Hello! I'm happy to announce that I will be writing my own original scripts again soon!
Last year really shook me up because of the stalker, but something I haven't been honest about is how unkind I was to myself. It took a lot of therapy and conversations in the mirror to realize that the "clog" I felt creatively was a side effect of something else entirely.
I am unkind to myself. I have been since I was a kid. It was curse my grandparents passed down to my parents who then placed the yolk on me.
After I fully committed to being a content creator, I moved to a cheap rental in the middle of nowhere, away from my friends and chosen family with nothing but a fishing store and a Walmart. I lived in a neighborhood that was racist and homophobic. I lived in a house that I refused to furnish or decorate. I slept on the floor and didn't even buy a winter blanket. I ate only junk food and meal replacement shakes. I didn't feel comfortable jogging outside or going to the gym because the people were unfriendly.
On top of all this, I ended up having to deal with a stalker with violent fantasies in the summer. I had locks on every window and reinforcements on the door and slept with a weapon nearby out of fear due to my stalker. I barely slept if I'm being honest, because every time the cameras detected motion I would jump right out of bed and steel myself. The AC didn't even work and the terrible rental property conglomerate I was under didn't fix it for a month. Even my lucky bee necklace of 5 years broke while living there.
Looking back now, I understand why I did that and forgive myself for letting fear dictate my choices. I was afraid of failing so I lived somewhere I had no business being in. I was afraid of people losing interest so I hoarded all my patronage and didn't even spend enough to eat properly. I was afraid of being an outcast so I didn't go outside. I was afraid and my physical and mental health nose dived as my body went into surival mode.
I did it to myself. I didn't dry up creatively, I closed my soul off from my body because it was too poisonous to inhabit. I stopped writing honestly, emotionally, and reflectively because I was afraid of drawing more violent attention if I allowed myself to be intimate.
The reason I've felt like there's a creative clog is because I can not create without being vulnerable. I could not express genuine love and intimacy in my writing if I am afraid of showing who I really am.
After all, if I grow all these walls and invent all these mazes to prevent me from being perceived by my audience for the sake of feeling "safe", there's no wonder that I struggle to get any words out at all.
Since then, I've moved to an area that makes me feel safe. I live in a building with security instead of a standalone house. I let myself decorate. I bought a bed. I allowed myself to dress the way I want to instead of dressing to hide myself in the shadows. I allow myself to sleep when I'm tired and not when work is done. I stopped doing things that made me unhappy simply because that's how things are "supposed" to be done. I unplugged myself from social media I didn't want to have despite the fear in my mind telling me that if I don't do this or that then everything will disappear.
This is the year that I stop running. I'm going to post song covers and not delete them even if people tell me to "stick to moaning." I'm going to write again even if I'm afraid of it not being good enough. I'm going to post things even if it makes me feel vulnerable. I'm going to turn off my computer when I don't feel like working. I'm going to view creating erotica as an art form and not spitting it out like a printer. I'm going to listen to my happy. I'm going to make things when I feel passionate and not when I feel obligated to. (For example not forcing myself to record a ramble when I'm not actually horny, because faking being horny is actually a soul draining experience.)
I want to start posting more about my life not because I really want attention or anything, but because I want to challenge myself to stop being afraid of people. I want to start posting content with my face so I can confront the fear of being outed as a sex worker. I want to build up to the point where if someone in real life asks what I do, I can unabashedly say I create intimate erotica.
I still have lots to do to build up to that point, but that's the journey I've decided to go on. Baby steps!
For my first baby step I'd like to reintroduce myself.
Hi, my real name is Josh. I like long walks to the grocery store and despite my brand being pink and blue, my favorite color is green. My favorite animal is the honey bee!