[Feat Achieved! Terrible First Impressions…Again!]
[+1 Bronze Gacha Ticket]
Screw you, system…
I massaged Anna’s back as she lay face down on the floor, groaning into the tiles. In hindsight, pulling that stunt after our big lunch might not have been my brightest idea.
Tony Stark and Phil Coulson just stared at the two of us like we were aliens.
Should I…?
Eh, they were already freaked the fuck out. What was the worst that could happen?
[Rolling Bronze Gacha Ticket]
[Pepsi Man]
|Trash Familiar|
Pepsi Man gives Pepsi whenever he can! Pepsi Man arrives at your location through any means necessary before delivering everyone in the area a fresh can of Pepsi, then disappearing.
8-hour cooldown.Uh oh.“Soooo, are we gonna stand around all day watching you comfort your girlfriend?” Tony said. “Or are you gonna—”
“PEPSI MAN!”
The sound of shattering glass made all of us turn.
Standing in front of the broken window was a gigantic man posing like a bodybuilder. He wore a sleek silver bodysuit with blue sections and a massive red, white, and blue Pepsi logo across his chest. His head looked like a smooth silver helmet.
Jesus Christ, did he have a goddamn eight-pack?
“PEEEEPSI!” Pepsi Man moved faster than even I could track. “MANNNNN!”
The next moment, I was holding a can of Pepsi.
Another can sat just slightly askew beside Anna’s head.
There was another sharp boom, and I blinked as Tony stood with a small gauntlet raised, repulsor glowing while his hand scanned the room. Coulson just stared numbly at the Pepsi can in his own hand.
Pepsi Man was nowhere to be found.
“What… what the hell was that!?” Tony’s eyes darted around the room, gauntlet still raised.
I slowly cracked open my Pepsi and took a sip.
“What, you’ve never seen Pepsi Man before?”
—Tony was a smart guy.
No, scratch that. He was the smartest guy.
Obviously, that meant there wasn’t much in the world he could look at and say he didn’t understand.
Even the weird laser-eyed kid and Spider-Man were just problems he hadn’t solved yet. He could at least grasp some of the why and how behind them. Given enough time and a little elbow grease, he could figure them out.
But maybe for the first time—ever—Tony had no idea where the hell he was supposed to start with this.
Tony eyed the can of Pepsi that had been physics-defyingly gifted to him by… a corporate mascot? He even vaguely remembered the game Pepsi Man came from, some weird thing from the 90s, though how the hell that translated into this was something he was still trying to wrap his head around.
The sheer craziness of it all seemed to be enough to baffle Coulson, too. The man simply stood there, staring at the duo.
The two of them had ended up sitting next to each other at the bar while Crazy Man A moved his girlfriend onto one of the clean couches. Honestly, Tony felt like he probably should have donned his suit and started blasting, but this was so weird it looped all the way back around into feeling almost safe.
Plus, there was the small AR display replaying the past ten minutes.
The appearance of Pepsi Man was baffling, of course, but even more interesting was Crazy Man A’s complete absence from the recording.
The mystery just kept on growing.
“Sorry about that.” Crazy Man A smiled as he sat down across from them.
“No clown masks this time?” Phil asked dryly.
“Ah… busted.” Crazy Man A rubbed the back of his neck. “Those were some unique circumstances.”
“…I see.”
Phil frowned while Crazy Man A chuckled nervously.
Tony just raised an eyebrow at the exchange.
“While that’s interesting and all.” Tony leaned his gauntleted elbow on the table. “An introduction would be nice, seeing as this is my tower.”
“Right… sorry about that.” He scratched his head. “I’m Jack, and over there is Anna. We came here to make a business proposal.”
“Really?” Tony motioned toward the ruined couch and broken window. “Gotta say, you’re the first person ever to ask me for a deal like this. Points for originality, kid.”
Jack, at least, had the decency to look embarrassed. He coughed into his hand.
“Sorry about that. I hadn’t really known he’d come through the window. Would you accept a token of apology?”
Tony really wanted to ask what the hell Pepsi Man even was, but he stopped himself as Jack pulled out a small brown pouch.
He was going to punch this guy if he handed him a goodie bag.
Jack slipped a hand into the pouch, and Tony was just about to scoff when his eyes widened.
An ingot nearly three times the size of the pouch slid free.
…How?
Some kind of sleight-of-hand trick, maybe, but no, that shouldn’t have…
“Here.” Jack smiled as he pushed the ingot across the table.
“Neat trick, but if you think a little—” Tony stopped the moment he picked it up.
He had long since memorized and studied nearly every form of metal in the world while trying to improve his armor. Tony could damn near recognize most elements by touch alone. That was how good he was.
But this...
He only recognized it from some of his dad’s old notes.
“Stark?” Coulson asked.
“Where did you get this?” Tony ignored him and stared straight into Jack’s eyes. “Do you have any idea how valuable this thing is?”
“Of course I do. Vibranium is perhaps the most expensive metal in the world.” The bastard just grinned as his hand dipped back into the pouch. “And if you’re willing to hear me out and help me, then…”
Tony’s eyes widened as more ingots appeared from the bag and were placed neatly on the table.
Dad had barely gotten enough to make a shield, but this…
Oh, the things he could make.
“I’m listening.” Tony chuckled as he grabbed another drink from the bar. “Speak your piece, magic man.”
