Nothing really makes sense anymore.
Time, however, doesn’t care about that.
His work goes on, he sees Jimin on almost a daily basis; run bts shoots, in the studio, for dance practice, interviews, photoshoots.
On the surface it all looks normal. It’s eerie how good Jimin is at pretending; the playful Jeongguk-ssii, the laughing, the shoulder touch. However, when the cameras turn off, Jimin’s smile drops too.
No gentle eyes, no subtle touches, no joking around on set. Jimin strictly talks to the other members, leaves him in the dark.
The contrast is so big, he finds himself craving camera time, craving shoots just so Jimin looks at him, just so Jimin smiles at him, talks to him. Even if it’s all a facade, it’s better than nothing at all.
It’s excruciating. He’s never really noticed just how much he relied on Jimin, how much he takes up of his social life. He thought he spent time equally among the other 6 members but now that Jimin doesn’t talk to him he can say Jimin took about 50% of his time.
Now that’s just time he spends contemplating what to do.
He needs to talk to Jimin, he knows that much, there needs to be some sort of conversation but everything he can come up with just ends the same: we can’t be anything more than friends.
On top of that, Jimin doesn’t even reply to his texts, so how can he even get him apart for a conversation anyway? Even harmless texts like: where are we meeting for the shoot today? get answered with: ask manager
The only other time Jimin has ever been this distant to him was during that one fight on that rainy day. That’s the only time. And that didn’t even last longer than a few hours because he just couldn’t take Jimin being mad at him.
This has been going on for a week straight.
He’s bad at hiding his feelings, but no one even notices. Or maybe they notice but want to let him figure it out by himself. The thing is, usually he would appreciate that, but now..
The only other person who he can turn to is Yejin.
Which is just an entirely different problem.
Yejin doesn’t live in with him, but for months she as good as lived in his house. After last time though, he told her he’d be too busy to even come home, that she should stay at her own place for a few weeks.
The only logical thing he can do is break up with her. She deserves a better person, she deserves to know, it’s just that he can’t tell her the whole truth. He can’t tell her about Jimin. And on a more selfish note, if Yejin isn’t there, he’s really on his own.
Ah, fuck, when did he turn into this?
He’s always been the romantic type, loyal, never cheated once in his life. Now he’s cheated 3 times on a girl he once thought would stay with him even through his military service.
This just can’t go on like this.
————————
Yejin’s eyes are puffy right when she comes in. Her make-up is done, but even through all that, Jeongguk spots the bags under her eyes.
Not that he looks much better himself. Ever since he called her to meet he has been on the verge of crying.
The silence between them is tense, not even a hello or a hug, they just sit down on the couch.
A year together isn’t that long, but it’s long enough to know each other’s tells. Like how she folds her hands in her lap whenever she’s nervous, how she doesn’t dare make eye contact because she’ll probably cry.
Just like how she knows his tells, and just opens the conversation with a soft “this is a break-up, isn’t it?”
It’s sad, the way her voice shakes.
He wishes he could make it less painful.
Wishes he had the words, that he could say something pretty, a metaphor of some sorts that would make her smile. But he’s never been too good at those.
There is just no right way to do these things, break-ups suck in every form.
She only nods once, slowly, when he can’t find the words.
“I’ve known since you sent me away.”
Oh..
He rubs the back of his neck, stares at the floor for a few beats.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you wait for another week, I was just sorting my thoughts.”
“I get it.” She plays with her hands in her lap. “It’s okay.”
Somehow, that just makes it worse. Yejin has been so kind and understanding since day one, about his job, about this life, even now she’s still so sweet.
“No it’s— it’s not, actually.” He sucks in a sharp breath. “I fucked up. You deserve to be mad at me.”Yejin lifts her gaze, her eyes water just a little bit, a red flush over her nose, corner of her lip pulling down. Even when she tries to hold back tears she looks so defeated.“I’m not mad at you.”
“But you should be— I really fucked up— I—“
“Cheated.” She says, averts her gaze to the floor. “I know.”
Fuck, how— when? His heartbeat picks up considerably, eyes wide. The walls slowly creep closer, nothing but the ticking of the clock filling up the silence.
“I know.” Yejin looks up, something else in her eyes, a certain softness to it.
Or, what is it?
It’s not just soft it’s knowing, it’s accepting—
Oh.
Oh, she knows.
