Today I turn 36, and this birthday feels a lot different to me ☺️
I usually get more reflective on my birthdays. I think everyone does a little, right? I like to stay a little quiet, thinking about life, about what has passed, what has changed, and what I still want to build. But today I felt like writing. Maybe to mark this turning of the page 📃
For a long time, I had this somewhat irrational fear of dying at 35, like my brother. I know there is no logic in thinking that way, but trauma does not exactly work with logic. Sometimes it creates strange associations inside our heads, and we carry them as if they were true, even when we rationally know they are not.
Before he passed away, I never thought much about life or death. But after he was gone, I saw up close what death does to the people who stay. I saw my family’s pain, the emptiness a person leaves behind, and how everyone’s life changes in a way that can never be undone. I think that was when I truly started to think about death.
And at some point, it kind of developed a fear of death, which turned into urgency.
Since my brother died, I think a part of me started feeling like I needed to live everything quickly. As if I had very little time. As if I needed to chase everything I still wanted to do, because, in my head, I was going to die at 35, right?
Skating is probably the easiest example to understand. You know that I found my passion for artistic roller skating after losing Lia, and it became 100% an emotional crutch for me. It was one of the things that helped me keep going. The problem was not skating itself, but the way I started living everything at the same time, with no rest and way too much urgency.
I already told you in some older posts about my broken foot… but at one point, I was skating 5 to 6 times a week, weight training 4 times a week, doing cardio 4 times a week, flexibility training 2 times a week, and I’m probably forgetting more stuff, all while being in a calorie deficit because I wanted to stay leaner 😅 Looking back now, the math simply did not add up 😅
I kept overloading myself more and more. Then came the first injury. I should have slowed down, but I didn’t. I kept pushing my body, my routine, and my mind, until I broke my foot on the stairs at home, basically just existing. And then I was forced to stop completely.
I think that was the moment when something became very clear to me: I didn’t want to keep existing on autopilot, ignoring my own needs and turning pain into productivity. I wanted to keep living, but in a different way. With more calm, more care for myself, more love, more purpose, and less urgency.
I think Fenrir came from that place too.
He is one of my long-term plans. Having him in my life is a way of believing that I will be here for many years. That I can create new stories, take care of another being, and think about the future without feeling like I am challenging some silent “curse” inside my head.
And I think he has also been teaching me something I have been trying to learn in many areas of my life: not everything has to be black or white. Not everything has to be all or nothing, perfect or failure. Sometimes there is a middle ground.
Maybe a lighter life is not a life without responsibility, care, or effort, but a life where I do not have to turn everything into pressure, guilt, or catastrophe. Where I can care, love, make mistakes, adjust, and keep going.
Today I can even imagine myself as a very old lady beside my husband, something that never really made sense to me before. Not because I did not want that, but because a part of me had a hard time believing in such a distant future. Now that image feels possible. And more than possible, it feels beautiful.
Losing my brother and then losing Lia were the two hardest pains of my life. Both times, I honestly thought I would not be able to handle it. But I did. Not in a beautiful or inspiring way all the time. Many times I was just existing, doing the bare minimum, going through the days almost on autopilot.
And of course, I know my battle is nothing compared to what many people go through. But I also do not think life is a competition of suffering. Each person knows the weight of what they had to carry.
I may have lost myself a few times. I may have done things that took me away from my essence, from the things I believe in, and from the person I want to be. But I think I am getting closer and closer to it. Maybe life is a little bit like that too: getting lost, realizing it, coming back, adjusting the route, and trying again with a little more awareness.
I still miss my brother so much. I still look for him in the sky, in songs, in dreams, and in the things that remind me of who I am. And I also miss Lia deeply. Her presence, her little ways, the way she seemed to understand everything without me having to say a word. I had 16 years with her as my shadow, my company, and my safe place.
But today I no longer feel like I am just waiting for the day I get to meet them both again. Today I feel like I have a life to live before that.
And I want that life to be long, healthy, and lighter. I want to live in a way that would make my brother proud. I want to honor the love Lia gave me. I want to keep creating stories, making plans, and learning how to exist with less fear.
I did not want this reflection to become this melodramatic, but that is just who I am, what can I do kkkkk
So happy birthday to me 🥰 Today I turn 36, and more than celebrating another year of life, I think I am celebrating the fact that I finally believe I still have a story ahead of me 💜