The River King 19
Brian Laborn
Dad once told me that “To a dying monkey, every tree is slippery.” He said that like some shit was just meant to be; my old man could be weirdly superstitious sometimes.
Then again, he remembered what it was like to grow up in a world without superpowers. I supposed that if there was ever a good reason to get spiritual, waking up one day to a golden man flying around like a messiah wasn’t a bad one.
I didn’t know about fate or whatever, but that monkey? I got it. I understood in the same way a high-functioning alcoholic understood his tolerance, through painful experience. I held on for dear life atop Brutus’ back. In front of me was Bitch. To either side were Angelica and Judas, Regent and Tattletale atop either.
Bitch’s three, enhanced dogs raced across the rooftops like bats out of hell. The bony growths and hard, corded muscles left wicked bruises on my ass and thighs, but it was worth it. Anything was better than getting blown up by Oni Lee.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. The job sounded easy on paper. The boss, who was apparently Coil of all people, wanted us to hit a strip club. It was located two blocks into ABB territory, but still close enough to the outskirts that it could be considered a part of the no man’s land.
Coil wasn’t even taking a cut from this. I figured that with the massive payout, he had a personal grudge against the owner of the club and just wanted us to fuck up his shit. He wanted us to firebomb the place, loot whatever we could, then flee before Lung could respond. It was risky with the gang war going on, but he’d insisted. I got it. A message needed to be direct and swift.
I should have known better; there was that quiet urging in the back of my mind to be cautious. But in the end, the money talked louder. Thirty grand for just one job. I’d never even seen that much money in one place before. Dad never told me how much he brought in from the gym–he was always saying a man didn’t need his kid worrying about putting food on the table–but it couldn’t have been that much.
“Left! Fuck! Turn left!” I heard Tattletale shout into my earpiece as I pushed my power to the limit. “Shit! We missed the alley! No, don’t go back; just keep going straight!”
A thick column of smoke billowed behind me, masking our escape. My power was heavier than air. It clung low to the ground like a thick fog, blanketing the street behind us. It also flowed a bit; I directed it to curl into all the alleys we passed. With any luck Oni Lee would chase one of those instead.
In front of me, Rachel nudged her dog and the other two followed. Her power worked well with mine. Even scents were muted in my smoke, but Rachel’s dogs could still navigate somewhat, definitely better than a human could. They were the main reason I could do something like this and still maintain team cohesion.
There was an explosion behind us as Oni Lee and his clones began lobbing grenades in our general direction. He couldn’t teleport in the smoke, but he’d quickly found a workaround: By teleporting into the air repeatedly, he could keep a bird’s eye view on where the smoke was coming from and keep track of us that way.
Another series of explosions sounded behind us. Beneath me, Brutus shifted without prompting. He twitched in pain and I knew he’d been hit by some of the shrapnel. It was bound to happen; random chance could only take us so far. In front of me, Rachel let out a growl that sounded more dog than girl. Nothing pissed her off more than her dogs getting hurt, not that I blamed her.
More bombs resounded as we hastily turned the corner. A car alarm triggered, filling the air with that incessant wailing. We were starting to leave the no man’s land. The chase hadn’t lasted long, but this had been the longest ten minutes of my life.
This wasn’t sustainable. Oni Lee didn’t need to be perfectly accurate. Sooner rather than later, someone was going to get hurt.
I wrapped one arm tightly around Rachel’s stomach and twisted in my seat. I could see through the smoke fine. Reaching into my breast pocket, I pulled out a pistol and took aim.
We didn’t shoot people. The Undersiders were a small-time gang of miscreants, not murderers. Tattletale carried one openly on her hip, but that was more for intimidation purposes than anything else. If she seriously planned to use it, she’d keep hers hidden, like I did with mine.
I didn’t like guns. They sent the wrong message. They turned the “game” Tattletale went on about into something deadlier, more permanent. They took away some of the mystique of being a parahuman and turned supervillains into thugs.
Still, they were damn useful. Usually, smoke and a scary, skull-faced helmet was enough to intimidate most people. Oni Lee wasn’t most people and there wasn’t a “wrong message” to send here, anyway.
I took aim. When Oni Lee leapt off a rooftop and became visible again, I squeezed the trigger as fast as I could.
The gun, a semi-auto pistol I looted off a junkie a while back, bucked in my hand. I’d only shot it a few times, but the recoil wasn’t bad at all. It felt more like an insistent push than the sharp snap I’d been told to expect. And I still missed every shot. I wasn’t exactly on stable ground at the moment.
“Stop that!” Tattletale called over another barrage of grenades. “You’re only telling him where we are!”
“Well what’s your idea, then?” I demanded as Brutus bruised my tailbone. We’d all be fucking waddling for a week after this.
“Thin the mist a bit! Regent, twitch him!”
