Four days of rest, interspersed with research into the [Mystery] Aspect, [Insight]-seeking through the memories I had gained access to, and further refining my plans for a third—and probably final—attempt at the disjointed neurons hypothesis method, and I was finally ready.
A day prior, I convened with Lorekeeper Avenorium, informed him of when I booked a private ward at the infirmary again, and also used the opportunity to ask him pointed questions pertaining to the [Mystery] Aspect he suggested I learn about.
For an Aspect nearly entirely conceptualized around neither seeking the [Truth] nor [Knowledge], but simply the absence of them, I had to admit I had been [Guided] towards something fascinating.
It would not solve any of my present troubles were I to form it right here and now, that was for sure, but from the few practical examples I found about its usage by fellow Seekers, solving issues wasn't the primary reason one formed such an Aspect in the first place.
The [Mystery] Aspect was intended for when one found their Path barred by a seemingly impassable obstacle.
For—and it was a sentence that truly struck something of a chord in me—only when one accepted that the Path ahead was veiled in [Mystery], could one stop seeking answers and begin seeking the questions that mattered.
That was the sort of esoteric piece of writing that truly inspired me to delve further into it.
In the end, in my case, if all else failed and my [Insight] that translated into the theoretical [Guided] Essence [Cultivation] was obligated to return to [Darkness], then instead of giving up, I would have one last...
Answer?
No, not really.
The [Mystery] Aspect was not, in any way, shape, or form, a solution or an answer to anything.
Forming the [Mystery] Aspect was an acknowledgment of my failing in exchange for an extremely long shot at finding enlightenment through asking the likes of the gaps in my own [Comprehension] or the unknown at the core of my Aspects' concepts.
It wouldn't be pretty.
It wouldn't be easy.
It could take years, decades, or even centuries, according to the most far-fetched records of Essence Entities who had to resort to forming the [Mystery] Aspect before solving whatever hurdle blocked them from advancing their Paths.
No results were guaranteed.
Nevertheless, if it came down to it, were I to resort to the [Mystery] Aspect as my ultimate resort, I would at least part with the [Insight] of [Guided] Essence [Cultivation] knowing I tried everything, and it was truly a foolish, impossible, unreal attainment.
"Alright, disjointed neurons hypothesis, third attempt commencing," I eventually announced after we got settled and I swiftly went over the refined and optimized design of my disjointed neurons hypothesis method one ultimate time.
"Go ahead," Lorekeeper Avenorium confirmed his readiness.
Just like that, the third and probably last attempt for this approach method was on.
Either I would unearth memories that could assist me in making [Guided] Essence [Cultivation] a reality one way or another, or the genesis of my Origin Aspect would remain clouded in [Mystery].
I [Will]ed to relive my memories of the whispers.
My energy poured into my mind like a pierced sand bucket.
The [Warmth] and the [Cold] returned, and alongside them...
The whispers.
Knowing exactly what I sought, I started reliving an uncountable number of them, but didn't let my [Harmony] and [Insight] sift through them, waiting to be overwhelmed.
I was doing all this for one reason and one reason only.
Acquire [Insight]s on an [Exertion] that was unique to [Guided].
The memories of my embryonic self were interesting, most certainly, but I had neither the means nor the interest to make anything of them yet.
Maybe one day it would be different, but today was not that day.
By the time no more memories of whispers emerged no matter how much I [Will]ed them to arise, three-quarters of my energy was gone.
Then, after giving my mind and brain some time to adjust under such a strain, I began the next step of the most efficient solution I came up with to discover the traces of a plausible [Guided]-exclusive [Exertion].
I [Will]ed for [Guided] to reenact everything.
Every whisper.
Every inaudible, intangible, imperceptible command.
While doing that, I slipped into the deepest and most intimate communion I could manage, not sparing a drop of my energy when it came to elevating my [Focus], [Awareness], [Insight], and [Harmony] Aspects, which all had the potential of catching something the others may not.
That was why this was presumably my last attempt.
Because whether I found something or not, I would have squeezed everything I could from this method.
Stubbornly insisting beyond that point would be stepping into [Perfection] territory.
And [Perfection] didn't belong in reality.
At least not in my reality.
Yet.
The remainder of my energy evaporated away in what felt like a second as all of my relevant Aspects happily partook in feasting upon it, [Guided] included, which began whispering to me instructions spoken in the language of [Mystery].
