Preface
You guys liked the first one, so here’s Blaise being unhinged for a few more replies.
I owe another chapter of Troll this month but didn't finish the main story in time because I usually do outlines after an arc. Anyway, this is still Troll so I'm cheating a bit.
Ask the Daily Prophet 2
Dear Daily Prophet,
Eeeee!!!
Gilderoy Lockhart is going to be our new DADA professor!
That’s the best, most exciting news I’ve heard all year. Can you imagine how amazing next year will be?
Oh! Tell me how I can be his favorite. I need to know. What kind of snacks does he like? Favorite perfume? Color? Type of woman? He wouldn’t be too upset about an age gap, right?
Thrilled,
Lockhart Superfan
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Lockhart Superfan,
Why? No really, why would you ever want something like that?
Fine, whatever. If you want to be his favorite, just fuel his ego and wear a lot of lilac. That's really all there is to it. He's a simple man.
Truly baffled,
The Daily Prophet
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Dear Daily Prophet
No need to be jealous, Blaise. Are you worried that you won't be the best looking guy next year? Don’t worry, you’re still very handsome.
Disappointed in you,
Lockhart Superfan
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Lavender,
You're not clever. I gave you the answer. He's just not as heroic nor altruistic as the self-insert fanfictions he passes off as autobiographies make him out to be. Look, if you want fictional, self-aggrandizing wankfests told in the first person, read the Ciaphas Cain anthologies when they come out. At least those are hilarious.
I don't feel the need to compare myself to a middle-aged man who’s got a single spell under his belt and somehow managed to nat-20 himself into relevance. There are a great many reasons why I do not respect “Professor” Lockhart, none of which involve my own appearance.
Trust the seer and keep your distance,
The Daily Prophet
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
My pet rock keeps trying to run away. What should I do?
Confused,
Rock Collector
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Rock Collector,
Point your wand at it. Then, in a loud, clear voice, say, “Bombarda maxima!” That’ll show it to get delusions of freedom. And hey, you’ll have more rocks for your collection.
Plus, you’ll be able to tell everyone you’re a qualified midwife. You helped your pet give birth, right? That’s how it works, I think.
Still not a vet,
The Daily Prophet
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
My reflection winked at me. What the actual fuck?
Feeling creeped out,
Nervous Muggleborn
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Nervous Muggleborn,
You didn’t have to clarify that you were a muggleborn. The palpable aura of fear dripping off the parchment was a dead giveaway.
You’re haunted by a poltergeist. Or rather, the apartment you moved into is haunted by a poltergeist. Her name is Lisa and she’s actually quite nice. She formed when your apartment building used to be a big row house for children about a century ago.
Congratulations on your new roommate,
The Daily Prophet
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Dear Daily Prophet,
How do I get rid of her? I don’t want to live in a haunted building!
Feeling upset,
Nervous Muggleborn
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Nervous Muggleborn,
Wow, that’s rude. Have you considered that you’re the one moving into her house? She was a tenant long before you were born. I’m pretty sure she’s got squatter’s rights.
Congratulations on your new, yet very old roommate,
The Daily Prophet
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Dear Daily Prophet,
She has no rights! I looked it up and poltergeists are classified as Non-Human Spiritous Apparitions. That means she’s not even technically alive!
Help me,
Haunted Muggleborn
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Haunted Muggleborn,
Well, you’re the muggleborn. You should know the answer to this question already. You even have a song about it.
How’d it go again? Right…
If there’s somethin’ strange,In your neighborhood,Who you gon’ call?
If there’s somethin’ weird,And it don’t look good,Who you gon’ call?
Clearly not the right person to call,
The Daily Prophet
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Dear Daily Prophet,
The Ghostbusters are real?!?!
Mind blown,
Excited Muggleborn
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Excited Muggleborn,
Of course they’re real. In fact, Lord Malfoy sold them the enchanted vacuum cleaner they use. He contracts them out to gather ectoplasm because it’s an essential part of Lady Malfoy’s skincare routine. Soft as a baby’s ass, springy like an upturned grave.
