Chasm of the Forgotten Ranger Incident Reports
An excerpt from a promotional video for Chasm of the Forgotten Historic Preserve.
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Incident reports from Chasm of the Forgotten. Looking for the Audio version? Click here!
Global Anomalous Preserves Weekly Incident Report
To: Bureau of Ranger Management
From: Head Ranger Janine Milner
Date: Week of June 17th-23rd, 1999
INCIDENTS
99-096: Upper Star Wall Gallery
Sometime after midnight on June 18th, a suspected fossil poacher, identified as R.E. from Winnipeg, Canada, fell to his death while attempting to scale the upper Star Wall. Several fragments of the Grand Star fossil were recovered from R.E.’s bags, and the climber’s journals indicated his intent to reach and take the “Eye of Yesterday”, the famously opalized “eye” of the Grand Star Fossil. Analysis of the incident by rangers revealed the cause of R.E.’s sudden and fatal descent to be a climbing rope that was found to be perfectly sliced through halfway up the wall. Both severed ends of the rope were melted, as though the line was cut by a laser or welding torch. This marks the 9th death of a fossil poacher within preserve boundaries this year. Given the circumstances of the death, the preserve’s designated anomalous incident agent has been notified.
99-097: Pit Toilet at the Shady Gallery Backcountry Trailhead
Hikers who had been preparing to embark on the Shady Gallery backcountry trek reported finding the “decapitated head of a large mule” lodged within the pit toilet at the trailhead. Park rangers responded and found the head, but despite extensive searches of the surrounding area, the rest of the mule’s body could not be found. A notice was put out to ranchers in the area surrounding the preserve, but as of now no one has claimed the mule as their own.
99-098: Main Preserve Mail Room
Mail room staff received a remarkable, previously undocumented fossil in the mail the morning of June 20th, along with a detailed note pleading that the fossil be returned to where it was found. The fossil, an amber-like sphere with a glowing, spiralling formation inside of it, was purportedly taken from the backside of the “Thinking Snail” fossil, an extremely remote petrifaction that is only reachable via a 2-day raft and 1-day multi-pitch climb. The accompanying letter detailed a truly horrific streak of bad luck following the fossil’s removal from the park, including a car accident, a violent case of mistaken identity, a lightning strike, and a mysterious genital disease. Though debate initially swirled as to whether or not the undiscovered fossil should be temporarily retained for study, its swift return to its site of origin was chosen. 3 experienced backcountry rangers are currently en route to return the fossil to the “Thinking Snail”.
99-099: Berry Chasm Smoothie Shack Concession Stand
A guest, G.O. from Scottsbluff, Nebraska, was removed from the park after ceaselessly berating the employees of the Berry Chasm Smoothie Shack for “not blending her smoothie properly”. The smoothie in question was returned for further blending 7 times before the woman threw it over the counter, hitting an employee in the head, and began screaming at the staff. Analysis of the spilled smoothie by park rangers found no chunks and no evidence that it had been improperly blended. G.O. was served with a 3-year ban from the park, and was charged with assault by responding law enforcement.
99-100: “Sorcerer” Fossil above the Howling Cataract
12 guests and one guide on a guided rafting expedition down the Howling Cataract all reported seeing the “Sorcerer” fossil move its fingers as they passed it. Rangers armed with archival photos were dispatched to verify the sighting, and upon comparison with the old photos, said rangers were able to confirm that the Sorcerer’s fingers had noticeably shifted in position. This marks the 3rd confirmed fossil “movement” incident in the last decade. Research teams have been dispatched, the howling cataract has been temporarily closed, and the park’s designated anomalous incident has been notified.
99-101: Main Visitor Center
A friendly stray cat appeared on the morning of June 22nd, and was swiftly adopted by the Main Visitor Center’s staff. The cat, named “Sprinkles” by staff, has already caught 12 mice and become rather fond of salami. Sprinkles has been examined by onsite preserve vets, who got her up to date on her shots, spayed her, and microchipped her. Guests have already left Sprinkles glowing reviews online, referring to her as “the best little greeter.”
END REPORT