Legend of the Snowman-Mancer 15
Euri Lawrence
It took me a little while to clean things up on my end. Signora’s two attendants needed to be sent off. My new popsicle-snowboard needed to be stashed away in Dragonspine. My dear Uncle Schubert needed to be taught a lesson and evidence of his crimes gathered.
And of course, I needed to pick up Durin. Or, maybe not? Before heading out to meet with Signora, I’d chucked him through Klee’s window so he could get acquainted with his “cousin.” As a son of Rhinedottor, it was a travesty that he hadn’t met Alice’s daughter yet. Truthfully, I had no idea what I’d find when I went to pick him up later.
I’d been a busy little bee. It was only now that I got the chance to see to my own injuries. Signora was not weak. Taking her alive hadn’t been as easy as I’d hoped and steam burns weren’t fun. Which was why I was here, visiting the closest thing our fine nation had to a hospital.
“Barbara, my goddess~" I sang as I blasted through the Favonius Cathedral doors. I stalked into the church and swept her up in a big hug.
Barbara Gunnhildr, the more adorable, and therefore greater of the Gunnhildr siblings, squeaked in surprise before returning the hug. “Euri! Congratulations! You’re a knight again!”
“You already congratulated me at the reinstatement ceremony.”
“Yes, but still, you were a snowman, then. You’re back!” Then, she looked up at me, cheeks puffed in a devastating pout. Tiny feet kicked at my shins. “And stop calling me ‘goddess!’ That’s blasphemy! And you’re going to make people misunderstand!”
“Ah, but your fan club is only giving you the adoration you deserve,” I laughed as she growled like an especially nonthreatening kitten. “Like a cult, but cuter.”
“It’s blasphemy!”
“Yes? You said that. So?”
“You used to say you can do what you want because you’re not a knight. Well, you’re a knight, now! You can’t commit blasphemy! Especially in church!”
“But Barbara, my love, your healing mastery of Hydro is greater than even the Hydro Archon’s!” I declared with a grand sweep of my arms. “She is a flamboyant fop who prances on a stage all day while you are the shining light of Mondstadt! There is truly no comparison!”
“That’s blasphemy times two! Stop that!” She huffed in annoyance, which meant I had approximately three more quips before she ran off and refused to talk to me until I bribed her with cake. Or new songs. Either worked fine with her.
“Haha, fine, fine. I’ll stop, even if ol’ Barby really doesn’t care half as much as you nuns do.”
“Well? Why are you here?”
“I can’t come by to visit Mondstadt’s very own idol?”
“You’re allergic to church. And sermons,” came a voice behind us. Rosaria, stalked out from behind a pillar, a silver goblet in hand. “Half the sisters are watching you like they expect you to spontaneously combust for entering a holy site.”
I chuckled as several nuns suddenly occupied themselves with a dozen odd tasks. “Bah, let them think what they want. For people who’ve dedicated themselves to a god, they sure don’t know much about ol’ Barby.”
“And you do, of course.”
“More than most, I should think.”
“Come on, then. The infirmary is this way,” she said, stalking off.
“Infirma–Wait, you’re hurt?” Barbara yelped in surprise. She immediately began patting me down and fussing over me. “Euri! Why didn’t you say that sooner!”
I rolled my eyes and tousled her hair. “Because you’ll fret like a mother hen, darling. It’s not that serious. What gave it away?”
Rosaria looked back. She handed me the goblet, filled with ceremonial wine. “You’re right-handed. You put Barbara’s weight more on your left hand when you lifted her earlier. Besides, why else would the great Snowman-Mancer step foot in church?”
“Touche, Rosaria, touche,” I said, chuckling. I drained the goblet in one pull. “Huh, that’s good wine. Maybe I should come by more often if this is how you treat guests.”
I felt a sharp jab in my ribs. Barbara glared up at me with a lot more spunk than most people gave her credit for. “The church is not the Dawn Winery. You will not come here to get drunk.”
“Of course not, dear sister. I wouldn’t dream of it.” I caved immediately, hands held out in surrender. Mondstadt did tend to be rather free-spirited, both kinds of “spirits.” I’d hardly be the first to take a liking for the ceremonial wine.
“Good,” she said primly as she ushered me into the infirmary. She set me on the bed and motioned for me to remove my shirt. “Now, what’s this about you being injured?”
“It’s just a few burns, nothing I can’t handle,” I replied as I shrugged off my jacket.
I peeled off my shirt, revealing the extent of the damage. My right arm was completely red. I’d used it to shield my face as I flew away from Signora’s initial eruption. Patches of my chest were similarly splotchy and swollen, from when I could not quite escape the exploding butterflies.
That was the trouble with steam. It didn’t really care whether you were wearing a shirt or not. If anything, it clung to clothes and made the scalding persist longer. I’d be fine on my own, but Barbara was a miracle-worker who could wash away weeks of stiffness and pain.
“Burns? What were you fighting?” she asked in alarm.
“Why do you assume I was fighting someone?”
“Aha, so you were fighting a person! You just said ‘someone,’ not ‘something.’”