“Fine, on it!” I grunted in annoyance. That was admittedly a better plan than hoping I’d hit him before he teleported away.
I saw Regent look up. Oni Lee came into view again, only for his arm to violently twitch. It threw off his aim. The grenade that would have gotten dangerously close instead landed twenty yards away and rolled beneath a car.
The explosion rang in my ears, and only my ears, the lucky bastards. Again, I asked myself: Was this worth thirty grand?
I hated the answer, but it was still yes. The strip club wasn’t directly affiliated with the ABB. They paid taxes, like all businesses in the area, but it wasn’t important to the ABB. Tattletale checked. But with the way Oni Lee was after us, I was starting to have my doubts.
Whatever the case, we were well away from where we’d started. The scenery changed, from clubs and stores to a more residential neighborhood. I didn’t want to come this way, but I didn’t have much of a choice. This job had long since gone FUBAR.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw another bomb explode against a mailbox. The mailbox was punctured from below by dozens of crystal shards. I’d seen pictures of what they did to people; PHO called them corpse flowers.
Then, a gray bubble covered the house altogether. Almost as if I was watching a video, time rewound itself and the mailbox was destroyed again and again. In the window, someone approached to look outside, only for their mouths to open with horrified realization.
“He’s using Bakuda’s bombs,” I shouted, panicked. Depending on how those crystals grew, surviving was arguably worse.. “Regent, again!”
“I want a bigger cut,” he grumbled. The little sociopath somehow still managed to come off as bored instead of panicked. He was the kind of guy who always said he’d seen worse. “Jacking him feels so fucking weird, dude.”
“Just do it!”
“Doing it. Seriously, do you know what it’s like to feel yourself teleport? Or turn to ash?”
“He can tell the original apart from the clone,” Tattletale chimed in. “His power tells him which is which.”
“Not fast enough, though. Seriously, Tats, what the fuck is with this job?” he complained. For once, I agreed.
“I don’t know. Something got him riled up and it wasn’t us.”
“He sure doesn’t mind taking it out on us, though,” I muttered under my breath.
A fireball bloomed behind us, a little too close for comfort. It was purple, because Bakuda apparently had been feeling artsy lately. The fire was hot enough that I felt the sweat on my back get hot and clammy.
“One of Bakuda’s incendiaries, big enough radius to blow some of your power away,” Tattletale explained. Her voice came out strained and stilted as Angelica took an especially rough step.
“Any other bright ideas?”
“Take the nest right. The boss sai–Aah!”
She was interrupted by an explosion to my left, close enough to catch her on the side just as Angelica was turning. The shockwave and swerving momentum carried her off her perch, sending her rolling onto someone’s lawn. I thought I saw her foot catch against a mailbox.
“Bitch, take us around,” I shouted. We needed to retrieve Tattletale.
“On it,” she grunted.
She nudged Brutus with her heel and let out a sharp, low whistle. That was something the PRT didn’t get about her: She wasn’t a master, not in the normal sense. She controlled her dogs through good training.
More bombs dropped, closer this time. Thankfully, he only had a few of those time bombs. He almost clipped Regent and Judas with one, only for a lucky bounce to coat a car instead. The poor bastard was driving home, and would be driving forever. At least he wasn’t also stuck being ripped apart for eternity.
A bright, white orb of light formed, thirty yards wide. It vanished as soon as it appeared, having done no damage to the surroundings. There was an old man who got caught in it, a jogger who was out at the wrong place and time.
The white light shone over only half his body. He immediately collapsed to the ground, limbs spasming. He let out such a wretched scream of agony that I wished my power’s muting effect worked on me, too.
Then, as if to prove the universe hated us, I saw it: crabs. Giant, waterlogged crab constructs rose up out of a storm drain. They crawled up, taking shape even as they squeezed through the small gap. At the same time, a sickle of water cut through the space Oni Lee was just in, sending a shower of ash to the ground.
“Monarch! Monarch’s here!” I shouted.
Whether in relief or fear, even I didn’t know. The psychopath was a mixed bag at the best of times. Knowing the crazy bitch, she’d lose Oni Lee, then decide she may as well kill us all to make up the difference.
At this point, I hoped Oni Lee stuck around. If those two fought, we could probably take the chance to scoop up Tattletale and get the hell out of dodge.
X
Taylor Hebert
I rushed back as soon as I heard the explosions with murder on my mind. Someone was bombing my neighborhood. No, obviously that was Oni Lee. Someone had led Oni Lee here, blocks away from ABB territory. The moment I saw the black smoke, I knew exactly who I’d be killing.
This was the problem with “minor” villains like the Undersiders. They were only “minor” until they pissed off the wrong guy. At the end of the day, the city was already a powderkeg and any stray spark could make things worse.
