...
By the time the virtual sun had settled the area into darkness- IE it was late as hell- Mina’s patience had downgraded from weaponised customer service to a barista running a script.
Literally at this point.
He was also pretty tired himself- there was only so much content to farm- which said it all about how his exhibit pieces were feeling, but it was important that the entire day was completed this way.
Mina’s... Mina-ness wasn’t included in that, the girl was effectively free to do what she wanted as far as being a cashier went given the amount of work she’d put in already.
He stared at the latest five in the shop.
They did the usual- stared at the rules wall and pretended to read, came to the counter, opened their mouths to prove they didn’t- “So, if we-”
Mina, like the past three sets of five, raised a hand and cut them off. “No.”
The chosen spokesperson blinked at that. “No... what?”
“No,” Mina repeated. “It’s pre-emptive- sorry, pre-firing, for people still stuck on Fortnite lingo-”
He snorted.
“-to whatever you were going to say.”
The player frowned. “I am sorry, what? Your rules say we can’t ask about certain things- not- not just- that we don’t have free speech!”
“Latest policy,” Mina ignored him, folding her arms on the counter. “Pretend I’m an NPC. The only input I recognise is- ‘One chapter please.’”
All five just stared at her. “You can’t be serious...”
He watched Mina go into her ‘idle’ animation.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘FREE SPEECH’ BRO THIS IS MANGA WENDY’S
ratmilk: this is what retail does to a person
cheap_aviators: ‘pre-firing for people still stuck on Fortnite lingo’ Mina is roasting my entire generation while wearing a pawn mask
eggmanreturns: this is what happens when you farm cor all day and forget to farm sanity
ratmilk: she’s literally AFK until you insert 200 cor
pixx_aria:...Or Alt inserts something else.
ratmilk: pixx for fucks sake
pixx_aria: I am not sorry.
He watched them flail about in response.
“Look, we just want to know about some of the rumours.”
Mina kept idling.
The dagger user in the group shifted. “...Is she bugged?”
“Excuse me,” another one tried. “We just want to ask about... the Elgar auction rumours?”
...He highly doubted they could afford that and judging by Mina’s continued NPC.exe she agreed.
The youngest looking of the group let out a sigh and walked up to the counter. “...One chapter please,” he muttered.
Mina reacted like someone had hit interact on her.
She was getting really good, really quickly at the animations, he had to admit.
“Welcome, valued customer,” she chirped. “What an excellent and emotionally stable choice.”
One trade later and a “Thank you for your patronage to our local book shop,” she finished and then immediately turned idle back on and in as deep a voice as she can manage. “Next.”
The first of the group gaped. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to give us??”
“...Let’s just go,” the one that bought the chapter sighed. “It’s too late for this.”
They argued all the way out.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: SHE’S LITERALLY A VENDING MACHINE WITH ATTITUDE
ratmilk: Mina’s NPC Mode has the difficulty set to ‘ragebait’
cheapt_aviators: ‘THAT’S IT?’ yes. you bought PAPER. you received PAPER.
npc_karen: YOU ARE IN A STORE. THIS IS HOW STORES WORK.
The next five came in with, evidently, a warning from the last ones.
“I’m just saying, if it really is an NPC, we can glitch it-”
...They... hang on- hang on they believed she was an actual npc?
Alt wasn’t sure what that said about the player base.
“So, uh,” another started. “We heard that the Eye only recruits girls”
They got nothing except an idling stare.
“I am pretty sure if she was an actual one she’d respond- Kayaba wouldn’t make defective npcs...”
[Twitch Chat]
ratmilk: BROTHER THAT’S JUST A TIRED GIRL
pixx_aria:...Call my girl a defective NPC again, I fucking dare you- I WILL YANK YOUR HEADSET OFF MYSELF
tv.dinner: imagine trusting Kayaba for QA
npc_karen: bro’s fishing for misogyny DLC
Alt held in the urge to snort at pixx as he watched Mina completely ignore the barb.
“...They said the only thing she hears is ‘One chapter please,’ right?”
“Look I am not going to just dump 200 cors-”
“One chapter please,” the one that asked cut the other off.
Mina instantly reanimated again. “Great choice!” she said. “One legally dubious emotional support book, coming right up!” A beat passed after the trade went through. “Next.”
“... Wow, she really just took my cors and called it a day.” A beat passed. “...I can’t lie the realism hits a little too close to home.”
Alt closed the gap and let out a laugh.
[Twitch Chat]
eggmanreturns: the last group leaving behind patch notes is SENDING me tbh
npc_karen: ‘I AM NOT GOING TO DUMP 200 CORS-’ immediately gets overruled by capitalism
tv.dinner: Last bro got dating flashbacks in a death game
ratmilk: Alt cracking at psychological human suffering is always a nice reminder of who the protagonist is.
tv.dinner: Bro you can’t call a hostage a protagonist LOL
ratmilk: ...Really, that’s the line you guys draw? Not pixx constantly thirsting every fifteen seconds in chat?
tv.dinner: Yes.
npc_karen: Mhm.
eggmanreturns: soz rat, one is objectifying him, the other is fictionalising him.
ratmilk: That is not a thing- HOW DID WE EVEN GET HERE!?
pixx_aria: ‘munches popcorn’
...
One of them tried to game it.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “Miss masked npc. Listen.” He took a breath. “One chapter please, and can you tell us-”
“Invalid syntax,” Mina deadpanned. “Please separate purchases and existential crises.”
Another of the group stepped up to the counter. “How about two chapters?”
They also got nothing for their efforts.
“...You’re kidding.”
The same one tried again. “One chapter please...”
“Input accepted.” Mina immediately said.
“Wait, actually, I want two of them,” The same poor bastard tried to add on.
“Then say it twice.”
Alt bit his hand.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: SHE’S SO PETTY I’M IN TEARS
ratmilk: I can’t even anymore
cheap_aviators: this is literally how gacha banners work, say the words repeat the pain
tv.dinner: ‘please separate purchases and existential crises’ and ‘say it twice’ are the only two customer service scripts i ever want again
eggmanreturns: Alt biting his hand to stop from laughing is about to get put into the worst context- I just know it
...
There were some unintended casualties.
A tank with more bravado than sense slammed his palms on the counter.
“Listen here, NPC or not, we deserve some answers-” and on getting no response, he tapped his foot and raised his voice. “Hey! We’re talking to you!”
Mina just kept staring ahead.
The tank’s patience snapped faster than a Mercy respawn, and Alt watched him spin toward the glass, march up to the white room, and slammed a hand against it. “COME OUT HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU COWARD-”
Alt didn’t even know what they were asking for at that point.
He watched Mina eject all five of them on account of one idiot’s actions.
[Twitch Chat]
npc_karen: Sir! That is a display case!
cheap_aviators: aggro pull successful???
pixx_aria: HE GOT YEETED FOR HARASSING THE FURNITURE
ratmilk: man speedran ‘please leave the store’ any%
goblinresin: materialising outside mid-scream with no manga and no dignity is CRAZY
npc_karen: tank mains when taunt doesn’t work on women
bag_of_meat: meanwhile the other four are watching their queue slot evaporate in real time. I’d be so pissed.
...
A girl stepped up to the counter and said, “One chapter please... unless there’s a secret option?”
Mina handed over the chapter and said in a passive tone, “Secret options are currently locked. Please come back when you respect my time.”
The girl choked out a laugh despite herself. “Okay, yeah that’s fair.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: watch this become a motivational poster in Aincrad
ratmilk: ‘unless there’s a secret option?’ MA’AM THIS IS A CHECKOUT COUNTER NOT A DATING SIM
...
Another guy tried synonyms- “Single volume, please.”
A beat passed as he endured the Stare.
“One issue, please?”
Stare.exe continued working overtime.
Alt watched him let out a fake cough, embarrassed slightly.
“U-uh- one chapter please?”
Mina nodded. “Reading comprehension achieved.”
[Twitch Chat]
ratmilk: bro said ‘single volume’ like he’s ordering wine
pixx_aria: he tried thesaurusing the vending machine
tv.dinner: ‘Reading comprehension achieved’ is an achievement pop-up lmao
cheap_aviators: Mina handing out literacy like it’s a limited-time buff
npc_karen: Congrats sir, you unlocked- Basic Instructions (Rank E)
...
Alt’s interest was admittedly piqued by the latest batch of five- he heard one of them zone off about the bootlegging rule immediately on seeing it.
“Ok, Miss NPC-”
“Mrs.” Mina corrected him.
Alt visibly twitched.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: SHE JUST MARRIED THE EYE FOR TAX PURPOSES
ratmilk: she absolutely did that to get a reaction
tv.dinner: Kayaba live-edits bosses, Mina live-edits Alt.
cheap_aviators: the fact it WORKED is the funniest part
“Right.” the lead spokesperson for the group deadpanned. “Business question.”
