Chapter 6: Vicky
Two Years Ago
~~~
“Well, Grace was male-fantasy fodder from chapter one,” Barbara said, setting her wineglass on the coffee table. “But let’s be honest, there was no way he picked her over Elle. The whole debate was pointless, and the male-fantasy aspects were ridiculous. Witches, hunters, vampires, werewolves, demons, and every woman horny for a down-on-his-luck artist? Please.”
“I don’t know,” Karen said. “I liked Grace. She had more personality than many male fantasy characters. All the female characters did. That’s something the author did very well. It made me wonder if they’re a woman.”
“Please, the entire novel was pure male wish-fulfillment,” Barbara said, sighing. “It had some hot scenes, but let’s not pretend it was great literature.”
“Well, yeah, especially after Sylvester bound himself to that succubus,” Vicky said. “It might have been accidental, but after that, everything was about his wishes and their costs and consequences. But just because we weren’t its target audience doesn’t make it an awful book or bad literature.”
“Was she a succubus or a genie?” Mary asked, piping up. The demonology in the book wasn’t that familiar to her. She’d read Paradise Lost, and a few of the spicier romance books had included “demons” that were just hot people with horns. This supernatural romance leaned into the medieval lore concerning demons and other creatures.
“Genie,” Sandra answered. “Or, Djinn, I suppose, is the proper term.”
“No, she was a succubus,” Karen argued.
“Or was this book saying they were the same thing?” Mary asked.
“No, she referred to herself as a succubus,” Lisa said. “That was why Sylvester had to pay the price for every wish, and why he made so few of them.”
Mary nodded. Lisa was new, and that was the first time she’d spoken up about anything since Vicky had introduced her to everyone. Mary didn’t know her yet, but she seemed nice, and Vicky had mentioned she’d be bringing a new friend to book club.
As a librarian, everyone expected Lisa to be supercritical of the book they’d read for the club that month. Maybe that was why Barbara was working overtime to maintain her title of ‘most critical.’ Sometimes, Mary wondered if there were any books Barbara enjoyed. Perhaps if she wanted to read ‘great literature,’ she should suggest some classical books instead of the standard romance fare.
“Oh, what a high cost, having to donate his seed every time he made a wish.” Barbara rolled her eyes. “If I had to have an orgasm every time I made a wish, I’d never stop wishing. You’d think a guy would just hole up with a succubus, go a few times, then make a bunch of wishes.”
The girls laughed, and Mary looked at her hands, twisting her fingers in her lap. Her ears burned at the thought of spending a day doing nothing but having sex. She imagined the story’s main characters doing that and wondered what they’d look like when they were through.
“Maybe he would have been too tired to wish after that,” Mary said. “Didn’t she warn him about making too many wishes at once?”
The others laughed as if Mary had intended her question to be a joke.
“I appreciated Sylvester’s restraint, though,” Sandra said. “I mean, sure, he used his wishes to date multiple women, but he never forced them to like him or each other. He didn’t use his wishes to change them, but he tried to make them happy and tried to solve their problems, which is super-sweet when you think about it. He could have used them to improve his own lot in life and left the women behind.”
“But then it wouldn’t be a romance,” Vicky said, pointing out the flaw in Sandra’s plan.
“Speaking of restraint,” Karen said, setting her wine glass on the table and leaning forward. “What did you think of that bondage scene?”
The girls giggled, except for Mary. She blushed as red as a fire truck and kept her eyes on her hands in her lap. She’d come across the concept of bondage before in some of the romance novels she’d read. Typically, it was a pair of handcuffs or a scene with a man on his knees, but this scene had gone far beyond that. Chains, leather restraints, a collar, and a man who wielded his confidence like a tool for pleasure. Recalling the scene, Mary crossed her legs, hoping no one noticed the heat growing in her core.
“The power exchange aspect was on point,” Vicky said. She sat in the center of the sofa and leaned forward with her elbows on her thighs as she spoke. “The way he took over and took the lead as soon as things got hot?” She fanned herself. “Woo!”
