When I went to sleep in the wake of Knight Thalor's showing, I already felt the faint stirrings of something lingering just beyond my grasp.
And when I woke up to what I could arguably describe as an inexhaustible [Will] to resume my Essence development, the source of that earlier sensation became considerably clearer.
Not yet three years old, but already experiencing my first Tier 3 Aspect advancement.
What's more, my first Tier 3 Aspect advancement was for an Aspect at the edge of being considered a First Order Aspect, the [Will] Aspect.
Rejoicing in the initiation of this advancement having manifested itself in a pseudo-semblance of endless [Will] rather than a [Void] of it, in which case I did not know if even [Guided]'s urging would have been enough to get me out of bed, I lifted my blanket and jumped right out of bed with a practical push of my hands.
Followed by a beat of my wings, I was soon ignoring gravity and felt giddy at the very idea of resuming my [Cultivation].
Beyond that, I also wanted...
To immediately head for the training grounds to start circling the likes of Knight Thalor for hours on end, all just to prove I had the [Will] to keep going for as long as I wanted until I defeated them.
To enter the Red Sand Realm and track down the Order's expedition to show them how things should be done according to all the hundreds of books on organization I read.
To read everything contained within the document repository, uncovering all that ever occurred with the Faith's logistics in the last century, revealing how lazy and ineffective everyone else was.
To immediately get started with the undoubtedly very Essence development-intensive process that my [Vitality] [Cultivation] promised to be.
To stop sleeping altogether, even if the price for it would be for my Essence entering a state of Essence volatility...
That's how I was feeling right now.
It felt like my [Will] was actively stoking all my [Ambition]s at the same time, from the most wildly unrealistic to the immediately attainable ones, with little regard for whether I actually possessed the time and energy to pursue them all simultaneously.
Before I could self-impose a measure of realism upon myself, however, [Guided] weighed in through the scorching haze of my blazing [Ambition]s by reminding me to go through my morning communion prior to starting anything.
The idea of interrupting my momentum to sit down feeling like a betrayal of my [Ideal]s for reasons I couldn't fathom, I settled on a compromise.
A deep, airborne communion.
It was such a ridiculous idea that I could scarcely believe I actually went through with it.
Even more absurdly, [Guided] allowed it.
After a minute of gliding through the air while communing rather ineffectively with my Essence, [Guided] apparently judged the attempt sufficiently legitimate to count for something.
As if I had somehow accomplished what the communion had been intended to achieve in the first place...
Then, to my contradictory relief, the leniency ended.
[Guided] promptly and rather forcefully directed me back toward my bed, where I was instructed to sit down and [Focus] on my self-[Awareness] until I regained some semblance of spiritual [Harmony].
My [Will] was appalled by this, making me feel like I was being disciplined like one of those newly inducted children who had yet to learn how to behave within the civilized confines of the Prime Temple.
I nearly refused, only for my entire Essence to instantly rebel at the idea of refusing to follow through with what [Guided] was telling me to do, which had the effect of the equivalent of a big pile of sand being poured onto a small metal fire, instantly smothering it.
Once my [Will] stopped urging me to get on with my [Cultivation], I landed back down on my bed to proceed with a self-[Awareness] [Focus] session that ended up lasting however long [Guided] decided was necessary.
With my mind momentarily un-taken over by my [Will], I then went through my morning communion as I ought to, my uninterrupted and timeless [Focus] allowing me to delve to the deepest part of my existence.
There, the evidence of my [Will] Aspect undergoing its Tier 3 Aspect advancement became impossibly damning.
From the pronounced localized warpings to the immense billowings surrounding everything that touched upon my [Will] Aspect, every sign of the advancement disorder was only further magnified by its sheer scale relative to what I experienced before.
For an Aspect advancement that should have just commenced, it seriously felt like one that was ending.
And considering a Tier 3 Aspect advancement ought to take at least a couple of days...
Ending my communion when [Guided] instructed me to, I quickly gathered that, having failed to display my usual level of reliability, it was not yet prepared to let me leave my room.
Instead, I was directed to construct the most excruciatingly intricate [Cultivation] [Cycle] I could.
An [Exertion] that required the extensive application of my [Will] to enhance all of my [Focus], my [Awareness], and my [Cultivation] [Cycle].
As it turned out, being under the impression that whatever I put my [Will] into, I could and would achieve, wasn't exactly as accurate as I assumed.
Not that even following sixteen attempts gone horribly wrong, all being effectively worse than my best hyper-convoluted [Cultivation] [Cycle]s, my Essence or my mind really took notice.
It was really [Guided] alone that seemed immune to whatever my Tier 3 Aspect advancement disorder was engendering in me.
Even addled by the senseless [Confidence] my advancing [Will] Aspect was generating, I was able to recognize that.
Not that this realization diminished in any way the frustration that came alongside [Guided] telling me to remain seated and construct a finicky [Cultivation] [Cycle], with my energy increasingly nearing the peak of what I could hold.
When instead of liberating all that energy in the form of [Will] healing through a quick pass at the infirmary, [Guided] didn't budge on what it wanted me to do and simply commanded me to intensify my various [Will]-enhancements...