Can you tell I’m fucking with you yet?
Sarcastically,
The Daily Prophet
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[The following exchange devolves into increasingly inappropriate cursing and references to a “Ghost Nappa,” whom The Daily Prophet insists is “the superior Ghostbuster.”]
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
I’m having a debate with my brother. Please, we need the definitive judgment of a seer.
What is objectively the best oatmeal topping? I say apple and cinnamon. He says blueberry and almond.
Seriously yours,
Sisters are Always Right
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Sisters are Always Right
For starters, you both listed two toppings.
Secondly, you’re both wrong. It’s objectively maple, the authentic stuff you get from shoving a catheter into a tree in Vermont.
Maple acts as the bridge between savory and sweet flavors. It goes well with berries, nuts, or even bits of crisped bacon if you’re so inclined. There are no bad pairings so long as maple acts as the glue holding it all together.
More importantly, I’m concerned that you felt the need to ask a seer to weigh in on this subject. Have you considered that you two may have bigger issues than a quibble over breakfast toppings? Sibling rivalries are fine, but there is a limit to pettiness.
Seek help,
The Daily Prophet
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
I’m from a muggle household. My parents are both navy kids. My dad really wants me to join the Royal Navy. Am I allowed to do that? You know, as a wizard.
Feeling conflicted,
Navy Brat
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Navy Brat,
Of course you can. Following Hogwarts, you should be twenty-one or twenty-two years old. At that point, you will be an adult in both societies. You can do whatever you want, provided you do not break the Statute of Secrecy.
The better question is, do you want to? I mean this with all seriousness. Don’t join the military to make your parents proud or upkeep a family legacy. At the end of the day, it’s your life, not theirs.
Sincerely,
The Daily Prophet
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Dear Daily Prophet,
Thanks, you actually do give good advice when you’re not being a right wanker about things.
I… I don’t really want to join the navy. Living in cramped quarters, eating military rations, and having to hide my magic for months on end, it honestly sounds pretty miserable. How do I tell my parents that though? I don’t want to let them down.
Still conflicted,
Navy Brat
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Navy Brat,
You know, this is why I feel that Hogwarts is lacking. Oh sure, its magical education is top notch, but there are aspects of life that I feel the school simply does not sufficiently address. The “real world,” as people sometimes put it, is more than charms homework and potions recipes.
Hogwarts shunts you into houses where most people think and act like you. This creates a distinct in-group and out-group. Your beliefs are seldom challenged by your in-group and I think it really stunts your emotional and relational maturity. At the very least, a grown man ought to be willing to have hard conversations about the things he wants out of life, right?
Lucky for you, I have a template you can use. Try this: “Mother, father, I’m too much of a bitch to tell you that I don’t want to join the navy. Seeing how my bitch-ass self can’t even have an adult conversation with you about my pathetic, bitch-ass future, I think it’s fair to say the military is too manly for my bitch-ass self.”
Your parents raised a bitch,
The Daily Prophet
PS: If you didn’t like that, you can just tell your dad you’re gay. That’ll still be an option for a couple more years.
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[The following exchange is not fit for civilized eyes and has been redacted. This, it seems, will remain a constant theme of this column.]
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
I have been working on a new potion. It is similar to polyjuice in that it is meant to temporarily transfigure the drinker. However, unlike polyjuice, it will, in theory, turn the drinker into anything at all, not just another human.
I have tested the formula on many animals, but have yet to move on to human experimentation. For obvious reasons, I am reluctant to take this next step in the development process.
I understand that this is a longshot, but is there a way for you to foresee the results of this potion on humans? If it helps focus your gaze, I call this potion the omnijuice. Because, you know, it’s a better version of polyjuice.