I groaned. “Ugh, who taught you to be so perceptive, Barbara?”
“You did,” she said with a bright, proud smile.
“Oh, right… Why did I do that?”
“Because you said I’d need to be more perceptive if I wanted to make sure Sister Rosaria attended prayers on time.”
“Thanks for that,” said sister drawled. Then, she was all business. “Threat level? Anything I should know about?”
I waved down her concerns with a friendly smile. Rosaria was great, but hardly comparable to a Harbinger. “Nah, it’s fine. Taken care of.”
“Understood.” She stood and took the now empty goblet from me. “Want more wine? They really did get a good batch this time.”
“Sister Rosaria!” Barbara gasped, scandalized.
“Hey, it’s for fortifying the injured.”
“Definitely,” I nodded eagerly. Then, with a sagely smile, “‘Freedom is the vastness of the sky. Kindness is the gentle rain through which our hearts are nourished.’ Surely a sister of the cloth would not turn down a bit of fortifying wine for a brave knight who fought in defense of Mondstadt.”
“Oh, so now you can quote scripture,” Barbara griped in annoyance.
Despite her disapproval, she didn’t fuss about it anymore. She placed her hands over my chest. Her Hydro Vision glowed as moisture was drawn from around her.
The water touched me and I let out an involuntary sigh of relief. Hydro energy sank into my swollen flesh. As I watched, the burns reversed themselves and the pain ebbed. I was back in fighting shape within the hour. Truly, it was no wonder she was considered Mondstadt’s idol.
X
Jean Gunnhildr
The Goth Grand Hotel was a historic building owned by one Ludwig Goth, one of the wealthiest men in Mondstadt. The building was a large mansion that had been converted into the finest hotel in Mondstadt. Its usual clientele was made up of wealthy merchants and diplomats.
Though, for the past few weeks, it’d been rented out in its entirety by the Fatui. Pantalone, Ninth of the Harbingers, spent an exorbitant sum to guarantee the organization an exclusive foothold in Mondstadt.
As Acting Grandmaster of the Knights of Favonius, I regularly found myself here to discuss important matters. I didn’t mind so much. The hotel wasn’t far from my office and had an excellent selection of teas.
I hadn’t expected to be called here today, however. With the Stormterror Affair wrapped up, I figured I’d get a moment to breathe. Euri had done as promised; he’d proven beyond a shadow of doubt that Mondstadt did not need anyone else’s protection, and without a single death.
So when a runner came by my office, I assumed the Fatui ambassador wanted to discuss their withdrawal from the city away from prying ears. I’d have lunch, enjoy Goth’s tea selection, and say some diplomatic niceties.
Then, I met two Fatui cicin mages who claimed to be the Eighth Harbinger’s personal attendants. I listened and felt blood drain from my face.
“I’m sorry, Euri did what?!?!”
X
Euri Lawrence
After getting myself fixed up, I headed back to the Knights of Favonius headquarters. It was time to see how Durin was getting along with Klee.
I called upon my Vision. A snowball formed around my head even as I withdrew a large carrot and several river stones from my hammerspace. The nose, mouth, and eyes were formed. A pair of ravens formed on my shoulders, acting as my eyes.
I kicked in the doors with a raucous laugh. “Mwahahaha! Behold my glory, peasants!”
“What the fuck?” one of the guards yelped in surprise. He went for his sword, but I wasn’t especially worried.
We always had two knights stationed in the lobby. Charitably, it was an important job. They were to guide visitors and be the face of the organization. And, it was obviously important to guard our headquarters.
More realistically, no one sane was going to attack our headquarters. Anyone strong enough to consider making the attempt sure as shit wasn’t going to be intimidated by these two. This was the definition of a do-nothing position.
“Euri Lawrence!” one of the knights–I was pretty sure his name was Martin–shouted. “What the hell are you up to now?”
“I am not Euri Lawrence! I don’t know who that is! Though, by his name, he sure sounds like he would be a powerful, magnificent, and devilishly handsome bastard,” I replied, making the snowman’s smile widen. I spread my arms wide with pride. A candy cane scepter formed in my hand so I could wave it grandly. “I am Jack Frost, King of the Snowmen! Conqueror of the Penguin Princedom! Slayer of Santa’s reindeer! Stand in awe and tremble!”
“I don’t care what you’re up to! You can’t just barge in here and cause a sce–”
“Of course I can! That is what a raid is!” I slammed the foot of my scepter on the ground. Twin pillars of ice erupted from the floor, pinning them to the wall. “Klee, Princess of Dodoland, I have come to rescue you!”
I marched up to Klee’s solitary confinement room. Ice formed a key in my hand. Really, being a sculptor was a lot more useful than people expected.
Then, to my surprise, the door opened on its own. There, I saw the adorable sight of Klee and Durin, in his miniature form, of course. Klee was using his tail as a pillow and the tiny dragon curled himself around her. On her lap was a picture book they were reading together.
Both were expected. I was the one who chucked Durin through her window. The real surprise was the gorgeous blonde in the most hilariously impractical witch’s hat I’d ever seen sitting next to them.
