Melissa Journal Entry 2 — Late Morning
Hi Journal I’m still at moms house its like Thursday late morning. Didn’t go in to office. Still not going in.
I took a shower and thout I could try to make myself feel like a normal again. Like reset my skin or something. It helped a little. The mirror didnt. I look different every day now. Bigger in some places, prettier in others. Things like freckles I dont like have started to disappear. I put on a robe of moms and it barely closes anymore which is crazy because as a kid I always thought she had the biggest boobs in the world. But now I guess thats me.
I’m supposed to get ready for that Channel 5 thing later. Randi had texted me a checklist earlier like I’m twelve:
Hair down. Soft colors. Nothing aggressive for now.
I guess that comes later.
Anyway.
My phone keeps buzzing. Not him. Other people like Shanette-
Hey just checking in. also: I had my meeting with the music company last night. I talked with Randi about it.
and then also:
You ok today?
Which I said yes to. Obviously. Then Aubrey:
I heard that you handled things really responsibly with Dr. J. That couldn’t have been easy.
I stared at that one for a while. Because I liked it. Like, a lot.
I didn’t even know I wanted that kind of thing until it landed. My chest did that little warm bloom thing it does when someone praises me. Which is stupid. I shudnt need that. I’m not a dog.
But it felt good to be seen as like mature or ethical or whatever. The girl who can be trusted not to mess things up even when she wants to.
I thanked Aubrey and told her I was journaling. I know she writes in a journal.
Then Lakshmi texted:
We are proud of you for giving him space. Seriously. Not everyone could do that.
Proud. Weird but that one made me a little mad. Not at her. Just like in general. Becuz when people say that what they mean is you didnt take what you wanted. And they act like thats automaticully the best version of you.
I texted back a heart becuz thats what you do.
Someone else (Aubrey maybe? I dont remember) sent:
You did the right thing.
Everyone keeps saying that word - RIGHT
Being right kinda feels…flat. Like a sticker you get for standing still.
I know they mean well. I know this is what adults are supposed to do. Boundaries. Space. Accountubility. Dr Chou would be thrilled if she knew how many people were clapping quietly for me right now.
But none of them are saying: he needs you so bad Or: he’s better when you’re close Or: youre amazing and he belongs to you
There saying I behaved.
Ethical feels like correct and kinda good.Adored feels good and kinda hot.
Those are not the same feeling. Not even close. I’m starting to figure that out, Journal.
I keep telling myself this is temporary. Like just a pause. Just proving I can do it. That I can be trusted with myself. But my body doesn’t care about trust. Or about praise for being good. Or stickers.
Restraining myself feels itchy to my body
It just knows Im alone in this house getting dressed and it wants attention from a camera and from him so it chose this dress instead of what Randi would want and that feels both wrong and right in a way I cant explain yet.
Anyway. I should finish getting ready
Everyone seems very happy with me today.
I don’t know why that makes me kinda want to scream.
—M
Memo from the Desk of Publication and Public Happiness - we're not 100% happy with the last image here, particularly in the facial zones. The rest of the landscape checks out. Might be a new image incoming. Might also be some B-sides imminent for higher-level patrons.