Mina tilted her head. “Go on.”
“We’re... entrepreneurs,” He said. “If someone were to, say, buy the rest of the current stock- purely to simplify distribution- you understand- how many chapters are left?”
Mina processed that for a single beat and answered, “A hundred, roughly.”
The party of five traded glances with each other at that, before the leader nodded once. “A hundred. Great. We can get you the cor- if you uh, hold them for us?” He paused, “and if we’re clearing the lot, obviously there’d be a bulk discount?”
Mina stared at him for a long, silent moment, then she said, perfectly passive- “Discount is thirty thousand Cor.”
The whole party froze.
“...What?” Lead one managed
“Thirty k,” Mina repeated. “Up front for the remaining hundred copies.”
“T-that’s not a discount,” The girl in a pair of robes spluttered. “That’s more-”
“Mm,” Mina cut her off. “That’s the asshole tax.”
Alt bit his hand again.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ASSHOLE TAX ASSHOLE TAX ASSHOLE TAX
ratmilk: she smelled resellers and added VAT (Violent Asshole Tariff)
npc_karen: ‘simplify distribution’ my ass, they saw ‘500 print run’ and started drooling
eggmanreturns: She charged extra as a discount- this is criminal behaviour
npc_karen: Mina said ‘you’re not paying for manga, you’re paying for AUDACITY’
pixx_aria: Alt trying not to laugh is killing me because SAME
ratmilk: he’s gonna pop a pixel lung holding that in
“Asshole- excuse me?” He tried to pull a smile back into place and only managed a strained version. “We’d be doing you a favour. We buy the rest, your stock clears, your name spreads when we move it. Everybody wins.”
Mina tilted her head. “Everybody who?” she asked. “Because we’re already nearly sold out without you. Besides- it’s not like you can’t bootleg with one copy.”
“What’s the difference?” The same girl questioned. “If we buy one and copy it out or just buy the lot-”
[Twitch Chat]
goblinresin: They are pitching scalping like it’s community outreach
pixx_aria: ‘EVERYBODY WINS’ except everybody
ratmilk: Mina running a ‘piracy is fine, scalping is cringe’ policy
eggmanreturns: robes really said ‘if we’re criminals anyway why not be bigger criminals’
npc_karen: ‘what’s the difference’ between bootlegging and cornering supply??? BABE.
“Because then people get big-headed and start showing up to buy all of the stock on release- just to overcharge everyone they can.” A beat passed. “At least this way, five hundred- or as close to five hundred- make it to the players at base price.” Another beat passed. “That means at least some of the players- the ones that really care, don’t get extorted for happiness.”
The lead one frowned at that. “...You say that like the Eye isn’t already extorting people-” He narrowed his eyes. “I ain’t dumb, I know how much it actually costs to make a what- ten, fifteen page book?”
Mina titled her head at them. “Then go make it yourself.”
“...We obviously can’t- we don’t know how the Eye’s getting them in-”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: SHE’S DOING SUPPLY CHAIN ETHICS ON MAIN
ratmilk: she’s doing harm reduction piracy LMAO
goblinresin: the pawn mask is unionizing the consumer base
tv.dinner: Mina just became the patron saint of broke nerds
bag_of_meat: anyone who says ‘i ain’t dumb’ is about to do something historically stupid
pixx_aria: I LOVE THIS WOMAN.
ratmilk: she’s so tired she’s turned into pure spite
“Congratulations, you found the up-charge.” A beat passed as Mina crossed her arms. “And I was joking earlier, I wouldn’t even sell you a hundred for sixty thousand. House rules I am afraid.”
The girl scoffed at that. “Eye ain’t really good at business if that’s an actual rule-”
“Says the one begging for scraps.” A beat passed. “You know what? Fuck it, cost is five hundred cors per chapter to your party.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘SAYS THE ONE BEGGING FOR SCRAPS’ GODDAMN
ratmilk: Mina just swung a chair in a negotiation
cheap_aviators: she deadass more than doubled the price on a whim lmao
eggmanreturns: This is CINEMA your honor
Alt stared at the back of the girl’s pawn mask for that one.
Wow.
“...You really think pissing people off-”
Mina cut the leader off. “If you’re going to threaten me- reminder, between the two of us, I am sponsored by the Omniscient Eye.” She leaned forward and rested her arms against the counter. “Whose your sponsor?”
Apparently he was a gun now.
Neat.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: I WANNA MARRY HER SO BAD
ratmilk: She really just dropped an Aincrad gang sign LOL
goblinresin: they came for bulk pricing and got hit with existential fear
tv.dinner: monopoly with mood swings is something i absolutely respect
“Here’s the deal,” Mina eventually said. “You can buy exactly what’s available to everyone else. You can bootleg what you manage to get and pay the bootleg charge like a good little criminal. Or you can keep posturing and walk out with nothing.” She straightened. “Your call.”
Leader’s jaw worked and for a moment Alt thought he might try the glass-banging route and earn himself a speedrun to the street. But in the end, unfortunately for content, he relented. “...Fine,” he said. “...We can each get one right?”
Mina nodded.
Leader hesitated. “...At 200 cors each?”
“Apologise on behalf of brokies everywhere.”
“...Sorry.” The leader sighed with a slightly amused, albeit tired look.
“Then yes.” Mina nodded her head at them.
“...Out of curiosity...” The group leader continued as he, Alt figured, made the trade given the hand movements. “How’s the eye even keeping track of bootleggers?”
“That’s above my pay-grade.”
“...Right.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘YOUR CALL.’ BOSS MUSIC THATS ACTUAL BOSS MUSIC
ratmilk: choose your difficulty but it’s ethics
npc_karen: she’s so calm it’s actually terrifying
pixx_aria: ‘APOLOGISE ON BEHALF OF BROKIES EVERYWHERE’ I JUST SPIT WATER
cheap_aviators: he apologised like he’s paying a curse removal fee
pixx_aria: ‘HOW’S THE EYE EVEN KEEPING TRACK OF BOOTLEGGERS?’ BRO STILL TRYING TO MIN-MAX CRIME
ratmilk: he’s asking for the anti-cheat specs
...
By the time Mina ran out of stock to peddle, the npc they’d hired effectively going into it’s own idle animation at said lack of things to sell, her voice sounded hoarse.
It had taken almost twelve hours to finish up the five hundred copies, though most of that was more due to people constantly asking questions, taking too long to decide as well other issues.
All in all, not completely unexpected and frankly twelve hours, even if it was across his whole party, for a hundred thousand cors was criminal given the current economy. And that was ignoring the fact that going forward, Mina, let alone the rest of the party, wasn’t even going to really man the shop- it was going to be entirely run by the npc.
Outside, from what he could see, even after Mina had detailed the front of the shop with an out of stock sign, there were still mounds of people peeking through.
He let out a snort at the fact they were literally just waiting for them to come outside.
[Twitch Chat]
npc_karen: Still can’t believe they really chose manga over potions lmao
goblinresin: ‘first thing they did with floor 2 rent money was buy manga’ is the funniest indictment of Kayaba’s worldbuilding
pixx_aria: I legit thought it’d be like a close call on whether quota was hit- I did not see this shit selling out in a shift LOL
He focused back ahead and let out a sigh before opening up a pm to Argo, telling her how they were going to leave, and to tell the other two for him.
He followed it with instructions to Mina, to turn off all of the lights in the shop, take the mask off and teleport out.
He stared back outside for a moment and let out a snort.
Let ‘em yell at a closed door.
[Twitch Chat]
tv.dinner: man’s doing dramatic exits for safety lmao
pixx_aria: OH WE DOING MAGIC TRICKS NOW?
ratmilk: I am going to remove the caps lock button from your keyboard pixx- that definitely wasn’t yell worthy.
pixx_aria: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE RAT DONT @ ME
Alt saw the crowd jolt as the lights cut off inside the shop with a few surging forward and banging at the door, just as he cracked the teleport crystal.
...
They regrouped at the teleport gate like nothing had happened, no masks nor Elgar armor in view. They were, effectively just five idiots in a cluster, with one of them in a hood.
Alt stretched his hands out behind his head as they crossed into the main street- while his IRL cam showed Tablet Lady coming back from her... dinner(?) break, he wasn’t sure- it was hard to tell given she pretty much lived in his house.
And she wasn’t the only agent to do so, and if not live directly in the house, they were set up close by, given how often he tended to see the same agents pass by his room’s door at random hours of the day.
He was just happy all of them, at least the ones in direct, constant, contact with his mom and sister, were women.
It was just one less thing to concern himself with.
“Alt, the letter’s ready,” Tablet Lady’s voice shifted through.
He blinked at that in surprise.
