Keensty and the Treysyl general both looked perplexed as I returned early, since that was a clear sign that my conversation with Sagua had derailed. There was no telling what her real motives were; she was an alien, after all, not an Arata. There was no telling how her brain worked, or what her schemes were over millions of years. She’d come so close to tricking me into siding with her, that I’d almost started to let myself care about her and her feelings. How could I have been so blind?
Keensty told me that Sagua and I could be thick as thieves, and that she was not so different from any Arata woman that I’d interacted with before. I wanted to hear her music and have her on our side. She’s evil. She wants us to turn on each other, and she thought easy forgeries would do it.
I forced myself to glare at a mystified Hrothl, so I could prove to myself what a charlatan that blasted alien was. “Project Oceanhop. I know everything! I saw it! How could you?!”
“What?” the general grumbled, sending relief down my spine. Keensty was glancing between us in confusion. “Oh, that bleeding heart alien. Of course she…keep your voice down. Our government’s private dealings to win the war shouldn’t be any of that xeno’s business. I can explain.”
My eyes widened, and a low whimper of shock bubbled in my throat. “W-wait, you…”
The world came crashing down on me, as I recalled what Sagua had told me with a weary veneer of certainty. This clandestine project was really true, and signed off on by the man I’d been taking orders from? Those barbaric attacks on our embassies were false flags with smuggled weapons…it was supposed to be Pelsyl savages who encroached on our civilization. Why would we do such a thing? It broke me to realize that we’d stoop to unthinkable lows.
I yelled at Sagua for doing legitimate research like I asked her too, when she’s done nothing to seem dishonest other than being an alien and disagreeing with me. Oh fuck, this can’t be happening! I just ruined everything for the real fucking liars! My whole life, my death: what did I die for?! What was I protecting?!
Keensty had no idea what our exchange was about, judging by the baffled look on his face. I didn’t know whether it was even right to fill him in, and shatter the bedrock of faith that a man should have in his own people. General Hrothl’s twisted project was to blame for my father’s death, and for the death of loads more civilians. By shooting the Mainbeam, the Pelsyl had…prevented a terrorist attack, with other innocents staged to die in the embassy? Sagua had shown me people tied up and left to their ends.
It was all so senseless and cold, but I couldn’t deny any of it, as much as my heart screamed to find a way out of this unbearable reality. Hrothl had known what I was referencing at once, and had dismissed it by criticizing Sagua for caring? It was enough to forge an inward panic that shut down my ability to react; I didn’t know what to do, somehow more so than when I woke up on this alien station out of nowhere. I was at a loss for words or what purpose to even find. Whose side should I be on, when the other Treysyl were answering to this savage?
That poor Watcher, learning how unhallowed my people are while I proclaim our purity to her face. Perhaps our project deserves to be shut down. We’re not worth saving, as Hrothl and I both just proved.
“Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on?” Keensty demanded.
I couldn’t use my physical voice, but I pulled up the augmented reality interface and found a way to message him, as soon as I focused on the idea. “Keensty…”
Keensty screamed and tumbled sideways off of the couch, swatting at his ears. “What the fuck? How did you do that?”
“Shh, just say something startled you! I don’t want Hrothl having any of this. The nanobots can send messages to people’s brains. She showed me how. Project Oceanhop smuggled explosives overseas on civilian ships, and used them to blow up our own diplomatic places. Hrothl signed it. I thought Sagua was full of it, but he…he just admitted to it.”
Keensty’s eyes went wide, and he straightened himself up. “Sorry, I’m imagining things. Damn nanobots. Um, whatever Lucren’s found out, I’d like to hear this explanation.”
“He already knows of wartime sacrifices. We didn’t always have the luxury of playing pretty, though I’m sure that alien treehugger sees it differently. She’s got a savior complex, by the sound of it,” Hrothl sighed. “Lucren, every decision that was made was for the strength and security of the Treysyl people. We can’t coexist with the Pelsyl. Their terrorists were going to do the same thing, so we may as well have beat them to it and chosen what harm was done. It made sense to speed up the inevitable, under our terms.”
I felt my blood burning. “It made sense? Your sick plot is why the Mainbeam was targeted! You brought it on us all. You wanted this fucking war, you wanted suffering, as much as they did! You killed my father!”
“Son, watch the accusations. You don’t know what you’re saying. It didn’t matter what was onboard the Mainbeam. What takes precedence is that there were civilians onboard, and the Pelsyl attacked anyway. Those were their actions, with disregard for any lives lost. We, at least, try to choose and spare lives that would’ve been lost elsewhere if not for tough sacrifices. Shouldn’t your bleeding heart overlord agree?”
A numbness spread down my arms, and I hung my head with a crippling sense of defeat. “Sagua would see it all as stupid, hateful acts, and avoid casualties as much as possible. She wants to save everyone, even Pelsyl scum. Even Treysyl scum like you. It’s why she’s better than you.”
“You listen…”
“I’m never following a word you say again! Fuck off. I’m done helping you.”