Best regards,
Nervous Potioneer
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Nervous Potioneer,
Sorry to get back to you late, but I had to do some research on this myself. You were right to ask. There's a reason human transfiguration is NEWT-level stuff.
For the uninitiated, all living things have some minor resistance to magic, especially magic which attempts to change them directly. This is doubly true of humans, centaurs, and other intelligent races. Usually, intelligence and magic resistance are correlated, though exceptions do exist, such as trolls and dragons.
As you'd expect, being innately magical also greatly improves your resistance to foreign spells. Kneazles are more resistant than muggle cats, wizards are more resistant than muggles; you get the idea.
Further, there is a certain stiffness to magic, for lack of a better word. Wizards have a much easier time modifying aspects of themselves, such as straightening their bed hair or changing their eye color, than growing a distinctly inhuman appendage. You cannot, for example, turn your tongue into a squid tentacle. Well, you could, but it’s far more difficult than a standard cosmetic charm.
The exact reason is complicated, but it has to do with our perception of our identity. We are human. That truth is so ingrained in us that changes deviating from this are much more difficult than the myriad cosmetic charms out there. Sure, gag gifts and prank items exist, but they’re extremely limited and temporary for a reason.
What you've made, while interesting, will not work the way you think it will. The polyjuice potion does not violate the basic truth, “I am human,” while your omnijuice certainly would. It's like trying to force a person to speedrun an animagus transformation without having them lock on to a spirit animal that suits them. Bad idea.
I'm not saying it isn't doable, but I would be very careful. I know you don't want to share the glory, but consider consulting a transfiguration expert. An expert opinion is always worth the price.
Sincerely,
The Daily Prophet
PS: Really? Omnijuice? Think up a better name than that while you’re at it.
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
I’m a new Hogwarts graduate. I wasn’t bad in school or anything, but I was never the best at anything, either. I got two NEWTs and just kinda cruised through my sixth and seventh years. Look, I know I should have tried harder. You don’t have to point that out to me.
I’m just… a little lost, I guess. Mom says that everyone has a special talent, but I don’t know. I’m starting to think I’m the exception. Is there something I’m good at? What business should I go into?
Anxiously,
Bad At Adulting
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Bad At Adulting,
Believe it or not, that feeling is quite common among young adults. You are far from alone. It has nothing to do with your scholastic achievements, or lack thereof. That feeling is born from your anxiety and sense that Hogwarts has not prepared you for your adult life.
Hogwarts may be the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world, but it does fall short in a few, practical matters. Do you know how to file taxes? Can you cook? Do laundry? How many basic household charms do you know? Do you know where to go to acquire a new place of residence or start a business? What should you do if you ever lose or break your wand?
If you can’t/don’t know these things, why not? If it were up to me, I would require a mandatory series of seminars addressing the subjects you will need to live as a functional, productive member of wizarding society. Magic is all well and good, but I don’t think your problem is that you didn’t study hard enough. If anything, it’s that you didn’t learn the right subjects.
I recommend making a list of all the questions you have. Ask a friend, or simply someone older than you. Yes, it can be a little embarrassing, but if Hogwarts has taught you one lesson, it should be that the search for knowledge is never a thing to be ashamed of.
As for what you personally excel at, I won’t tell you that. Frankly, any wizard with even the simplest understanding of household charms shouldn’t have any trouble meeting his own basic needs. The rest is a matter of discovering the things you personally find fulfilling.
You’ve got lots of studying to do,
The Daily Prophet
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
Why does everyone hate the Chudley Cannons? The League’s out to get them! They deserve the cup!
Go cannons,
Cannons Fan
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Cannons Fan,
Fan. Singular. In this case, I assume this is because you are quite literally the sole existing fan of the Chudley Cannons.
Hooh, boy. Jokes aside, I know you’re not ready for the truth, but this column was never about you. It’s about me, and the things that amuse me. So, truth, you shall get: No one hates the cannons. No one’s out to get them. They just suck. They are objectively bad players.
