Carmen Dei 31: Who I am Inside
It had been two weeks since the Abyssal attack on Helsinki. In that time, Amber had transitioned from scouting missions, to search and rescue, relief efforts, and back to scouting missions. However, for the past week, none of her sorties had turned up any signs of Abyssal corruption. In fact, none of the other scouts, whether Knight, Fatui, or Finnish, had found any orcs, Abyssal corruption, or other signs of problems.
They had found at least three more demon moose and other horrors, but those just sort of existed now. Heck, in Germany, people still found Eyes of the Storm, whopper flowers, specters, slimes, and other random monsters. That was just how the world worked now. Sure, the monsters in Finland were a bit scarier than average, but they still weren’t as bad as the ones in Poland or the other parts of the Storm Range.
She hovered her glider over a stretch of barren ground near the city. The entire place had been hideously corrupted by the Abyss, but at the moment, Kollei, Angel of Compassion, was leading a collection of clerics and priests from the Evangelical Lutheran Church of Finland and the Knights of Favonius (who were also mostly Lutheran, but with a smattering of Catholics). As Amber watched, the blighted ground bloomed with crystal flowers and trees, the Abyssal corruption absorbed by the thorny plants. The area would still be off limits, but the icy gardens of Compassion would safeguard the land and soil, and prevent the spread of the corruption.
And kill any Abyssal creature that dared to spawn in that thicket.
Once the ritual was complete, Amber folded her wings and dove, coming to a landing at the edge of the clearing. She tucked her glider into its pack, then stood, shifting nervously from foot to foot.
As always, Kollei was accompanied by Cheri Vasili, whose loyalty had transferred unquestioningly alongside her mistress. As an angel, Kollie could have demanded other bodyguards and honors, but she was dressed in a simple kansallispuka dress, with a white apron, blue and green skirt, icy blue bodice, and green shawl with thorny vines and flowers embroidered on it. It hadn’t taken Kollei long to embrace Finnish dress and mannerisms, despite her Russian birth.
Upon seeing Amber, Kollei’s eyes flashed with delight, and a radiant smile bloomed on her face. Amber felt her heart skip a beat, and despite herself, she knelt and made the sign of the cross.
Amber, please. Rise, Kollei said gently, though she didn’t hide her divine aspect. She probably had further duties to attend to, and when she was performing acts in the name of God, Kollei maintained her holy form.
Blushing, Amber got back on her feet, and Kollei beckoned to her. For a moment, the holy…light? That wasn’t quite the right word, but something about Kollei…lessened. It wasn’t that she looked any different, she just…felt…normal? Or at least, it was like the gravity she exerted became normal. For now, she was simply Kollei, not the Angel of Compassion.
Hastening forward, Amber offered Kollei her arm, and was a little surprised when her friend sighed and leaned heavily on her, apparently more exhausted than she appeared. The priests stayed back several paces out of respect, and even Cheri fell back aways, though Amber saw the cat-girl’s tail lash in irritation.
“Have you any Abyssal activity to report?” Kollei asked.
“No,” Amber said hastily. “It’s all clean. We’ll continue to keep a watch, of course. The Archons have warned us that Finland and Russia are likely to be targets of Abyssal incursions for some time to come, so many of the Knights of Favonius will remain here.”
Kollei nodded, patting Amber’s arm. “But not you.”
Amber blushed. “I, well…I escaped from House Arrest…and…and I have to fly free, Kollei. I can’t…I can’t be chained again. And…and I know some other lost little girls and boys. Who…who need. Me. And…”
“And someone you need,” Kollei said, giving Amber a sad smile.
“I, if you need me, I can stay…” Amber said hesitantly.
“No. We will see one another again. But you already set me free, Amber. You allowed me to become Forneus.”
“Forneus?” Amber asked curiously, and Kollei inclined her head.
“My Divine name. Kollei is who I was, and am, but I have also become Forneus, Angel of Compassion,” Kollei explained as they walked. Around them, icy vines and crystal flowers bloomed, then melted back into the earth.
“Then…you don’t style yourself a god?” Amber asked, feeling rather relieved. “You’re a Christian?”
Kollei sighed. “It’s…a tricky theological situation. What a god is and was on Teyvat, and what a god is and was here…I can be an angel. I do not claim to be an all knowing or all powerful being. Indeed, I am very limited. A newborn. Unlike Dalnim, I do not have the memories of my mother, nor a body manufactured to be divine. My body was remade by my mother, yes, but I was a mortal until a very short time ago. While my powers are great compared to a mortal, or even most Vision Holders and Parahumans, I am still weak and unsteady by the standards of the Archons. Though I will note, that is more because they have hundreds or thousands of years of experience and growth behind them. An Archon, I am learning, is more of a title, or position. Not simply a class of being.”