Hrothl’s eyes darkened. “I thought you were loyal to the cause. I could have you dealt with for treason.”
“The alien likes me,” I fibbed, swallowing hard. “You come near me or Keensty again, she’ll end your pathetic second life with a snap of her fingers. Bringing you back was a mistake, and one she obviously knows now.”
The Treysyl gave me a seething look, before stalking off. It seemed even the twisted general feared Sagua’s wrath, with her ridiculous power and far-reaching oversight. However, thanks to me snapping at her for trying to open my eyes to his radioactive schemes, I’d destroyed any hopes of her liking me. That was probably for the best, since she deserved better than manipulative kindness. If I had the heart to continue our escape plans at all, it’d be for Keensty and myself.
I scanned my telepathic history through tears, seconds away from breaking down, and talked to the only person I knew with a shred of decency. “Sagua? I’m so sorry. You were right about everything, and I didn’t want to hear it. I…I’m a worthless idiot. I ruined everything, we’re just monsters and I can’t believe…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on. It’s too much. I can’t!”
“Lucren, calm down,” the reply was immediate, as if she’d been waiting to hear from me. I was surprised she even bothered to speak to me, after I turned on her with nastiness like every other Arata. “I know you were just lashing out from hurt. I’ve lived long enough to have seen that reaction from many people. It doesn’t make you bad, and I’m old enough not to hold it against you. Look, I thought you deserved the truth, instead of stewing in hatred that’s built on lies for eternity.”
“Please take me back,” I begged. “I’m ready to talk. Help me, please, make me forget! It’s in your power, isn’t it? My dad died for nothing, and so did I! I wish I stayed dead! It’s what we all deserve.”
It didn’t elicit much of a reaction when the alien transported me back into the control room. There was no reason for Sagua to show me any kindness, but the level of betrayal I felt deep within was a searing pain that’d eat me alive. I ran to the human, wrapped my arms around her in desperation, and wept. Her hand patted my head to comfort me, with a gentle compassion that was unearned. If the Treysyl weren’t blameless in the heinous acts of this war, then that meant we were all rotten.
“We…we’re no better than them!” I wailed, clutching Sagua since she was the only thing to hold onto. If I was her, I would teleport my pitiful, treacherous self away for good, but she remained steady. “You should kill us all. There’s nothing good in our species. All of us! Aratas are just…ugly. You’re beautiful and you shouldn’t waste one fucking tomorrow on our rotten people. We aren’t worth your gifts or second chances.”
Sagua gasped. “Lucren, don’t say that. Please.”
“I mean it! Look how easily I turned on you, when you…I hate being Arata! I despise my people so much!”
“Look, you’re not the first people to get stuck in hatred or to do ugly things for flimsy reasons. Mine, the others you think are ‘beautiful,’ we’ve been shitty too. The Alliance, we have lots of alien friends who had to move beyond dark pasts and find a better purpose in their lives! There are two kinds of a race called Vascar who tried to eradicate the other. You might relate to their story.”
“What happened to them?”
“You should hear their stories from them. It’s a long tale, and I doubt you’d do well with explanations now. I think you should know more about all of us in time, to see that we’re not perfect. Lucren, it’s easy to get stuck in a spiral of hatred, and more difficult to see your way out of it. The first step is the hardest, but I thought…we could get through it. You can find another way to live.”
I scoffed. “What? In outer space? In a million years?”
“That will be your decision. I…I never wanted authority over you. I just wanted you to understand. There is…a great burden in seeing everything. In being a Watcher of the dark as well as the light. Please, tell me I haven’t hurt you too much. I really want to help and to spend more time together. I do see beauty in you.”
“Why? I’m just a stupid soldier who doesn’t know what else to be. And like even though I have to believe you, it doesn’t change that my dad died on that boat. I can’t just not care.”
“Yeah, about that…” Sagua began, causing my heart to lurch. “Look, I’ve told you this much, and I don’t think it’s worth it to leave any of the lies that formed this…hatred intact. Do you want to hear the next part?”
“What can it possibly be that’s worse than…” I didn’t know if I could bear any more world-shattering revelations, especially if she was going to tell me my dad—my hero—was involved in Hrothl’s scheme and force me to accept that. “Fine. I have to now, don’t I? Just get it over with.”
The human grimaced. “Lucren, you need to stay calm. I know you’re hurting and I forgive you, but that didn’t stop it from stinging when you did it. I have feelings and am having a rough time with them too. It’s not right to take yours out on me. I won’t be your punching bag.”
“You’re right. None of this is your fault. I’m sorry for hurting you, really. I’ll try not to make your…job any more difficult. That’s all it is, right? Doing your job.”
Sagua’s hands gripped my shoulders, and she looked me in the eyes. “I didn’t have to do any of this for my job. I wanted to know the truth and to have that between us. We couldn’t have positive interactions with lies scattered like landmines. I care about you, Lucren. You deserved better.”
“You barely know me.”