Did you know? There’s a current Hogwarts sixth year who is doing a NEWT-level project in arithmancy to model how much they suck. That’s right, someone out there can mathematically prove to you that your favorite team is shit. Not just this year, but historically. And if you were smarter, you might even appreciate the sound statistical principles that went into the model.
Now, the better question is why the Cannons have a fan at all. My personal hypothesis is that you project your own mediocrity onto them. You’ve made them champions of the talentless. You pray for their success so that you might vicariously bask in their glory.
That glory isn’t coming,
The Daily Prophet
PS: Okay, let me be serious for a second. You can like the Cannons.
In a vacuum, they’re all individually great players. They’re pros, after all. It takes a lot to be on the pitch at all. As the White Mamba will one day say, “I’m closer to LeBron than you are to me.”
Just don’t make the Cannons your whole personality, yeah?
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
There’s this girl I like. How do I get her to like me back?
Madly in love,
Mr. Romantic
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Mr. Romantic,
You guys know that I’ve never been on a date, right? What you’re doing is the equivalent of asking Professor Trelawney which AA meetings are the most productive. If she knew, she’d probably be a better professor.
Look, be yourself. If she doesn’t like you, then find out what she doesn’t like about you. Then, decide if you’re willing to change that part of yourself for her. If not, then move on; you’re not compatible. If you want more tailored advice, ask someone who knows you both.
Tired of romance,
The Daily Prophet
PS: Mother recommends losing your virginity. Find a prostitute who’ll put some hair on your chest. Then maybe, you won’t freeze up like a statue every time you see her.
PPS: I do not recommend this.
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
What is the most interesting rumor or information that you are willing to share? Please, I need that forbidden gossip.
Waiting eagerly,
Shameless Gossip
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Shameless Gossip,
Well, as a matter of fact, I do have something to share. It happened just this morning. A mother of seven went on a psychotic rampage at Ottery St. Catchpole. She murdered her own children and ate them alive, leaving nothing but strips of bloodied flesh in their home.
Truly disturbed,
The Daily Prophet
PS: They’re rabbits. They do that sometimes.
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
Would you kindly point me towards some form of practical divination for those of us without the sight? I've been fascinated by this column and dowsing rods.
Sincerely,
Blind Mind
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Blind Mind,
Dousing rods can work, but not for what you’re thinking. They were originally made either from the bone of a magical creature or a magically reactive metal such as silver or mithril.
The goal was not to find underground water, but to trace the ley lines, the “veins of the planet” through which the world’s magic flows most cleanly. Using them, our ancestors identified magically potent areas to live in. Hogwarts is one such example.
They can be used to find water too, but that’s more of a coincidence than anything. Muggles took to the practice, with obviously poor results.
As for divination for those without the Sight, that really depends on what you want. Personally, I divide divination into three broad schools: precognition, pericognition, and postcognition.
Precognition is what everyone thinks of: future sight. If you’re looking for this, you’re shit out of luck. You can try to calculate the probability of future events via arithmancy, but those numerical models become impossible to manipulate the more variables you introduce. Even with the assistance of muggle computers, there’s a certain randomness that arithmantic models cannot quantify.
I’ve read that some cultures around the world have tried different things to allow a witch or wizard to develop the Sight artificially. Such rituals usually involve blood sacrifice and copious amounts of drugs. Really, I do not recommend them. Essentially, Fate’s a bitch and she really doesn’t like to share.
The other two schools are much more accessible. Keep in mind that divination is ultimately the use of magic to acquire information. A sneakoscope, remembrall, and pensive are all artifacts that enable divination in some form. They’re pricey, but very interesting if you understand their underlying mechanics.
Don’t hold your breath,
The Daily Prophet
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
Does Magical Britain have any form of birth control or sexual contraceptive? Also, are they tax deductible?