She knows it’s Jimin.
His body goes rigid. And then he just buries his face in his hands.
What a fucking disaster.
He’s been trying to figure out ways to bend the truth, to break up without having to put Jimin in danger. Never once thought that Yejin would have already figured it out.
“Fuck— I’m sorry.” He stares at the ground. “I should have told you—“
“No I get it. I get why you didn’t tell me.” A warm hand caresses over his lower back then, moves up between his shoulder blades. “It’s difficult for you too.”
How can she be so good? He’s cheated on her for god’s sake, he doesn’t deserve any of this.
They just sit there with the truth out for a while. Until she retracts her hand and takes a deep breath.“I just hope it’s not cause I wasn’t good enough—“
“No.” He turns to Yejin quickly, clamps his hand around her knee. “No, it’s not that, it’s just—“
He cuts himself off. Can’t really say it. How can she compete against a guy he’s known since he was 14, who he’s spent his entire life with? It’s just cruel to even mention it.
Yejin wipes her eye with the back of her hand, sniffs once, but nods again.“I’m so sorry.” He says again, sounds like a broken record. “I know it doesn’t change anything but I’m really so fucking sorry.”
“I know.” Her lips curl into a smile, but they tremble a little, a tear rolls down her cheek. “I get it, like, it sucks for me, but it sucks for you too.”
His vision turns a little blurry, has to look away cause it just wouldn’t be fair if he cried in front of her.
“Ah— fuck, you’re way too kind.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, closes his eyes, blinks the tears away. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” Her hand rests on top of his own, squeezes it softly. “We had a good run.”
Fuck.He can’t blink away the stupid tears this time.
They really did have a good run. If he had never explored his feelings for Jimin, if they could have just kept that can of worms closed. The only thing he can say is another “I’m sorry.” And he keeps saying it even when she leaves his house about an hour later, after she’s taken all of her stuff.They even hug goodbye. Another devastating thing is the sweet smile she gives before she steps in the taxi.
As soon as he makes it back inside his place he just breaks down.
All the guilt from the past couple of months, maybe even from the very start of their relationship, it just all comes crashing down. Mixed with all his feelings for Jimin, the distance between them lately..
Fuck, how is he going to fix this?
————————
It’s not a simple thing. If they were normal people, maybe this would have been the answer to everything. In a normal world, him breaking up with Yejin would equal to him being able to be with Jimin.
But they’re not normal, and their world isn’t normal.
That’s what makes it all so fucked up. They had to break up. But now he’s left with nothing. No future to build with anyone, the only certainty is military service, a thing he doesn’t want to think about yet.
Talking to Jimin is definitely the next step to all of this, but Jimin still won’t even reply to his texts. He hasn’t told him about the break-up either. Hasn’t told anyone really.
But maybe worst of all is Jimin being awfully close with one of their back up dancers. Which is not a crime, Jimin has always been sociable and made friends easily, and he’s been close with this particular back-up dancer for years now, but it’s gotten worse the past few weeks.
In the dance practice room they’re giggling somewhere in the corner, showing each other reels or tiktoks or whatever. They stick around too, when everyone leaves it’s just them there talking, well, and him staring from afar.
Fuck, he couldn’t be more of a loser if he wanted to.
How hard is a simple “hyung can we talk?”
It’s not even that he avoids it he’s just scared.
When Jimin notices him lingering in the room, walks up to him in slow strides, and just passes him like he isn’t there, his throat goes tight and he can only stare blankly at him disappearing in the hallway.
There are multiple factors at play here.
One: Jimin deserves an apology, he knows it, he feels it gnawing at him every waking second of the day.
Two: Even if he apologises, there is a whole lot of now what? That he can’t find an answer for.
And Three: He’s got terrible jealousy issues that sometimes overshadow even his guilty conscience.
Because capital f Fuck Taejun who’s helping Jimin stretch after dance practice and fuck the way he makes Jimin smile and fuck the way they hug as a hi and goodbye. No one hugs that much. Jimin’s hugs used to be only for him.
And come on, the one week silent treatment, he kind of understood that, but this is bordering a month of being treated like he doesn’t even exist. It’s the worst fight they have ever had and Jimin is acting as if everything is his fault.
Like, them not being able to be together is his fault, when it’s not.