That was quick.
It... can’t have been more than a day since he- He blinked once and dimly noted the wife had probably already been watching the stream and likely started on it as soon he asked for it.
Evidently when Mercy was on the table, families out there really didn't fuck around and waste time.
That was handy to know.
“...Good.” he eventually deadpanned and fixed his expression into a shit-eating grin- Tablet Lady caught his surprise all the same given the slight smile on her face. “I was starting to worry the postal system died with the rest of my morals.” He said to his party’s confusion.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: Agil WIFE LETTER ARC LET’S GOOOOOOOO
ratmilk: mail from beyond the paywall
npc_karen: somewhere out there, a woman wrote a heartfelt letter and I KNOW it’s about to be used for 4D manipulation somehow
eggmanreturns: this is the only stream where ‘we got a letter’ is ominous
He dismissed his party’s questions and steered them toward one of the NPC restaurants in the plaza.
Diavel was moving beside him like a man that was haunted. “I still can’t get over it,” he muttered. “A hundred thousand cors.” His lips thinned into a line before he continued. “We made so much more in a day, sitting on our asses, selling pirate manga than I did in a month, leading a frontline party.”
Argo cackled. “Welcome to the Mercy Mafia!”
[Twitch Chat]
cheap_aviators: imagine telling your future therapist that sentence with a straight face
tv.dinner: ‘i risked my life, the market said ‘nah, drawings sells better’’
eggmanreturns: data point- labour is worthless, IP worship persists even in death games
pixx_aria: Argo OUT HERE REPPING THE STREETS
ratmilk: I actually want ‘Mercy Mafia’ on a hoodie
goblinresin: protection racket but it’s literacy
tv.dinner: this party is three jokes away from getting sanctioned by like, god
“Save the existential crisis for later,” Alt snorted, “We’re going to have a nice, normal meal like a nice, normal group of allegedly immortal freaks.”
“...I am buying the most expensive thing on the menu.” Mina deadpanned as she walked up directly beside him, a tired grin on her face. “You owe me twelve hours worth of therapy- I counted.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: QUEEN TAX HIM
ratmilk: emotional damages billed in starters
cheap_aviators: ‘12 hours of therapy’ sounds lowball tbh- pretty sure the NPC-era added like 30 hours worth alone
goblinresin: she did the math AND the invoice- get you a partner that does both
“You’ll get your cut, don’t worry.” He sighed.
“I want you to return a hug.” Mina said, out loud.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: CHAT FOCUS UP THIS IS A LIVE LOVE CONFESSION FLAG
ratmilk: return her affection you coward
npc_karen: consent to cuddles or I am calling MomF4
tv.dinner: I did not sign upfor feelings, but I will absolutely support the free throw
goblinresin: 12 hours of therapy for 1 hug is honestly competitive pricing
“I’d rather give you all one hundred thousand cors.” He deadpanned back immediately.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: man chose stimulus package over snuggles i’m sick
ratmilk: congratulations king you’ve invented emotional wage theft
cheap_aviators: ‘keep the hug, here’s store credit’
tv.dinner: richest man in Aincrad, poorest man in hugs
bag_of_meat: mercy for the world, zero mercy for one girl’s heart
tv.dinner: man really said i fear therapy and hugs but not financial ruin
eggmanreturns: Ship status update- party lead more comfortable with a gold-digger over a cuddler. Disastrous balance patch.
...
The restaurant he’d settled on, thankfully was empty.
An apron-wearing NPC waddled over with the cheer of a bot who only knew three dialogue trees.
“Welcome,” it started.
Alt watched it about to continue running it’s mouth- “Skip, skip, skip- just get me a private booth- anywhere I can’t hear people's hopes and dreams.”
The npc gave him a long, strange, look for that. “...Of course.”
Argo jabbed him on the side. “Oi, you know the npc’s are like advanced right? They’re not just- They’re not all just like scripted?”
“What’s your point?”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: EVEN THE NPC IS JUDGING HIM LMAO
“If they don’t like you, some will leak shit about you.” A beat passed as Argo sighed. “I learnt that the hard way.”
“...Cap.” Alt deadpanned. “And even if it wasn’t, I am not talking to a chat bot- I can barely stand talking to regular people.”
[twitch chat]
pixx_aria: LEAK??? HELLO???
ratmilk: lore drop: Argo got CANCELLED by an npc
cheap_aviators: I NEEED the spin-off episode
npc_karen: somewhere there’s a bartender npc talking to reporters like ‘so about this rat girl...’
tv.dinner: bro is beefing with humans, npcs, AND god. equal-opportunity hating
The booth they got was one of the side rooms with a sliding door. He stared around on entering at the available seats around the large table and went for a corner spot.
The NPC closed the door behind them and Alt watched as a prompt appeared in his HUD that looked similar to the one he got whenever he rented out an inn room.
The others shuffled around the table.
Diavel took one side, Argo dropped opposite his tank, while Kirito hesitated for a beat before he slid in next to the former.
Mina didn’t hesitate at all- she took the spot between Alt and Argo, folded her legs under her, and then very deliberately leaned her head against his upper arm.
He glanced down at her. “...You good?”
“I’m collecting my cut,” Mina deadpanned.
Alt let out a sigh at that. “...Fine,” he muttered.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: HE JUST ACCEPTED. ZERO RESISTANCE.
npc_karen: folded faster than Diavel’s enhancement odds
ratmilk: Twelve hours of being the bouncer for the worst nightclub in Aincrad she deserves that arm
goblinresin: this is the most subtle cuddle we’re ever gonna get huh
Across the table, Diavel’s mouth twitched up into amusement, Argo snorted and shook her head, while Kirito didn’t give a fuck.
“...Kirito, you’re officially my favourite party member.”
“...Huh?” The boy blinked at him. “Why?”
“Exactly.” Alt deadpanned.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: Kirito’s really out here running airplane mode if it doesn’t involve him stabbing something
ratmilk: that boy has never cared about vibes in his life
npc_karen: of course Alt picked the one who doesn’t emotionally interact with him, of course he did
An NPC server popped the door open just enough to hand them menus.
“Alright, you guys order whatever the fuck you want- I got some IRL shit to deal with.” Alt sighed before focusing on the IRL cam, earning Tablet Lady’s attention in the process. “What’s the update on Shueisha?”
[Twitch Chat]
npc_karen: update on shueisha while ordering dinner is so unserious
tv.dinner: man is doing billion-yen meetings in between soup choices
“...Did you just say Shueisha?” Mina muttered into his arm as she tilted her head to stare up at him with doe-eyes.
“Stop staring at me like that or I take the arm away.”
She snorted at him and pretended to focus her attention on the menu, like the obviously just as interested rest.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: SHE HEARD ‘SHUEISHA’ AND WOKE UP FASTER THAN COFFEE
ratmilk: she’s gripping that arm like it’s a stock option
cheap_aviators: Alt threatening the emotional support limb because of eye-contact is so on brand
Tablet Lady as his focus turned back, straightened a little. “They’re still figuring out a good time for it,” she said. “Scheduling, internal approvals, all the usual fun.”
Alt nodded slowly. “Figured it’d be hard to get their CEO that easily,” he murmured.
The party collectively froze for half a second.
[Twitch Chat]
goblinresin: PARTY JUST REALISED HOW HIGH HE AIMED LOOOOL
tv.dinner: THE WHOLE TABLE LAGGING IRL
Tablet Lady smiled at that. “Actually,” she said, “their CEO cleared out the next few days.”
Alt blinked.
She continued, lips quirking slightly. “It’s you that’s difficult to get clearance for.”
[Twitch Chat]
cheap_aviators: OH.
goblinresin: THEY’RE SECURITY-CHECKING FOR THE GREMLIN LMAOOOO
ratmilk: man speedran from ‘NEET’ to ‘legacy media is waiting on my availability’ in a month
npc_karen: this is the worst possible proof of concept for influencer culture
For a beat, he just stared before he started laughing at the weirdness of it all.
Mina shifted her head against his arm to look up at him again. “...What?”
He shushed Mina for a moment- his gaze still set on the cam. “Sorry- hang on- what do you mean I am problem? I asked for the meeting.”
Tablet Lady just stared at him for a moment before she let out a sigh. “Alt... We can’t just put a major corporate executive into the single most sensitive live broadcast on the planet because you said ‘yeah, bring him to me.’ He has to clear multiple levels of security vetting first.”
