After Sagua finished viewing my memory of our last night together, her eyes had gone troubled. She’d told us that she needed time to think things over and decide what to do with us, unable to render a snap judgment. When the alien warped us back to our rooms, this time, I found that the doors were sealed shut; it was a small prison to pace with my thoughts, awaiting the condemnation of myself and the entire Watcher program.
We were lucky to be alive, especially when Keensty, Ralto, and Joldrin had been seconds from slitting throats. I trusted Sagua’s intentions more than theirs, so I was glad that she’d followed us. It was a weight off of my shoulders in a way, to know she’d see a worthless Arata now too; I deserved to be disowned. What good would my apology do, now that she’d known my treachery? She was right to despise me and silence my pleas. Any small mercy would be more than I deserved.
I was supposed to be the one person she latched onto and wanted to start a future with. She tried to show me the Watchers’ perspective and how difficult things were for her, and I’ve placed yet another squabble on her plate. I wouldn’t be surprised if she left, just like I did—without saying a word.
Sagua, of course, was better than me, because I found myself warped into her office. The sudden transit made my heart leap with joy to see her face again, rather than startling me. Now, I’d hear her verdict on my memories. The human appeared calmer than she’d been on the ship, gesturing for me to take a seat. I settled down on the opposite side of the desk and tried not to be bothered by the formality of the gesture. The tiredness was obvious in her blackened eyes, though I doubted she’d accept my comfort.
“I apologize, Lucren, I was hurt and some of the things I said were too harsh. You’ve been through a lot, and I can see you don’t like how this all played out any more than I do,” Sagua sighed, shocking me to my core. “The guilt has been weighing on you, because of the things that happened to you.”
I buried my head in my hands. “I’m so sorry! When we first met, I was just scared of you and it’s been going on for so long. I don’t expect you to understand. You don’t have to be kind to me, not anymore. I’m not worth it. I never was!”
“I understand your perspective better now. You’re trying to stop anyone else from dying because of…that Pelsyl, to stop the war because of the Mainbeam and your personal experience, and to get closure from your parents. Plus, one of the first things I told you was that the Watcher program was on the brink of shutting down. You didn’t want me to find out because…you thought Aratas were on their last straw?”
“I didn’t want the people I loved to die for insubordination, or for this program to be stopped. I know you’re tired of all of it. I mean, I am too. I honestly am.”
Sagua offered me a sad smile. “I saw you stop Keensty. That was very brave, to try to save a Pelsyl. I am proud of you for moving beyond the cycle of killing. If there was going to be an escape, you thought it was your duty to make sure our tech was used for good, rather than shafting one side.”
“They’re not monsters, any more than you were, for all of your powers. They’re just people,” I offered. “You did teach me. I’m…grateful that you took the time, and I’m sorry if it feels wasted on me. I’m not good like you are. Aratas in general aren’t, which is why you should make them be.”
“It’s not evil to think to yourself that you can’t let people die forever, to remain adamant that those are real lives that matter. To believe it’s immoral to sit by when this hatred is ruining lives, like it did for you. Caring about the little things does mean caring about one person’s suffering, not just the big picture. I’m sorry if I seem callous. You’ve seen and felt the pain this all has caused, far more than I ever will. It’s okay to disagree with me, though I wish you just said it.”
I gave her a slow nod. “I wish I did too. It’s all so stupid. I want to try to fix it, and believe others deserve a chance. Keensty said something about the Watchers’ charity being for the dead, not the living, and it stuck with me. I can’t see such wrongness and do nothing! I guess I’m impatient and dumb.”
“You’re young,” Sagua chuckled. “Sitting in the now is far harder for you. I always liked that passion about you, for better or for worse. Maybe we could temper each other out, in that respect. What was most important for me to see was that you do have feelings for me and you didn’t want to hurt me. You wanted to stay. You were going to come back.”
“I…don’t belong on Teska, Sagua. My devotion to lots of people pulled me in lots of directions, but the future with you was the one I coveted. You made me happy for the first time in a long time.”
“I love you, Lucren. I also put too much pressure on you, and rushed you into commitments you weren’t ready for. I can’t hold you to a higher standard than everyone else, when you’ve shown such progress despite these setbacks.”
My mouth went dry. “You…still love me?”
“Of course I do, which is why I’m going to let you go. You’re ready to join the wider multiverse, Lucren; the first one to graduate the Aratan Watcher program. I don’t intend to keep you trapped in this station forever. You shed the hatred and can be a productive member of our society. You’re free to leave and go anywhere you’d like, other than Teska. It’s your choice. Your destiny.”
I was quiet, feeling a coldness settle in my limbs. I don’t want to leave you, Sagua. Of course, it’s not like she’ll still have me, love aside, after knowing what the foundations of our relationship were. It’s over. I fucked up too much to ever repair.
“But,” the alien continued, avoiding my gaze and drumming her fingers in her desk, “were you to have a reason to stay, there’s a position as a Watcher waiting for you. This station is in desperate need of help. Aratas deserve to have someone good deciding your destiny. And I…would like to have you with me, working together to try to fix this.”
My jaw dropped to the floor, while my ears perked up with amazement. “You would let me be a Watcher, after everything I did?”