“A little privacy would be appreciated.” Jack looked at Phil.
Mr. Agent frowned even more than usual and shot Tony a look.
“I’ll fill you in if he asks me to eat babies or something.” Tony waved a hand. “JARVIS, why don’t you lead Mr. Agent here to the sun lounge? Call Miguel from the massage clinic too. Get this man some relaxation.”
“Of course, sir.”
Phil just pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. Then he looked at Jack.
“Would a discussion afterward be fine?”
“Sure. A sitrep between the two of us would be nice.”
Phil nodded and left, following JARVIS’s instructions, which left Tony alone with the freaky-deaky enhanced human sitting within arm’s reach.
Truly, Tony was the epitome of good decision-making.
“Shoot, kid.” Tony grabbed his glass and took a sip, the alcohol barely slowing his grin. “What do you need from good old Iron Man? Now, I’m a pretty fair guy, and that much vibranium buys you a hell of a lot. Maybe your very own Iron Man suit?”
He’d never risk selling an actual Iron Man suit under normal circumstances, but for this much of that damn wonder material, he’d at least entertain the idea.
Plus, Tony could probably mock up a neutered design that would crash and burn the second anyone tried to copy it if needs be.
“Tempting, but no.” Jack shook his head. “I need a favor that only you can do.”
“Depends…” Tony gently set his glass down on the bar. “What are you asking for?”
“I need you to find a list of people and what they’re doing right now. Hack the city cameras, police databases, whatever you need. The whole nine yards. I need you to find them and give me that information.”
“And…” Tony leaned against the bar. “Do tell, what do you need that information for? Theoretically, say I did that, it’d be a pretty huge breach of the law and personal privacy. You know me. Big upholder of the law.”
“You respect the law?” Jack raised an eyebrow at him.
“I’ll have you know I’m an upstanding citizen.” Tony sniffed. “Do all my taxes, cross all my tees. Why, all my life—”
“Gulmira.”
“…I respect the good laws.” Tony scoffed. “And I’ll be frank. Hacking and stealing a bunch of people’s information doesn’t sound good at all. You’re gonna have to elaborate if you want this to go through, kid. I’m not bending on this, even for all the vibranium in the world.”
“Mr. Stark… what would you do if you knew the future?” Jack rested both hands on the table. “If you learned about a hundred different terrible things that might happen?”
Tony frowned.
His first instinct was to scoff. Anyone who claimed to see the future was a hoax. Except, well, this was coming from the guy who had already dropped a few impossibilities on his table, one of which was currently stacked in neat little vibranium ingots right in front of him.
“Stop it, obviously.”
“Right?” Jack nodded. “That’s all I’m doing, Mr. Stark. I know a lot of things, past and future, and I’m trying to use that to do some good.”
“…This is perhaps the craziest conversation I’ve ever had. I should laugh in your face.” Tony crossed his arms over his chest. “But I’ll give you one chance. Tell me something about me, Mr. All-Knowing. If not, forget it. I’ll buy the vibranium instead.”
“Anything…?” Jack tilted his head.
“Sure, but it’s not on me if you pick something stupid like my mom’s maiden name—”
“Don’t waste it. Don’t waste your life.”
The bar cracked as Tony’s gauntleted hand clenched around the edge like a vice.
He had never told anyone that. Some sort of trick–
“Those were Ho Yinsen’s last words to you,” Jack said quietly.
The words drove the final nail into the coffin.
Tony could only stare at the apparent goddamn oracle sitting across from him.
A long silence settled between them.
Jack winced.
“…I mean, you did say anything.”
Tony stared at him for another second.
Then he laughed.
A full, disbelieving belly laugh ripped out of him, because what else was he supposed to do? A man had broken into his tower, summoned Pepsi Man through a window, dumped a fortune in vibranium on his table, and then casually quoted the dying words of the man who had saved his life.
The only sane thing he could do was laugh.
Jack just blinked at him.
“Fine.” Tony dragged a hand down his face, still laughing despite himself. “Fine, magic man. I’ll help. But I want explanations. I want to know what you’re doing with this information, who you’re targeting, and when you plan on acting.”
Jack paused for a moment, then nodded.
“That’s fair.”
“Good.” Tony stood and offered him a hand. “Then congratulations, kid. You’ve just made what might be the weirdest and most profitable deal of my life.”
Jack took his hand, and they shook on it.
Tony’s eyes drifted back to the vibranium ingots, his grin widening.He’d need to make some adjustments to Mark VII’s blueprint.
“Want to make another?” Jack smiled impishly.
“Oh?” Tony reached for his glass. “I’ll always take more vibranium.”
Jack shook his head.
“Not vibranium this time. Information.”
Tony paused.
Jack leaned forward slightly and whispered conspiratorially, like he was some kind of car salesman.
“Do you know what’s going on with SHIELD? Or any other future secrets you might be interested in?” Jack spread his hands. “One-time deal. Secrets from the future, just for some cash.”
Tony stared at him.
Then he laughed again, grabbed the bottle, and poured another drink.
“You know what, kid?” Tony slid the glass across the bar toward Jack. “I’m starting to think this is going to be a very profitable friendship.”
***
GAHHHH! OPTIMUM I SHALL HAVE YOUR LIFE!I need a better internet provider, smh.
Sorry for the late folks