Zombie performers waited behind counters and shelves while the stunt team checked the padded sections of the floor one last time. Several crew members moved through the aisles with flashlights, carefully making sure none of the scattered props would interfere with the planned action.
Woody stood near the entrance with the prop guitar hanging across his back. Jack waited behind him with the shotgun, keeping his hands positioned exactly where the weapons supervisor had shown him.
Christopher stood behind the monitor and reviewed the movement with them.
“This first shot is simple,” he said. “Woody leads. Jack follows. Keep the pace steady and let the dialogue carry the scene.”
Phil pointed toward the automatic doors.
“The doors will open on cue. Don’t rush through them. Tallahassee acts like he’s walking into a playground. Columbus acts like he’s walking into a grave.”
Jack adjusted the strap of his backpack. “That feels accurate.”
Woody looked through the filthy glass doors toward the dark aisles beyond them.
“I’m ready.”
The assistant director raised her hand.
“Quiet on set.”
The crew fell silent.
“Roll sound.”
“Sound speeds.”
“Roll camera.”
“Camera speeds.”
The slate snapped in front of the lens.
“Scene forty-three, grocery store entrance, take one.”
Christopher leaned toward the monitor.
“Action.”
...
Tallahassee marched toward the front doors with complete confidence.
Columbus followed several steps behind him, holding the shotgun tightly while watching the shadows inside the store.
Tallahassee spoke without slowing down.
“The whole ‘zombies only eat human flesh‘ thing? Total myth. They'll scarf anything. I know ‘cause I’ve seen ‘em eat tofu, black licorice, and all but one of the Lean Cuisines. Which one won't they touch? A bit of a head scratcher: Oven Roasted Beef Burgundy."
Jack kept his face tense as he listened, looking less concerned about the zombie diet and more concerned that Tallahassee had apparently spent enough time watching them eat to develop detailed food preferences.
Woody stepped onto the door pad.
The automatic doors slid open with a weak mechanical sound.
The grocery store stretched out in front of them.
Tallahassee looked inside.
“Time to nut up or shut up.”
He walked through the entrance.
Columbus hesitated for half a second before following him.
Christopher allowed the camera to hold on the doors as they slid shut behind the two men.
“Cut.”
...
Woody turned around immediately.
“How was the timing?”
Christopher watched the playback.
“The pace was good. The doors opened exactly where we needed them.”
Phil looked at Jack. “Your reaction to the Lean Cuisine line worked. You looked like you were reconsidering every life choice that brought you here.”
“I was,” Jack replied. “Columbus and I were emotionally aligned.”
Christopher replayed Woody’s final line once, then nodded.
“We have it.”
The camera crew began moving deeper into the store.
...
[Interior Grocery Store]
The next setup took place near the front aisles.
The floor had been covered with damaged food packages, overturned displays, and broken shelving. Tallahassee’s path had been cleared enough for Woody to move safely, though the scene still needed to look like the store had been destroyed during the early days of the outbreak.
Jack stood behind Woody with the shotgun.
Several feet away, a large zombie performer waited behind a counter. He wore layers of prosthetic makeup across his face and neck, along with a padded costume that made him appear significantly heavier.
A second performer waited farther down the aisle for the pickaxe sequence.
The third zombie stood behind a display near the hedge-clipper mark.
Christopher gathered Jack and Woody near the camera.
“For the guitar scene, we’re not using the full prop during the impact,” Christopher explained. “Woody will have the handle and upper neck. The lower section will be added in post.”
A crew member handed Woody the handle.
Christopher pointed toward the first zombie’s position.
“You swing past his face. Do not make contact. He’ll react to the movement and fall backward onto the padded floor.”
The stunt coordinator demonstrated the distance between Woody’s swing and the actor’s head.
“Keep the same angle every time,” he said. “The effect only works if the neck passes through the correct visual line.”
Woody practiced the movement slowly.
The prop stopped several inches from the stunt performer’s face.
The zombie performer fell backward onto the hidden padding.
Christopher nodded.
“Good. Once he’s down, bring the guitar over your head and strike beside him. The camera angle will make it look like you’re hitting his skull.”
Woody looked down at the performer.
“So I’m making music.”
The performer smiled beneath the zombie makeup. “Just don’t get experimental.”
Jack stood near the edge of the aisle while the crew finished setting the lights.
The assistant director called everyone into position.
“Quiet on set.”
Woody moved to his starting mark.
Jack stood close behind him.
The shotgun rested in his hands.
“Roll sound.”
“Sound speeds.”
“Roll camera.”
“Camera speeds.”
The slate snapped.
“Scene forty-four, grocery store interior, guitar attack, take one.”
Christopher watched the monitor.
“Action.”
...
Tallahassee moved silently toward the aisles.
Columbus stayed close behind him with the shotgun, stepping carefully around broken cans and crushed food packages.
