Hi folks.
What follows is a vent, because I don't know who to trust... and I need to vent somewhere. This is about as close to a safe space as I have. I am okay. But I am also near breaking point emotionally, so I am going to stop.
Gonna be really honest with you. Having Breitbart pick up my story and purposely misgender me on X, and then seeing nearly a million people look at it, 480 people piling on and 5k plus people retweeting it... doesn't feel good.
The rise in attacks on our server (don't worry, nobody has got in) — hate mail to my email account(s) and hate on our YT channel has just been too much.
I've turned off comments on the video, and the media post associated with it. I'll keep an eye on the comments section in the interim, and if someone else makes threats or posts unsavory stuff, I'll deal with them. Since neither the local police nor YouTube would actively do anything about it, I am on my own, so I'm going to protect myself.
I'm taking a day. I'll try and publish the videos tomorrow.
I like my job. I like making content. I love interacting with you all. But when it gets to a point where I'm being called "it" and "thing" (and many, many more words besides I won't repeat here) simply and purely for existing? I need some time.
I've been misquoted before. I've never been intentionally, vindictively misgendered quite this badly. Sure, anti-trans comments in the comments section — that's one thing. But openly making me a target for right-wing nut jobs on X? Next level.
I went out shopping this morning, and honestly, I did not want to be there. Every time I go out these days, I'm... nervous. It's one reason I don't do a lot of public stuff any more. Breitbart's just turned it up to 100.
I will be okay. I always am — because I'm either a sucker for punishment, or stupid. Or maybe both. Some people call it resilience. I call it pig-headedness. I don't want TE to be about me. I want TE to be about cleaner, greener, safer, smarter and more equitable transportation and energy. Not what (isn't) in my pants (and hasn't been for nearly a quarter century).
So I'll take some time. I'm going to go and re-connect some of the stuff I took off Ortegas last week when I thought we were going to have her written off. I'm going to hug a dog or two. Spend time with my beloved. Listen to more of Matt Dinniman's "A Parade of Horribles" from his DCC series.
Oh, and I'll give some long and hard thought about the future. I'm genuinely wondering if I should just disappear off camera forever. Maybe it's time for TEN to just have voiceover. And TE. That's what all the cool kids are doing, right?
Love and gratitude. Nikki.