“We’d welcome your help with open arms. Whatever our differences on handling the living, the fact remains that we need someone to…find a way to mend the gap between the Pelsyls and the Treysyls in the afterlife. It will be a long, trying process, so having someone who really cares and knows firsthand would be invaluable. You seem to understand.”
“I understand that you’re amazing, and I’d do anything for a second chance. I always wanted to help you! I’ll stay, I’ll do whatever I can! Can I just ask you straightforward, about the ‘with me’ comment? I know I violated your trust, and I imagine I bungled any chances of calling you mine ever again, but is there anything I can do to try to win you back?”
Sagua gave me a coy smirk that made my heart skip a beat. “You could kiss me like you mean it.”
I lunged over the desk, knocking her nameplate and fluffy pens onto the floor. The human giggled and pressed both palms to my cheeks, compressing my fur with her warm mitts; she pulled my head closer, before leaning in enough that we could crash together. I crawled onward to try to reach her chair, but instead slipped and fell to the carpeted ground. Sagua burst into uncontrollable laughter, her face contorting as she struggled to breathe. I languished on the floor and acted like I was mortally wounded, reaching up to her with an outstretched palm.
I’m going to be a Watcher; that means looking out over the whole globe and overseeing the resurrected Aratas will be my job. What a grave responsibility, to hand me the power to fix things. I don’t know where to begin, but maybe, with Sagua by my side, there’s a small chance that I’ll figure it out.
“Get up,” Sagua chortled, teleporting a chair right alongside her. “I’m going to bring your friends in. I think it’s time we forced them to see from the other’s point of view. If I’m imposing my will on someone, it’s that those fuckers will get along.”
I sat down at her request, finding myself growing serious again, even through the happiness that enveloped me as I held her hand beneath the table. “I second this motion. They need a purpose beyond killing each other.”
The human blinked Joldrin, Ralto, and Keensty in a neat line in front of us. Resentment simmered in my best friend’s eyes, as it was clear that he remembered how I’d stopped him from getting the drop on the Pelsyl test pilot. Ralto, for his part, seemed a mix of smug under the impression that Keensty was going to be saddled with the blame; however, the Pelsyl also was giving me some quiet acknowledgment. I wondered if part of the reason he’d suggested to spare me was because I was special to Sagua.
Whatever his full reasons, Ralto doesn’t seem to hate me or want a needless quarrel with a bleeding heart. He sought to go home and was willing to let me do my thing. I wonder if he’d be amenable to the idea of being my first Pelsyl friend? We could try to at least talk.
“I’ve decided on a punishment for all of you,” Sagua stated. “You’re going to memoryshare with each other for half an hour every day. That means you view their memories with their feelings, and vice versa, and you go around in a circle. I’ll show you how to do it through the nanobots, but you will do it, unless you want to face hard time. Trust me, we have long definitions of the time part.”
Joldrin spit on the ground. “I don’t want to see memories of that Treysyl fucking his whore-mom.”
Keensty brandished his claws, before finding himself warped at a ninety degree angle so he fell sideways to the ground. “Hey! Did you hear what he said?”
“Yes,” Sagua replied. “Joldrin, apologize.”
“I’m sorry because she told me I have to be,” Joldrin huffed. “You’ll never make me mean it, alien. Those Treysyl are subAratan.”
“You both need to see how the other thinks, feels, and lives! I expect you to try to pick shitty things like scratching your asses or having food poisoning. That’s why you’re going to send them to me first to vet, and I’ll pick from those.”
“I’d actually like to understand what goes on in the other side’s head. Know your enemy and all that,” Ralto grunted. “What a tool you aliens have.”
I cleared my throat. “Sagua, if I may. Would I be allowed to participate in the memorywalk sharing sessions? I’d like to see firsthand where everyone is coming from, and have more experience with the Pelsyls as people. I never got that chance in my old life.”
“You deserve the chance to grow now. I’m proud of you for wanting to see the situation for what it really is,” Sagua whispered, squeezing my hand beneath the table. “It’s settled then. Trust me, it’s eye-opening to know what’s in someone’s thoughts. There’s no greater transparency. I hope with all of my heart that you’ll find it enlightening.”
The alien didn’t give Joldrin, Ralto, and Keensty any time to negotiate, instead warping them away. I couldn’t help but to grimace when they were gone, hating the rift between me and my best friend. However, I knew just how lucky I was to have Sagua’s forgiveness and to be able to take a stab at salvaging the Watcher program as her peer. It’d be a long time until I’d ever begin to feel worthy of the gifts that had fallen into my lap, but I hoped I could live up to her graciousness as best as possible.
With most Aratas still jumping at each other’s throats, Sagua and I had a lot of work to do to bring about real change on the Watchers’ station. It wouldn’t be easy, but if she wasn’t giving up on Aratas after everything, then neither was I.
A/N - 21! Sagua, understanding Lucren’s fears and genuine intent to save lives, notes that she saw him stop Keensty. She permits him to leave anywhere in the multiverse except for Teska, but Lucren decides to stay and become a Watcher himself when given the chance. Meanwhile, for the others who acted out of hate, Sagua decides that they need to memoryshare to understand each other. Do you think her plan will help them get along?
As always, thank you for reading and supporting!