clever. But we aren’t idiots to take Endbringers ”hints” for face value and take away resources from such important projects as Terminus and Nemesis.”
Legend: ”We are the very lucky that despite their enormous power they are so much dumber than us.”
Alexandria: ”Indeed.”
⸻⸻⸻⸻
Buh.
Strider: ”Attention! Next stop - shi— Cape Capital of the USA! Attention! Next stop - Cape Capital of the USA! Everyone on board!
Buh.