He watched as she started ticking things off her fingers. “Background screening, information-security clearance, emergency-response protocol, media coordination, political oversight- There are a LOT of offices, that all want sign off if he’s going to appear on your stream, even for ten minutes.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: NOT HIM LAUGHING AT NATIONAL SECURITY LMAO
ratmilk: ‘what do you mean I am problem’ SIR. BE SERIOUS FOR ONE SECOND
bag_of_meat: new title: THE PROBLEM (streaming live)
cheap_aviators: ‘major corporate executive’ is such a funny way to say ‘man who owns goku’
pixx_aria: ceo: applies to guest star. gov ‘we’ll get back to you in 10-12 business background checks’
ratmilk: they’re listing clearances like he’s a nuclear reactor not a raccoon with a capture card
tv.dinner: ‘even for ten minutes’ is killing me like he’s gonna speedrun a diplomatic crisis in 9.5
goblinresin: they’re not vetting HIM they’re vetting if the ceo is tanky enough for chat aggro
Alt tilted his head at that. “Counter argument. I don’t have weeks to wait on this.”
Tablet Lady blinked at that.
“Look.” Alt sighed. “The manga shop has the next seven days left before I have to set whatever rules it’s going to effectively follow for the next who knows how long.” He paused for a beat. “I am not going to have time to change things on a whim later- meaning I might as well not have that meeting at all if it’s late and they wanted something to do with it.” He snorted. “And we both know that means you get a much bigger headache from Shueisha threatening a lawsuit, or whatever, every time I throw one of their chapters into the crisis.”
Tablet Lady processed that for a moment. “Why seven days?”
“That’s when the next chapter drops going to be- I need to keep it consistent and I need make sure that what ever is set in stone then, is what every player out there can count on been the case going forward.” He paused again. “I might be an asshole but even I wouldn’t be happy if new rules were dropped on me all of a sudden, after I already played ball and threw my cors down a drain.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘counter argument’ he says to NATIONAL SECURITY
ratmilk: man heard multiple agencies and responded ‘nah speedrun it’
cheap_aviators: he negotiates like a ranked player queue dodging
bag_of_meat: imagine telling the gov ‘sorry guys my comic stand has a content lock-in date’
tv.dinner: Alt weaponising OTHER people’s lawyers is peak endangered-gremlin behavior
ratmilk: THIS IS INSANE PRIORITISATION
tv.dinner: man is a war criminal with a customer satisfaction policy
Tablet Lady made to respond to that- but Alt continued ahead first, his voice quieter. “I need this shop to function, as well as it can, as soon as it can- it is literally going to be the backbone of this economy.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: oh Aincrad is so cooked
ratmilk: not him saying that in the same tone as ‘i need stable wifi’
npc_karen: somewhere a real economist just woke up in a cold sweat
tv.dinner: imagine learning fiscal policy from a guy named AltF4
There was a strange discomfort of sorts flowing through his party at that.
“I need to make as many cors as I can before the rabbit’s out the hat.” He paused. “there are so, and I don’t mean this lightly- so many ways people can get screwed out of even the basics- like today I found out that Kayaba coded in a real estate monopoly as an optional mechanic in the game.”
Tablet Lady blinked, visibly confused at that.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: tablet lady’s face is literally ‘what do you MEAN monopoly’
tv.dinner: this is the first she’s hearing about the simulated housing crisis lmao
“Did you know that, to hold an allotment- a space, for whatever you want to peddle, doesn’t have a minimum in terms of pixels used?” He frowned slightly at his wording. “I mean to say that I can hold an entire town’s worth of spaces indefinitely, by effectively renting out a single meter’s worth of space within each allotment, and pay the least amount possible- while making it impossible for someone else to rent it unless I let them? And make them pay me whatever I want for it?”
[Twitch Chat]
eggmanreturns: This man found the economic exploit before lunch. WTF
pixx_aria: wait so you can just rent 1 pixel and block a whole plot?? WHY DOES CAPITALISM FOLLOW YOU EVERYWHERE
ratmilk: man found the landlord DLC by accident
npc_karen: Kayaba coded a housing crisis simulator into the murder game huh
goblinresin: ‘make them pay me whatever i want’ HELLO VILLAIN ORIGIN STORY NUMBER THIRTY
He watched Tablet Lady’s eyes widen at that.
“I am not saying I am going to do that- I am not saying everyone's the kind to do it- for one no one else has the cors needed to hold an entire floor’s spaces hostage, but I know someone will atleast think about it." He took in a breath. "And it’s not even that difficult to come up with.” He paused again and let a frown fill his face. “I want to make sure, down the line, that I can effectively rent out every at risk spot that I can as soon it’s available, at it’s minimum and hold the spot until someone else wants to use it- and rent it out to them at it’s base value- exactly what they would’ve paid the npc themselves.” He took in and let out a needed breath. “The alternative is leaving it as a free market, until one asshole finds the loophole, gets enough cors for it- and then snowballs from one town to every floor between here and the exit. And I highly doubt they’ll charge others base value.”
[Twitch Chat]
bag_of_meat: ‘i’m not saying i’ll do it’ = i’ve already theorycrafted how
cheap_aviators: This is so funny coming from the manga mafia boss
goblinresin: Omniscient Eye, Merchant of Manga, Mercy Letting Agent
tv.dinner: ‘alternative is leaving it as a free market’ yeah that’s how every horror story starts
npc_karen: He’s actually like right tho?
ratmilk: Yeah, it’s basically ‘yes i am a landlord but in a GOOD way trust me’
pixx_aria: this is the only timeline where the ethical choice is to let the gremlin own the city
Argo was the first one to break. She’d gone still halfway through his little spiel. “...You realise,” she said slowly, “you just described becoming Aincrad’s entire zone commission.”
Alt glanced over. “Yeah?”
She squinted at him. “Not ‘a’ landlord. The landlord. The one every other parasite has to go through.”
He shrugged. “Better me than some crypto bro with a spear.”
[Twitch Chat]
ratmilk: he heard landlord and speedran to regulatory body
npc_karen: imagine escaping capitalism IRL just to get soft-locked by the MerCity council. Yes, yes, I'll see myself out.
pixx_aria: Lol that was cute, come back in
tv.dinner: this is what happens when you give a min-maxer urban planning tools
goblinresin: I'd follow a crypto bro if he had a spear.
Diavel let out a low, disbelieving whistle. “So the plan,” he said, “is to become a one-man council, so other assholes can’t?” He rubbed his temple. “That’s... moral hostage-taking.”
“Plan?” Alt said. “It wasn’t my plan at all- I was just messing around when I was building up the shop and it occurred to me how easy it’d be to pretty much take all the prime zones, for cheap, and then rent it out to people that don’t want to treck an hour to their supplies shop every time they teleport.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘i was just messing around’ SPEEDRUNS TO ECONOMIC TAKEOVER IN ONE SENTENCE
cheap_aviators: man treats systemic abuse like a shower thought
Diavel stared at him for a beat, then looked at Mina and Argo like he was checking if anyone else was hearing this. “Tell me I’m not the only one mildly terrified that he keeps coming up with things like this?” he muttered. “There were a thousand beta testers- I can guarantee not one of them stared at a map and was like ‘Huh looks a hell of a lot like Monopoly!’
Alt stared at Diavel for a moment. “Skill issue.”
He twitched at him for it.
[Twitch Chat]
ratmilk: bro logged in for fantasy mmo and got bullied by a finance goblin
cheap_aviators: mildly terrified is such an understatement
goblinresin: he really said no one else saw it and Alt called it a skill issue LMAOOOO
ratmilk: Diavel: ‘i fear god’ Alt: ‘have you tried getting good’
tv.dinner: somebody clip his face when ‘skill issue’ dropped i need that in the reaction pack
eggmanreturns: i support Diavel’s rights but also his wrongs, this is so funny
Kirito, who’d been quiet this whole time, was staring at the table, eyebrows drawn together. “...If you rent everything,” he said, “guilds won’t be able to put down bases without going through you.” His gaze flicked up. “If you mess up? Or disappear? Whole floors will stall.”
Alt met his stare, unfazed. “If I disappear, we’ve got bigger problems than empty lots.”
“That’s not comforting,” Kirito said flatly.
“Wasn’t trying to be.” He paused and focused back on Tablet Lady- “That’s the gist of it anyway- apparently Kayaba’s idea of ‘free-will’ stops at letting us log out but he’s very open to the idea of weaponising everything- you can’t even shove past people in a queue without the man’s system offering the shoved the option to send the offender to the Black Iron Palace.
[Twitch Chat]
ratmilk: ‘Kayaba’s idea of free will stops at log out’ bar so low it’s in the patch notes
cheap_aviators: can’t shove in a queue without risking PRISON is actually insane game design
goblinresin: Kayaba watching all this like ‘yes. suffer. but orderly.’
“...Be that as it may Alt- that’s not...” She sighed. “Your concerns- at least regarding the shop itself won’t be taken seriously enou-”
“Be honest babes-” He started, deadpan.
Tablet Lady visibly blinked at that.
