My partners-in-crime had decided that everything was in order to elope from the station. Tomorrow, we would make our escape, and leave the aliens who’d brought us back to life behind, for good. These would be the last hours I’d ever spend with Sagua, who’d likely despise my name when she discovered my deceitful departure. It felt almost impossible to convince myself to part from her, since what I wanted was to stay here and try to save the program together.
I have no choice, thanks to Ralto, but part of me wants to confess everything and beg for forgiveness. The time Sagua and I have spent together has been so wonderful and soul-affirming, that it’s painfully clear to me that I’ve never been in love before. My engagement had none of this passionate lovesickness wrapped up in it.
Sagua snuggled closer to me under the blanket, while guilt threatened to rip me apart. “I told my parents about you. Guess that means we’re official!”
“Oh. What did they say?” I choked out. Do they think she’s foolish to be with an Arata? That she picked the worst one to hold onto? Or will they, when I leave her heartbroken and alone without ever looking back?
“They want to meet you. My dad, Preston, he totally gets what it is to be estranged from family. He said you’re always welcome with us, and that he can see that you’ve made me really happy. Which you have.”
“And Corai?”
Sagua rolled her eyes. “She has a whole bit with the Eternal Wedding interrogation. Don’t read too much into Liberi traditions, but she swears by it. Prepare yourself, Lucren. It’s…my fault. I got, um, a little carried away imagining walking down the aisle with you. I know you’ve been engaged before and you probably aren’t ready to rush into that, and besides, it’s been how long? It just feels so right, that my heart gets ahead of my brain. I want you to be the one.”
That made me freeze, my eyes going wide while my tongue swelled in the back of my throat. “…oh.”
“Sorry. I’m scaring you off. Forget that intrusive thought ever crossed my mind, please. I don’t want to ruin what we have. I mean, you and I, we have forever to figure out what we want. Promising myself to you is something I’d rush into. I can picture you just looking at me in a wedding dress, with pure adoration, while I walk toward our destiny; you, my steadfast rock. Fuck, I’m doing it again, aren’t I? I don’t even know if you want anything serious, let alone that commitment. I should shut up.”
“Don’t. I…would spend eternity with you too,” I breathed. “You’re everything I could’ve hoped for, and I don’t deserve a single second with you. Still, I like imagining what we could be together too. You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met, kind and miraculous. I’ve never been happier than when it’s just us. Knowing for some reason, you love me.”
A sweet smile crossed her face, before she pecked me on the cheek with giddiness. “I love you so much, silly! I’ve been alive for such a long time, and I’ve never found someone who fit with me in every aspect. I think we could have a beautiful future, all of the things we could do. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to discuss compatibility, albeit a bit early to get into such serious topics. How…do you feel about kids, Lucren?”
I narrowed my eyes, puzzled. “What? We, uh, can’t have any. I’m pretty sure, unless you have some nanocrossbreeding. We’re, um, not related like Elusians and humans. Not that there’s anything wrong with you! I like you how you are, and I think it’s great that you don’t have prejudicial…er, I don’t mind that we can’t. That’s what I meant.”
“There’s my close-minded, awkward Lucren.” Sagua pinched me on the forehead, giggling. “I had a stupid idea about how we could help Teska. There are so many Arata kids who died and are orphaned. I could imagine adopting Pelsyl and Treysyl children, and raising them together. A generation who learned to love.”
“Wow.” I blinked several times, tears welling in my eyes as I allowed the image to form; the Pelsyl were people, just like us, and all children deserved a loving home where they could learn the truth. “That’s beautiful. Maybe one day, when I’m more…free from my own bias and stable, that could even be possible.”
“Anything could be possible! All of the things we could do together, they just swim around my head. My future is you, so long as you’ll have me. You occupy my thoughts, my dreams, my every emotion. I can’t stop imagining us. I’m mad for you.”
A lump swelled in my throat, hearing her genuine affection that made it plain that she was head over heels for our fledgling romance. The feelings that had blossomed between us were like something in my life had been missing, and when we were together, I could be whole. It was torment to know that this was where we ended; to be cognizant with every breath of the betrayal I was going to perpetrate against such a kind, innocent soul tomorrow.
