A/N: This one is a little short in addition to being a little late, but certainly not for lack of trying on my part. I ended up cutting and completely re-writing the entire ending... which is why I'm up so damn late at night. I'm gonna collapse soon, so I hope you all enjoy!There are three transformation phrases this chapter, but I will not be providing theme music for any of them. Instead, I recommend playing this song when the tape starts. You'll know what I mean.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2fjoAHNdp8
Enjoy the chapter!
"Is… is that safe?" Mrs. Pearce asks, ever the straightforward woman.
"I've done it before with the others," Castalia says as she continues her rotation back towards uprightness. "Thalia and Melpomene and I have been up before. I can only imagine it's far safer for Luna than it is for us, given that she does not require air."
"Andrew dear, did you hear a 'yes' at any point during that?" Mrs. Pearce asks, turning to her husband.
"I did not, as a matter of fact," Mr. Pearce confirms. "What a curious absence."
"…It's relatively safe?" Castalia hedges. "It requires a large amount of power, but that should be much easier for me to gather than the last time I did it, since I mainly use joy now. The primary expenditure is maintaining breathable air. Creating matter is one of the most exhausting kinds of magic."
"Wait, you maintained atmosphere in space by creating oxygen from nothingness?" I ask.
"Yes," Castalia confirms.
"…We are using my storage spell for that this time," I sigh, not sure what other answer I could have been expecting. "Why didn't you do that in the first place? Just bring the atmosphere with you."
"Air is hard to hold," Castalia says. "That remains true with telekinesis."
"I've seen Minerva maintain a bubble of clean atmosphere around herself in the Dark World," I point out.
"That's not telekinesis," Castalia says. "It's wind magic."
"Okay but they both deal with motion, don't they? What is telekinesis if not manipulating the forces on objects?"
"It is picking things up with your mind," Castalia says. "And air is hard to pick up."
I synthesize a sighing noise, sagging in defeat. This isn't really the sort of thing I'm going to be able to communicate with her, is it?
"…It is not that I do not understand," Castalia says, seemingly responding to my thoughts. "You are speaking about force from a physics standpoint. The kind of energy one uses to lift an object in defiance of gravity could also be used to move air. I imagine you could construct a spell that works on such a basis. But the nature of magic is in defiance of physics, not harmony with it. It is best thought of differently."
That seems kind of weird to me. Wouldn't it be easier to make magic that doesn't need to defy physical laws at all? Surely defying physical laws in general would be an extra expenditure, something wasteful that's best avoided. But the more I think about the things magic does, the more that… kind of makes sense. The way that kaiju moved, the way magical shielding just doesn't care about physical damage the way it cares about magical damage, the way Castalia's beams can carve through the landscape and flash-melt stone but don't turn the air around them into plasma… that's just normal for it, isn't it?
"Interesting," I hum, leaving it at that.
"It is," Castalia agrees.
"I'll have to agree with that as well," Mr. Pearce chimes in. "Watching you girls do your thing has always been… otherworldly. Our little girl, floating in the air with her hair flowing like it was underwater…"
"We should break out some of the old tapes," Mrs. Pearce smiles fondly. "The VHS player is still hooked up, right Andrew?"
"I think it's in the basement… but I could get it working in a jiffy! One moment…" he says, standing up and giddily rushing off deeper into the house.
"Oh, goodness. We probably haven't watched these in a decade, have we?" Mrs. Pearce sighs. "You remember us recording those videos on the camcorder, don't you dear? I had to balance the damn thing on my shoulder… it's amazing how far technology has come."
"Yeah, we even have robots now," I agree, keeping all hints of irony out of my tone.
"I have to admit, I'm having some trouble believing it," Mrs. Pearce says. "A robot? Really?"
I shrug, reach up to the top of my head, and send the mental command to unzip my suit. I haven't actually taken it off manually in a while, since putting it on and off with magic is so much easier, but I just plan to poke my real head out for a moment before zipping myself back up. Pulling my fake skin down, I shake my head to help free it and stare at Mrs. Pearce with my default optical sensors, hidden behind dimly glowing yellow crystal.
"Ta-da," I say. "Look ma, no mouth."