“I know you were deceived by people you trusted, and that you never had a chance to act differently. Let me just give it to you straight, and hopefully, you’ll see that I’m trying to be respectful. I have the manifest of the Mainbeam, including the classified one, and I have the list of casualties. Your father wasn’t on the ship. Your mom fed you that line, but he’s…not even dead.”
“I…what?” My fur bristled with shock, before a broken whimper trailed from my throat; I didn’t even know how to react, but at this point, I was inclined to believe that the alien was being as truthful as she’d been with the Oceanhop story. “I…I don’t understand!”
“Your mom said he was on the Mainbeam to cover what really happened. Maybe she thought she was protecting you, or maybe she wanted you to hate the Pelsyl. You know her better than me, so I won’t take a guess.” Sagua sighed with sympathy, before pulling up what appeared to be a live feed of a familiar, but much older Treysyl male in a rocking chair. “Your dad just left. He left your mother for his mistress, and he’s off living in the Krenkut province. I suspected there was something fishy when he went without his family. I’m sorry.”
My heart cracked in two as I stared at the screen. There sat my father in the present, having discarded his kids and living in bliss without us; a deep-rooted anger burned within me, and it was all I could do to hold in the scream. Sagua curled an arm around my back, and I shook off her grip before I could think. I was quivering with rage and anguish, having everything I knew about my own dad thrown in question.
My mother was as much of a liar as any other Treysyl. She deceived me about what really happened to my old man, when he was nothing more than lowlife scum! He deserved to be hated and not mourned, but the whiplash of my brain even trying to hold him in contempt; it was a slap in the face to the sum of my entire life, which was over now! Was there anything that I’d accepted as a guiding truth that wasn’t a lie?
I couldn’t even trust my own memories, when in my own mind, I’d elevated him on a pedestal as a great father. It was impossible to just…switch off loving him or her, or to dissipate the feelings tangled up with the Mainbeam incident. I had died to avenge what the Pelsyl had taken from me, fighting in a grisly, horrific war. He wasn’t even on the ship, so there was nobody to blame but the people I’d thought I loved!
How am I supposed to believe in anything or trust anyone ever again, when those closest to me RUINED everything?! Who am I supposed to be? Now, I truly have nothing left of my old life!
Sagua hesitated, before killing the feed to spare me any further distress. “You need time to process, Lucren. I’m here for you—a message away—but I’m going to give you a little space. I do have one question, though. When’s the last time you had fun?”
“Huh?” The question caught me off-guard, but it was a merciful distraction. “Probably before I shipped out. I don’t know.”
“I haven’t had a good time in a while either. We could both use some relaxation and cheering up. I’d like to maybe just…enjoy time together without any of this heavy stuff. I’d love for you to get to know me better. When I’m off work, what do you say we have a movie night at my place? Just you and me.”
The idea of spending time alone with an alien, in the very dwelling that Keensty had gone to great lengths to get to, left me uncertain of whether I should accept or not. When it boiled down to it, she was the only person I liked or trusted now, but I didn’t know how to act around her. I mean, look at all of the sordid secrets Sagua uncovered in a day of looking! She knew and saw so much, and when I sat across from the unknowable immortal, it felt like she was leagues above Aratas.
Perhaps most of all, however, I was fumbling for a reason to put one foot after the other once I left this room. Seeing Sagua and being included in her downtime, as well as learning more about her culture, would be enthralling. It was somewhere to start with living a different life, and figuring out what the hell to do with myself up here.
“I’d love to,” I breathed.
A smile worked its way onto Sagua’s face. “Excellent! I’m looking forward to it already. I’ll message you when I’m off work, and you just let me know when you’re ready for a teleport.”
“S-sure thing.” Am I still trying to charm her? I mean, I do want her to like me, but I’m not sure I want to betray the one person who hasn’t betrayed me. Well, I guess Keensty didn’t do anything wrong, and he wants out. Shit, should I ask him to help me figure out how to…exist around her? She’s an ALIEN. “I’d, um, like to be alone. Can you send me back to my room? Please?”
Sagua nodded. “Of course. See ya later, Lucren. Come hungry!”
I exhaled a heavy breath the second I was deposited back in my room. It was fortunate that Sagua was forgiving enough that I could salvage a connection with her, but I wasn’t sure what her motives were by inviting me to her place. That certainly felt personal by Arata standards, and the simple fact that she was an extraterrestrial still unnerved me. I didn’t want to mess up, if only to give her the positive connection she desired.
It was unclear what my plan would be going forward, but now that Sagua had revealed to me how little I knew about the events that’d been a central part of my life, I had to reevaluate how I felt about every aspect of our world.
A/N - 7! Lucren confronts Hrothl, who instead of denying Oceanhop, is angry at Sagua for being a bleeding heart and insists it hardly matters. Our narrator is devastated and goes crawling back to Sagua, who proves forgiving but insists he can’t take it out on her again. She tells him that his father left his mother, and that the story that he was on the Mainbeam was made up.
How will Lucren’s life and mindset change, now that the story he’s been told his whole life was flipped on its head? Is he still trying to trick Sagua, or has he developed a genuine fondness for her.
As always, thank you for reading and supporting!