“-what the fuck is the CEO of Shuiesha going to do that’s a concern compared to what I can say on accident- ‘cos his identity obviously isn’t in question?”
He leaned back and annoyed his already annoyed and evidently jealous, arm-leaner.
“He’s not some brain dead intern- and he’s certainly not an idiot, ‘cos if he was, the first thing he would’ve done, the moment I breathed near One Piece, was throw a lawsuit at my face.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: Alt PLEASE THATS YOUR HANDLER
ratmilk: Man really procced an IRL debuff
cheap_aviators: flirting with his handler in front of the Diet is CRAZY behavior
npc_karen: ‘what’s the CEO gonna do vs what I can say on accident’ OH NO HE’S SELF AWARE
cheap_aviators: man said ‘the real threat is me opening my mouth unsupervised’ AND HE HAS RECEIPTS FOR IT
Tablet Lady let out a long sigh. “it sets a bad precedent Alt,” She paused for a moment. “It sets a really bad precedent if we just wave someone through like that.”
“The precedent that get’s set is me telling you, I need to see them soon.” He crossed his arms- and Mina thankfully stopped leaning into it as he sighed out loud. “It’s not a case of how much money you got, it’s not a matter of influence- I could give less of a fuck about manga to begin with- it’s a matter off ‘Hey there, congrats, the Eye wants to talk to you, give us your ID, prove it’s you, you’re in this afternoon.” He let the words fill the room. “By all means, feel free to triple the clearances on everyone else ‘til I get a reason to meet ‘em.”
[Twitch Chat]
npc_karen: she’s trying so hard to be the adult and he keeps speedrunning policy
ratmilk: ‘the precedent is me telling you’ pixx will never find a man that has this level of audacity
pixx_aria: That’s a low blow rat, hit me right in the manifestation
eggmanreturns: man said I am the constitution now
tv.dinner: ‘could give less of a fuck about manga’ SIR YOUR WHOLE ECONOMY IS MANGA
bag_of_meat: I REMEMBER THE ONE PIECE QUOTE YOU LIAR
The woman let out a long sigh at that. “...I’ll see what I can do.”
“Tell ‘em the SAO victims familys collective sanity’s on the line.” Alt deadpanned.
[Twitch Chat]
ratmilk: ‘i’ll see what i can do’ = ‘i’m going to fight twelve committees and hate all of them’
cheap_aviators: that’s the sound of three ministries logging into a group chat
pixx_aria: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS HE PLANNING???
ratmilk: he did NOT just threaten the hostage’s families as a bargaining chip
goblinresin: man’s dialogue options have no filter
She gave him a very, very, confused look at that. “What?”
He raised and shook his finger into a no with a shit-eating grin. “Uh, uh, get me the CEO first- until then no spoilers.”
Tablet Lady stared at him for a long quiet moment at that. “Reminder... I am your government handler, do refrain from...” He watched her really consider her words for a moment. “Nevermind.” She sighed, not willing to give him a button to push. “You are a headache sometimes, Alt.”
He listened to the intrusive thought in his head for that one. “...Sorry, physically can’t help you with your headache right now but-”
“Stop.” She cut him off while visibly holding back her budding amusement. “Just- stop, I’ll try and get you your precedent.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘get me the CEO first no spoilers’ HE THINKS THIS IS MOVIE NIGHT
ratmilk: holding plot hostage from THE GOVERNMENT is wild behaviour
ratmilk: girl that is a BRAIN TUMOR, not a headache
tv.dinner: SIR WHERE WERE YOU GOING WITH THAT FIX??
pixx_aria: ‘stop. just- stop.’ SAY IT TO ME I HAVE ALL THE HEADACHES
ratmilk: jesus pixx
goblinresin: you can’t keep saying things that sound illegal in three different ways
ratmilk: Alt or pixx lmao??
goblinresin: both at this point.
He grinned at that- both Tablet Lady and chat.
“..I have a headache.” Mina deadpanned beside him, her expression not remotely amused.
“No you don’t- we’re all hooked up to state of the art medicine- I highly doubt we can get headaches.” Alt snorted.
[Twitch Chat]
ratmilk: She really just submitted a ticket for support LOL
cheap_aviators: tablet lady got the coupon, mina wants the appointment
npc_karen: this is workplace harassment and i’m absolutely watching
pixx_aria: GASLIGHTING THE SICK WIFE LIVE??
ratmilk: ‘actually medically you’re fine’ sir that’s not what she asked for
cheap_aviators: translation: the science says i don’t have to cuddle you
“...Do you have any idea, how much paperwork you’ve thrown into my lap with a few words Alt?” Tablet Lady asked, slightly amused, as she leaned into the chair next to his real body’s.
“Consider it job-security.” He grinned. “If I didn’t like you, this stream would’ve been a PR dumpster fire.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: THIS MANS RIZZ NEEDS TO BE STUDIED
ratmilk: this man really said that he’s still got the gloves ON??? With a smile on his face?
cheap_aviators: PR DUMPSTER FIRE??? BRO IT IS ONE ALREADY
npc_karen: my brother in christ you invent a new crisis every time you open your mouth- WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING BACK??
Mina let out a very loud sigh at that and, with a pout of all things, dug into the food that finally arrived.
...
Alt watched the spoon in Diavel’s hand rise towards his mouth.
Perfect.
“So,” he started up, “what’s the situation on us meeting the diversity quota, D?”
Diavel inhaled soup and air at the same time.
It went about as well as his enhancement session.
He lurched forward, hacking, one hand braced on the table, the other grabbing for a napkin. Mina jumped. Kirito jerked like someone had swung for his hitbox. Argo ignored it and kept eating.
On the IRL cam, Tablet Lady closed her eyes.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: Alt PLEAASE I CANT KEEP DEFENDING YOU
ratmilk: man couldn’t even get the spoon to his mouth before the racism hitscan
cheap_aviators: somewhere a government lawyer just woke up with chest pains
npc_karen: i will personally unionise Diavel and Agil’s future legal team
Diavel finally got the coughs under control. “PR is going to kill me,” he rasped. “Actually kill me. I am going to survive Kayaba and die to a press conference.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: he’s not wrong
ratmilk: imagine the headline: ‘frontliner survives Elgar, loses to apology tour’
He watched as Diavel straightened up, forced his expression back into a passive one and cleared his throat. “...I’ve thought up a decent approach,” he said. “For Agil.” He emphasised the fuck out of the man’s name.
Alt raised an eyebrow. “Go on, Mr Future Statement From The Ministry.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: MR FUTURE STATEMENT IM SCREAMING
ratmilk: man demoted him to bullet point 4 on the press release
Diavel ignored that. “Agil’s got a shop in Floor One. I go there under the radar in normal gear and leave a pointed note signed with my name on his counter with a time and place to meet,” His eyes flicked up to meet his own. “If he thinks I survived the boss, it should be enough bait to pull him in.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: this man wrote a spy thriller for a coffee date
ratmilk: ‘pointed note’ = ‘pls meet me behind the gym, don’t tell teacher’
Alt stared at him for a beat. “...Or,” he deadpanned, “you can just PM him.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: HAHAHAHAHAHA
ratmilk: I kinda wanted the spy thriller tho??
npc_karen: ‘have you tried... messaging him on the messaging system’
Diavel just looked at him and he could see the exact moment the neuron fired. A slow, miserable “...oh,” slipped out. “...right.”
Alt tilted his head. “Did the enhancement RNG eat your brain cells too, or is this your factory settings?”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: That was SO uncalled for LMAOO
ratmilk: You actually can’t give this man an opening on anything
Diavel twitched at him.
Next to RNG’s beatstick, RNG’s favourite frowned. “Enhancement RNG?” Kirito repeated. “...Was it bad for you too?”
[Twitch Chat]
npc_karen: ah yes, the 'shared' level of trauma topic
tv.dinner: I swear the comedy actually writes itself
cheap_aviators: ‘was it bad for you too” bro you are running a +18 you don’t get to ask that
goblinresin: man wants emotional solidarity AND his god sword
Argo snorted into her drink, not even bothering to hide it.
Diavel latched onto the fake lifeline Kirito gave him. “How bad was it for you?” he asked, a strange tone to his voice.
Kirito scratched his cheek, looking faintly sheepish. “Most of my armor’s still zero,” he said. “My boots are +7, though.”
Diavel’s eyes sparkled at that.
“And I pushed my weapon to +18,” Kirito added, like it was an afterthought.
The spark died.
Diavel stared at him with the empty, shell-shocked look of a guy redoing the math on his life choices. “...I hope you never hit +20,” he said at last.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: LMAOOO
ratmilk: this is the first truly holy prayer we’ve heard on this channel
tv.dinner: man saw the damage numbers and invoked divine justice
Kirito blinked, offended. “Huh? What did I do?”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: KING YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID
ratmilk: you breathed near a +18, that’s enough
npc_karen: exhibit A: your sword. exhibit B: his cor account.
