38/100
Should really take another look at Dangerous Liaisons now—last rewatch, 14 years ago, dropped it from my favorite film of '88 to just solidly amusing (I had tonal issues with Mr. Frears), but it can't possibly look better than by temporally proximal comparison to this callow adolescent remix. My general allergy to Ryan Philippe notwithstanding (at least he's meant to be insufferable here), it's not really the cast's fault, even if they do all seem puny relative to Malkovich, Close, Pfeiffer and Thurman. (Exception: Sean Patrick Thomas, who's totally forgettable in the Danceny role but benefits from how egregiously miscast Keanu Reeves was.) There's just no bite to this version, which revels in superficial naughtiness (Merteuil now tempts Valmont into their wager via promises of anal) but seems terrified of genuine human emotion. Witherspoon was likely capable of embodying unfathomable heartbreak (if not at Pfeiffer's level) but wasn't asked to do so; I doubt Philippe could've pulled off "It's beyond my control," but at least let the man try, otherwise what are we doing here? Sniggering a bit? Brick was thoughtful about how noir's tropes might be reflected in high school; Cruel Intentions merely sought to target a more favorable demographic, which makes the movie feel like a high school play. No surprise that Kumble chose to manufacture a happy ending for the innocent victim, and alterations to Merteuil (no longer besmirched by her own words; would she not simply claim Valmont's journal to be all lies?) and Valmont (who sacrifices himself saving his beloved's life) also rankle. Watchable only because Laclos' blackly cynical superstructure guarantees a certain nasty voyeuristic thrill. Still haven't seen Forman's ill-timed adaptation, but it has to be more successful than this, if only by virtue of not leaning such sad witlesscisms as "I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side."