I felt it as clear as when I touched upon the concept of [Clarity].
Frustration.
Irritation.
Dissatisfaction at being confined to my room, when there was so much for me to do.
Weakly, my [Will] attempted to break free from the hold [Guided] maintained over my very existence, but all it accomplished was further reveal its present anomalous nature.
In the end, the conflict left me in a genuinely paradoxical state.
I found myself both [Will]ing to ignore [Guided]'s voice for the first time and, simultaneously, regarded the very notion of ignoring what [Guided] instructed me to do as thoroughly inane.
Yet, no matter how incomprehensible this conflict was, I was unable to solve it.
The grip of my [Will] Aspect taken in the midst of its Tier 3 advancement disorder wasn't growing any weaker the longer I was caught in this baffling conflict, it simply...
Remained as is.
[Guided] wanted me to construct the most mind-bogglingly complex [Cultivation] [Cycle] I could while maintaining my inner [Harmony].
My [Will] wanted me to break free and do a hundred different things that would further my Path.
Two voices telling me contradictory elements, each demanding precedence over the other.
Yet, from the deepest layers of my existence, came the impossible certainty that both were entirely, absolutely correct.
That was...
The best [Harmony] [Cultivation] opportunity I could ever ask for.
Like a fuse having been lit, this sudden and unexpected [Insight] sent both my [Will] and [Guided] into a precipitous frenzy for the better part of half a minute before coming apart once again.
The difference was, however, that this time [Guided] stopped urging me to construct my [Cultivation] [Cycle] in favor of giving precedence over maintaining my inner [Harmony] through the conflict of interest.
Like a fuse suddenly catching fire
Like a random document from the repository suddenly clicking into place, this sudden and unexpected [Insight] sent both my [Will] and [Guided] into a brief but turbulent turmoil, the two reconciling in [Harmony] for the better of half a minute before separating once more.
This time, however, something had changed.
Not my [Will].
My [Will] simply told me to forcefully reconcile myself with myself through sheer [Determination].
[Guided], on the other hand, now wanted me to prioritize the preservation of my inner [Harmony] amidst the ongoing conflict of self-interests.
And the way it accomplished that was really the most infuriating one it could have come up with.
It ordered me to stop constructing my [Cultivation] [Cycle], and...
Stand still.
Absolutely still.
Do nothing.
My [Will] was instantly revolted at the idea of standing still and doing nothing, but [Guided]'s commands remained as absolute as ever.
As I personally lived through this conflict, I found myself wondering what would occur on the day my Essence was corrupted and a fragment of my Origin Aspect turned against me.
Would it resemble what I was braving right now?
Two undeniably correct voices urging me to follow through with two completely different paths?
According to the Two Laws Essence Doctrine, such a day would inevitably come to pass.
And now that I was getting an inkling of what I supposed it would be like, more than ever, I understood precisely why I needed to form the [Harmony] and [Purity] Aspects before it did.
My newfound [Conviction], as it turned out, rippled through my [Will] over the minutes I spent untangling this bit of [Insight] from my inner dissonance, and soon enough...
I successfully convinced an insignificant part of even my supremely stubborn and warped [Will] that my sustained existence was of a higher priority than developing my Essence and forging my Path.
Relatively, that was.
But that's what [Harmony] was about, wasn't it?
The concept of [Harmony] was not about agreement.
It wasn't even about reconciliation in the ordinary sense.
[Harmony], as understood, did not concern itself with the complete absence of contradiction.
[Harmony], plainly, enforced coexistence of irreconcilable truths without collapse.
[Harmony] did not require my [Will] to stop being divided in its many purposes.
Nor did [Harmony] require my [Will] to stop manifesting itself as what it ought to be, conflictual as the final result might be.
My Essence being in [Harmony] should mean I was capable of holding both sides of a conflict of interest in the same instant without allowing either to erase or supplant the other if both sides were correct.
To let two valid imperatives persist without forcing one into dominance through exhaustion or denial.
To endure internal plurality without allowing it to degrade into paralysis.
That...
That was [Harmony] as this conflict allowed me to see.
It was not [Balance].
It was [Tolerance].
The capacity for contradiction to exist within the same system without triggering systemic failure.
If my Essence were a battlefield contested by [Guided] and my [Will], then [Harmony] would not be peace.
[Harmony] would be a regulator, an uninvolved third party akin to a neutral logistical faction devoted not to victory, but to the [Ideal] of continuity.
An element whose purpose was not to end the conflict, but to ensure both sides could continue waging it without destabilizing the whole, so long as their actions remained even narrowly aligned with my Path.
The deeper I delved into the tangible repercussions [Harmony] ought to have while enduring through the incessant pull of two parts of my existence toward opposing extremes, the more clearly I began to grasp something, however faint and insubstantial it was.
Until the first throes of exhaustion started creeping in, muddying my mind and lowering a veil over my [Awareness] and [Insight]s.
I had just spent all day in my room... doing nothing.
My [Will] abhorred that it happened, and wanted nothing more than seeing me prove to myself I could endure through the rest of the week without succumbing to the call of sleep.