But I can still scream.
"Well… consider my doubts banished," Mrs. Pearce says, sounding vaguely ill. "Sorry, dear, I didn't mean to make you do that."
"I don't mind," I say honestly. "It's what I am now. Outside of the slavery stuff, I kind of like it."
"I'm… so sorry Melpomene did that to you," she says. "I can't help but feel like I've failed all you girls.."
"Honestly, it's refreshing to hear that," I say, letting a bit of irritation seep into my voice as I put my face back on. "Everybody else that knew Mel reacts in shock and disbelief, like she was the nicest, kindest person in the world who would never ever do something horrible like this. They act like she's some wonderful visionary hero, but the only version of her I've ever known is the one that used me, beat me, and tried to make me kill Castalia."
Mrs. Pearce sighs.
"I loved her, and I still love her," she says. "But out of all of them, I worried about her the most. She always tried to pile as much weight on her own shoulders as she could, and carry it all alone. I've feared for a long time that it would break her. I'm sorry that I couldn't help her enough to have saved you, Luna."
"She's a twenty-four year old woman," I say. "Maybe twenty-five now? Either way, you're well past being responsible for her shit decisions."
"Maybe," Mrs. Pearce concedes. "But if you ever have a kid, I doubt you'll feel that way when they grow up."
Well, I don't have a kid, so I can't really argue with that.
"…I'll help her, Mrs. Pearce," Castalia says. "I'll save her."
"She's not the sort of girl that wants to be saved, I fear," Mrs. Pearce sighs.
"I don't care," Castalia says simply. "I'll do it."
It hurts to hear that. It really does. But ultimately… she wouldn't be the girl I fell in love with if she said anything else. It's the same thing she said about me, after all. Though… that thought doesn't make me feel any better.
"Found it!" an excited shout calls from another room. "Head to the living room!"
"Well, you heard the man. Time to walk farther down memory lane, girls," Mrs. Pearce says, standing up and grabbing our dishes. "I'll be there soon."
I follow Castalia, and soon enough I'm sitting on the edge of the couch, Castalia floating with her legs crossed next to me. Mr. Pearce is bent over a huge box TV like the kind my family had when I was young, plugging cables into the back. It's in surprisingly good condition.
"Please do not try to seduce this one," Castalia says. "I believe magnets would destroy it."
Huh!?
"Castalia!?" I squeak. "I'm obviously not going to! Why would you…"
It's subtle, but from the way she's staring at me and the tiny pulses of joy radiating off of her, I can tell she's laughing on the inside.
"Do magnets work on you, I wonder?" she asks.
Where is this coming from!?
"They do not, as a matter of fact!" I say. "Immaculate technology like myself does not run on a hard disc drive! Why am I being teased all of a sudden!?"
"You seem to enjoy it," Castalia says. "I thought I'd give it a try. Also, I suspect I am about to be very embarrassed by the content of these videos, so it is only fair."
W-well, I guess if it's fair… and it's true that I like teasing her, but…!
"I'm not sure teasing people is for me, but I think I understand more about why you enjoy it now," Castalia hums. "It is the same reason you like making my food too spicy. There is a degree to which the intensity of a reaction is intrinsically precious."
Ah. Well. Um. Yeah, I guess you could… describe it that way.
"Do you want me to make your food less spicy?" I try, weirdly desperate to move this conversation elsewhere.
"No?" Castalia says, tilting her head. "Why would I deny you something you find precious?"
I… I'm going to die! She's too sweet, oh my god…
"Got it! Here we go… yeah, this one will be perfect," Mr. Pearce hums to himself, pulling a VHS tape out of a nearby box and feeding it to the player.
I glance at the label on the tape before it gets swallowed up, reading a hand-written marker scribble that says 'Backyard Camping 6/23/07.' Two thousand and seven, huh… Castalia would have been twelve.
The tape starts, the screen shaking slightly in the manner of many an amateur camerawoman just trying to capture a precious moment for eternity. The view that soon comes into focus is dark, lit mainly by the flame of a small gas stove sitting on a bed of rocks. Surrounding it are three towels, laid out over the ground to sit on, and behind that is a large tent sitting on the grass of a fenced-in lawn.
