Oct 26 - Last update before render! Also, here's a fully rendered frame! (not color corrected/etc)Ended up having another panic attack on the 21st (not as bad this time though!), so I opted to just do the basic loop instead of anything more complicated. I figure if I'm gonna spend extra time on a thing I at least want it to be one of the more exciting animations. That said, nearly done here! Just need to finalize pp/balls physics and shape and I can start rendering. The render itself should take around 30 hours. The scene ended up having a lot of noise so I had to not only crank up the sample count, but the resolution in order to preserve detail. This one will be 1440p!Also, about the panic attacks. I'd actually been fighting them off about every other night since that first one on the 2nd. One just finally got through I guess. That said, it wasn't nearly as bad this time, lasted only around 3-4 hours instead of over 8 and wasn't as intense. Probably because I recognized it as a panic attack before it really even started this time. I was able to really sit in it this time and sort of "calmly" observe my body freaking out. And after a few days of thinking about why this one happened I'm not so worried about another. The triggers are pretty specific, those being significant stomach upset/nausea when in bed, and also just... fear of random panic attacks. That one's new, but shouldn't be a problem for long, since the panic attacks don't actually seem to be random! Anyway, thank you all for your patience. BIG thanks. Despite it all, I made a lot of mental health progress this month! And there's not much scary stuff left for a while, so I should be going at normal-ish speed for the next animation. Though, I will be starting the Prozac at some point during the next few weeks. Hopefully my body reacts better to this one! Got a super low dose and I'm even gonna go every other day at first so it should basically do "nothing". Probably overkill, but I'd rather be extra careful this time so I can actually start.-Oct 19 - Alright, had a hard time figuring this out (and was super distracted mentally preparing to have a blood test, which went really well by the way!), but it's like 75% done!Still need to set up balls & cock physics, rest of the hair physics, and some lighting tweaks.Originally the plan was to have her look up from her phone and roll her eyes at the camera, but it's a bit too much for me mentally right now. So I'm either going to just have it loop like this, or have her react to different things she sees on her phone. Not sure yet. For now I'll just focus on setting up the physics stuff and see how it feels once things are more fleshed out.-Oct 10 - Ok so I've been totally preoccupied since the last post (details below), but finally managed to finish setting up M*rie's swimsuit. Set up a super rough physics test and things look good aside from a few artifacts! Might tweak the breast shape a bit more but other than that I'm ready to start the actual scene!
As for where I've been, as you may have seen on twitter or bsky I finally started trying to get help for my mental health, specifically anxiety. It's going great! Mostly. But I had a lot of side effects from one of the medications they had me try (lexapro).
Ended up having hot flashes, nausea, dilated pupils and woke up into a huge panic attack at like 6am on the 2nd. It only took two days for me to understand that this one wasn't gonna work out, and I've been just sorta recovering for a while and dealing with other stuff. (dog is doing good!)
That said, the other medication they had me try, propranolol, I find to be pretty effective! It basically helps stop the physical symptoms of anxiety. For me this means heart racing, palpitations, nausea, shortness of breath, irritability, etc. I must have some kind of circular anxiety loop going on where my physical symptoms also cause me MORE anxiety because my mental is so much clearer as well. It's kinda crazy to feel the bad feelings try to kick in and fail. Big fan of this one so far.
This isn't something I take every day though. I CAN, but I'd like to avoid it if possible because it's technically a heart medication. A very safe one mind you, but I'm going to explore my options first. Speaking of, I managed to schedule another appointment and was taken off lexapro and had it replaced with prozac. They basically do the same thing, though hopefully without the side-effects this time. Haven't picked it up yet because I'm not ready to possibly take the-pill-that-sends-you-to-hell again yet LMAO. I'll probably give it a shot after this M*rie thing is done. Oh and therapy has been scheduled but that's not until late November.
As usual, thank you all for your patience!! Seriously. Doing my best trying to get my brain under control. One day I hope to be able to just sit down and start working on stuff at normal speed, and not have to charge a courage spirit bomb in order to send dms 🙏