My Dearest Onyx-
I begin this letter to you with the acceptance that you may never receive it. I will not tell you the specifics of how I even managed to make this contact happen, lest this message be intercepted and I jeopardize the freedom and safety of those involved. I will simply say that if this SMT device even makes it off this ship, that alone will take a miracle. And then that you receive it as intended is even more unlikely. And yet simultaneously, I am trying to live by what I know you would say if you were here. That the likeliness of this working is actually 100%. Like that analogy you gave me once about a photon of light somehow efficiently making its way to the photosynthesizing core of a plant cell. Impossible, yet, inevitable.
It is that very “delusional optimism” that has kept me going through these recent years. Years. I cannot believe it has been years already. There is so much to tell you… where would I even begin? I suppose I'll wait to see if this even works before I bother getting into too much of the details. For now, the broad strokes:
I am, well....relatively okay. All things considered. I am generally safe. Circumstances are certainly far from ideal, and I would be lying if I said that since I last saw you was not the most challenging period of my life, to say the least. But I want you to know, and I really mean this, that the hardest part is far behind me, and through patience and wit and diplomacy...I have managed to work my way up into a situation that is far, far better than when this nightmare began. The establishment is, of course, consistently insufferable. However, I do all I can to be on good terms. I am blessed to have a few other captives in my midst that bring my days deep enjoyment. Our camaraderie is a special one, and we share a bond that makes even the darkest days more than bearable.
ONYX! LOVE! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN???? Those words seem far too casual for such an epic reuniting of this proportion, and after all this time…and yet, I can think of no better words, for there is no question I would rather have answered. There is nothing else in this life that I think about as much as you, and although I try to maintain a peaceful heart and not worry about you, because I know you would tell me not to, I still give more energy into wondering just how you are doing, what you are doing, if you're okay...than you'll ever know. The good news is, you are the wisest and most strong, capable person I've ever known, and knowing that about you helps me find happiness in assuming that, as always, you are making the very best of the situation that you can and thriving in your own typical Onyx way. I've gotten pretty good at this "unconditional alignment," as you call it; I have no choice but to assume you are doing well if I am to feel good. But I'm pretty overdue for some CONDITIONAL reassurance, dammit! So please, tell me you are well, and let it be the truth, my love.
Oh, on that note, before I forget... (This would be a bad time for my famous absent-minded professor act.) I'm sure you're familiar with this particular contraption, but just in case you aren't, it's incredibly easy. (The hard part will be getting it TO you initially.) All you need to do is write your response to me and place it back in the little tube, and press the blue button. This will send your reply to me nearly instantly, and intact. A truly amazing piece of technology. And to think how recently I was impressed by my fancy new VCR! The coordinates should already be set and therefore linked with my corresponding receiver, but in case they get cleared, you need to enter " 2104027.333.62615 " before pushing the blue button. I'm sure you'll get a kick out of a certain triple digit number present. That wasn't lost on me, either.
Speaking of which, I had a dream the other night. A most wonderful dream that I simply demand to see as the best of omens. Before you, I don't think I even believed in “omens”...or signs...what you often call synchronicities. But knowing you has changed that in a variety of ways. Even putting aside some of our shared experiential moments that I long ago accepted as evidence for some divine orchestration at play, I think I can simply say with confidence that a universe that has the capacity to contain someone as truly as sublime and wonderful as you must SURELY also contain that which we call magic.
So, as for the dream I had..it was special for a couple reasons. I think I can count on one hand the times in my life that I've had a truly lucid dream, but this was one of them! The dream started with me "waking up" in my cell in the middle of the night to pee as I always do about 3 times a night these days. (Getting older sure has its charms, no? If I ever do see you again, perhaps you can reconfigure the microbiodroids to make my bladder bigger? I'm joking of course; there are worse problems to have, many of which I've now avoided for some time now. That has been one blessing throughout all this ordeal...No matter what happens, at least I always have my health. Thank YOU for that.) Upon waking up, I quickly noticed that the door to my cell was wide open. That part alone wasn't unheard of, however given that it was halfway through the simulated night cycle, and there was nobody around, it was extremely peculiar. I poked my head out my open door to look down the hallway, and saw that one of the doors about 100 meters down was open, with a warm glow emanating from it. Despite my unsureness and the vague risk involved, I tiptoed down the hallway towards the light. About halfway down the hallway is when my logical brain started to kick in. I realized that not only were there no containment crew anywhere to be seen, but there was NOBODY insight…and once past this threshold of uncanny is when I realized…this must be a dream! I’m lucid dreaming! Realizing one is actively dreaming is a very exciting thing, but I did my best to remain calm and neutral, so as to not excite myself awake.