I didn’t want to hurt her! I didn’t want to lose her from my life for eternity, and damn myself to imagining the eons we could’ve had together. It’s a terrifying, unimaginable length of time to live with my failure.
It was tempting to confess to everything, to spit on Keensty and Ralto’s escapade and to stay with Sagua instead. Then again, how could I consign my entire species to death, or at the very least, damn my conspirators to be snuffed out of their second life alongside me? The Watchers wouldn’t be pleased about an escape, right after they’d warned us all about causing trouble. It wasn’t my choice to make for the best friend, to whom I owed so much.
I never would’ve gotten to know Sagua at all if Keensty hadn’t made me talk to her. Her powers had rendered me frightful to conceive of her capabilities, yet when she spoke, I could picture a day where I could wield them all alongside her. We could work together, and I could bring her around to be more interventionist without discarding her! I wasn’t that callous, and I owed her so much too: for the truth, for exposing me to the Pelsyl. There was no way to reconcile my mismatched loyalties.
“Tell me about where you see us, in the future. When…all of this would be behind us,” I whispered.
Sagua closed her eyes, breathing me in. “All of those places I’ve been in those pictures I took, up on my door? One day, those photos could be of us. We could visit every corner of the universe together. Your eyes would twinkle and your whiskers would curl, seeing so many magnificent things. We’d be one of many alien tourists drawn there. Part of something. We’d belong with everyone who can appreciate life’s beauty.”
“I appreciate your beauty most of all.”
“That was actually decent flirting for once! Let’s see. I picture me trying to teleport the fruit and the sweetness out of all of your foods, when we’re cooking together for the thousandth time. Maybe we have friends over who are just appalled by what you try! You play it up around any humans we know, and it makes it impossible for me to have guests over. With the exception of your shirt thief friend, Keensty.”
My eyes widened with alarm, hearing my co-conspirator mentioned by name. “You…know Keensty?!”
“Yeah. Duh. Well, I never met him, but you mentioned him when we talked about, er, the brain stuff. And he stole Josh’s shirt. It seems like you and Keensty are close. I’d like to imagine that your friends could be my friends, and that he’ll get past me being an alien. We can just hang out and make it…casual. We can all have fun.”
“Keensty is hateful, even after knowing the truth about Hrothl. I love him, but I don’t know how to help him. I almost feel like I have to keep him in check. You wouldn’t want to be around him.”
“If Keensty’s stuck in his ways, there must be other characteristics about him that we can appeal to. You’re a good person, and you see the best in people, so you must see something in him. I want to help you pull someone important to you out of those depths, Lucren. I’m here to support you and everyone in your circle.”
“I told Keensty about us,” I blurted, wanting to confess something that’d make her react with anything other than kindness. I couldn’t tell her everything, but telling her nothing and hearing her affection was killing me. “He doesn’t like that I caught feelings for an alien. He thinks you’re in the way of…what we all should want.”
“Which is?”
“Um, our lives back. He doesn’t like being unable to go home, you know? He says that you decided all of this for us, and that you don’t think we’re worth communicating with. That I don’t know you, not for that long, and that there’s tons of living Aratas that he cares about that are left out to dry!”
Sagua’s eyes grew somber and thoughtful, as she ran an idle hand down my frills. “I understand why he’d feel that way. It’s to be expected, especially when to a species so young, waiting means far more than it does to me. Thank you for telling me. I’ll try to help him see our point of view too. But Lucren?”
“Yes, Sagua?”
“You got rather forceful at the last bit. I know how much you care about the suffering back home, the ones who are lost to us forever. We don’t think anyone deserves to miss out on eternity either. You’re…completely right. Aratas are just as worth communicating with, in my opinion. Under normal circumstances, we would contact a species as advanced as you.”
“But?”
Sagua grimaced. “You can’t be trusted to join the galactic community. We have to look out for everyone, and we have no guarantees that you wouldn’t respond with hostility: to us or to each other. I do believe one day, you’ll grow, and I will be there whenever Aratas seek us in the spirit of our organization. In the far future, I think you’ll be a part of the Alliance.”
“I understand that we’re ugly right now. I do! I just want to make us change. Do…you really think it’s in our nature to be different?”