Yes, he fucked up, he two-timed and he hurt Jimin, he owns up to all of that, to wanting him so viscerally he couldn’t resist. But it’s not his fault their contract was made to keep them apart, that their country wouldn’t even allow it, that their fame that is more a curse than a blessing.
Which would all be way better things to say, honestly. Any of that would have worked instead of showing up at Jimin’s house after a beer or three and just banging on the door.
Jimin is just as pretty as last time he came over, same amount of skimpy clothes, more of a glare this time around.
“It’s 1 am.”
“I know.” He looks for any sign of compassion. “I broke up with Yejin.”
It’s stupid, that’s not why he even came, but he hopes somehow Jimin might let him in just for old times sake.
Jimin, however, just leans against his doorframe, folds his arms, eyes him up and down.
“You broke up, got drunk, and came straight here?”
Oh— yeah, that kind of makes it look bad.
“No, I broke up 3 weeks ago.” He holds up his hands in defence. “And I’m not drunk I had three beers.. to uh..I just needed some courage.”
“Courage for what?”
“To ask you to talk.”
Jimin doesn’t seem impressed in the slightest.“You came to talk last time too.”
Fuck.“I know but— this isn’t like that. I’m not here for that, I’m here cause you don’t pick up my calls or respond to my texts.”
“Well maybe that’s cause you can talk to me in real life? I’ve been right there, why didn’t you just ask me at practice today?”
“Cause you don’t even look at me, hyung.”
It comes out a little more pissed than he means it to.
Jimin’s eyes turn sharp.“Yeah, I wonder why.”
And this is just— this is not fair.
“How can I come up to you when you’re always with Taejun anyway? Don’t you think he would give weird looks if I come between you to ask you to talk?”
A few beats pass, and then Jimin tilts his head.
“Ah, so this is about Taejun then.”
“No— fuck. It’s not about Taujun, it’s about us.”
“Then why did you bring him up?”
“Because.” He takes one step closer, wishes Jimin would just back up into his house but he doesn’t, he just stands there like an immovable object, tilts his head up just a little more. “He’s taking up all my time with you.”
It’s not even meant to sound jealous, he’s just been so spoiled by Jimin all his life that it’s his default.
There is a flicker of something in Jimin’s eyes.
“Yeah, hurts doesn’t it? When you get used and then shoved aside for someone else?”
Oh.
“Oh so this is payback?” He looks into both of Jimin’s eyes, from one to the other. “You’re only hanging out with Taejun cause you want me to suffer—“
“Oh please, I’ve been hanging out with Taejun for years now, what’s your fucking deal?”
“I miss you.” He spells it out, kind of pathetic. “And I hate that you’re ignoring me, I hate that you hang out with someone else right in front of me.”
Jimin stares back at him, jaw clenched.
“Well maybe you shouldn’t have used me then, maybe you shouldn’t have called me over during your live knowing that I would give in—“
“I’m sorry, hyung. I’ve told you that—“
“Your sorry doesn’t fix it—“
“What does?”
The question lingers between them, a silence spreads slowly, and he only now realises they’re having this argument outside. So maybe it’s a little rude, but he just backs Jimin into his house even though he gets a weak “hey” as a protest, closes the door behind them.
“I shouldn’t have called you over, I was a fucking idiot and I’m sorry.”
“It’s not the fact you called me over it’s the fact that you knew I’d give into you—“
“Yeah, cause we’ve kissed before, we’ve fooled around before and nothing changed, I just didn’t think this time would be different except it was.”
He’s a little breathless, reality catching up fast.
Jimin also doesn’t utter a word, eyes wide before he averts his gaze.
Yeah, they never got this far last time.
“It was different, and I was scared, so I pushed you away.. and I’m sorry for that.”
He says, waits for Jimin to finally lift his gaze.
He’s pretty, black hair all fluffy, bare-faced.
“And you were right.” He nods, voice a little shaky. “We were never really friends.”
It’s all out on the table now.
Years and years of denial and accidental boners and drunk kisses just to explore. Years of giggling secretly, whispering just a tad too close to each other’s ear and holding each other’s hands just a second too long.
The thing is, even though they’ve both acknowledged it, there is no turn to take right now. It’s always been a dead-end, hence they’ve never grazed the subject before.
So they both just stand there in the silence, in the truth.
After a while, Jimin just clears his throat.
“Want a drink?”
“Yeah, god. I want a drink.”
