Let's start with the biggest news, I got a job!!! It's like a dream too: the people are nice, the benefits are good, I get to walk around a beautiful campus, and I'm in feminine office-wear feeling completely safe. I just had my first week and they haven't fired me yet! :DDD
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To avoid the need for you to read everything in order to understand how this affects you let me state it up front: Depending on future projects I may be closing my Patreon. If I decide to take that route I will make further updates regarding that situation.
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Other than that I have to say I'm sorry. Even before the offer came in I've struggled to get work done; despite my abundance of time. Now I'm working a 9 to 5 with an 1.5 hour commute each way. I can say though that despite the shorter hours the best thing that this has brought on has been the psychological distinction between work and play --Something that I felt I desperately needed to draw and write, guilt-free. When work is done I'm on me time, and no one is going to tell me how I should spend it. Still, after commuting home, changing out of my work clothes, and eating dinner, I find that I only have 2.5 hours to work before bed. I know that's silly to say but keep in mind I'm the kind of person who can see a 5 hour block of time and feel like there's no point in starting something, I won't be able to finish (Whether that's true or not, it depends what I'm drawing). I'm trying to break that bad habit and do a little every night. After all, it's the only real option I have left.
What's more, I've had stories aimed at a more general audience that I've been promising myself I would start. Stories that have been with me for up to a decade. They may have the occasional element of transformation --I'll always try and sprinkle some in if it's thematically relevant-- but the stories feel fundamentally different from what you'd find here in my gallery. What's more, they are long form: some serialized, others self-contained. Even the self contained stories would likely run over 100 pages (if I can actually manage it).
It tears at me. I am of two minds: On one side I want to grow stronger in this community. I've been admiring the works of so many individuals, some of whom have come together, and all of them producing amazing work. It really makes me envious. Then there is the wider world beyond our little bubble, and there is that same similar envy. I see the success of those I once called my peers and despite my love for their work it hurts me to see how far the gap has grown between us. Everyone, both in and outside the community, they've earned every bit of it and I'm proud to support them. I want to make works celebrating them. I want to get the word out about their projects and draw fan art of their characters. But then I look in the mirror and feel an intense longing. My strong desire to create things that would, hopefully, give as much joy and pleasure as I have gotten over the years. But I'm afraid of failing. And that failure is practically self-fulfilling. I really shouldn't compare myself to those I admire, it's not healthy. They've been at it week after week, they've developed their craft through hard work. To try and put myself at that level when I draw so rarely is just vanity. A refusal to fully acknowledge what it took for them to succeed and our different paths in life.
I'm on to the next big stage of my life, and time is suddenly so precious. I don't think I can carry all of my dreams with me --at least not all at once. I got this job with the hopes that I could explore my passions in my spare time, without having to fear for my livelihood. Now I'm just hoping I haven't sacrificed one of the things I care about the most for the sake of comfort. This is the first real step forward that I've made in the past 8 years. It feels like I'm doing the right thing, but still... I'm a scaredy cat.