When I reached the door and looked into it, I saw what the source of the light was, and let me tell you, I mean it when I say it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was you! Just as I remember you, standing there in the flesh (in your human form)...except somehow more...luminous. You weren't any visibly brighter than you would be in reality, and yet somehow you were actually a source of light that illuminated the entire room (it was a maintenance room of some sort, with another closed door in the back corner. A very secure door, mind you, which is ALWAYS locked.) As soon as our eyes met, your face lit up (pun intended) and that enormous smile, which I have not seen in far too long, greeted me as if to say, "IT WORKED!" But you immediately held your finger to your mouth to indicate that we needed to be absolutely silent. I took this in stride but literally ran to you and took you in my arms. We embraced for what felt like an hour, but also felt like but a moment, at the same time. We pulled away enough to see each other’s faces again and you placed your hand on mine tenderly, looking deeply into my eyes for a moment before handing me a piece of paper. A note. Written by you. I quickly read it. It started with something along the lines of, "Hello again my love. I have missed you so much, but it is almost time. You need to act quickly. But remain calm, for all is well. The door behind me is unlocked right now. You need to walk through it. Don't worry, the guards will be preoccupied for a couple minutes. Once you walk through the door, turn left into the hallway and walk to the end, then take another left at the T. Pause at this corner next to the large blue tremylfon, count for about 100 seconds before opening the door to the right of it. It should also be unlocked..." The note continued on and on in this fashion. Gravity and awe slowly pulled my jaw lower and lower as I continued to read these impossibly specific instructions, and as my eyes darted back and forth across the page, a certain excited bliss began to bubble in my chest at the prospect that what I was reading would actually work. You see, the instructions finished with what would be me successfully boarding an unmanned cargo pod, and getting the hell off of this cruiser, to my freedom. My mind was racing. How could you have possibly orchestrated such a nuanced and specific escape for me? But there was no time to question it, as you once again quickly embraced me for a few more moments (this time physically presenting as your true form) before urgently gesturing towards the door in the back of the room for me to be on my way. And you flickered out of existence, leaving the room mostly dark again. I think at this point, I was so involved once again that I forgot I was dreaming. My heart was pounding. I tiptoed towards the door, placed my hand against the cold metal... and pushed. Sure enough, the impossibility that your note had predicted proved true....the door clicked open! And.............. I woke up.
My love, it felt like so much more than a dream. And ever since then, I just have this feeling I cannot shake. Like a joy, but a calm joy. It's a lot like hope...but stronger. Hope is lovely, but it's unsure. This...this is more like a ...knowing. Like I have a really good secret, a superpower I'm just waiting to unleash. I almost can't help but smirk throughout the day. But when asked why, I can never muster an answer that makes any sense to anyone outside my own head. Which is yet another reason that I'm so grateful this opportunity to attempt to contact you in this way has appeared at this specific time... If there is anyone who could understand what I'm feeling, it's you. For a variety of reasons.
It breaks my heart to imagine how worried you must have been about me through this time,at least in the beginning. Though I admit that amidst that heartbreak also hides the fear that you are not worried about me...that you have long accepted my absence or even assumed me dead and, for your own sake, your own spiritual health, made peace and moved on. But in the event you have been worried, I hope more than anything that this letter makes it to you so I can soothe your heart and offer you the following reassurance:
Yes, I have had my challenges. But not a day goes by that I don't remember what you told me that morning they came for me. "This can be the worst thing that ever happened to us, or the best thing that ever happened to us. And only we can decide." So since day one, I have committed to using this time to become the best version of myself I can be every day. For me, and for you. You thought I was cool before? Well, hold onto your butt! (And mine, please. :P) Because I'm stronger now than I ever knew to be possible, and frankly I couldn't have become the person I am today without these hardships. So do not lament the past events and the way this has all transpired, my dear Onyx, and do not pity me for a moment, because, so long as I eventually return to you, it will all have been inexpressibly worth it.
And dammit, I'm going to make that happen. Do you hear me, my Onyx? I will make peace here to the best of my extent. If it means excruciating political poise, and every bit of chameleon wit I can possibly muster....I'm going to find a way. Somehow. I have to, and I WILL, my love. Because you are my family. YOU are the home Earth never was to me. I love you, and I'm coming home to you. And once we are reunited, nothing can ever separate me from you again, not even whatever Gods there may be. I swear by the ever-changing moon and my family's bloodline, that nothing but YOUR own desire will ever take me away from you again, once we are reunited. I love you, my eternal partner.
Without Wax,
C