Still, I’d never been the type to be on the back foot for long. I improvised, sweeping down to one knee in an elegant bow. “Oh, today is a glorious day, for I am graced with the presence of the Dodoking!”
Alice, quite possibly the scariest woman alive, didn’t miss a beat. “The pleasure is mine, oh King of Snowmen. I’m sure those reindeer had it coming.”
“Indeed, they were delicious. Santa even provided the coals to smoke them with.”
“Mr. Euri!” Klee said happily. “Are you here to read with Klee, too?”
“Of course,” I said as the snowman costume fell away. Klee’s mother sat comfortably at the top of my list of “people not to be fucked with.” “What are you reading, Klee? Have you and Durin had fun?”
“Uh-huh! Klee told me all about the dodoco,” Durin said, nodding eagerly. “She said they eat apples with jam and their name means ‘bestest friend.’ Euri, why didn’t you tell me apples with jam taste so good?”
That caught me by surprise. Durin’s body was that of a snow golem. Sure, it was a masterpiece I could present proudly to even an adeptus, but it was still a golem, with the limitations that implied. Needless to say, he couldn’t taste anything. That was one sense that I never managed to replicate with snow as the medium.
I eyed the half-full plate of apple slices and jam, then the slight discoloration around his mouth. Slowly, I looked at Alice, who smiled like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. She nodded subtly.
Dots connected. Alice was a woman who could project her consciousness across entire dimensions to inhabit random dodoco plushies. It was actually how she often chose to spend time with her daughter. Her mastery of perception and sensory magics far outstripped mine.
I bowed again, this time more sincerely. “Thank you for giving Durin a tongue to taste with, Alice. I tried, but never could manage it.”
“Oh, it was no problem at all. I hardly had to do anything,” she giggled in amusement. “Really, you’re quite the promising mage yourself, Euri. Your approach to integrating his soul into a golem body, while not quite up to Rhinedottor’s standard, was novel and refreshing. I dare say you would have figured it out in a few more months, a year at most.”
“Still, thank you. I wanted Durin to experience life, all the things he missed out on in his first time around.”
“And now, thanks to you, he can.” She handed me a book. It was bound in leather, though of which beast, I could not begin to guess. The corners were capped with sterling silver and the cover depicted, of course, the Dodoking herself in all her fluffy glory. “Let’s call it a bit of… homework, shall we?”
“Is this for Euri the alchemist, Euri the ice mage, or Euri the false oracle?”
“I included a little bit of everything. You have a lot more leeway than I do when it comes to how much you can meddle in Teyvat’s affairs. I trust you’ll make good use of it.”
“Thank you for your guidance,” I bowed my head a third time. Whatever was inside, it was without a doubt, bound to be enlightening. “Durin, buddy, we’ll get you loads of tasty things. We’ll pig out so you can figure out what your favorite foods are.”
“Promise?” he asked hopefully. His big, scarlet quartz eyes gleamed up at me.
“Of course. There are Li and Yue-style cuisines in Liyue. Inazuma has fantastic seafood. Oh, and curries in Sumeru. We’ll even raid Meropide to break out Escoffier so she can cook Fontanian gastronomy for us.”
“Are… Are you going away, Mr. Euri?” Klee asked, in that way kids did when they were sad but trying not to show it.
“For a little while, but we’ll visit frequently,” I promised. “Durin can fly, and powerful Vision-wielders can use the Waypoints, remember?”
“Okay–”
Just as we were settling in to eat snacks and read a book, I heard it. It was the voice of rage and sheer, mind-numbing bafflement. The four winds carried it to every corner of Mondstadt.
“Euri! Erasmus! Lawrence! What have you done?!?!” Jean shouted from the direction of the Goth Grand Hotel.
I felt a bead of cold sweat drip down my back. Slowly, I turned a hopeful gaze towards my only hope of salvation. “Ah… Wise and mighty Dodoking, who is as great as she is gracious, might this humble one seek asylum in Dodoland?”
“Hmm…” Alice giggled. With a finger on her chin in thought, I almost believed she was considering it. Then, she drained my hopes like Venti drained Diluc’s cellar. “No, I’m afraid this would violate the diplomatic treaty Dodoland has with Mondstadt. Oh, King of Winter, as they say around these parts, ‘May the wind lead.’”
“The ‘wind’ is the problem…” I got the sneaking suspicion that I’d need to visit Barbara again.
Author’s Note
Heh. Barbara is cute. Klee is cute. Durin is cute. Alice is a troll. That is all.
Animal Fact: The Galapagos giant tortoise can float. Yes, these five hundred pound living boulders are buoyant. Despite being absolutely massive, the shells are lighter than they seem thanks to a lattice network of air pockets, not unlike a honeycomb.
Scientists believe that they floated from the closest continental land mass, Ecuador, over two million years ago. Either that, or they once had the ability to swim in a quasi-doggie paddle. What’s amazing about this is that “closest” is a relative word. Ecuador is still 620 miles (1,000 km) away.