Two of the towels by the stove are occupied, a pair of young girls rapidly signing at one another as they steal occasional glances at the precariously-balanced sticks hanging over the stove, marshmallows slowly crisping over the small open flame. Farther away from the stove, standing alone in the dark, a third young girl stares straight up, a blank face intent on nothing but taking in the majesty of the night sky.
It's not hard to tell who is who. Even at half their current ages, Castalia and Melpomene are recognizable, and Thalia is just a matter of process of elimination. Besides, I know the color of the stones they had back then. Melpomene's blue transformation stone is clipped into her hair, just like her purple one still is today. Castalia's green stone is strapped to her wrist like a watch. And Thalia, the yellow mage of the three, has hers in a necklace hanging slightly over her shirt.
Her grin is almost as bright as the flame.
"I thought you would like Tomb Raider!" she signs to Melpomene, the two of them occupying the towels.
"A proper archeologist would never shoot a dinosaur!" Melpomene signs back. "They are as important to our history as any old trinket. And she keeps the things she finds for herself! They belong in a museum!"
"Lara Croft is pretty, though," Thalia argues impishly.
"Lara Croft is triangles!!!" Melpomene signs furiously back, a slight blush forming on her cheeks.
Thalia breaks out into laughter at that, the sound sudden, loud, and unrepentant. The swap from near-total silence to unrestrained laughter startles me a bit, but Castalia doesn't react with any surprise, either beside me or in the recording, each of them focused like nothing other than what they're staring at exists in the world.
"Cah-staw-ee-ah!" Thalia calls for her out loud, every syllable enunciated carefully yet still slightly wrong. "Cah-staw-ee-uh! Marmawao!"
She wildly slaps the empty towel next to her several times, craning her head back to stare at her lone friend. The Castalia in the video blinks a couple times, taking a second to pull her eyes away from the stars, and turns to look at Thalia.
"Marshmellow…" Castalia says quietly to herself, then signs the same word. She had hands back then, after all. "Marshmallow?"
Thalia nods profusely, putting so much of her body into each rise and fall of her head that I'm almost worried it'll fly off.
"They're almost ready!" she signs, now that she has Castalia's attention. "Come sit with us!"
I see what Thalia's mother meant now, when she critiqued my sign language. I just watched reference videos and nothing else. I never put much time into looking at how a deaf person actually talks to people. Everything is so… expressive. There's a whole element to the language that I've been missing; it's honestly a marvel I didn't come off as a robot to the others. I wonder if that's part of why Su-san prefers to talk to me in English. My Japanese is probably terrible in practice.
There's a big difference between knowing information and understanding it, isn't there? As quickly as my mind can do the former, I'm still stuck at the same pace as everyone else for the latter.
Now that I have a good look at her face, it's clear that Castalia—and by extension, probably the rest of her team—aren't in their incarnate forms. Castalia's body was thin and frail even back then, it seems, and she takes her careful time walking over to the others, a bit unsteady on her feet. Melpomene tenses as Castalia approaches, a look of worry on her face like she's ready to leap up and catch the girl if she falls. I've seen that look on her face around Thea, too.
"Okay dears, when you put your s'mores together, hold them up for the camera before eating them, okay?" Mrs. Pearce's voice calls from off-screen, moving the camera closer to get a clearer view now that Castalia isn't so far from the others.
"Yes, Mrs. Pearce!" Melpomene calls back dutifully, before translating the request into sign for Thalia, who has already started rapidly assembling her chocolate-marshmallow contraption.
Judging by the amount of melted sweets that have managed to get on her fingers rather than a graham cracker, I'm not sure how much she'll ultimately have to show. Still, the three of them dutifully put together their desserts, Thalia finishing her abomination first but waiting patiently for her friends to complete theirs before holding it up or biting in. Melpomene finishes second, and Castalia, her hands shaking the entire time, finishes third. Together at the same time, they hold their creations up for the camera.