“Since you asked me that, and since you want to bring that perspective to open their eyes immediately, of course I do. You won’t be kept from your home for long, if Aratas can find the right path. You just have to make your own destiny! It’s not ours to ‘decide it all’ for you. Someday, Keensty, you, me, we’ll all visit Teska and see how much it’s grown. Through the eons of unity, these dark divisions will seem foolish and infantile, I assure you.”
“What’s to stop Aratas from carrying on hate forever, especially when they can survive unchanged for eternity? When people like Hrothl keep them that way?”
Sagua raised an eyebrow. “The White Saltire. The fact that both you and the Pelsyls blame their disbanding on the other side? You both view their loss as a damn shame, even if you won’t put it like that. They were people who, when the killing started, ran to help everyone. It’ll be messy, but Aratas can fix yourselves. If it’s natural and of your own choosing, it’s more likely to stick.”
I shifted with discomfort, feeling a cold grip on my heart. It was easy to suggest letting this all sort itself out, but what about the people that’d be lost in the meantime? There was no undoing that, ever! How was whatever staying power the natural course of time had worth permanent deaths, and the continued hatred that’d color so many lives? While I understood what Sagua was saying, I didn’t agree with her…and perhaps that was my justification to leave.
I’m morally compelled not to just sit by and let this happen; I don’t think I could bear it, and it has nothing to do with my ability to wait or to see the big picture. Didn’t Sagua say to care about the little things? These are real people that will suffer if I don’t give them the information to at least…have a choice to change now!
Aratas deserved the truth, both about the reasons behind the war and our afterlife fates. The people alive today only got one life, and nobody deserved to waste their days on Teska like I had; not when we had the tools to set them free. What about my squandered life, and all of the lies that I’d been fed by those close to me? How was I ever supposed to get closer without confronting that past? I was so angry at my mother that’d lied to me, and at my alive father who’d abandoned me!
I could find my parents and demand answers for why they’d done this to me! I couldn’t claim to be innocent if I left others in the dark. Besides, while it’d be wrong to snitch on Keensty and Ralto when the consequences were grave, I didn’t trust them to use the Watchers’ gifts for White Saltire type of causes. Going with them meant I could try to control how it was used. There was nothing for me on Teska other than my personal mission, so maybe I could come back after I did everything I intended to.
I can face the consequences with Sagua, and hope that she’ll have mercy and somehow forgive me one day. If my escapade shuts down the Watcher program, I deserve to be killed with everyone else. It was fluke that I was ever here to begin with.
“Maybe you’re right,” I placated, biting back the awful feeling in my gut and the urge to tell all. If I didn’t leave now, I knew I never would. “I’m going to go back to my room; I think some sleep will clear my head. Goodbye, Sagua. Thank you for sharing your vision of the future. It was…nice. I’m sorry for failing you.”
The human wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me. “You did nothing wrong! We’ll figure it out, I promise; you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to me about anything, my sweet Lucren. Good night. Text me in the morning!”
“Of course.” That’s a lie. I can’t. I held onto Sagua for one last moment, trying to form a memory of us being close that would tide me over after I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. “…I love you.”
Her eyes glowed with warmth. “Aw. I love you too.”
She allowed our gazes to linger for a few seconds longer, before fulfilling my wish to teleport me back to my room. A shroud of emptiness draped itself over me immediately, realizing that it might be the last time I ever saw Sagua; nothing was going to be the same, even if I did let my heart draw me back after upholding my duty to Keensty. There was no walking it back now, not without leaving Aratakind to keep spilling blood in ignorance and…killing my best friend. I remembered what that guilt had felt like just knowing I almost had.
This was the only way forward, regardless of how I wished that I could be a different person at a different time. When I woke up tomorrow morning, we would attempt our daring escape to put this place behind us.
A/N - 19! The sweet nothings, the I love yous, and the talks about the future and Aratas’ place in the galaxy all threaten to crumble, as Lucren’s escape is planned for the following day. Our narrator doesn’t want to leave his species to continue spilling blood in ignorance, but he doesn’t feel well at heart about abandoning her. How successful do you expect the escape to be? Will Lucren’s qualms hold him back?
As always, thank you for reading and supporting!