“Succeed,” Argo deadpanned, not even looking up from her bowl. “Diavel spent over twenty thousand to hit +5 on armor and +4 on his weapon.”
Kirito’s mouth thinned to a line. “...Huh.”
Alt watched the boy’s face turn... inquisitive as he stared at Diavel.
“...At the rate you’re going, you won’t hit +12 for like weeks-” Alt snorted at the utterly sincere look on the boy’s face as he said that. “-so... can I use the horn mats you got from Elgar?”
Diavel mechanically turned his head towards Kirito at that and just stared at him like he’d kicked his dog in front of him.
“...I am just saying, like- you’ll get more later...”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘can i use your coupons’ I’M SCREAMINGGGG
ratmilk: Kirito really pulled a ‘you are a sunk cost, i am not’ with a straight face
cheap_aviators: HE DID NOT EVEN PRETEND TO BE POLITE LMAOOO
tv.dinner: man saw a drowning victim and asked for their life jacket
pixx_aria: Diavel’S FACE
ratmilk: that’s the expression of a man considering friendly fire
Alt let them sit in that for a moment, then flicked his spoon against his bowl like a gavel.
“Anyway,” he said. “Message Agil- don’t hand-deliver your own resurrection like it’s a romance subplot.”
Diavel slowly turned back to him and muttered something that sounded a lot like ‘I hate this job,’ and very carefully took his next spoonful of soup without choking. The man had just about recovered his dignity only to start twitching his fingers in the air.
Alt immediately frowned at that. “Stop that.”
Diavel froze, one hand mid-gesture. “...What?”
Alt squinted at him, with disbelief. “You’re messaging him right now, aren’t you?” He watched confusion fill his face, and personally, felt his hope for the future die a little.
“...Yes? You just told me to?”
Alt opened his mouth and rapidly closed it. Opened it again- waited a beat and then let out a sigh. “Okay. Right. Sure.” He dragged a hand down his face. “I’ll do it. I’ll get Agil myself- don’t- just focus on eating, and sleep off whatever you’re going through right now.”
Diavel frowned. “What’d I do-”
“Why the fuck would you message him now?” Alt questioned with a disbelieving look. “We are eating.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: NOT HIM SLIDING INTO DMS MID-SOUP
ratmilk: I woulda crashed out ngl
cheap_aviators: business hours are NOT during trauma lunch
npc_karen: as a representative of basic boundaries- i too object
Diavel gestured helplessly with his spoon. “...You said-”
“I said ‘PM him,’ not ‘PM him while you’re emotionally concussed in a restaurant.’” Alt deadpanned. He pinched the bridge of his nose and turned to the rest of the party, sweeping them with a look that screamed collective punishment. “From now on, mandatory sleeping for all of you before any big decisions.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: MANDATORY NAP TIME FROM THE WAR CRIMINAL LMFAOOOO
ratmilk: daycare of mercy- juice boxes, PTSD, lights out at 9
npc_karen: honestly? legally sound, do not let these people make decisions sleep deprived.
tv.dinner: Alt inventing union-mandated rest but only so they stop freelancing his manipulations
Mina huffed a laugh beside him. “So we’re grounded?”
“Yes- and you,” Alt said turning to her, “are specifically banned from ‘u up?’ spam until further notice.” A beat passed. “I counted- you sent me forty seven this morning.”
Her cheeks went slightly pink at that.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: NOT THE TARGETED POLICY UPDATE
ratmilk: anti thirst patch 1.01
cheap_aviators: she 100% deserves that but i still feel attacked on her behalf
npc_karen: HR APPROVES THIS ONE ACTUALLY
Across from them, Kirito stared into his bowl like it might offer a loophole.
Argo just took another mouthful of food. “Honestly?” she muttered. “About time someone child-locked the frontliners.”
He gave it a thought or two before shrugging and deciding he might as well just deal with it now- he turned his focus towards the IRL cam- “Oi, blare out the hostage’s love letter on screen.” He took a mouthful of tasty pixels. “I am dealing with the recruitment right after everyone’s done stuffing their faces.” He shifted his gaze slightly towards Diavel. “You’re taking me to the shop.”
“...Yeah, yeah alright.” The man sighed.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: OH WE’RE CRACKING OPEN THE WIFE LORE LIVE???
ratmilk: ‘blare her feelings in 4K’ sir this is a hostage crisis not a reaction channel
cheap_aviators: man treats emotional correspondence like a new trailer drop
npc_karen: Alt’s ability to weaponise basic speech is actually aspirational. Man has a doctorate in saying it in the worst way possible.
Tablet Lady’s mouth tightened. “Could you maybe... use better language when referring to a woman’s letter to her comatose husband?”
Alt raised an eyebrow. “Sure. I can call it ‘trauma porn’ instead if you prefer?”
There was a tiny, visible flinch on her side of the screen, and from his side- a muttered swear word from Argo and a thousand yard stare from Diavel.
“...The first version was fine,” she said quickly. “Putting it up now.”
[Twitch Chat]
goblinresin: TABLET LADY KNOWS WHEN TO FOLD LMAO
tv.dinner: imagine HR having to negotiate phrasing with this man in two realities
eggmanreturns: ‘blare it’ vs ‘trauma porn’ is the worst bargaining position i’ve ever seen
npc_karen: I have no words.
pixx_aria: ...That’s what the subreddit’s going to call the letter isn’t it?
ratmilk: considering one of the most popular tags is ‘tragically fuckable’ yeah, I wouldn’t put ‘em past it
cheap_aviators: I’ll nuke it later
He stared at the letter- and dimly decided not even to really bother reading it himself.
It wasn’t meant for him, it sure as shit wasn’t his place to process.
He turned towards Mina and asked for an Elgar pamphlet, earning a confused blink from the girl.
“The pamphlet.” He twitched his fingers. “Warning label- boss from hell. Hand over one of basic ones- not the one with the cover you made.”
She dug into her inventory, still confused, and slid him an Elgar warning.
Alt flipped it over to the blank side and started copying down the contents of the letter with the Artist skill.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: HE’S WRITING IT ON A BOSS WARNING FLIER I’M SCREAMING
ratmilk: front ‘you will die horribly’ back ‘dear husband i miss you’
cheap_aviators: this is insane PR, blackmail, and love letter courier service in one sheet of paper
npc_karen: reduce, reuse, recycle, emotionally devastate
Mina tilted her head, watching the strokes appear.
Across from him, Kirito questioned, bemused. “Are you... taking notes on dinner?” Because he couldn’t fathom the real reason.
Alt did not look up. “Repurposing waste.”
Mina leaned closer to the pamphlet. Her face went still. “...Is that-”
“Yup,” Alt said, not bothering to hide it.
Argo stopped pretending not to look and outright craned her neck. “You’re putting his wife’s feelings,” She said slowly, “on the back of a field boss death warning.”
Alt kept writing. “Business card on the front, therapy on the back.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: Wow. Just, wow.
ratmilk: ‘every time you re-read your wife’s love, you also remember my god run’ is INSANE framing
cheap_aviators: emotional hostage letter on the back of a sponsored wipe warning
tv.dinner: therapist: ‘and when did you first associate affection with raid clears?’ Agil: ‘funny story actually’
goblinresin: Agil’s gonna flip it over like a yugioh trap card and see his wife’s soul
Tablet Lady, in the corner of his HUD, had a hand to her forehead, an utterly done expression on her face.
He finished the last line, added a quick note in the corner in his own messy scrawl- ‘Hand-delivered by the Eye. Don’t stab the messenger.’ Before he tucked it into his inventory.
Mina watched it disappear, then glanced up at him. “That’s...” She shook her head once. “You are absolutely fucked up.”
Alt stared at her. “You still want that hug?”
“Yes.” She answered, immediately.
He gave her a long stare.
“That is a separate issue.” She crossed her arms.
Diavel finally found his voice. “You’re going to walk into his shop,” he said, carefully, “and hand him a letter from his wife... printed on the back of a document that talks about death.’”
“Yeah, it’s branding for the Mercy Mafia.”
“...I am not touching your thought process with a ten-foot pole anymore.” Diavel deadpanned.
Argo just let out a shrug. “Eh, I mean Agil can just copy it out to something less... Alt-brained.”
He snorted at that.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: TABLET LADY HIT THE ‘I QUIT’ POSE
ratmilk: she’s one Alt-sentence away from a medical leave
goblinresin: bro signed it like a limited-edition war crime
tv.dinner: this man said ‘+15 corruption, still cuddle?’
pixx_aria: ‘that is a separate issue’ SHE’S SO REAL FOR THAT
goblinresin: ‘branding for the mercy mafia’ you are NOT helping your case
cheap_aviators: he’s gonna keep saying it until it has a wikipedia page
ratmilk: ‘not touching your thought process with a ten-foot pole’ brother you are LIVING IN IT
...
