When the designated time came for Keensty and Ralto to meet up in my room, I found myself feeling apprehensive. My best friend would never let me hear the end of it, if I admitted what transpired between Sagua and myself! The single thought that tormented me was that she deserved far better than me; it wasn’t even like I wanted to desert her, but I had no choice. The program was over either way, when the truth came out. Didn’t I owe it to Keensty to help him out, after we died together?
Keensty scurried into my room, eyes darting around as if expecting Ralto to have gotten here first. “Good. The rodent isn’t here yet. Look—”
“Do go on,” a throaty voice purred. “Remember, I’m always right behind you. You might not see me, but I see you.”
I watched as Ralto slunk inside, eyeing Keensty with distaste. “I hope you’re keeping that kind of surveillance on Hrothl.”
“By keeping that kind of surveillance on Keensty? Absolutely. I took a few spins on that flight simulator you found—”
“Hey!” Keensty’s fur bristled, and for the first time, I noticed the tip of a hilt poking out of the back of his waistband. He brought a weapon here?! Wasn’t it his suggestion to wait until we were off on the ship? “I never told you about that!”
“And knowing you, you probably never were going to. You wanted to figure out how to do it yourself, so you didn’t need me. Typical Treysyl, wanting to keep everything for yourself! Literal aliens holding us hostage, and you can’t even put the war aside long enough to get your ass on a ship out of here? I’m the only pilot you know! Face it.”
“And I’m the perfect scapegoat if we get caught, out doing all of your dirty work while you? You get a free ride. Your people would be living in huts to this day if we hadn’t gone out and been the brains of the world, given you a few bright ideas through osmosis!”
“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled, surprising myself with the ferocity. “So much blame and superiority. The Pelsyl care about their families. They’re brave, feeling people who think we’re savages. The truth is that we’re all fucking morons! We say we invented this or they did that, they turn it around, and it hardly matters what the reality is! You can’t pick it out of the propaganda dumpster!”
Ralto tilted his head, seeming confused. “Why are you defending us?”
“Maybe I’m a ‘bleeding heart’ like Sagua. She sees everything, and I’m starting to see it too. You wanna know something? Aratas almost got wiped out by a fucking asteroid! The Watchers diverted it. We just keep killing each other and building machines to kill, but that space rock? It would’ve wiped our pathetic, hateful asses out together. It wouldn’t discriminate. To the universe, we’re meaningless nothings that live on a tiny little dot!”
“Ignore my friend. Lucren was shadowing the Watchers, and now, he’s overinflating the importance of his internship,” Keensty sighed.
“Actually, my internship is very important! It’s all for nothing if we don’t have a pilot though. Ralto, you said you tried the flight simulation. Can you fly the spaceship or not?”
The Pelsyl exhaled a flustered breath, causing his whiskers to flutter. “Sure can. It’s easy enough; it’s almost like they want just anyone to be able to fly them, with the automation and safeguards. A few days to plan the actual escape and do a little practice in the simulator, then we leave. No need to stick around any longer than necessary.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, not wanting to betray the mess of feelings I didn’t fully understand myself. “Exactly. Here’s why my internship is plenty important. Sagua told me that we’re not in our own star system. We’re around Klaide Tol. She pointed out which one was ours, and I made a note of it in my HUD. Without me, you don’t have a clue which way is home.”
“Well then? Alright, show us!”
“Not a chance. I need you to need me, not to get left behind because you both think I’m a bleeding heart. I’ll be outed as a conspirator; like, Keensty is my best friend. I don’t intend to stay here and suffer the consequences. It’s important to me that someone goes home for the right reasons. I’ll tell you when we’re all on the ship.”
“Why should I wait for you to dick around with vital info? You’re the one who said to share everything, and that we couldn’t afford any less.”
“Because I’m not going to give away my leverage, when I bet you’ll be tempted to do something stupid. Both of you will destroy yourselves before helping the other, and I’m not tying myself to that sort of…fucking anchor! Not until you get it together.”
Ralto grunted. “Fine. I’ve got a friend, like I said. He’ll be there on escape day with me. I’m not leaving him behind. We’re in this together.”
“Of course, Ralto. That way, it’ll be even.”
Keensty huffed and folded his arms, seething. “How exactly did Sagua point out the star to you?”
“She, um…” I tripped over my words, though I drew a deep breath and tried to simplify it. I could’ve closed my eyes and receded into the memory with ease. “She took me for a spacewalk. Outside the station, looking up at the stars…”
“Ooh, how romantic! I bet you weren’t looking at the stars at all. How close were you to taking the spacesuits off before your brain caught up?”