Thalia's is as much of a mess as I expected, if not more. It's little more than a pile of splintered crackers and chocolate-marshmallow goop, as if partway through realizing she was going to have to lick it all off her fingers anyway she decided to commit. Castalia's is much neater, despite her shaky hands. Though her s'more is a little crooked and uneven, it's clear she took her time to put it together with care. Finally, Melpomene's s'more is nearly perfect—the kind you might see in a commercial—with just-barely-melting chocolate and a large, fluffy marshmallow in the middle. The only flaw is a huge line snapping the top cracker in half, where she must have worked a little too fast and put in too much force.
"Ta-tah!!!" Thalia says out loud, her voice exuberant, and both members of her team follow soon after.
"Ta-dah!" Castalia and Melpomene declare at the same time, all three girls grinning joyfully together.
The tape flickers and cuts off there, a solid ten seconds of blackness before a new scene pops into place. Old VHS tapes were like that; each tape only had so many hours of space, so you'd often start new recordings right where old ones left off, all in one long sequence.
Castalia, Thalia, and Melpomene are all indoors, standing in front of the camera in a house I don't recognize. Melpomene looks annoyed, Thalia looks smug, and Castalia looks the same as always. She's the only one not looking at the camera, staring off toward a corner of the room we can't see while her fingers squirm and brush against each other. The three of them look a little older than they did in the last video, but not by much. Maybe a year or two, at most?
"Okay, it's recording," Mrs. Pearce says from behind the camera. "What did you need this for?"
"We already told you!" Melpomene signs.
"Say it again, dear, so we remember it when we watch this again down the line."
Melpomene rolls her eyes.
"You're keeping it…?" she asks.
"Of course I'm keeping it," Mrs. Pearce says. "That's my price for using the camcorder. Now, what are you three doing?"
"We're having a contest to see who can stay in incarnate form for the longest!" Melpomene signs. "And we are recording it because last time, I won, but Thalia lied and said I didn't!"
"It didn't count!" Thalia signs back. "You did a false start!"
"Starting first is harder!" Melpomene signs furiously back. "It's a time contest!"
"Girls, girls!" Mrs. Pearce calls out. She's probably signing and talking at the same time, given how Thalia still pays attention to her. "We'll definitely keep the contest fair this time, okay? Now everybody line up, I want to get a good shot. Ready? Three, two, one… go!"
They all speak their transformation phrase at the same time, changing as one.
"I Cᴀɴ Fɪɢʜᴛ," Castalia says simply.
"Nᴏ Oɴᴇ Is Gᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ Hᴜʀᴛ," Melpomene promises.
"Wᴀᴛᴄʜ Oᴜᴛ, Mᴏɴsᴛᴇʀs!" Thalia signs, her hands somehow carrying that same strange magical cadence as spoken spells always have.
"Bʀᴀᴠᴇ Dᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇʀ Lᴏʏᴀʟ Cᴀsᴛᴀʟɪᴀ."
"Mᴏᴜʀɴɪɴɢ Aᴇɢɪs Dᴇᴛᴇʀᴍɪɴᴇᴅ Mᴇʟᴘᴏᴍᴇɴᴇ."
"Exᴜʙᴇʀᴀɴᴛ Pʀɪɴᴄᴇss Bᴇʟᴏᴠᴇᴅ Tʜᴀʟɪᴀ."
And there they are. The three of them stand together with matching costumes, though they all have their own individual tweaks. With white shirts and color-coded skirts, they certainly give off strong Sailor Moon vibes, which was no doubt intentional on the part of the Preservers. They each have their transformation stones in the same place they had them in their real bodies, and Thalia is wearing a tight pair of yellow shorts instead of a skirt like her two partners.
"You used to wear a skirt?" I say, unable to stop myself from commenting.
"…I did not realize how easy it was to see my underwear, back then," Castalia admits. "Melpomene usually fought on the ground, so…"
"Okay everyone, weapons out!" Mrs. Pearce says on the video. "Let's get everyone posing."
"I thought you said no weapons in the house," Melpomene signs, a concerned look on her face.
Thalia, meanwhile, looks like Christmas came early.
"Just this once, if you're careful with them," Mrs. Pearce says. "Ready? Three, two, one…!"