The store was a complete mess.
Food covered the floor. Shelves had been knocked sideways. Torn advertisements hung from the ceiling while the remaining lights flickered above them.
Columbus watched Tallahassee move ahead of him.
His voice-over filled the scene:
“When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for not-to-be-fucked with. Intensely violent. Creatively violent. No fear. Nothing to lose. I wish I didn't feel such a rush watching, but what can I say? It's like... art.”
Tallahassee lifted one hand.
Columbus stopped immediately.
Woody slowly unslung the guitar from his shoulder.
He held it in both hands and strummed a few chords.
For half a second, the store remained silent.
Then the first obese zombie jumped out from behind the counter.
"Cut."
...
The prop guy replaced the guitar with the handle, and the shoot resumed again...
The zombie rushed. Tallahassee swung the guitar in an uppercut motion.
The modified neck passed safely in front of the zombie performer’s face.
The actor snapped his head sideways and crashed backward onto the padded floor.
Woody immediately raised the guitar over his head.
He brought it down beside the performer.
Once.
Twice.
Again.
The zombie thrashed beneath him while Tallahassee continued smashing the instrument down with the energy of a musician destroying his guitar at the end of a concert.
Christopher let the violence continue for several seconds.
“Cut!”
Woody stopped immediately and stepped away from the performer.
The stunt coordinator moved in and checked him.
The actor gave a thumbs-up from the floor.
“I’m good.”
Jack lowered the shotgun and looked at the broken guitar handle in Woody’s hands.
“That looked brutal from where I was standing.”
Woody grinned. “That’s because I’m an artist.”
Christopher reviewed the playback.
The swing had passed through the correct frame, and the zombie performer’s fall looked convincing. The follow-up strikes stayed hidden behind Woody’s body and the edge of the counter.
Phil watched the scene again.
“The first hit is clean.”
Christopher nodded. “We have it.”
The crew reset for the next zombie.
...
[Pickaxe Setup]
The effects team brought out the modified pickaxe handle.
Like the guitar, the dangerous section had been removed. The full weapon would be completed digitally during post-production.
The second zombie performer stood near a large snack display filled with crushed bags and empty boxes. A padded section had been hidden beneath the lower shelving, allowing him to hit the display without injury.
Christopher pointed toward the mark.
“Woody, the zombie charges from the right, chasing Jack. You wait for him to pass and then step forward, swing, and drive him into the snacks.”
The stunt coordinator demonstrated the movement with the performer.
Woody practiced the swing once without force.
The zombie actor reacted by snapping backward into the display. Several bags fell around his shoulders.
The crew finished the reset.
The assistant director called for quiet.
The slate came down.
“Scene forty-four, pickaxe attack, take one.”
Christopher leaned forward.
“Action.”
...
The second morbidly obese zombie rushed from the next aisle, chasing Columbus. "Wait! Wait! Wait!" He ran past Tallahassee. "Now."
Tallahassee raised the pickaxe.
The zombie lunged.
Woody swung the handle across the correct visual line.
The performer’s head snapped backward as he crashed into the snack display.
Bags of chips and crushed boxes exploded around him.
Tallahassee followed through, driving the imaginary pickaxe into the zombie’s skull while the performer slumped against the broken shelves.
"Oh, thanks," Columbus said with a huff.
"You owe me," Tallahassee said as he threw the pickaxe on the floor.
Christopher held the shot.
“Cut.”
The zombie actor stayed against the display until the stunt coordinator reached him.
“I’m fine,” he said as he pushed a bag of chips away from his face. “Softest death I’ve ever had.”
Woody handed the prop handle back to the weapons assistant.
Christopher checked the footage.
The swing looked heavy, and the zombie had hit the display at exactly the right angle.
Phil pointed at the monitor.
“The snack explosion sells the impact.”
Christopher nodded. “Print it.”
...
[Hedge Clipper Setup]
The final zombie waited near the end of the aisle.
The costume department had made him look even larger than the first two performers, with a stretched shirt, torn trousers, and blood running from one side of his mouth.
Woody stood opposite him with the oversized hedge clippers.
Unlike the other weapons, the clippers remained mostly intact, though the blades had been replaced with soft rubber versions for the wide shot.
Christopher gave the final instructions.
“The joke is in the pause. Woody snaps the clippers. The zombie sees them and actually stops.”
Phil smiled. “For one second, it understands consequences.”
The performer nodded.
“I’ll give him concern.”
Woody opened and closed the hedge clippers.
The rubber blades snapped together with a dull sound.
The assistant director called the set quiet.
The cameras rolled.
The slate snapped.
“Action.”
...
The duo walked further into the store.
"You're incredible," Columbus said.
"I know," Tallahasse replied.
"Yeah," Columbus nodded, still huffing from the earlier excitement.