“What time does Agil usually close up shop?” Alt idly asked after the Elgar sponsored love letter dramatics petered off into food noises.
Kirito was the one to answer that one- “...Usually one or two am?” He added a slight shrug. “Depends on how busy the mornings with the frontlines are- he splits his time between the shop and helping out the front lines where he can.”
[Twitch Chat]
npc_karen: Agil out here doing two jobs with zero drama
goblinresin: ‘Frontline by day, shop by night’ he’s the only functioning adult in this crisis
He hummed at that. “He’s a real working man huh.”
Kirito nodded.
“Couldn’t be me.” Alt deadpanned. “But-” He stared at the current time it was- “...that gives us three or four hours to get there.” He nodded slowly, mostly to himself. “I think...” He tilted his head slightly in thought before he turned towards Argo. “The Elgar Heart Fragment merchant thing- that shows up at midnight right?”
"Yeah- it'll be around for about an hour I believe."
He clapped his hands at that earning a jolt of surprise from Mina. “Okay, that settles it, I’ll drop the postcard at Agil's after we’re done here and get some armor to enhance.”
Diavel visibly flinched at that. “Good luck.” A beat passed. “Depending on how many times you fail the forty percent, should give you a pretty good idea of how well it’ll go.” He added, deadpan.
Alt frowned at that. “Forty percent?”
“It’s the first enhancement.” Diavel clarified. “Every success from there, pushes it down by two percent.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘good luck’ nah that’s the RNG funeral tone
ratmilk: forty percent opener is actually disrespectful
cheap_aviators: TWO PERCENT LOSS PER SUCCESS EXCUSE ME???
eggmanreturns: that’s not a curve that’s a staircase into poverty
“Oh!” Kirito jumped in. “The cap it hits is five percent- It doesn’t go any lower then that. Thankfully.”
“That’s actually helpful info, Kirito,” Argo deadpanned. “I am so lucky I don’t have to pay you for it.” She grinned at the other, earning a pair of rolled eyes.
[Twitch Chat]
cheap_aviators: imagine saying ‘thankfully’ about a 1-in-20 coinflip
tv.dinner: Kirito talks like someone who’s already gambled his lifespan away
goblinresin: ‘good news guys, the firing squad at EARLY GAME only misses 19/20 times’
Alt processed that, confused.
He had a +1 sword already- he’d tested the system itself, when he was going through the systems in the game a couple of weeks back, mostly for documenting purposes.
He didn’t remember it been that low- or he would’ve commented on it...
“Is the enhancement rate the same for everything or is raid gear special?”
That earned him a blank look. “Uh, same for everything, why?” Argo answered.
“Hold that thought.” He deadpanned and turned towards the IRL cam. “Tablet Lady, can you bring up the enhancement test? I think it was on day... eighteen’s vod collection?” He frowned, not entirely sure.
[Twitch Chat]
goblinresin: if this ends with ‘hey why is mine different’ i’m uninstalling reality
The woman blinked at that and slowly put down whatever she was drinking. “I’ll send it through.”
He watched her actually use her tablet.
He focused back on the others.
“...Isn’t it a little late to be asking for things?” Diavel questioned, slightly amused.
“Not really, whatever departments are on my case have rotating shifts- so I always have someone available, if I ever need anything on their end.” A beat passed. “They’ll be happy for the change of pace- beats scouring through shitty rotation guides from idiots that couldn’t even be bothered to wait for a skills list.” He snorted.
[Twitch Chat]
npc_karen: imagine thinking there’s a NORMAL time to ask favors when you’re a war asset
bag_of_meat: somewhere there’s a guy whose literal job is ‘watch the gremlin’
ratmilk: government analyst: closes 40 youtube tabs ‘yay, side quest from the gremlin’
“Rotating shifts.” Kirito repeated with visible disbelief. “...Just how much money is actually going into you-”
“Couldn’t tell you- but my taxes probably pay for it.” He shrugged.
“Do you have another Tablet Lady?” Mina questioned thinly. “That... you know rotates shifts?”
“Nope. Tablet Lady basically sleeps when I sleep in game- as far I know.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: SHE’S SCOUTING FOR MORE COMPETITION
cheap_aviators: ‘another tablet lady’ as if one wasn’t exhausted enough
tv.dinner: imagine job posting- ‘position: backup baby-sitter for chaos streamer’
ratmilk: canon- if Alt pulls an all-nighter, so does one public servant
Said woman nodded at him through the cam.
“...That... can’t be healthy.” Argo shook her head.
Mina just processed that in silence.
“Probably not but the overtime’s worth it from what I’ve heard.” Alt idly tapped the table.
Tablet Lady gave him a thumbs down at that- he chuckled in response.
[Twitch Chat]
cheapt_aviators: Mina has that look of ‘one day I’m gonna have to fight the government for custody of this man’
ratmilk: overtime?? she deserves stock options and a new spine
pixx_aria: LMAO SHE DENIED THE PAY BUFF IN REAL TIME
npc_karen: that’s the ‘shut up, you are not worth the paperwork’ thumb
“Anyway, while that’s coming through-” He focused back on the beta testers. “Paint me another picture. Start at ‘new floor opens,’ end at ‘boss corpse.’ How does it actually work?”
Three sets of eyes blinked at him.
Argo tilted her head, amused. “You’re asking for a lecture?”
“I’m asking,” Alt said, “how we avoid relying on one suicidal beater with a gambling addiction to clear a murder tower.” He flicked his gaze between the three testers and started ticking things of his fingers. “So, floors, labyrinths, entrances, bosses, teach the Mercy hostage.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: OHHHH WE’RE GETTING THE PROG DOC
ratmilk: FLOOR THEORY LORE DROP LET’S GOOOO
goblinresin: FINALLY. LABYRINTH MECHANICS IN 1080P
npc_karen: ‘teach the mercy hostage’ is a sentence and a half
The three beta’s shared a look at that and, to Alt’s surprise, turned relieved at the topic itself.
“Okay,” Diavel started, a tad excited. “Basics first- every floor’s built similarly. You’ve got the teleport gate plaza where you arrive. That’s always in the main settlement- the ‘frontline town’ for that floor. From there, roads lead out into field zones- forests, plains- pretty much whatever theme of the month Kayaba felt like when he designed 'em. And somewhere in those zones is the labyrinth entrance.”
“Hmmm, so it’s at least consistent.” He muttered at that as he leaned back into his seat. “Good to know.”
Diavel continued. “First priority when a floor opens is to create a safe corridor from the first town to the next. That means scouts run the main roads, clear trash mobs, mark spawn points and times and make unofficial maps that’s passed around, and-” he thumbed toward Argo “-she and others like her consolidate all that into actual official maps.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: why do they look RELIEVED he asked for homework
cheap_aviators: imagine being so stressed about Alt-things that explaining dungeon layouts is self-care
tv.dinner: teleport gate > roads > murder forest > oops labyrinth, got it
eggmanreturns: shoutout to the scout mains risking it so we can have sidewalks
ratmilk: unpaid interns of Aincrad- cartography division
Argo gave him a peace sign at that, “I sell those maps for cheap after, at basically the price of the paper it costs to make.”
Alt nodded slowly as he processed each word. “And the labyrinth itself. How do you find the front door? Beta memory? Blind panic? Animal instincts?”
“Combo,” Argo started on that one. “In the beta, labyrinth entrances had pretty basic patterns. We generally look at the most obvious first, before delving down weird rocks, landmarks etc,” She flicked her gaze to him. “For Floor One, we remembered the general direction but Kayaba nudged things for launch which is what made it take so long.”
Kirito nodded slowly at that point. “Layout was... basically eighty percent the same- we just... kind of fixated on where it was in the beta which didn’t help.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: personally i vote blind panic speedrun
npc_karen: imagine spiralling for a week because some engineer dragged the entrance in unity
bag_of_meat: Argo 'we use landmarks', Kayaba moves the landmarks
ratmilk: peak gamer behaviour- refuse to adapt, die mad about it
eggmanreturns: Kayaba watching them head to the wrong hill for the 40th time like ‘let go of the walkthrough, touch grass’
Argo nodded, visibly annoyed herself at that. “Once we have a heading, we usually split into search parties. You carve the fields on the maps we got into sectors, assign each party a slice, and start walking and flag anything that looks like it might hide a staircase, a cave, a ruin- labyrinth entrances are never just a hole in the ground.” She paused for a beat. “They tend to stand out- real big on the ‘you’re leaving relative safety now’ energy.”
