I am in the shower at 1am
I am laying down in the tub letting the water cascade down and hit my body and fall away
Looking up at the tiled ceiling and walls
It feels pitiful and beautiful
Just like me
I’ve lived here for 2 years and never noticed that the tile is not a random speckle of two different shades of light blue
It’s an identical pattern on every tile
Ornate flowers
The blues are so similar my eye never registered the repeating shapes
I’ve taken hundreds of showers
Today is the day I noticed
I close my eyes and I see you grabbing me by the throat
I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me
You’re angry
I want to make it right
In the only way I know how
Longer walks home after missed train stops tell me that since day one
I’ve always been this
We’ve always been this
I am at odds with god
Because it feels like we always will