He stays on the other side of the kitchen counter, across of Jimin, just for safety precaution.
Jimin puts two glasses down, fills them with ice, grabs the first best bottle of liquor from his cabinet and pours them both a not so moderate amount.
They both down it like a shot. It’s not even cold, but it’s fine, it burns and it distracts him from the uselessness of their situation.
Yes, they’ve never been friends, yes, there are some feelings, so what.
Jimin wordlessly pours them some more, turns his head the other way as he drinks.
There is just nothing to say. Nothing that can make the situation any better than it is.
It sucks.
Everything sucks.
When Jimin puts his empty glass back down, they make eye contact for a second or so. “I’m sorry, for last month.” Jimin says then, picks an easier subject. “I was pissed, but I went a little too far.”
“No you didn’t, hyung. You had every right to act like that—“
“I know, but still I should have just given you the chance to talk earlier.”
Ah, look at them, still stupid and petty even after all those years.
“It’s fine.” He takes a sip of his drink. “I was a dick.”
“Yeah but.. you broke up with your girlfriend too. Did you even tell anyone?”
“No.” It’s funny how Jimin acts all concerned now, maybe that’s why it slips from his mouth. “Didn’t tell anyone about breaking up with my boring girlfriend.”
He casts a glance over his drink, Jimin quickly turns to find the bottle again, mutters a “sorry about that” under his breath.
A barely there smile pulls on Jeongguk’s lips, and he just finishes his drink.
The silence returns then.
Painful and heavy.
This whole thing is gonna lead to nothing and heartbreak, isn’t it?
“We can’t.. really do anything about this huh?”
He speaks up first. Someone has to.
Jimin goes rigid for a second or two, curls his hand around his glass then, but doesn’t bring it up. He just sighs, leans his underarms on the counter, hangs his head down.
“No.”
Great..
That’s just.. awesome.
“That’s why we never talked about this before.”
“Mmh.” Jimin nods. “I know.”
Fuck.
His throat tightens a little, and he takes a step back.
“So it doesn’t really matter then, this conversation is pointless.”
Jimin lifts his head quickly, eyes sharp.
“It’s not pointless.”
“It is though.”
“It isn’t.” Jimin stands up straight. “At least now I know you feel the same.”
“Yeah but that still doesn’t change anything.”
“It changes everything. I have been walking with this feeling for years thinking I was a terrible friend.”
“But it still doesn’t change the outcome. We can’t be anything, we can’t be anything but friends, so what’s the point?”
“The point is that you have feelings for me too.”
Jeongguk only notices Jimin is right in front of him when a finger presses against his chest.
This is dangerous.
His chest rises and falls a little faster as he scans over Jimin’s face.
“You have never, ever admitted it, and now you finally have and that matters to me.” Jimin’s eyes get a little watery, but his delivery is harsh. “Even if it doesn’t matter on the long run, I have been waiting years to just hear you fucking say it.”
They’re too close.
This is too close. He takes a step back but Jimin follows, all up in his personal space and he can’t think straight.
“And yes, we’re fucking doomed, I know. This life we chose, and this place we live in, it sucks. I can’t have you and it’s fucking miserable.”
A single tear runs down Jimin’s cheek, clear as dew, down to his jaw, where it drops on the floor.
“And I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, I should have left you and your girlfriend alone so at least one of us could build a future but I was too bitter and too selfish.”
Another tear, this time Jimin wipes it with the back of his hand.
Jeongguk wants to speak up, say something calming, but there’s a lump in his throat, and no words come to mind.
So he just pulls Jimin close then, wraps his arms around his waist and holds him tight, really tight. Maybe it’s more so Jimin doesn’t see his tears.
“I’m sorry, hyung.”
His voice sounds broken anyway, might give it away.
Jimin’s arms wrap around him too, palms flat on his back, face in the crook of his neck.
His familiar, soft scent intrudes his nose, his hair tickles a little against his cheek.
They stay like that for god knows how long. Jimin sniffles softly every now and then, wipes his tears on his shoulder.
He would cry more if he didn’t feel so empty. He’s glad at least his feelings mean something to Jimin, but at what cost?
They can’t ever be together, but he also can’t be with anyone else like this. As long as they are in this group together, he can’t give any relationship an honest chance.
And maybe even after, if they ever disband, he might not be able to move on even then.So, what the fuck is the point?