Curiously yours,
Aroused but Fiscally Conscious
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Aroused but Fiscally Conscious,
Not gonna lie, I laughed out loud at this. With men, we call this post-nut clarity, you know, after you rub one out and you feel like the universe has bestowed sacred wisdom upon you.
You’re a woman though, so I’m not quite sure what to call it. Vaginal veritas? I mean, we as a society have decided to butcher Latin so why the fuck not, eh?
Anyway, yes, the wizarding world does have contraceptive spells. There are potions, too. Find them on your own; they’re pretty accessible. I recommend the spells because you can cast them whenever you need them.
And if you can’t learn a single charm, then maybe you should practice abstinence and take yourself out of the gene pool. You know, for the good of magical society. As for whether they’re tax deductible, yes, but only when they fail. That’s called childcare.
Informatively,
The Daily Prophet
X
Dear Daily Prophet,
I want to get into wandmaking. I think it’s unfair that the Ollivander and Gregorovitch families have been monopolizing the industry for centuries. I think that if I can make a wand out of a unique wood, then I can break into the industry.
Where can I find a unique wood no one’s ever used before?
Requesting assistance,
Novice Wandmaker
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Novice Wandmaker,
Have you considered that wandwoods in use today are used because they’re the most magically conductive? If no one uses a tree for wandmaking, that might be because it’s no good.
Moreover, you’re downplaying how important the core can be. You need connections to acquire the right materials. Those families have built up networks for acquiring dragon heartstring, unicorn hair, and whatever else. There are also several rituals that go into the enchanting process. This means runes, arithmancy, and even astronomy.
I don’t mean to discourage you, but wandmaking is a highly complex art. It requires a great deal more education, resources, and magical power than most people have. There’s a reason it’s such a niche skillset. I, the most irreverent sonuvabitch alive, respect Ollivander. That should tell you something.
That said, and please understand that this is a complete amateur’s suggestion, I recommend using the sandbox tree. I have no idea how magically conductive it is, but it’d certainly make for an interesting wandwood. It’s native to the United States, specifically Florida.
Regards,
The Daily Prophet
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Dear Daily Prophet,
What is this tree? Why is it poisonous? Why does it have thorns? Why does it explode?
Shocked,
Novice Wandmaker
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Novice Wandmaker,
I know, right? Its fruit will explode, flinging seeds at one hundred miles per hour. It’s also poisonous so eating it will give you cramps, diarrhea, and make you vomit.
To be honest, I can’t believe this thing’s a nonmagical tree, either. You did ask for a wood no one’s ever used for wandmaking, right? Well, here it is. Since it’s completely nonmagical, getting some of it imported shouldn’t be too pricey. Whether it’ll work as a wandwood is questionable, but it certainly sounds interesting.
Let me know how it turns out,
The Daily Prophet
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Dear Daily Prophet,
Okay, I’ve made a wand from the sandbox tree. I also used a feather from my owl because I couldn’t acquire a phoenix feather.
The wand only shoots bombardas. Lumos? Boom. Leviosa? Boom. Actual bombarda? Big boom. Sometimes, the smoke takes the shape of a shirtless man in a cowboy hat riding an alligator. I don’t know what’s happening.
Bewildered,
Novice Wandmaker
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Novice Wandmaker,
Congratulations, you have Florida-Man, the wand. It’s an accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself.
Suitably entertained,
The Daily Prophet
Author’s Note
Some of these questions were submitted by my readers. Thanks for that; it saved me some time. If you want a third installment of this, feel free to drop your questions.
Animal Fact: Ooh, here’s a disturbing one I learned about recently. There is a trematode parasite that preys upon snails. They infect and destroy the snails’ gonads in a process called parasitic castration.
Fascinatingly, this has the effect of making the infected snails grow much larger. It’s thought that this is because without gonads, these snails do not expend resources into reproduction, leaving more for general survival and health. This phenomenon is called parasitic gigantism.