Was my mind not to have been filled to the brim with memories of whispers, I would have summarily ignored every word of it like the meaning-filled gibberish it was, [Focus]ing solely on how those directions influenced my Essence...
This wasn't such an [Ideal] world.
My body wanted to react to each and every command, like disobeying would only further cause the [Cold] to loom over my existence.
It was such a [Paradox], really.
Knowing it wasn't real, yet having my very Essence telling me it was.
What's more, I couldn't react at all in fear of causing any manner of undue Essence development, throwing the entire attempt off.
As [Guided] kept on uttering word after word suffused with meanings I was quasi-certain could be weaponized one way or another into a mental or spiritual offensive method of sorts, things started unfolding the way I imagined and planned for.
[Guided] was doing what I [Will]ed it to, and I was relegated to something approaching an external observer.
A very [Focus]ed one that wouldn't allow a single eddy to escape its [Awareness].
In due turn of events, when the natural energy coursing through my existence began faltering in sustaining my [Will], [Ambition] took over in a thrilling, blazing flare.
Having had four days to work on my self-[Awareness] of the consequences of carrying out something like that, I was now very cognizant of the real necessity to not allow my feelings to guide my decisions.
Last time, a single, barely hour-long [Ambition] [Cultivation] session had caused the equivalent of something along the lines of sixteen hours of active [Cultivation].
If I resorted to my revised daily Essence development quota that imposed a soft limit of two to three hours of active [Cultivation] per day, excluding an hour-long margin for extra [Cultivation], to evaluate it...
A single [Ambition] [Cultivation] session easily brought about from a week to half a week of idle downtime as a direct aftermath.
And that was without having pushed such a session to the point of my physical vessels shutting down from the strain.
Something which was a real possibility during this attempt, as I had no intention of stopping until [Guided] went through all my memories of whispers two times over—for certitude's sake.
That meant not only bearing the exponentially increasing burden imposed by my [Ambition] as I used it to fuel [Guided]'s reenactment...
But also bearing the burden to maintain my absolute [Focus] along with the full function of my cognitive faculties throughout the whole process...
Barely a quarter of the whisper memories in, the weight of my [Ambition] already felt outrageously high enough to make me doubt the conceivability of what I was doing.
Worse, [Guided] couldn't simultaneously support me while also reenacting with perfect exactitude the whispers my embryonic self heard that ultimately motivated me to form [Guided] as my Origin Aspect.
Thus...
For realistically the first time ever in such circumstances...
I was on my own.
My sole [Will] to endure was the figurative shortest plank of my bucket of [Ambition]—whatever it was that my deluding mind was coming up with to cope with the all-encompassing burden that originated from my own Essence, which I was presently in deep communion with.
That... was the best arrangement I devised.
And I doubted if I had dwelled on it for another four days, I would have crafted a better one.
Making [Guided] reenact my whisper memories once during this attempt, and then again during a fourth attempt, or in part here, and in adjusted portions subsequently...
That would only further compromise my already untrust[Worthy] [Awareness] of my own Essence, as by that point, my Essence was being subjected to several overlapping distortions at once.
From the blazing fire that my active [Ambition] caused...
To the seemingly indiscriminate fluctuations triggered by [Guided]'s whisper memories reenactment...
To the [Warmth]-[Cold] memories I was holding onto due to them being associated with the whispers battering away at my [Focus]...
I couldn't imagine what Lorekeeper Avenorim must be perceiving through his [Assessment] of my Essence, if he was even discerning anything at all.
Still, at least this was an opportunity to prove Stavros's [Worthy]ness spiel correct.
My Origin Aspect may define me, and I may perceive myself as an extension of my Origin Aspect, but in the [Harmony] we birthed together, we each had a role to play.
[Guided] was to ensure my Essence was steered in the correct direction.
Mine was to uphold this steering against all that may perturb it.
Mine was to look far ahead and hold true to that course.
As for resisting every influence that sought to lead me astray or pursuing unknown [Insight] that had the potential to revolutionize my Path, we accomplished that as one, in [Harmony].
And now, for the first time, it fell entirely to me to keep my bearing without [Guided] constantly assuring me that I was headed in the right direction.
I had no other way of defining what I was going through as anything other than the absolute worst.
Every fiber of my being was as if in utter dis[Harmony] with what I wanted to do.