I appeared inside my basement. This place hadn’t been cleaned since mom was alive and a thick layer of dust covered all the random crap we forgot about. Before I met Tahm, I thought about weaving my costume here because dad never came down here.
Stretching out my senses, I commanded my swarm to enter the smoke cloud. I wasn’t even sure what the hell I was looking at because of all this smoke. Even my most sensitive bugs were mostly blind and deaf in there. Rather than rely on their senses, I had to spread them out like a thin mist and draw conclusions based on what they collided with.
More explosions wracked the street. I saw a few of my neighbors go down as three giant, quadrupedal shapes barreled past them. This needed to stop. The Undersiders were making a mess of everything, leading Oni Lee around like a kite on a string.
The three monster dogs turned. I landed insects on someone’s face, more an art than a science here, and had them bite down on every exposed flesh they could reach. There was a short, feminine scream that marked her as Tattletale.
None of my insects were venomous, but even the harmless variety was enough here. With the way the dogs turned and a nearby bomb that washed them with heat, it was enough to throw her from her perch.
The villainess hit the ground hard. The dogs were running at thirty or forty miles an hour and I didn’t remember her wearing much in the way of padding. She cracked her arm against a curb before rolling onto someone’s yard.
Her foot found the mailbox post and a shrill shriek wracked the bugs on her. That was her arm and leg. She curled into a ball, lone functional arm cradling her shin in agony.
I stood and opened up an old icebox. It brought back good memories for me. Back when Dad wasn’t a depressed wreck and mom was still around, when I used to call Alan Barnes “Uncle Alan,” we used to go camping every summer.
The two grown men would make fools of themselves, bragging about wilderness skills they didn’t have. They always talked themselves up and said they’d fry up a big fish for us, only for mom and Aunt Zoe to pack ready-made meals with knowing smiles. I couldn’t remember ever seeing a fish, never mind tasting one.
I shook my head with a bittersweet smile. This stupid cooler hadn’t been touched since then, but I recently found a new use for them. According to a fishing website, crabs could be kept on ice for a day or two. I portaled around at night, collecting minions for my crab army and storing them here. This sure beat my desk drawer.
I tipped the cooler on its side and called the River to me. With a sweep of a water tentacle, I lobbed them all into the portal. Oni Lee. The Undersiders. They were all going to die for this.
I palmed two, spherical bombs. I’d looted them from the ABB. From what I could tell, one was a cluster bomb and the other was a black hole bomb, one of those singularities that sucked in everything. Oni Lee was slippery, but I doubted he’d expect me to use the ABB’s own arsenal against him.
I emerged behind my neighbor’s shed, just outside the smoke. More of my swarm flew into the cloud, spreading out to act as living proximity sensors. They gave me a fuzzy picture of everything that was happening in there.
The Undersiders were coming back. Bitch’s dogs swerved around towards their fallen teammate. That was surprising. Apparently, there really was honor among thieves. I approved, especially since it kept Oni Lee from getting too close to my house. As it was, we were less than a block away.
My crab army marched forward. As soon as Oni Lee appeared above the cloud, I sent a scything tendril of water towards him. A rain of ash covered the street as a single ball fell from his hand. An orb of violet flames ate away at a section of the smoke, temporarily leaving the street visible.
I felt something suddenly step into a puddle. Desperately, I threw myself forward, just in time to dodge the knife from one of Oni Lee’s clones. His other hand held a grenade, pin removed and clenched in his hand like a stress ball.
It exploded, taking the clone with it as I raised a wall of water in front of me. He was quickly becoming my least favorite cape. The shrapnel shards penetrated the water but lost much of their momentum. They still felt like bullets against my side.
I now found myself in the smoke. I was forced to dive deeper when a second grenade sailed over my head. Judging by the way my insects seized up, it was another of Bakuda's pain bombs.
He was trying to flush me out. I refused to let him. Not just to be contrarian, but also because I had plenty of viable targets in here.
The dogs were easy to find, and their riders atop them. If I wanted this shit to never happen again, Bitch and Grue needed to die. On that at least, Oni Lee and I could agree.
The Undersiders had circled around. Someone, probably Grue, had stepped down from his mount and was in the process of lifting Tattletale. I took that as my cue to attack.
My crabs lunged without mercy. They didn’t deserve it. How many innocents had died in their homes because Grue decided steering his band of idiots through a residential neighborhood was a good idea? How many got caught in the crossfire, hidden by the smoke and unable to receive help?
Grue died quickly. He wasn’t unlike one of those butterflies with wings shaped like owl heads. The skull helmet and black smoke looked intimidating enough, but he was just a man underneath, no different than the dozens of others I’d broken.
One of my crabs bowled him over and dragged him to the ground before slamming its pincers on his head. Once. Twice. Four times. I felt the vibration echo through the water.