[Guided] ordered me to go to sleep.
I... accepted both sides.
Or I tried.
It was impossible.
But I tried.
I lay down in my bed that I hadn't left all day, emptied my mind of any concern I had, stopped seeking [Comprehension] of what the Tier 3 Aspect advancement disorder was doing to my [Will] Aspect and me, ceased to reach for [Insight]s relevant to the concept of [Harmony]...
And accepted both [Guided]'s decree and my [Will]'s objection to it.
I did not attempt to rationalize each against the other.
I did not seek to reconcile one with the other through whichever commonalities they shared.
I simply accepted both for what they were.
My Essence.
Myself.
From that point onward, even my [Awareness] failed to keep track of the passing time.
I simply lay there, surrounded by [Darkness], the background [Cultivation] I habitually maintained rendering all of my time-sensitive biological activities extraneous.
I did not need to sustain myself with air.
I did not need to sustain myself with paste.
I did not need to excrete all the unneeded and noxious elements my body naturally produced.
I did not need to do... anything.
In a curious way, lying there, internalizing my Essence's conceptual conflict while my [Cultivation]—itself an integral part of my Essence—went out of its way to sustain me without being impacted in any way...
It felt like an echo of what [Harmony] was about.
A detached echo.
Irrelevant to what I was doing.
Irrelevant to what I was thinking.
Irrelevant to what I was consuming.
So long as I allowed myself to be in [Harmony] with... myself, then my [Cultivation] had the potential to make it all, my Essence, me, inconsequential and irrelevant to the grand scheme that was my Path.
It was such a convoluted and self-contradictory way of thinking about it, but despite that...
The moment I recognized and assimilated this abstract perspective of what role [Harmony] played in my existence, something finally clicked...
For my [Cultivation], that was.
One instant, a non-insignificant part of my existence was dedicated to the maintenance of a most basic [Cultivation] [Cycle] purposed to sustain my physical vessel, the next...
My [Cultivation] as if took a life on its own.
It remained exactly the same.
I knew I was still in absolute control of it.
But the mental load it always inflicted upon me as the price to be preserved was so suddenly reduced to near nothing that it felt like... it plainly wasn't even there anymore.
My mind was telling me I had stopped dedicating sufficient [Focus] to my [Cultivation] to preserve it.
My [Awareness] was informing me my [Cultivation] was still going exactly as I desired, taking in all manners of elements from the surrounding air to sustain me while expelling everything coursing through my body that served no purpose.
If my mind hadn't been so inundated by [Harmony]-related [Insight]s, reconciling both sides would have been an utter torment lasting a couple of minutes.
Instead, by layering such an unforeseen conflict on top of everything I was already meditating on, it acted like a triggering force that forced all my thoughts to harmonize for a second.
And that's when everything decided to become irrationally evident.
The previous contradictions that warred incessantly through my Essence ceased to feel like errors.
They weren't resolved.
They weren't erased.
Nothing fundamentally changed, yet everything functionally shifted.
The conflicts did not disappear.
I simply started to perceive them as [One].
Wanting to both sleep and not.
Insufficiently [Focus]ing on my [Cultivation], yet it doing exactly what it was meant to achieve.
Possessing an overwhelming desire to actuate my [Will], yet finding complete acceptance in [Guided]'s inaction.
I was now observing the conflicts without participating in them, and that despite being the very battlefield upon which they unfolded.
Because...
Aspect Formed: [Harmony] (Tier 0)
...so long as it was within myself, no contradictions or conflicts of interest would truly be what they appeared to be.
They would merely be another Aspect of my Path awaiting deeper [Comprehension] and further [Cultivation].
It was all me.
Every impulse.
Every disagreement.
Every competing desire.
And I would be damned if I ever allowed one part of myself to hinder another.
Especially now that I had formed an Aspect whose very purpose was to ensure that my existence, my Essence, my Path, my purpose, and every other constituent of my being remained in [Harmony].
Thinking about it, still feeling lightheaded from whatever upheaval was rippling through my Essence, I drifted into my long-overdue pre-sleep communion.
My [Will] Aspect, undergoing its Tier 3 advancement with undiminished intensity, was the first major shift I discerned, as was expected.
Right alongside it, however, I swiftly perceived the residual ripples from the formation of a new Aspect.
Ripples that had only compounded the instability.
And as if that were not enough, every facet of my existence connected to my [Cultivation] Aspect had begun to stir with unusual agitation.
My [Cultivation] Aspect was advancing.
It was a wonderful mess.
The [Harmony] Aspect, offering me my first genuine defense against Essence corruption.
The [Cultivation] Aspect, finally advancing and promising to elevate my Essence development efficiency by another order of magnitude.
A wonderful mess, indeed...
One I did not want to contend with while my mind was clouded by exhaustion and my slowly permeating [Harmony], subtly reshaping the very structure of my thought.
[Guided] offered me a most natural out.
I accepted it without hesitation, and allowed myself to drift into the serene [Darkness] of sleep, refusing to dwell on the consequences these developments might—would—have upon my Essence.
Those were contemplations best left for my future self.