He doesn’t dare to bring it up to his close friends. What if he tells Yoongi he’s actually a homophobe after all these years? It will put a stain on their friendship, he can’t do that. And he’s sure Taehyung would publicly shame him if he came out.
But it’s definitely an undeniable fact.
Whenever Jimin and Dongwon are in his vicinity he flees the scene as quickly as possible, and if he happens to be in the same space as either one of them he just smiles awkwardly, has the barest of conversations.
Being alone with Dongwon, he notices it the strongest, his homophobia gnaws at him, no matter how kind the guy is, Jeongguk has this annoyance he can’t shake. It’s so stupid too, they’ll be in the kitchen and Dongwon will hand him something he’s looking for with that kind smile and he just goes ugh in his head.
Or Dongwon will make a particularly funny remark and instead of appreciating it his mind just goes “showoff.”
It’s ridiculous, Dongwon is a good boyfriend, he’s so kind to him too as if he’s desperately trying to win him over, and Jeongguk can barely manage to give him a smile.
With Jimin, the homophobia outs itself in different ways.
One second everything is chill and fine, whenever Dongwon is not around, but the moment Jimin wants to do something together or talk he just gets this inexplicable feeling of wanting to flee.
And that is why he’s dreading it.
Their hangout that he postponed multiple times is now actually happening, he’s out of meet-ups he can fabricate, out of fake deadlines, tonight he has to spend time with Jimin.
Worse is, Jimin keeps sending him texts about it through the day, like how he bought lots of snacks, how he renewed their crunchyroll subscription.
Before all of this happened, he loved hanging out with Jimin. Anime time on the couch really was the highlight of his days, so it really double sucks now that he’s got this condition.
As soon as he steps inside their shared student house Jimin looks over his shoulder from the kitchen. His blonde hair tucked behind one ear, smile on his lips as he turns around with a soju bottle and two glasses.
“I thought since it’s weekend we could have a little drink?”
“Oh.. uh, yeah.” He nods.
Jimin walks over to the couch, and Jeongguk stares at the oversized shirt he’s wearing, the way it covers his lithe frame, drapes around the arch of his lower back, the slope of his ass.
He tears his eyes off, that same feeling creeping up on him like it always does whenever he’s alone around Jimin. Like he needs to get out of there, needs to flee.
But he’s got to do this, face his homophobia head-on and try to pinpoint exactly what his issue is, without alerting Jimin of course.
So he just takes a deep breath and tries to keep his mind blank as he sits down next to Jimin on the couch. Just like before he knew Jimin was into guys, a normal hangout.
“I’m glad we finally wound the time, feel like we haven’t done this in forever.”
Jimin hands him his soju and they clink glasses.
Okay, see, this is all going fairly well. He can drink soju next to Jimin just fine, no sense of annoyance, just that tiny irrational voice in his head telling him to get away from there.
“Actually..” Jimin starts then, tone a little softer. “I wanted to ask you if everything is okay.. you know, between us?”
Oh.
His heartbeat rises significantly, and he whips his head towards Jimin, mouth still on his soju glass.
“What— what do you mean?”
“I mean— sorry, that sounded like, super serious. I mean I just noticed you have been a little avoidant the past month.”
Jimin plays with his glass, head down a little, shy smile on his lips as if it’s embarrassing to bring this up.
Jeongguk can barely breathe, let alone think. Just watching anime would have been an easy sit-through, but now all of his alarms are ringing.
“And I couldn’t help but notice it’s since you’ve found out I’m into guys.”
Oh no.
Jimin looks at him now, not as if he’s judging him for being a raging homophobe, but just with this innocent curiosity.
Jeongguk wants to bang his head against the table.
“No— no I don’t mind that at all.” He says immediately, even waves his hand. “Please don’t think that.”
There is the faintest bit of relief on Jimin’s features, but then he bites his lower lip, looks down again.
“If it’s not that then.. is it Dongwon?”
Jeongguk almost chokes on his sip of soju.
“No— no, Dongwon is great, I told you—“
“No I know you said that, but you can still just be trying to be nice to me.”
Jeongguk takes a second to evaluate that, since his reaction to Dongwon is way stronger, but there’s just nothing in particular about the guy that really could cause him to react like this.
“I’m not trying to be nice, honestly, he’s great.”
He doubles down, tries to get rid of that annoyance by speaking his like towards Dongwon into existence, but sadly it’s still there.
Jimin eyes him, from one eye to the other.
“Are you sure? Each time I bring him up you freeze.”
Oh, shit.
Is he that see-through?
Heat rushes up to his face, and he shakes his head.
“No no honestly, I think he’s great.”
“You keep saying that, but Dongwon keeps telling me he can’t really seem to get close to you.”
Jimin gently brings up the topic, but it kind of lands like a bomb.
He thought he’d been so good at hiding all of his discomfort, he never once wanted either of them to feel uncomfortable around him, but it seems he couldn’t even do that much.
Ah, this is killing him.
He never wanted to be this guy.
“Sorry, I guess I’m— I might be awkward whenever he’s here but it’s not because you guys are dating I just— I don’t want to invade your dates.”
It’s true, he really does not want to walk in on them on dates, he’s seen them kiss more than enough for the rest of his life.
Jimin’s gaze softens a little then, small smile pulls on his lips.