Everyone's weapons flash into being around them. Melpomene's are familiar to me; it's more or less the same lance and shield that I've seen her and Veritas use, though it's blue this time and a bit smaller than I'm used to. Thalia's weapons appear on her waist: two packs full of crystalline yellow throwing knives, several of which she gathers up and holds between the fingers of her fists like Wolverine claws.
Castalia's weapons, meanwhile… as soon as I see them I figure out why she's never summoned them in front of me before. A pair of fingerless gloves have appeared around her hands, each reaching back halfway to her elbow. Unlike Aurora's knuckledusters, they don't seem to be helpful for punching or striking; instead, in the center of each palm lies a polished green crystal that probably helped her fire the energy blasts she's famous for. Green lines originating from each crystal spiral around the outside of the glove all the way up her arms.
Thalia and Melpomene each immediately strike a dramatic pose, though Castalia mostly just looks kind of lost. Melpomene glances Castalia's way and then nudges Thalia. Without a word, Melpomene and Thalia put their weapons away, surround their teammate, and help her into a proper pose. Melpomene gently grabs Castalia's arms, pulling them up so her palms are facing the camera and her fingers are curled slightly like claws. Thalia squares Castalia's shoulders and adjusts her stance, pushing one foot back and one foot forward. Castalia allows all of this to happen without comment, dutifully maintaining whatever pose she's placed in like a doll. If anything, every touch and adjustment from her team only makes her more relaxed. Once finished, Thalia and Melpomene circle their work once, nod in satisfaction to each other, and then set up on either side of Castalia to pose themselves.
"Ready!" Melpomene calls out.
"It's a video camera, dear," Mrs. Pearce says, her voice sounding like she's holding back a laugh. "It already captured everything."
"…Right," Melpomene says, sagging slightly and awkwardly clearing her throat.
"Now what?" Thalia asks, doing an admittedly great job of signing coherently without dropping any of her knives.
"Well… now we wait," Melpomene signs back. "And when you end up falling out of incarnate form first, I'll have proof this time!"
"That's boring," Thalia signs. "We should at least do flying practice or something!"
"We have to stay in front of the camera or you'll say it doesn't count!" Melpomene insists.
"Mom, can you bring the camera outside?" Thalia asks, turning toward the screen.
I don't hear a verbal response, but Thalia beams smugly, and the camera's movement soon after confirms that the response was 'yes.' The group heads out toward the back porch, and the camera follows. It ends up in a yard I recognize from the camping video earlier, though naturally it's daytime this time around.
Once outside, Thalia smacks two of her knives together, causing a loud, ringing hum to spill out of each of them like they're tuning forks. Melpomene and Castalia both flinch at the sound, causing Thalia to laugh almost as loud. Then Castalia covers her ears, and Thalia quickly quiets down, pressing the flat of each blade against her sides to get them to stop ringing.
"Don't do that!" Melpomene admonishes.
"Sorry," Thalia signs back. "I like the vibrations."
"Well, save the attacks for the monsters," Melpomene responds, reaching over to tap Castalia's hand. Castalia uncovers her ears at the touch.
"Okay, Mrs. Pearce, we're flying!" Melpomene says to the camera. "Don't lose sight of us, okay?"
"I'll do my best," Mrs. Pearce responds.
"Don't lose sight of us!" Melpomene repeats. "Thalia will squirm out of her loss if we're not always on camera!"
"Stay close, and stay together," Mrs. Pearce instructs, but the three of them shoot up into the air, the camera almost losing sight of them from the get-go.
The three of them become little more than colored dots in the sky, playing what seems to be an impromptu game of tag. This goes on for several minutes, though I don't say anything because Castalia's eyes are glued to the screen. Even given how high up they are, Thalia's boisterous laugh is loud enough to be audible as the three of them flit around each other.
The Mrs. Pearce of the present enters the room, giving Castalia an affectionate pat on the head before sitting down next to her husband. Castalia uses telekinesis to un-muss her hair without taking her eyes away from the screen.
"Nobody's ever ready to be a parent," Mrs. Pearce notes. "There's nothing that can prepare you for it. But still… I feel like raising three flying daughters is a unique sort of parental hell all on its own."