“So…?” Amber felt a little confused, and Kollei really hadn’t answered her question.
“I will be a Christian, because my people are Christian. My first duty is to be Compassion to mankind. Is that not what Jesus Christ himself told Christians to be?” Kollei asked.
“I…I guess?” Amber said, frowning slightly. “But, I mean, you don’t serve the Tsaritsa…right?”
“I am a part of…well, I would use the term Pantheon, but I suppose…family, is a less of a loaded term. I am her daughter. And, the Bible does say, “Children, Obey your parents, that it may go well with you, and you may live long in the land?”
“That’s…in…Proverbs?” Amber guessed. She wasn’t much of one for memorizing scripture.
“Ephisians 6:1, and Exodus 5:20. Though the former is referencing the latter,” Kollei said gently. “But you didn’t come to have a theological debate, right?”
“No, I just…I…I want…” Amber swallowed, then blurted, “I’m going to see Arlan because I think I’m in love with him but I’m confused because even though he’s a man he, he doesn’t, you know, and, and I’m not gay, but, but I just…I miss him and the orphanage, and Lord Barbatos is OK with this stuff, but I just, I wanted to ask you, and- why are you laughing at me!? That really hurts, Kollei!”
“Amber,” Kollei said, smiling and shaking her head. “I’m Compassion. My mother is Love. Do you honestly think I’d tell you that your love is wicked or wrong?”
“I, well, no, I just…” Amber swallowed. “I-if I told my mom…she’d freak. Good Lutheran girls aren’t…you know…it’s one thing for Lord Barbados to say it, and, um, other girls…but not her daughter…”
“And will you allow her to clip your wings? Or even me?” Kollei asked.
Amber stood up straight. “No. I…I don’t know if I’m going to see my mom again. I wrote her a letter. I, I explained everything. That…that I’m staying in Kazakhstan, at the orphanage, with Arlan. Those kids…they need, well…um, maybe a mom. I don’t know if Arlan feels that way about me…but I do about him.”
“Mmmm. I have great Compassion for those who show the same to the least of these. Arlan has sacrificed his life and well being for his children,” Kollei said. “I gave him a boon. Anything he could ask of me. Do you know what he asked for?”
“Yes,” Amber said, her heart fluttering slightly at the memory. “Food, medicine, and clothing. Enough for all his children.”
“This he was given,” Kollei said with a nod. “Though Lord Buer would not have allowed children to go unfed or unclothed in her lands, and she has claimed Kazakhstan beyond any doubt. But Arlan asked for nothing for himself. It is the way of parents to sacrifice all for the happiness of their children.”
Amber nodded, scuffing the ground. “Yeah. He…he’s a really great dad. Mine…was kinda shitty. Um, sorry.”
“Пусть у этого ублюдка член замерзнет и отвалится,” Kollei said with a dead serious expression.
Amber’s ears felt like they were on fire, and she clapped her hands to her mouth. “Kollei! You, you’re an angel! You can’t just, you can’t-”
“I very much can. I may be Compassion, but I do not show such to tormentors and bullies. My blessings are reserved for their victims,” Kollei said, her expression stony.
“Um, uh, ok. I, er…maybe have thought…similar things,” Amber admitted.
Kollei nodded, then stepped off the path she was treading on. She approached a rowan tree, which had clusters of green berries on it this late in the summer. Reaching up a hand, the tree bent itself down, and Kollei was able to pluck a single berry, which began to glow with power.
“You have Compassion for Arlan. And I, for you. I have seen his heart, and yours, Amber. Arlan knows he is a man, but is ashamed to spend any money or effort in changing his appearance or undergoing any treatment. Any such resources could be given to his children, for their need is great, and he sees his own need as small. I do not. And I can give enough gifts that all their needs may be met.”
Gently, Kollei set the glowing berry in Amber’s hand, and closed her fingers around it. “Give this to Arlan. If he eats it, he shall fall into a deep sleep. When he awakens, his body shall match his spirit.”
Amber’s heart skipped a beat. “So, you mean-”
Kollei smiled, and gently put her hand to Amber’s abdomen. “You shall bear him beautiful children. Don’t worry about the wedding. You have my blessing already. Paperwork doesn’t matter to me.”
That caused Amber’s face to go fully red. “I, we, we haven’t, that is, I-I don’t even know-”
“Amber. You’re moving across the entire world to go live in a man’s house and take care of his children. You’re in love, and it’s a beautiful thing,” Kollei said with a laugh. She stepped forward, and kissed Amber on the forehead. “I’ll miss you. Write often. And…visit me, someday. You have wings. You can always fly free.”