Halfway through the hundreds of memories of whispers I intended to relive, I truly began doubting.
It should not be that heavy.
I could not be the sole issue here.
I reached for too much.
I should reevaluate my plan...
Faced with such overwhelming, abnormal odds, I truly had no choice but to divert [Guided] from its endless reenactment.
It... urged me to persevere on and make it resume its reenactments.
I didn't know how long it took me to process this command, but by the time I was done, [Guided] was already back to reenacting whispers, and I...
I felt like I could persevere a bit more?
Yes.
I felt like I could.
Except... I couldn't right before I called upon [Guided] to ask for guidance on how to proceed now that the plan was failing.
That's why I did it, even with full [Awareness] of what it meant for this attempt.
But now... I could persevere.
Most of my cognitive capabilities may be [Focus]ed on observing my Essence, but it didn't take more than my noticing this single discrepancy to start puzzling things out.
Doubting was not in my nature.
Hence, my doubts could reasonably only have arisen from two places.
My memories.
My [Ambition] Aspect.
Bearing in mind the source of what caused me to doubt, while it wasn't absolute, the root of what caused doubts to creep into my mind could scarcely have been more obvious.
The weight of my [Ambition] was straining me in ways I had never experienced before.
And among those new ways was a tendency to foster doubt, subtle enough to pass unnoticed until it had already taken root.
Or perhaps that was the wrong way to look at it.
Perhaps [Ambition] did not create faults.
Perhaps its burden was simply so immense that every flaw, however minor, ended up being subjected to enough pressure to widen into a crack.
The reason I had never discovered that before was equally obvious.
[Guided] had never allowed such cracks to exist in the first place.
Because by being [Guided], I never allowed even the most subtle flaw to appear.
That was...
Pathetic?
My first thought was that it was pathetic.
My second thought went to justifications, explanations.
My third thought...
It was something indescribable.
Anger mixed with frustration.
Determination mingling with frustration.
Acceptance...
...combined with a conflagration of retribution.
My name, Solaena.
My Path.
My Essence.
My plan.
My [Will].
My Origin Aspect...
Nearly all forsaken by something as wretched, vile, and worthless as doubts.
No way.
I refused.
I decided right there and then.
I promised right there and then.
Even if my mind crumbled.
Even if it broke my body.
I would sooner grind every fragment of my being into rust powder than permit doubt to dictate the course of my Path ever again.
For doubts were no different from laziness and idleness.
And I would prove here and now that such flaws had no place on my Path.
The weight of my [Ambition] felt unbearably heavy?
No matter, there would always be something heavy enough to make me feel that way.
I couldn't have possibly come up with a perfect plan after a mere four days of reflection?
Irrelevant, I was doing it.
This was a pointless endeavor?
Wrong, this was another step of my Path.
Like that, without permitting a single slip of my [Focus], I scrutinized every wavering and fluctuation of my Essence until [Guided] reenacted three-quarters of all my memories of whispers.
I had endured half again of what I already endured and judged to be unbearable.
I didn't bother [Will]ing my doubts away.
It was now plain as the Red Sand Realm Rift's light from the Red Desert that the only reason they existed was because my [Ambition] Aspect was forcing them into being.
Thus, I wouldn't even allow my [Harmony] Aspect to waste energy on dealing with them.
If I didn't allow myself to [Will] my mind and body relieved from the weight of my [Ambition], why should doubts receive a different treatment?
From three-quarters of my memories of whispers, one unerringly accurate reenactment at a time, [Guided] efficiently and unavoidably clambered towards the end of its first passage.
Nevertheless, even when the transition finally happened and the first reenacted memories began being repeated once more, I did not allow myself to feel relief.
Relief was only good for lowering [Focus].
I couldn't accept that.
Thereby, with my [Ambition] bringing about increasingly unbearable consequences that were becoming ever more inequivalent to what it was empowering me to achieve, I persevered.
In some way, enduring with the [Awareness] that I would not give up until either my own Essence forsook me or I acquired all the data I could ever want for [Guided] to later peruse to uncover what could have caused even a sliver of Essence activity uncoupled with no Essence development whatsoever...
It felt like how it did when I had [Guided] steering my Path.
Unstoppable.
Unyielding.
Relentless.
Without laziness.
Without doubt.
My Path.