Tattletale tried to say something, but crabs didn’t exactly have good hearing, not that I made it a habit of listening to villains, especially not thinkers. She had an emergency pistol that she drew but a peashooter like that didn’t even penetrate the water construct. And soon, the helmet cracked, and with it Grue’s head.
The smoke still lingered with his death. Though, without him to direct it, it began to settle and I could see more clearly. That also meant everyone else could see me, too.
I lunged for Regent next, but I felt my knee give out with an inopportune twitch. His scepter hit the side of my head. There was the sharp crack of electricity. My muscles seized involuntarily and I found myself stumbling around like an idiot, just long enough for the dog he was on to bite my arm and hurl me across the street like a chew toy.
But I wasn’t alone. My crabs swarmed the dogs. They couldn’t do anything to the dogs, but they climbed over themselves to get at the people..
“Fuckfuckfuck! Go! Bitch!” Regent shouted as he swung his scepter back and forth.
“Fuck you! Brutus, kill!” she snarled.
The dog she was on, presumably Brutus, obeyed immediately. Its snout, sniffling and dripping drool, locked onto me. It barreled towards me with its jaws open wide.
I doubted I was brute enough to take those beasts. I’d probably survive getting abused like a chew toy, but I didn’t want to. I still felt pain and stitching myself back up again was a pain in the ass.
I plunged both hands into the River. Two tentacles of water erupted from the ground. One carried me away from their charge while the second lashed Brutus in the eyes. It didn’t stop the dog in its tracks, but the pain was enough to make it instinctively reel back, causing the others to run into it.
“No, you need to get us out of–Aah!” Regent began, only to be cut off as my crabs caught up and dragged him to the ground. He should have worn more armor, not that it would have helped him.
That left Tattletale, still on the ground next to Grue’s body, and Bitch, on Brutus’ back. The smoke was beginning to clear and I could see her whole body shaking. For a moment, I thought Bitch would run. I knew little about her, but she just saw me take out half her team.
Then, I felt her tense through the bugs I’d placed on her. A deep, vibrating growl rumbled through her, exactly like a dog. I knew then that she’d fight me to the death. Whatever reason she had for being a villain, she was loyal to her team.
I smiled as a fist of water formed around my arms. Her dogs were massive. They could take a lot of punishment and shrug it off like nothing; even swarming them didn’t seem to help much. Even so, I didn’t see the point in using the bombs on Bitch. Her dogs aside, she was a normal human. Once I killed her, they’d lose coordination and shrink back to normal.
I stalked forward confidently. My crabs circled her. Before the smoke fully cleared, I intended for the Undersiders to die. Then, if I presented my back to Oni Lee, he’d probably try to kill me and show an opening in turn.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure if Oni Lee was still around. He wasn’t the type to just wait and stalk his prey. He either acted with extreme violence, or teleported away. I didn’t hear any more bombs so he probably left.
No matter. I had to kill the villains in front of me before chasing down a teleporter.
Her dogs pounced with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. They were as large as minivans and could easily crush my ribs or worse. So, I didn’t try to contest them directly.
A geyser of water launched me high into the air. For a moment, I broke through the smoke cloud. The sudden exposure to the sun made me close my eyes in pain, but I never lost track of Bitch regardless.
A bug I’d placed on her acted as the target. Just like with Purity, I imagined a straight line between me and the insect. Then, hand outstretched and fingers aimed like a pistol, I fired. An orb of water collided with the back of her head, squishing the bug in her hair and slamming her head forward.
That was that. The third member of the Undersiders toppled from her perch. She wasn’t dead, my water bullets didn’t have that kind of impact, but two of my crabs on the ground finished the job.
Honestly? I wondered if it was supposed to be this easy to put a bitch down.
Author’s Note
The weighted official poverty threshold for a family of four in the US in 2011 was $23,021. The average household income was $67,366. The average is a bit skewed however, so the median household income was $50,054.
Brian’s is a household of three. WIth a dad who owns an independent gym, his family would likely skirt the poverty line. $30,000 is quite possibly more money than his dad makes in a year, or at least very close to it. Brian isn’t dumb; he’s just decided he’s desperate enough to make this gamble.
Animal Fact: So I know I definitely used this one before, but I figured I'd provide a bit more detail, because your suffering is my ambrosia: Some turtles can breathe through their assholes. Yeah, that fun fact from Olaf in Frozen 2 was real.
The Fitzroy river turtle, in Australia of course, has a set of gills in its ass. Not on, in. And yes, they also have a set of lungs. They can use their ass-gills to breathe underwater for up to three weeks at a time.
Admittedly, there is one downside: It's in their ass. And unlike you or me, turtles do not have a dedicated asshole. They have cloacas. Think of a cloaca like an all purpose hole for shit, piss, and yes, sex. So yes, I suppose every Fitzroy knows exactly how a scat porn studio smells like.