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International Anomalous Preserves Weekly Incident Report
To: Bureau of Ranger Management
From: Head Ranger Tucker Thrimble
Date: Week of March 15th - 21st, 1999
INCIDENTS
99-207: Western Shout Creek Canyon, “Big Chappy” Mouth
A seventeen-year-old visitor, J.O. from Pendleton, Oregon, threw a rock at the “Big Chappy” mouth and chipped Chappy’s left front tooth. This resulted in Big Chappy’s screams nearly doubling in volume for approximately 10 minutes, causing a rapid evacuation of the canyon as decibel levels became briefly intolerable. During the stampede down the single trail that leads out of Western Shout Creek Canyon, a 60-year-old guest sprained her ankle and was treated at the Park Medical Center. J.O. was removed from the park and cited for violating the “no throwing” regulation.
99-208: Moaning Grotto Interpretive Trail
A visitor, F.E. from Des Moines, Iowa, was bitten in the glute by a nesting Gila Monster while attempting to relieve herself behind a sage bush. F.E. was taken to the Park Medical Center, where she was treated for the bite. F.E. was released after the bite was determined to be non-life-threatening (albeit extremely painful). A ticket has been opened with park maintenance to install a porta-potty at the beginning of the Moaning Grotto Interpretive Trail.
99-209: Eastern Shout Creek Canyon, “Yodeler #3” Mouth
“Yodeler #3”, a mouth located in a six-mouth cluster in Eastern Shout Creek Canyon, was being visited by a docent and her tour group when it abruptly stopped screaming, smacked its lips, politely cleared its throat, then resumed screaming. No similar incident has ever been recorded in the park. The incident was witnessed by the twelve visitors and one park docent, all of whom have been interviewed and deemed credible by park staff. Screaming Oasis’s designated Federal Anomalous Incident Agent has been notified.
99-210: Quivering Pool Trail, “Chomper” Mouth
A visiting couple, L.O. and M.O., from Cincinnati, Ohio, were hiking along the Quivering Pool Trail with their dog, a shih tzu named Prince, when they removed his leash so that he could “explore on his own for a little while”. According to eyewitnesses, Prince then promptly wandered straight into the “Chomper” Mouth and was immediately swallowed. Park rangers were dispatched, but in accordance with park policy, no rescue was attempted - despite the demands of the dog’s owners. M.O., the husband, had to be physically restrained after he attempted to climb into “Chomper” himself. The couple was brought to the park headquarters and cited for violating the park’s leash laws, then given a standard bereavement fruit basket.
99-211: Howling Bowl Interpretive Trail, “Big Nasty” Mouth
R.R., a visiting dentist from Scottsdale, Arizona, was found to be brushing the teeth of the “Big Nasty” mouth, and had to be forced away from it by responding park rangers. As this is R.R.’s third such violation, he was promptly escorted from the park and asked not to return for at least 6 months. He reportedly admonished the rangers for the mouth’s lack of hygiene as he was removed.
99-212: Employee Housing
T.T., a newly hired ranger from Waco, Texas, suffered an acute mental breakdown in employee housing and had to be forcibly restrained and transported to a mental institution off park property. The attending psychologist surmised that T.T. suffered the breakdown after refusing the standard-issue park-supplied noise-cancelling headphones in favor of traditional earplugs. Though earplugs work well for short visits, their efficacy for live-in staff has long been questioned - a question that we believe we have answered. T.T. recovered quickly but terminated his employment on the spot, citing no desire to ever re-enter Screaming Oasis State Park.
END REPORT