Dear Journal:
I haven’t spoken to my sister since last Friday. I’ve barely even seen her. She’s gone full recluse mode.
Until a few weeks ago, that would’ve been fine with me (preferred even), but over the last few days I’ve felt empty… and not just because sissy ate my Burger World combo meal. Dr. Chen says writing in my journal is a great way to work through my thoughts and emotions, so here I am...
Not to get all clinical, but I believe there are four reasons I feel the way I do—
1.) I’m mad at myself for what happened Friday. As good as it felt to poke Michelle’s pudge and call her “fatty,” I shouldn’t have done it. Not because it was wrong, but because I called attention to it. It’s one thing to gain weight; it’s another to be called “fat” by your tubby little sister. The last thing I want to do is scare her straight. For all I know, she’s in her room doing sit-ups and crunchies right now.
2.) I miss feeding her. Between the candy, treats, and Starbucks drinks, I was adding hundreds of calories to Michelle’s daily diet. Those Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccinos are nearly 800 calories by themselves!
3.) I miss seeing results. This is an extension of #2. What’s the point of weaponizing food if you can’t see the damage it’s doing?
4.) I miss her. It’s something I never thought I’d admit, but I kind of enjoyed spending time with my sister…and not just because she was chunking up on my watch. That’s part of it, sure, but we also shared some laughs watching movies and playing games of Exploding Kittens.
Of all the reasons, #4 has me the most conflicted. It makes me wonder if I should feel more guilty about #1-3.
But then I think about Friday night. I really thought sissy and I were growing closer. Like we were when we were little. When we would huddle together and whisper about boys and our parents.
I was foolish to think things could be like that again. The reason she let her guard down around me wasn't because she cares; it's because she DOESN’T care. In her eyes, I don't matter. I’m just her piggy little sister, and that’s all I’ll ever be.
We’ll see about that.
--Jessie