“Huh?” The roots of my facial fur suddenly felt very hot, and all I could think about was the tiniest contours of her lips that had been perceptible to mine; I’d wished I could smell her and drink her in. “K-keensty, we…looked at the stars some! Lots of stars. Of course that was romantic. She sees them all the time though; it’s a space station! It’s just outside! It was special and sweet, but only to me, and she told me she saved everyone. That’s pretty awesome. Who wouldn’t love her?”
“You love Sagua.”
“Um, for what she did…it’d be too early to know, right? I mean, should I?”
“What’d you do other than look at the stars some? You agreed it was romantic. The mood was set?”
“I got the info. I saw Sagua’s memories. Who cares if we got a little too close? Adults can admit their feelings. I initiated some contact, and that’s that. It’s…a normal and healthy development for our plan. I’m adaptable and I listened to her wishes. You’re making a big deal of a little physical touch, because you don’t get any!”
Keensty whistled loudly, causing me to cringe and grab my ears. “Oh boy, you really did something! What’s a ‘little physical touch’ mean? Adults admit it, huh?”
“I kissed her! And it was way better than talking to either of you.”
“Ha! I told you so. You wouldn’t listen; I can’t believe you made a move. What’d she do, grab you by the balls and drag you toward her spacebed?”
“No—you’re such an asshole. Why are you like this?”
“Hang on. You made out with an alien?! You’re romantically involved? I didn’t realize you were that close,” Ralto murmured, concern flashing in his pupils. “How was it?”
Keensty blinked several times, before gesturing toward the Pelsyl. “I can’t believe I’m agreeing with him, but I second that. I thought you didn’t know if humans killed their mates?”
“You told me why that was stupid!” I whimpered, burying my head in my hands. “It was…wonderful and passionate. Being close just made me want her like crazy. You can’t see that she’s an alien in the moment; it’s all about feelings. It’s different and cozy and it doesn’t fucking matter!”
“Of course it matters, buddy. I’m happy for you, I mean, congrats. What’s up with you?!”
“We’re leaving in a few days, right? You two wanted me to get close to her, and I did that! I have to just play her for a fool, like that’s fair. Someone has to do it though, but my internship’s got overinflated importance, huh? Then why are you making me ditch someone so amazing?! It’s all a game to you!”
Keensty gave me a strange look, walking up to me with slow steps. “Lucren, I never told you to catch feelings for her. That was all you. You’re ditching the literal alien from another planet who’s holding us hostage and will never let us go home. I’m not into that. I want my life back. It was a sick adventure, but I didn’t ask to be here. I want Treysyls to know about them and benefit from all of this tech that they’re willfully withholding. Their charity’s for the dead, not the living.”
“Look at us,” Ralto agreed, giving Keensty a reluctant glance as he backed him up. “Cooped up on a space station where they’ve placed themselves in charge. There’s more to life than living. The people I care about aren’t here. The cause I fought for isn’t here. The things I enjoyed and the sun I watched set every day, they aren’t here. Fuck, we don’t even have grass here!”
“Exactly. This is no kind of life to live forever. Who fucking decided it for us? What gives them the right? Ask your girlfriend in all of her benevolence. She got in your head with the Mainbeam shit, but she had no interest in dropping truthbombs back home. She can’t be bothered to communicate with Teska. A second life is kind, but gifts aren’t supposed to come with strings attached!”
I swallowed hard, trying to process their words. “I…know you both miss home. That’s why I’m helping you. I agree that the Watchers should share hard truths. They’re scared of disrupting our culture, that’s all. They want us to be ourselves, and they don’t want to force their will on the living. They’d be asked to pick favorites in the damn war. Besides, our planet can’t sustain this many dead people coming back. One ship: maybe they’ll let us go, and we do some good. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Just remember, you don’t know them that well, and you haven’t known them for that long. They’re aliens that could do anything, and they don’t have to have Arata reasons. Have some fun and be done with it, Lucren. For your own good.”
“A few more days and this is all over. You can forget all about her,” Ralto stated, which made my heart hurt all the more.
I sucked in a sharp breath. “You’re right. We’ll be leaving soon. Just let me be alone, okay? I need some time to think.”
“Now’s the time to think, that’s for sure. Better late than never.”
“You don’t get to talk to him like that,” Keensty interjected. “Leave. That’s what he asked for, Pelsyl.”
