So yeah I’m putting this in my journal again because I can’t stop thinking about today at the gym.
It felt so natural.
That’s what surprised me most, that I didnt even think about it. I was loading the bar and he was hovering like he does, wanting to help but not really knowing how. He certainly wasn’t working out himself. So I just smiled and told him to climb up.
He laffed at first.
Then he saw I wasnt joking. I just stared at him maybe raised an eyebrow and omg he didn’t hesitate. He wrapped himself around the bar and hooked his skinny legs tight and held on like a little monkey. I could feel him trembling already and I hadn’t even lifted yet.
I pressed it up slow. And honestly? I barely felt the difference.
He weighs what - 65 pounds? A fracshun of what I put on that bar. It was almost funny. I could feel his hands and pencil arms gripping tighter every time I pushed it overhead. I watched us in the mirror. The bar with the plates rising. My shoulders swelling. My chest lifting.
And him. Just hanging there.
His eyes were wide the whole time. Not scared - well, maybe a little scared. But more like overwelmed. Like he was seeing something he couldnt fully understand.
He couldnt stop looking at me. I liked that.
At my arms. My chest. My legs. Even my face. Every time I locked out at the top, I’d glance at him in the mirror and he’d be staring.
It does something to me.
Having him watch me, and us both knowing I can lift him like that. Knowing his whole body is just like additional weight. Useful resistance.
He is helping me grow.
And we both know it now.
That’s the part that feels different. Before, he was beside me, or behind me, just watching. Now he’s part of the process. Something I build with.
It makes me feel bigger. Not just physically. But also like I’m the center of it. The what do you call it - the axis. The alpha.
That word keeps floating into my head lately. Alpha.
It feels correct. Natural. Like the world makes more sense when I’m the stronger one. The strongest one.
But I have to be careful, I know. Dr. Chou would tell me the same thing.
Because when I was pressing that bar and I saw how small he looked next to me - and how hard he was trying to hold on, how he couldn’t look away - there was this flash of something.
Not, like, cruelty. Just certainty. Like this is how it’s supposed to be. And that kind of feeling - I know it can grow fast if I let it. It can get out of control.
That’s why I have him, now. To keep me under control.
I love him so much.
He smiled at me after I let him down and I racked the weight. He told me he was proud of me. I liked that too.
I dont want to crush him.
well sometimes I do but that’s just me being weird haha I would never. I think this is good for us. He’s learning his place. He’s learning that he’s here to help me grow. That every time he hangs there he’s making his muscle mommy bigger, stronger, better. We did squats like this. Deadlifts. The curl bar. I want him to get used to it. I want him to start craving it. Because the bigger he helps me get, the more I can protect him. The easier I can hold him. The more he can just be my little man and let me take care of everything.
I’m going to make this an every-day thing. Maybe I’ll start - ooo - the thought of him strapped to me while I work out, like maybe with some lycra bands or something? To my back or legs or arms? Oh Journal I’m getting all tingly again.
But no I don’t want to crush him I just want to grow
And if he’s strong enough to hold on while I do
Then maybe this is exactly what we’re meant to be
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