Just for those who might not have caught on to what was being shared in the Patreon chat, the next chapter is delayed because it's the book 4 finale. It's a real chonker, this one, and I refuse to rush it because there's a lot of moving pieces and I want it to come out right.
It has been going a bit slower maybe than it should, and just to be as transparent with my audience as possible: I'm not okay, and I haven't been for a long time.
You've probably seen me yap about it before probably, but despite all that I'd said I'd do, I've done little to nothing to correct the main problems in my life. I haven't gone to therapy, I haven't started properly exercising, I haven't corrected my awful sleep schedule (although to be fair this one isn't for the lack of trying---newborns make sleep impossible. But to also be fair, some of my decisions have definitely made it worse, and I've 100% used the newborn as an excuse for my own poor decisions). And yeah. None of this has done me any favors.
The thing with me is that I am a megalomaniac. I'm obsessed with power. I don't know how to not be in full control over everything in my life. I'm somebody who was willing to do anything to ensure I owe nothing to anyone and that I can do literally everything all by myself. I don't want to owe anything to my family, or my friends, or anyone I know. Not a debt. Not a favor. Not a gift. Not a word. Nothing.
To put into perspective just how insane I can act because of this, my biggest obstacle to getting mental health help has been the fact that I just simply refuse to let anyone solve my problems for me. Even paid professionals aren't exempt from my lunacy, so you can only imagine how this sometimes affects the people around me when they try to extend a hand or help in any way.
My refusal to take care of myself, my refusal to accept help, and my refusal to stop pushing myself have accumulated into a disaster for my overall wellbeing.
Some of you might relate to this, especially if you have issues with anxiety and insomnia, but I suffer from what I lovingly refer to as THE HAZE. You'll know what I'm talking about if you've ever had it.
Everything is grey. You can't really focus on anything, and god forbid you have to switch attention between several things, you won't even remember where you are! You can just feel that ideas in your mind aren't really connecting the way they should be, like you're trying to think your way out of a maze. And not a cool, fun maze; but one of those creepy fuckin' grey labyrinths where you hear screaming in the distance and there's a fog all around you and venomous spikes try to stab you every couple of steps.
There are days where I am not alive. I don't exist. I'm not real; I'm a spectator. The person I am and the "thing" I see myself as are not the same entity. I'm watching a cutscene of someone else living their life. And all I see are ways that life could be lived more efficiently. All I see are bad things happening, dark silhouettes on the horizon of time, looming threats that will wrestle my beloved little kingdom away, turning me into a serf, and all I take comfort in is the knowledge that I'll be able to kill myself and have the last laugh, no matter who tries their hand at controlling me.
It is impossible for me to fully convey what kind of mental hell I've crafted for myself. I am more a system dedicated to preserving personal autonomy than a person seeking fulfillment and happiness. I have all the former and none the latter.
And I want you to understand just how absurd this is. I have financial indepence, a job with absolute freedom, a wonderful wife, a beautiful child, friends I truly care about, and still, despite all this, I still feel miserable as fuck for most of my waking existence. And sleeping existence for that, let's not sell my dreams short, either, those things add quite a bit of spice to my suffering.
On a brighter note, I'm done with this.
This isn't a life worth living. And I want this to change.
After I'm done with book 4 I'll be pausing Patreon for a month before I continue writing. In the meantime, I'll be booking therapy and looking for ways to ameliorate the damage I've done to myself and the people around me.
I want you all to know that I love you for supporting my story, and that, for whatever it might be worth, I acknowledge that I owe you guys the best story my messed up little head can synthesize.
That will be all. See y'all soon with the finale.
Cheers!