They’re glistening a little, like he’s wearing some sort of lip balm or—
“Invade our dates.. this is your place too you know? it’s perfectly fine to want to have it to yourself.”
He looks up, pauses for a bit.
“Yeah I know— it’s not that, really I don’t mind.”
Jimin takes a slow sip of his soju, and Jeongguk hopes he’s finally let off the hook, but Jimin shakes his head then.
“Stop trying to be overly nice for a second and tell me what’s bothering you. Even if it’s dumb, even if you hate my cooking, even if you just can’t stand Dongwon because of his taste in music— if you keep saying everything is fine I’m afraid it will get awkward between us.”
Oh..
He swallows, and with every passing second he hears his pulse, hands a little clammy.
There’s just nothing he can come up with that can even justify any of this, but Jimin’s sharp eyes are holding him hostage, so he just clears his throat, cheeks burning.
“Okay.. I.. I really don’t know how to bring you this, and it’s gonna sound so fucking insane, but sometimes— Dongwon, he’s such a great guy, and really don’t take this the wrong way but sometimes he’s just too nice.”
Yeah, that sounds so fucking stupid, even to his own ears. He doesn’t even dare to look at Jimin when he opens his mouth next.
“And like, I know it’s so dumb but he’ll hand me things when I don’t ask for it, or he’ll just say something really kind and I don’t know how to say thanks and he’s always making all these funny remarks whenever we eat together that I sometimes feel jealous of for not thinking of it first.”
It’s one of the most embarrassing things he’s ever had to confess, and he’s sure Jimin is gonna think of him as weird, but at least it feels like he got some part of it off his chest now.
When he dares to make eye contact, Jimin has a small smile on his lips, a glint in his eyes he’s never seen before, he even chuckles softly.
“You don’t like my boyfriend cause he’s too nice.”
“I know it sounds deranged—“
“It’s cute, actually.”
A little tingle runs down his body, he’s not sure why, averts his gaze quickly, tips of his ears burning.
“It’s dumb, I don’t want to come off as.. uh..”
“Homophobic?”
“Yeah.” He nods, slowly looks at Jimin. “I don’t want to give you like— an unsafe feeling.”
Jimin actually smiles, his eyes almost disappear entirely, little crescents, full row of teeth on display.
Bells ring for a while.
“Don’t worry, you’ve never given me those vibes.”
Jeongguk blinks once, twice.
That’s funny, cause that’s definitely what’s going on here. Somehow homophobia festered inside of him just for the guy in front of him and his boyfriend.
Even the way Jimin smiles is making something inside him twist and turn. Can he not even tolerate a smile anymore? Damn, the longer this goes untreated the stronger it becomes.
“But just to check, you don’t think I’m annoyingly nice? Or painfully handsome, or anything along those lines?”
Jimin tilts his head, the glint in his eyes playful now.
And Jeongguk actually thinks about it, the annoyance he has towards Dongwon is different, with Jimin he’s just, well, like this— his heartbeat is constantly high, and with every other passing second he just wants to flee.
It’s like he’s scared— oh god, that’s the phobia part. He’s actually scared of the gays. It’s primal fear.
“No.” He says, then quickly follows up. “I mean, not that you’re not handsome— or nice— I just mean I don’t feel that way—“
“So you think I’m handsome?”
Jimin picks that part and gives him a slight grin.
It’s the teasing he got used to the first month of living together but somehow now it settles under his skin like a warmth he can’t cool down.
“I mean..“ He scans Jimin’s face, his sharp jawline, his small nose, his monolid eyes, his full lips.. “Yeah, you’re handsome.”
It’s just a factual statement. Jimin has an aesthetically pleasing face to look at. Very proportionate, a bit like a cherub, his lips are very..
“You’re looking at my lips while saying that.”
Jeongguk snaps out of it, looks up, but when the words register heat rushes to his cheeks quickly.
“What? Oh— no, I was just scanning your features, like, objectively.”
“Uhu.” Jimin smirks. “Might tell Dongwon.”
“No please don’t—“
Jimin’s laugh cuts his sentence off, the guy is enjoying this way too much, doubling over giggling like that.
Jeongguk only stares from the side, pride filling in his chest that finally he’s the one making Jimin laugh.
He’s kind of missed this feeling a little.
Jimin takes another sip of his drink, then nods.
“Well, I can bring Dongwon over a little less, spend more time with you too, I mean, we’re friends right?”
Shit, this is not going where he wants it to go. His fight or flight has been on the entire time but Jimin wants to spend even more time together.
“I think we can make Friday our day, hangout and watch anime like this or game?”
jimin proposes it so easily, and he would have loved that at some point, but ever since he’s found out Jimin is gay he just feels this… what is it? Fear— as if he’s about to go down a very steep rollercoaster, that feeling tingles in his gut.
Though he does kind of like the idea of having a Dongwon-free day.
“Yeah.. let’s do that.”
He nods.
It sort of feels like he just signed his death certificate.
And when they finally start watching an episode he knows why. Not even a few minutes in Jimin leans against him, just shoulder to shoulder but he feels the warmth through the fabric of his shirt, and for the rest of the anime, he can only focus on that single touch, nothing else.
This homophobia runs even deeper than he thinks.
If he’s going to have to do this every Friday he’s going to end up fleeing the house and finding another student home by the end of the week.