"Twinkie, twinkie, twinkie, twinkie..." Tallahassee began to mumble while looking around.
The final fat zombie waddled from the other side.
"Wow, wow, wow..." Tallahassee stopped. "Big hoss."
Columbus held his shotgun before him, but Tallahassee shook his head as he took out his hedge clippers with a large smile.
Tallahassee snapped the clippers once.
Then again.
The zombie stopped.
Tallahassee’s smile widened as he began to walk toward the zombie, "C'mon big fella, just gonna take a little off the top."
Christopher held the moment long enough for the joke to land.
“Cut.”
The crew laughed immediately.
The zombie performer relaxed and looked toward the monitor.
“Did the concern work?”
Phil nodded. “Oh yeah. It was hilarious.”
Christopher smiled.
“We have the setup. Moving to the aftermath.”
...
[Aftermath Shot]
The floor had been reset with fake blood, torn clothing, broken food packages, and the remains of three dummy zombies.
The hedge clippers had been coated in thick stage blood.
Christopher requested a low, straight view from the floor.
The camera was placed near the end of the aisle, focusing on the space between Tallahassee and Columbus.
Jack stood in position with a mixture of disgust and amazement on his face.
Woody waited near the bodies.
The assistant director raised her hand.
“Quiet on set.”
The stage settled.
“Roll sound.”
“Sound speeds.”
“Roll camera.”
“Camera speeds.”
The slate snapped.
“Scene forty-four, aftermath, take one.”
Christopher called, “Action.”
...
The bloody hedge clippers slid across the grocery store floor.
They scraped through loose wrappers and stopped several feet from Columbus.
He stared at them.
Then he looked past the clippers toward Tallahassee.
Three enormous zombie bodies lay around him, broken and bloody across the aisle.
Columbus looked half-amazed and half nauseated.
Tallahassee studied the dead zombies.
“These three really let themselves go.”
Columbus looked at the bodies, trying to make sense of their size.
“Being a zombie’s gotta be depressing. And what cures depression? Dessert food.”
The two men continued staring at the bodies.
Christopher held the frame.
Then he called, “Cut.”
...
The crew relaxed as the playback appeared on the monitor.
Jack lowered the shotgun and stepped carefully around the bloody clippers.
Woody looked down at the three dummy bodies.
“That’s a lot of dead zombie.”
Phil watched the final exchange again.
“The pause before Jack’s line is good. He looks like he’s genuinely trying to understand zombie psychology.”
Christopher nodded.
“And Woody’s delivery stays completely dry. That’s what we need.”
He replayed the hedge clippers sliding across the floor.
The blood caught the flickering light perfectly before the camera revealed Columbus’s reaction.
Christopher smiled.
“That’s the take.”
The assistant director looked toward the crew.
“Moving on. Next setup in ten.”
The effects team immediately entered the aisle to begin cleaning the blood, collecting the dummy bodies, and rebuilding the store for the next sequence.
Jack stepped aside with Woody as the weapons department removed the shotgun and bloody clippers.
Woody looked toward the broken snack display.
“I’m starting to understand why Tallahassee enjoys this.”
Jack adjusted his glasses.
“That concerns me a little.”
Woody smiled.
“It should.”
...
[Next scene...]
"Action..."
Tallahassee’s eyes widened as he dashed into the dessert food section.
A couple of beats.
Tallahassee walks out slowly, discarding a couple of empty Twinkie boxes. To add insult to injury, he strolls into the freezer aisle, then plucks out a package.
He hands it to Columbus: A PRISTINE BOX of Lean Cuisine’s OVEN ROASTED BEEF BURGUNDY.
"Got a quarter? I wanna ride the rocket ship," Tallahassee asked.
Columbus says, "We should probably keep moving. Before..."
Almost perfectly on cue, they hear a movement in an aisle. Columbus tentatively raises his shotgun.
Slowly, Tallahassee and Columbus approach the aisle. Standing there is the woman of Columbus's dream, bedraggled, but naturally gorgeous, who also just happens to be...
...THE CON-WOMAN FROM THE RED BMW. [Emma Stone's character. The BMW scene was shot earlier that week. I can only show so much in here.]
COLUMBUS (V.O.):
"All I could think was what are the odds: another ‘marriageable woman’ to bring home to the folks. Zombieland’s like harmony, only fewer gruesome surprises! Someone's ear's in danger of having hair brushed over it..."
Emma looked panicked and said, "Come quick..."
"Cut."
...
That day, they shot the entire scene where Wichita and Little Rock robbed them.
...
[That night] [Hotel] [1 AM]
Jack finished writing the final chapter of The Fantastic Beasts and sent it to his editor. The release was slightly delayed since he was so busy with filming that he didn't get enough time to write.
He let out a large yawn before slumping down on the bed.
--
Next Ch: A modeling offer