Like so, one-sixteenth of my memories of whispers were reenacted for a second time.
This one-sixteenth then became one-eighth.
Then this one-eight transformed into one-quarter, and before I noticed, one-half.
It felt like something in me was dying in exchange for the price my [Ambition] was imposing.
But I promised.
And so this one-half advanced to three-quarters.
It did not matter that I wasn't sure what it was that my [Awareness] and [Insight] were picking up by that point.
It mattered that I was still doing it when everything was telling me I should have stopped long ago.
As [Guided] uncompromisingly advanced towards a full reenactment of every one of the whisper memories I uncovered for the second time, nothing else mattered.
Somewhere along this intransigent surge for the end of this third and final attempt, I felt my [Cultivation] unravel, and my body stop answering.
That, too, was irrelevant.
Because I was still conscious.
Because for all the excruciating burden that made me feel like I was dying, my Essence still allowed me to go on.
This...
All of this...
This was simply another form of [Cultivation].
A higher form of [Cultivation].
A [Cultivation] of my true self.
Without [Guided].
Until eventually...
I felt [Guided] return to my side.
Shortly followed by a command to quit my state of hyper-[Focus]ed hyper-[Awareness].
[Darkness] was all that followed.
◇ ◈ ◈ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◈ ◈ ◇
"She's gonna be the end of me one day," I heard Archivist Trius mumble, though I doubted such words were reserved for his sole [Mind] as he kept an attentive [Examination] honed onto the patient that was causing him to say such words.
On my part, I contented myself with holding my [Assessment], the sole window between my [Mind] and a boiling sea of frenzied [Ambition] wreaking havoc within a two-year-old Essence Entity.
Truth be told, I wasn't quite sure what to think of what I was perceiving.
Be it the whispers or the incompatible memories formed during what I suspected to be her early embryonic development stage, they were only, at best, as fascinating as the being who manifested them into existence in the first place.
Lost in their research, too many Seekers ended up losing sight of what truly made up the foundation of existence, along with how this foundation manifested on a scale we could actually comprehend given sufficient dedication.
Essence Entities
It was all about Essence Entities.
I pitied those who ventured into avenues of research the likes of Essence evolution or Essence genesis, when they themselves failed to uphold the foundation of their [Mind].
A true Seeker was an Essence Entity who did not uphold limitations as an inherent Aspect they had to abide by.
Because just like the baby fairy before me was demonstrating, limitations were but safety margins waiting to be taken down when the opportunity arose.
"Is she still on, Lorekeeper Avenorium?" Archivist Trius inquired, his [Examination] unfortunately unable to assist him in ascertaining little Solaena's situation beyond that she was inflicting upon herself as a result of her negligent overreach.
Well, at least with the major shifts transpiring, I had a bit of good news to deliver to him.
"Her [Ambition] effectively ceased to sustain her fourteen seconds ago," I explained to him in terms he could understand.
"Couldn't you have reported that when..."
As he resumed his pointless rambling alongside his expert healing, I failed to hold onto a sliver of disappointment from seeing an Essence Entity with as much potential as Archivist Trius be held back by so-called necessities.
He would be wise to take a page from Solaena's book and begin making arrangements for a move to a more developed Sector.
There was no more [Knowledge] to learn about or opportunities for him to pursue in this one, after all.
Oh well, mayhaps his Path was taking him to not require access to greater opportunities, just like I made mine to be.
Such changes came at great costs, however, so truly, I couldn't see him opting for such foolishness without his Path already showing a propensity for it.
"...there she goes. Stupid [Cultivation] and her obsession with ceasing her physiological needs when they're perfectly fine. And look at that, brain off to a better place, and still her body can't help being all messed up..."
Judging his words to be a mix of rant and a teaching opportunity for the few aides not knowing what to do with their hands when one of their fingers was already voluminous enough to make up for an eighth of their patient's body, I completely disregarded them.
Instead, now that little Solaena wasn't here to protect her stash of [Knowledge], and I wasn't required to maintain my [Assessment], I gleefully helped myself to one of her notebooks.
One whose perfect calligraphy informed me had been entitled "The [Faith] Of Solaena" by its author.
A truly intriguing title that left no doubt as to its content, as Solena never ceased to hide the entirety of the Faith's personnel with her unparalleled and exemplary honesty that pushed [Truth]fulness to such a seemingly naive and innocent extreme as to feel calculated.