Ralto raised his hands in an innocent gesture and backstepped out of the room. Keensty gave me a reassuring ear flick, a worried and apologetic look in his eyes; he seemed to be weighing whether he’d gotten through to me. I breathed a sigh of relief when he slunk out the door, and I locked it the second he was out of my fur. It was plenty valid to feel trapped in the Watchers’ station, when they were outright stopping us from leaving this strange place.
We all got abducted by aliens. It’s natural to try to go home rather than stay in captivity.
My best friend was right that the aliens hadn’t shared their gifts with the living, nor would Sagua be persuaded to nip the war in the bud or disseminate the truth about the Mainbeam. It had gotten in my head, because I’d been lied to for my whole life; of course that ate at me! Aratas did deserve the truth, if I believed for a split second that we were worth saving. I had a duty to follow my conscience and share that information, didn’t I?
The truth could end the hatred perpetuated on falsehoods, and the lives wasted like mine! Aratas were dying in this stupid war, with some of them killed on a permanent basis every day that this conflict wasn’t brought to a halt. Both groups demonized the other side and refused to extend a hand of peace. They just needed to see how frail we were, like I did! Without the Watchers’ deus ex machina, we’d all be dead, and that gift of intercession was freely given. Oh, how we were wasting it!
“Hey Lucren,” Sagua messaged me, jolting me out of my internal misery. “I enjoyed cooking with you. I loved sitting on the couch with you and pretending I was paying attention to the movie at all. I could’ve watched you dance to the song I was playing for hours, or stared with longing at those hands I’d love to caress while they leapt across my trumpet. Make no mistake: I want you for who you are. You are worth all the stars in the multiverse.”
My whiskers quivered with misery, staring upward. “You don’t know how much that means to hear. I feel like you’re making a mistake. Like if I was a good person, I’d save you from me.”
“No, that’s so far from the truth. I wish you could see yourself like I see you. What’s needed is for someone to save you from yourself. It’s okay to struggle and to fail. You’re remarkable for what you’ve done in spite of your hardships. I’ve seen so many people, and never met anyone as gallant as you.”
“I want to believe Aratas can be better. If we just have the truth, maybe we could fall out of those patterns. Don’t you think it’s better for everyone to know hard truths and…look in the mirror?”
“Of course I do. I’m going to find a way to teach people up here and make incremental progress. We can do that together. It’ll take time, but we have as long as it takes. We can be forever if you want to be, Lucren. We can hold onto each other.”
The knot in my stomach writhed, knowing how little time we had before I’d leave her grasping at the empty spot where she thought I’d be. “I wish it was that simple.”
“I’m trying to make it simple for you. Should I expect you tonight?”
“Tonight?” With all of my heart, I wanted to see her, and be together while pretending it was simple. I…would stay, if I hadn’t already been party to this escape scheme; I would try to persuade Sagua of my views, because I did trust her to see the right reasons. “Yes. I’ll be there any night you want me. It’s not like I have a busy schedule.”
The human laughed. “I suppose we need to give Aratas more in the way of shops and entertainment, but we’re too barebones to do more than the critical stuff. You’ll have to set that up yourselves, unfortunately. Then, you can have other options.”
“I’d still pick you.”
In my head, I could picture a smile on her beautiful face. “We could go enjoy the shops and entertainment together. A real night out. You deserve to make the most of your new life! I’m going to brainstorm some fancy things to do, I promise. I’ve got to get back to work, but know I only have one sexy Arata on my mind.”
“You’re occupying my every thought too. I’m counting down the seconds until I can see you again. Good luck with work, Sagua.”
“See ya, Lucren.”
Sagua’s messages transitioned into a painful silence, alone with my guilt and conflicted thoughts. I felt like I was being pulled in two opposite directions, with every option feeling immoral; I’d be wronging or tricking someone no matter what I did. She was an alien I’d known for a few days, as opposed to a best friend I’d known my whole life. The reality was that it was too late to back out, when Ralto could expose us to the Watchers, and that all I could do was try to use the escapade to do some good.
A/N - 18! Keensty and Ralto continue to butt heads, with Ralto spying and Keensty simmering with hostility. Lucren gives away that he and Sagua are now an actual item amid his friend’s teasing, and they realize that Lucren is no longer enthused about leaving. Our narrator is guilty as the blissful romance continues, since he feels like he can’t back out and he’s being deceitful.
Do you think Lucren will follow through with the escape? How will Sagua feel if he does?
As always, thank you for reading and supporting!