“I, I will!” Amber promised, clutching the precious berry to her chest. “I, um, I-I guess I’d better get going…”
“Then allow me to speed you on your way,” Kollei said, and with a gesture, opened a portal to the Dream in the trunk of the Rowan tree. “You will still need to fly. Arabalika is waiting. He will open the way for you on the other side.”
Amber nodded, feeling tears on her cheeks. She hugged Kollei tightly. “Thank you! I, I will right! I’ll miss you…best buddy…”
“You will always be my best friend,” Kollei told Amber, stroking her cheek. “But I think another will be a better friend to you than I. But that is a good thing. Go. With my blessing.”
Amber nodded, then hastened through the Portal. She was up in the starry night sky of the Dream before she realized she hadn’t packed anything. Not her clothes, not her few meager possessions she’d squirled away, not the tools she’d scrounged up.
She just laughed. She didn’t care. She had her Vision, and it told her to fly free, free to her roost.
The journey should have taken days, but in less than an hour, she was circling over a wide sea, and a building that glowed brightly upon its shores. It seemed that in the Dream, the Aral Sea wasn’t a dying husk of itself. Maybe one day, reality would reflect the perfect azure waves that reflected stars, sun, and moon, but Amber wasn’t thinking about that very much.
Instead, she landed in a wonderful garden, full of plants, and the tinkling sound of children’s laughter. There, standing atop a mound of earth, was Arabalika, staff in hand. He bowed to Amber as she landed, her glider wings folding into her backpack.
“Welcome home, Saśakā-Nara,” Arabalika said with a somber nod.
“It…it’s good to be home, Arabalika,” Amber said, kneeling down in front of the old fairy, who looked at her with fond, beady eyes. “Does anyone else know I’m coming?”
Arabalika shook his head, causing a slight tinkling sound. “Small-nara do not listen well. They make too much noise. Father-nara mopes about and has sand in his head. He does not listen at all. Saśakā-Nara must teach other nara how to listen. To sing the right songs. To listen to svapna, and dream once more. It is good she has come home.”
Amber nodded. “Good. I…I’m ready. How do I…?”
Arabalika held up his stubby little arm, and Amber took it. He turned and led her into the garden. They passed through rows of sunflowers and corn, and then out into daylight. Amber blinked and shielded her eyes, which had grown used to the eternal twilight of the Dream.
“Who goes there?” a rough, familiar voice called, and Amber grinned. “Who is- Amber? Amber!”
There was the clatter of a tool hitting the ground, and before Amber knew what was happening, she gasped in shock and delight and strong arms picked her up and spun her about like she was a small child. She laughed and cried and the same time, even as shouting children surrounded her and Arlan.
She was gasping for breath as Arlan set her down, looking somewhat embarrassed. “I, sorry, I was just so excited to see you, Sir Kohlhaas. What are you doing here? I thought you were still fighting the Abyss in Finland.”
“I was,” Amber said, unable to stop smiling or take her eyes off Arlan. Did he really need to change? He was just so…him. Wonderful. Amber decided she didn’t care if that made her gay, or whatever. As long as she could be with Arlan. “But…but then…I thought about you, and the kids, and, um, I wanted to ask you something.”
“I, well, of course,” Arlan said, his own dark face split in a dopey grin. “Whatever myself and the children can do for you.”
There was a cheer and a chorus of agreement until Arlan hushed the kids with a glare, which resulted in many fits of giggles.
“I, um, lean closer,” Amber said, and Arlan obligingly inclined his head. “You’re the children’s Father, right?”
Brow furrowing in confusion, Arlan simply nodded.
Biting her lip, Amber managed. “Well, um, I was wondering…is the position of…of mother, available?” Oooo, she was going to be a slut forever.
“I…” Arlan blinked a few times. Then suddenly grabbed Amber, lifted her up, and kissed her.
“EEEEEWWWWWWW!” was the universal response from the children. Then they cheered and clapped.
“Children,” Arlan said seriously, Amber’s lipstick smeared all over his face. She’d made sure to put some on right before she’d landed, since she had a pretty good idea of what she wanted to be doing. “I want you to meet your new mother.”
The next thing Amber knew, she had 37 crying and laughing children all tackling her at once. She ended up on the ground, with kids pressing themselves on top of her. Each of them wanted to be assured that Amber was, in fact, staying this time, and they all asked the same question.
“Will you really be our mom?”
“Yes,” Amber told each of them, and hugged them tightly. “I will.”
There was a great celebration that night, with a great many fruit and vegetable dishes, and even a few precious cans of meat and bags of sugar used to complete the feast. The children would have stayed up all night, but Amber very firmly helped Arlan put them all to bed, from the youngest who was only a few months old, to Nadya, who lingered in the doorway of the room she shared with six other girls.
“Why did you come back?” Nadya asked, looking into Amber’s face.
“What do you mean? I couldn’t just leave you all here alone with no mom,” Amber said in a half teasing tone.