Maybe it was.
Maybe it wasn't.
Whether it was or wasn't, by the time her integrity and the social influence that resulted from it started pushing into noteworthy territories, she wouldn't be here for me to have to pay the price for them.
Flipping through the pages to absorb the [Knowledge] they contained, the maturity and thoroughness of her planning once more surprised me despite having been exposed to it a hundred times over by that point.
Her Origin Aspect had truly made her into something rare enough for me to have yet to encounter one in the flesh.
I read about Essence Entities like her, though.
Alleged prodigies, geniuses, miracle creators, sources of endless wonder...
If I once doubted their existence before, then now, if not utterly convinced, then I was at least willing to believe a confluence of factors could come together to give birth to something that no other Essence Entities could equal without similarly unique circumstances coming to alter their foundation.
Who—or rather what—else could possibly advance the likes of a [Will] Aspect to Tier 3 in two short years, add an Aspect like [Ambition] on top of it, and then employ it at Tier 0 to cause what I genuinely wished to describe as an Essence-shattering disorder?
I truly wanted to pick her [Mind] apart to understand how she could possibly achieve something like that.
Unfortunately, lacking the tools to carry out such intrusive research, I had to content myself with glimpsing her [Mind] through her writings.
An alternative that could prove itself even more effective in the right hands.
For instance, my hands.
Reading about how she intended to form the [Inspiration] first, followed by the [Exemplar] Aspect, just like she claimed so proudly...
Finding out how far ahead she planned while still being reasonable about adapting to changing circumstances...
Bearing in [Mind] what she achieved as a logistics auditor who unearthed even the most systemized corruption naturally arising from an institution that bent to the rules of Civilization like any other...
Raising my head to take in her bloodied form with my eyes, the dissonance between her youth, small physique, prodigious [Mind], and the Essence that drove it all, was truly hard to accept.
Where would I be, where would my Path be, if I had but a sliver of the [Will] she just displayed with one of her experiments that didn't even matter in the grand scheme of things?
Maybe...
It was worth considering forming the [Faith] Aspect to support such an Essence Entity while it was still in its infancy.
With the degree of [Inspiration] she caused in even the likes of me, and with her plan already being underway, it was arguably and realistically only a matter of time—at best a decade—before the foundation of her Faith came into existence.
And it was established [Knowledge] that the earlier one began dedicating their [Faith] to an Essence Entity before it truly came into power, the greater the returns.
I wasn't actually that [Knowledge]able on [Faith] matters, but with such an opportunity presenting itself, I would be foolish to ignore it, even if only for the sake of providing my own flair of advice to Solaena.
How intriguing it was that not even the likes of my Path were immune to being warped by the tangible rise of Essence Entities I would otherwise summarily ignore.
I assumed pragmatism wasn't really a trait that could be removed from Essence Entities who had integrated themselves with Civilization.
Taking another look at the physical vessel of the Essence Entity responsible for stirring so many thoughts within my ordinarily imperturbable [Mind], I found my gaze lingering longer than reason strictly required.
Not because it held any secrets, though.
Following such an exhaustive [Assessment], there was scarcely a single aspect of her biology left unknown to me, from the optimized structure of her musculature to the pathways through which she circulated her [Cultivation].
And yet...
The sight remained captivating.
The physical vessel before me was a monument to efficiency.
Not one of her contours existed without purpose.
Every fiber of her being was streamlined toward function.
Every heartbeat carried with it the effortless precision of a system operating exactly as intended.
More remarkable still was how her body was dealing with the damage she inflicted upon herself.
Archivist Trius had accomplished his duty as healer, halting right after pulling Solaena away from having her vitals endangered, that was it.
That meant that same body that had been pushed beyond reasonable limits, torn apart by strains no biology should have been expected to endure...
Was instinctively engaging in the quiet miracle of repairing itself, rebuilding ruptured tissue, restoring damaged vessels, and reclaiming ground from injuries that would have crippled lesser beings for weeks or months.
To witness such relentless self-correction in action was, admittedly, difficult to ignore.
And as an aside, though her notebook made no mention of it, the combination of her iridescent wings, pale opalescent hair, unblemished skin, and almost impossibly refined physique...
That could hardly be considered detrimental to any following she might one day seek to cultivate.
How captivating... indeed.