"It's happening soon," Castalia says calmly.
"I know, darling," Mrs. Pearce responds, quieting down.
She says that, but another few minutes pass with almost nothing at all. There may be something special in the sight of the three girls having so much fun together, but… they're just too far away for us to see much. And when that changes, it's not very fun at all.
Castalia pauses in the air, and then she starts to fall.
For a split second, neither member of her team reacts. Falling, after all, is not always mutually exclusive with flying, and there have been plenty of times where a sudden drop in altitude was quite intentional on everyone's part. And it is not as though Castalia gave any sort of heads-up that this time, it was no longer a game.
I'm already braced for it, but it still bites at me when it's Melpomene that notices first. She screams Castalia's name and shoots down like an overturned rocket, Catching Castalia in midair and slowing both of their falls enough to land safely. Castalia falls out of incarnate form in Melpomene's arms, the frail girl clutching her chest in clear distress, breathing increasingly panicked and ragged. Tears stream down Melpomene's face as she cries out for Mrs. Pearce, and soon after the camera is abandoned and left to run, showing nothing but empty yard.
"I rushed them all to the hospital after that," Mrs. Pearce comments. "Had a few stern words for Uma'tama too, when the little bitch actually showed up. The moment I saw the doctor's face after the surgery, I thought we'd lost you."
"I imagine Thalia had something to say about that?" I ask.
"Yes," Castalia confirms. "She always did. It's when she learned to heal."
"Very dramatically timed," I note. "I suppose that's to be expected when it comes to magic."
"Boy isn't it?" Mr. Pearce chuckles. "All our girls were little drama queens. Or drama princesses, I suppose."
"Even Castalia?" I ask.
"Oh, in her own way, certainly," Mr. Pearce confirms with a grin.
The video suddenly cuts to a new scene, someone apparently having opted to record over the likely hours-long period of the camera recording an empty backyard. We're back inside the house now, looking at a sizable dining room table covered in colorful decorations. Thalia, sitting at the head of the table and wearing a party hat, is patiently staring at the camera as someone finishes setting it up.
"Okay, we're rolling!" Mr. Pearce's voice calls out from the background. "Bring 'em in, Mel!"
Moments later, Melpomene walks in from offscreen, pushing Castalia—who is sitting in a wheelchair, carefully holding a birthday cake on her lap. Lemon-flavored, by the looks of it, but it's a little hard to tell beneath all that frosting.
Thalia makes a happy, wordless noise, clapping her hands together with excitement. Castalia lifts it onto the table—Melpomene hovering anxiously nearby in case she drops it—and then points at the fourteen candles, all of which alight at the same time.
"You've gotten so good at that!" Thalia praises immediately, to which Castalia nods.
"She has!" Melpomene agrees. "But I baked the cake."
She puffs her chest out proudly (and there's already a considerable amount of it) eliciting another laugh from Thalia.
"Well I'm sure that will be great, too!" she signs. "So what are we waiting for?"
She blows out the candles almost as quickly as Castalia ignited them. No one suggests they sing a birthday song, for obvious reasons, so Mrs. Pearce wastes no time coming over to cut the cake and give Thalia the first slice. It's just… a pretty much totally normal birthday from there on out, with everyone offering Thalia a present and her opening them with joyful exuberance, seemingly delighted no matter what they are. Castalia and Melpomene both sneak thankful glances towards Mrs. Pearce when Thalia praises their gifts, though whether it's because Mrs. Pearce suggested the gift in the first place or just because she's the only lady in the room with any actual money to buy them is a mystery that doesn't seem worth solving.
I find myself unsure of what to think. It feels like a very private moment, one that doesn't really involve me, but I suppose I was invited to see it. Perhaps that's exactly why I'm being shown this. Everyone is just so… normal. I can see it now. The Melpomene everyone else knew. The girl who cared. It's so incredibly hard to keep watching. I just want to turn my eyes away. I don't want to see her like this. I don't want her to be someone who could be saved.
Because god, if anyone tries? That'll be the uphill battle to end all battles. I wouldn't be surprised if Castalia spent her whole life trying to get that stubborn woman to be a good person again and still failed. She's crossed too many lines that she can't walk back from, and no one knows that more than her. She's a monster to the core, because she's given up on trying to be anything else.