“Yes, you could have,” Nadya said bluntly. “Everyone else did. Why do you care?”
“Because…because I love you,” Amber told her, and gave Nadya a hug. “And your father.”
Nadya started shaking, and Amber realized the girl was weeping, clinging tightly to Amber. “Please…please don’t ever leave…”
“I won’t. I might go on trips sometimes. I am still a Knight of Favonius. But this is my home now. I’ll always come back here, to you,” Amber promised.
She ended up kissing Nadya on the forehead, then having to say goodnight to the six other girls all over again, who also wanted another goodnight kiss.
At last, Amber walked slowly and nervously to Arlan’s small bedroom, clutching her precious travel pouch, which still contained Kollei’s fruit. She didn’t even knock on the door, simply pushing it open.
To her shock, she caught Arlan naked, coming out of the small bathroom, clothes laid out on his bed for the morning. “Amber! I, ah…yes. I, I can sleep elsewhere. It is warm outside, and…” Arlan said, blushing and covering his chest.
“No,” Amber said, stepping forward. She reached up, and kissed Arlan again. He hesitated, then exposed himself, and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her.
“I…I did not think…” Arlan swallowed. “You…I thought you liked men.”
“I do. And since you’re a man, that’s alright,” Amber said. She guided Alran over to the bed, and soon, she was naked as well, Arlan’s hands gently removing her stained tunic and tabard, and roaming gently over her body, causing gooseflesh to sprout all over.
“Amber, I…I find you very…attractive,” Arlan breathed. “But…I am ashamed…Though I am a man…I cannot…I am not…”
“Arlan, I want you to know, even if you always look like this…I’ll still share your bed, and love you,” Amber told him. “But…but Kollei sent a gift.”
Arlan perked up at that. “More supplies? We still have plenty, but winter is not that far off, and it’s harder to get food, and the children always need more clothing. Your machine will help with the shoes, but-”
“No. For you. And, um, me. Since um…w-while I, I will love you as you are…I er…um, it’s your choice, but, ah, I would enjoy, very much, if-”
“Amber, what are you talking about?” Arlan asked, brow furrowed.
Hastily, Amber reached under the bed, pulled out her satchel, and handed over the fruit. “It’s, um, well, it’s from Kollei. She says if you eat it, you’ll have a body to match your spirit. B-but you don’t have to! If you, if you just want to stay how you are…then I’ll still be your wife!” Amber declared.
“Wife,” Alran said, rolling the fruit in his hand. He looked down on it. “It’s…some sort of hormone therapy? I…I always wanted…but it’s so expensive…Maybe…maybe I should sell it to…”
“Arlan. Do you not like the body you have?” Amber demanded.
“I hate it,” Arlan snapped. “I always have. I knew it was wrong. When they caught me, ripped my clothes off, killed Zarina, I…well. I triggered. But not in time. So, so useless. I could no longer burn, but it was too late.”
Gently, Amber took the fruit, and placed it on Arlan’s lips. He opened his mouth, closed his eyes, and chewed. He started, then gulped. “Tart. Very tart. I…oh. I feel…Amber…I’m…sorry, I can’t…”
Arlan fell back on the bed, eyes fluttering shut. Amber looked down at him, as his body began to glow softly. She smiled, then leaned over and kissed him. She was a bit disappointed they wouldn’t make love tonight, but she was tired, too. Maybe…she’d just close her eyes…for a little…
“Amber!” a deep voice boomed, and Amber gasped and sat bolt upright in bed, then had to stifle a scream. A man with red eyes, white and black hair, broad shoulders, and a black and white beard was in bed with her! Wait…
“Arlan?” she asked, sleeping rapidly clearing from her mind.
“Yes!” he laughed, and hugged her tightly, driving the breath from her body. Arland had been strong before, but now…well. It was a little scary. Very exciting…but scary. “It’s me! Amber, it’s really me!”
“I…yes,” Amber said, running a hand over the hair that had sprouted on his chest. It wasn’t thick a German man’s would have been, but it was definitely present. She looked up at Arlan’s face, and grinned. “It’s you!”
“This is…this is how I always imagined…” tears filled Arlan’s eyes, and Amber hugged him as he cried for a few moments.
Then, she noticed something else. Apparently, the change was rather complete. “Oh!”
“Ah, um, I have not…that is…what do we do?” Arlan said, looking somewhat embarrassed to discover the other change to his anatomy.
“I, um….I think we’ll figure it out,” Amber told him.
They did. Their new son was born almost exactly nine months later, welcomed by 37 older siblings. Their family would grow over the years, but Amber and her husband always found room in their hearts, and their ever-expanding home, for all of their children.
Author’s Note:
Well, that’s enough fluff and happiness.
Let the War begin.