Alt hummed at that. “Okay, you find the front door to hell. Then what?”
“Then the grind starts,” Argo sighed, “Labyrinths are multi-floor mazes. You need two things-" She raised two fingers for emphasis, "-to get through them. A path to the staircases, and safe spots you can retreat to if things go sideways.”
She took in a breath, crossed her arms and leaned back into her seat.
“Standard method in the beta was- pick a main route and clear it as far up as possible while the branches off that route get explored later, but you always keep one route as safe as possible, just in case the labyrinth throws something unexpected at your face.” She paused take a breath- “And that’s where the real problem starts- figuring out the safety rotation.”
[Twitch Chat]
tv.dinner: front door to hell but make it ‘thematically appropriate’
pixx_aria: ‘multi-floor maze’ cool so hell but with stairs
ratmilk: safe spots = the places you sit in a circle and ask yourself why you bought the game
cheap_aviators: ‘one main route as safe as possible’ aka the hallway everyone swears they’ll stick to and then doesn’t
He raised an eyebrow at that.
“Yeah,” Diavel sighed. “Pretty much, you don’t want every corridor sitting idle long enough that red mobs respawn everywhere so a few parties run patrol on them from lower levels up to the last unlocked level, while others handle escort duties for crafters or supply runs. The third- the assault party- what used to be my job- focuses on pushing deeper into the labyrinth itself and finding the boss door.”
[Twitch Chat]
goblinresin: THIS IS SO MUCH MORE ORGANISED THAN I EXPECTED LMAO
ratmilk: Aincrad frontline- unionised tour guides with swords
pixx_aria: HEARING ALL THIS THEN THINKING ABOUT MERCY STRATS IS ACTUALLY ILLEGAL
cheap_aviators: Kayaba ‘labyrinth as endurance test’ Alt ‘what if we patch in continues’
“Right-” He didn’t need to note all of that down, that’s what the vod was for. “Boss door itself- how obvious are we talking? Big ominous gate? Neon sign that says ‘raid wipe this way’? The last raid party's corpses- wait, no, we turn into pixels on death.”
“...Pretty much the first one,” Argo shrugged after a moment. “Kayaba likes his drama.” She paused. “And well, after all of that, you get the Tolbana meeting where the frontline figures out who to send in first.” Another pause came out of the Rat. “...As far as the boss itself goes? Across the floor itself, there’s questlines that generally reveal more and more of what the boss itself is likely to do- usually you’ll find them in the last town before the labyrinth entrance itself- and we try to clear out- ideally all of them- to get as good of a picture as possible.” She paused to take in another needed breath. “At that point any variations that happen from what the main guide/hints say on the boss, is a sign that everyone should teleport out.” A beat passed. “And as long as you’re not Diavel whose willing to ignore a whole ass different weapon spawning in the bosses hand, you’ll get a zero-casualty clear.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: questlines as boss tutorials is so evil actually. ‘do the lore or die’ design
ratmilk: If you speedrun past NPCs you speedrun to the morgue
cheap_aviators: imagine wiping bc some guy mashed through dialogue and skipped the hint cutscene
npc_karen: Not gonna lie, it sounds like safety-compliant raiding tbh
tv.dinner: LIVE FOOTAGE: boss sneezes slightly different and 100 dudes crystal out
goblinresin: ignoring a whole ass different weapon is certified CRAZY behavior
ratmilk: man saw a new phase 2 and read it as a optional mechanic
“...You didn’t have to do that.” Diavel twitched at the girl.
“...No, no, she did- I was there- I yelled that it was a different weapon- you didn’t listen.” Kirito pointed out. “You really wanted that last hit bonus.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: ‘you didn’t have to’ YES SHE DID KING YOUR AWARENESS IS -3
ratmilk: Kirito CAME OUT SWINGING LMAOOOO
cheap_aviators: imagine getting third-partied by your own dps
tv.dinner: man died chasing influencer loot, film at 11
“He respawned in my shop mad about it too.” Alt deadpanned.
“I...” Diavel paused. “...Okay maybe a little peeved.” He crossed his arms. “I wasn’t mad alright?”
Chat didn’t agree judging by the laugh emojis and copium comments.
Mina on the other hand started poking him in the arm with a finger.
He turned to stare at her. “...Yes?”
“Hm? Nothing I am just bored- keep talking... about whatever it is you’re all talking about, don’t mind me.” She hummed.
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: MOOOOOOD
ratmilk: That’s code for ‘pay attention to me’
npc_karen: emotional support gremlin requires enrichment or she’ll start biting customers
“...Right.” He coughed and focused back on the other amused three. “Okay, so at least there’s a bit of a functioning system in place.” He idly tapped at his chin and made to ask if the Beta’s remembered anything about this floor aside from Elgar, only for Tablet Lady’s voice to cut through.
“Found the clip, Alt, I can put it through whenever.”
He blinked at that and deadpanned- “Hold my thought,” before he turned his focus towards the cam. “Play it through.”
Tablet Lady didn’t miss a beat as he watched his IRL cam get replaced by- he stiffened immediately at the bloody still image of the video that popped up- just as his chat rapidly lost it’s shit with him.
He started chuckling at that as he watched the video play through. “Oh- Oh Kayaba you didn’t.”
“...Uh... what’s-”
He cut Argo off with a grin. “Quick question everyone- the Beta enhancement rates, did they happen to start at 80% and lower by 1% with every success?”
Argo’s gaze rapidly narrowed at him, Diavel blinked in surprise while Kirito tilted his head, his expression turning warier by the second.
“...How do you-”
He cut her off again, his smile wider. “I am watching a video of myself enhancing my first sword as test.”
“Holy shit...” Mina whispered beside him. “You can watch anime on your HUD cam!”
He ignored that and focused on the beta’s. “I’ve got beta rates.”
[Twitch Chat]
npc_karen: ‘hold my thought’ there goes any hope of a normal conversation
cheap_aviators: you can HEAR Argo’s trust issues loading
pixx_aria: MINA BABE HE’S BEEN ABLE TO WATCH ANIME THIS WHOLE TIME AND CHOSE NOT TO
ratmilk: ‘you can watch anime on your HUD cam’ is the most Mina sentence on god
pixx_aria: ‘i’ve got beta rates’ YEP THERE IT IS YOUR HONOUR THERE’S ANOTHER CRIME
cheap_aviators: Diavel seeing his cors flash before his eyes again
Argo leaned in, eyes narrowing on him like he’d just confessed to something worse. “...You’re telling me,” she said, very slowly, “while the rest of us were smashing our gear with a prayer and a dream... you were sitting on training wheels... and you didn’t notice?”
Alt opened his mouth, then shut it again. “In my defence,” he tried, “I don’t read.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: LMAO SHE CALLED HIM A BABY
ratmilk: bro’s been on easy mode and just didn’t NOTICE
cheap_aviators: THAT IS NOT THE DEFENCE YOU THINK IT IS
Argo just stared at him. “You read enough to write bootlegging tax rules on shop walls.”
Diavel cut off the rest of Argo’s rant. “I failed +1 four times,” he said, voice thin. “At forty. Percent.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I could’ve avoided RNG hell altogether.” He pointed at him “You,” he said, “are enhancing everything I own. I don’t care what dark pact you made, you’re clicking the button from now on.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: FOUR TIMES AT FORTY PERCENT I’D UNINSTALL REALITY
ratmilk: he’s not talking about gear he’s talking about his WILL TO LIVE
tv.dinner: ‘you’re clicking the button from now on’ LMAOOOO marriage via enhancement
goblinresin: man skipped couples therapy and went straight to shared bank account
bag_of_meat: that’s a Cursed Energy contract right there
eggmanreturns: Diavel saw divine injustice and immediately invented forced labour
Alt snorted at that and turned towards the last of the betas.
Kirito had gone very still. “Beta rates,” he repeated, like he was testing the words.
He watched the brat blink once, stand up straight, and look him dead in the eye. “Alt,” he said, utterly serious, “I will forgive every thing you do from now until we clear this game if you max my weapon every time we hit a new ceiling.”
Argo and Diavel slowly turned to stare at him.
Kirito didn’t flinch.
Alt stared at him for a beat, then snorted. “Love the priorities.”
Kirito crossed his arms before he muttered. “I am only human.”
[Twitch Chat]
pixx_aria: Kirito STOOD UP LIKE HE WAS PROPOSING TO EVIL
ratmilk: ‘i will forgive every EVERYTHING’ HELLO????
cheap_aviators: he skipped ‘please’ and went straight to ‘i absolve you, my liege’
npc_karen: solo players when you offer +20: morals? never heard of her
tv.dinner: ‘i’m only human’ YEAH A HUMAN REROLLING HIS SOUL FOR DPS
...
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Free release date: 12 January 2026