I care about Castalia, but which would hurt her more: mourning Melpomene if she dies, or suffering through trying to change someone that can no longer change? I want to argue the latter, but ultimately I know it's not something I can know the answer to. I can't know that she won't be able to turn her life around. I can be pretty sure, but is a near-certainty really worth anything when it comes to something this serious? I don't know. I just don't know.
Maybe I'm just a mess because I know that saving the woman would be the best outcome for Castalia, but it would be the worst outcome for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop hating her, but the people I care about most aren't just going to let her go. She has her hooks in too deep.
I suppose it's not really worth thinking about. It doesn't matter what my opinion ultimately is, because if we finally beat her, if we bring her down and have her at our mercy, I'll never be the one who gets to make the final decision. I already know what Thea would want me to do, and that'll be the full extent of my agency on the matter.
Given how fucked our relationship is, I wonder if it would be more or less healthy to resent her a little for that.
I suspect Castalia has picked up on some of my thoughts, as she breaks me out of them by rotating my way and letting her head land on my shoulder. I stiffen up a bit; Castalia isn't the most physical person in the world, so it's a rare treat for her to be the one initiating contact. I tilt my head to rest it on hers, focusing on the sound of her breathing to help get my power generation positive again.
"No matter what," Castalia says, "I won't let her hurt you again."
"How many other people is she going to hurt, though?" I ask.
"Less than if I do nothing again," Castalia answers. "I won't. I have to fix my mistakes, too."
"You're not responsible for anything she did either," I insist.
"Responsibility is complicated," Castalia says. "It only comes into play when things go wrong. Most wrong things can be stopped by many people, in many ways. It is a choice, and a purely subjective one, to assign that responsibility amongst them."
"Don't go guru on me with this one," I say, reaching up to poke her cheek. "It's not your fault. Period."
"If I never take responsibility for anything outside what I absolutely must, how will I grow?" Castalia asks.
"You're literally the strongest person on Earth," I say. "You can leave some growing for the rest of us."
"I don't want to," Castalia says. "I enjoy growing. I did not need to go to college, but I did, and I got to meet you. Now, that is over. I am responsible for her again. Not because I must be, but because I choose to be. I am very sorry that this hurts you."
"…She beat you last time," I remind her.
"You were on her team last time," Castalia says. "I know it is not fair to ask you this, but this time, will you be on mine?"
"Of course I will," I say without a moment's hesitation, even though I hate the words. "At least for the part where you kick her ass and drag her home so Mrs. Pearce can give her a spanking, I'm with you all the way."
"That is all I ask," Castalia hums.
"It won't work though, Cas," I insist. "You can't get her to back down. I'm sorry, but you just can't. You've tried to be reasonable with her every single time, and she's tossed you aside because she's driven herself mad on purpose and you're part of it, somehow. She won't see anything when she looks at you but her own delusions."
"You're probably right," Castalia concedes. "Maybe Thea can do it?"
God, maybe. But…
"I honestly doubt it," I say. "She's not going to hurt Thea, but if Thea wasn't enough of a reason for her to change her ways before she's not going to be enough of a reason now. I can't imagine a scenario where we could actually get her to back down and change her mind, and believe me, I've thought about it. You're throwing your effort away, Castalia. She's a murderer and a slaver. Even if she wanted it, she doesn't deserve redemption."
"I do not believe that is the case for anyone," Castalia says.
With the help of my skinsuit, I manage a deep sigh.
"…I figured you'd think that way," I say. "I think you're wrong, and I think that even if you are right, it won't be worth the effort."
"But you have agreed to help me anyway," Castalia points out.
"Of course I have," I say. "I love you."
There's a moment of relative quiet, as even the TV doesn't make a lot of noise when everyone is signing instead of speaking.
"…I love you, too," Castalia answers softly.
Oh. I… why is it that even though I could already feel it, even though I already knew it, those words mean more to me than anything?
"…Thank you," I whisper. It seems like a silly thing to say in response to her confession, but she just nods.
She understands.