Round 1: Family History
Glitch: Dead Dad card!
Kent: . . .
Glitch, pointing to Kent: Dead Mom card!
Kent winces.
Grayson: What is this?
Jo: An argument y’all keep having inside my head, so it’s getting written down. My sincerest apologies to the audience.
Grayson: Inside your head? Excuse me?
Jo: Roll with it.
Sally: In that case, double jeopardy! Orphan card!
Ambrose: . . . Ah, I have that card as well.
Shard: Shut up about your past, Kim. No one cares.
Glitch, to Sally: You were raised by two doting parents, plus your bio folks could still be alive. Disqualified.
Sally: But! Consider the deep-rooted abandonment issues.
Nick: Except you don’t really have those?
Sally: Shut up. My issues are robust and plentiful.
Nick: Not arguing with that, but your issues have nothing to do with being adopted.
Sally: Are you accusing me of being well-adjusted? How dare you.
Grayson: I’m certain that Nick only meant that your family is enviably close.
Nick: Enviably? Oh, right. Gray has the “Shitty Father” card.
Glitch: Yeah, well, Kenzie has that card, too!
Kent's wince deepens.
Grayson: Pain isn’t a competition.
Sally: Except this is literally a Painful Past competition.
Glitch: In which case, Sir Black here is immediately disqualified.
Glitch makes a shooing motion towards Gray.
Glitch: Go on, get! Back to your ivory tower, princeling.
Grayson, dryly: You’ve never been to England, have you.
Glitch: I’m deathly allergic to unseasoned food.
Nick: So, only people with dead parents are allowed troubled childhoods? That seems reductive.
Sally: True, I still have the “Tragic Prophet” trope to lean on, don’t I? Okay, I’m dropping the Orphan Card. My real parents are alive.
Nick: That’s what I said earlier, but you got mad at me!
Sally: Because you said that I had issues!
Nick: I was agreeing with you!
Ambrose: This is ridiculous.
Shard: You’re ridiculous.
Glitch: Also, this round is only about our family circumstances. At least your family histories don’t necessitate monthly hospital check-ins. Thanks for the bum brain, Daddio!
Kent: Your brain isn’t bum.
Glitch smirks, façade of bitterness falling away now that he’s achieved his goal of being complimented.
Glitch: Because I’m a genius, right?
Kent (solemnly, fully aware that he’s being manipulated): Right.
Grayson: Still, I don’t think that our pasts are something we should be competing over.
Ambrose: Agreed.
Glitch: You two only say that because Gray has led a charmed life, and Rosy doesn’t want to talk about his sister.
Ambrose: Parker. That’s enough.
Shard: Parker isn’t wrong, however.
For a long moment, no one dares to speak. The air is fraught with tension until . . .
Nick: Then I declare myself the winner!
Sally: Declaration rejected.
Glitch: You grew up rich with two parents who loved you and an adorable, still-alive little sibling. That’s not even enough to place bronze.
Nick: Two words: Vengeance Button.
Sally: Oof.
Kent: . . .
Glitch: I concede their existance to be a semi-valid argument.
Sally: Then do I get points as well? Since Button is my best friend.
Glitch: Maybe half a point? This round is supposed to be about our families.
Sally: Button is as much my family as my dads.
Ambrose: I’m leaving.
Shard: Coward.
Jo: No one’s leaves until I announce the winner.
Ambrose: Then announce it already.
Glitch: *drumroll noises*
Sally: Ignore the author; she’s pretending to be in control again. This is a democracy.
Nick: Should we put it to a vote, then?
Grayson: Is this really something we should be voting on?
Sally: Yes.
Nick: Yes.
Glitch: Hell yes.
Ambrose: No.
Kent: . . .
Grayson: It feels in bad taste.
Ambrose: It is in bad taste.
Nick: Well, we can stop talking about it if we vote.
Sally: I vote for Button, then.
Shard scoffs.
Nick: I vote for Gray.
Glitch: Why the hell would you vote for Ritchie-Rich?
Nick: I wanted him to feel included.
Grayson: Thank you, but I’m perfectly content to not be in the running.
Glitch: The only thing bad ever to happen to Little Lord Fauntleroy was the death of his first pony.
Grayson: I never owned a pony.
Glitch: Thoroughbred horse, then.
Grayson: . . . Her name was Black Beauty.
Glitch: For real?
Grayson: No.
Ambrose and Nick both chuckle, then glare at each other.
Nick: Does anyone even know enough about Kim to vote for him?
Shard: I do.
Nick: Fuck off, you brain parasite. No one cares what you have to say.
Shard: Such a child.
Nick: A child who you almost killed!
Jo, clearing throat: Keep on topic, kiddos. Story Events aren’t until Round 3.
Ambrose: This author is sick and twisted.
Shard: Hypocrite.
Kent, quietly: I want this to be over.
Glitch, expression guilty, stares at Kent. Some events, even dark humor shouldn’t touch.
Glitch: You know what? I’ve changed my mind. This competition is stupid.
Sally: That’s quite the one-eighty. Afraid that you won’t win?
Ambrose: There's no victory to be found in something like this.
Glitch: Agreed Let’s move on.
Grayson: I’d love nothing more, but the author said that—
Glitch, glaring at everyone except Kent: We’ve already established that the author isn’t in control. This topic is getting dropped.
Kent: Thanks, Ferro.