“Well, there was a bit of that already with the succubus. Sylvester jumped into being her ‘master’ with both feet, if you ask me,” Lisa said, grinning at Vicky’s antics. “But I appreciated that there was some girl-on-girl action for us lady-loving ladies.”
“I thought the author mishandled that,” Barbara said. “Grace and Elle getting it on was hot, but Grace should have been a mistress. She gave total Domme vibes, and Sylvester being a dom threw me off. He gave total sub vibes,” Barbara said, complaining as usual.
“I didn’t get submissive vibes from him,” Sandra said. “He was conscientious, sure, but being nice doesn’t mean you can’t also be a top. Besides, he wasn’t a dick outside of the bedroom with it. Like, that kind of play was just for them, which was nice.”
“I agree about Grace, though,” Karen said, raising her glass toward Barbara. “Grace was a switch, at best, not as submissive as the author made her out to be.”
“Elle was a textbook freak,” Vicky said, sipping her wine. “Poor girl couldn’t decide which monster to fuck first, and Sylvester was overprotective of her. He should have let Daisy teach her how to use her powers.”
“What about Grace’s sister, Hope?” Karen asked. “I thought she was going to go full vampire at the end there.”
“She was just a slut,” Vicky said, shrugging. “And a sub.”
“Like you?” Sandra prodded Vicky’s knee with her own, since they were sitting next to each other on the sofa.
“Please, I’m a total switch,” Vicky said, shrugging without shame.
“Same,” Barbara said, which made everyone laugh. “What?” Barbara asked, furrowing her brow in confusion at their laughter.
“Please, Barb, you’re a total Domme. You don’t have a submissive bone in your body,” Vicky said, chuckling.
Barb shrugged, settling into her recliner with her wine glass in hand. “You don’t get to tell me what I like.”
“See?” Vicky said, as if Barb had proved her point.
The girls laughed.
“The only true submissive here is Mary,” Karen said, looking at Mary, who blushed and looked away.
“Aw, don’t pick on the poor girl,” Barbara said. “Look, her ears are turning red just from discussing this stuff.”
“What did you think?” Lisa asked, looking at Mary with an honest expression.
Mary gulped. She didn’t appreciate the teasing, but she knew the girls didn’t mean any harm. The book, however, had made her hot as she read it. She didn’t know how she felt about the more advanced sexual activities in it, but they made sense to her. She’d grown up knowing that women were submissive, and she identified with that natural inclination. Her nervous system rewarded her for obedience. Mary preferred it when her boyfriends took the lead in other aspects of life, so why not the bedroom once they were married, if that was permissible?
“I thought it was well-written,” Mary said, aware of every eye in the room looking at her. “The uh, scenes you’re talking about were well-researched, at least, and seemed realistic to me. Not that I have any experience with that kind of thing.”
“Virgin Mary is our resident prude,” Barbara explained to Lisa. “Poor girl hasn’t slept with a guy, much less let one tie her up, shove his cock down her throat, and let other women eat her out.”
“Oh, stop trying to make her uncomfortable, and don’t call her that,” Vicky said, wagging her finger at Barbara. “Besides, that’s the great thing about these kinds of books. You don’t have to have the real-life experience of it if you can read about it, right? I don’t have to slay a dragon to enjoy a fight scene in a fantasy novel, or to judge something as realistic or unrealistic.”
“Well, the novel was unrealistic,” Karen said. “But wasn’t that kind of the point? It’s a cozy supernatural romance mystery, but the realistic elements helped ground the supernatural ones. The world felt real.”
“Oh, the world-building was my favorite part,” Sandra agreed. “The cozy, small-town vibes were spot on, and the dynamic between Lakeville at night and during the day helped keep that dichotomy between the ‘real’ world and the supernatural elements.”
Mary nodded her agreement. The cozy New England town reminded her of the town nearest the farm where she grew up in the Midwest. Of course, it wasn’t identical, but there were enough common elements that the town kept its New England charm while being relatable to someone who hadn’t lived in the area.
Lisa watched Mary while the others talked, and Mary flashed her a nervous smile. She’d met lesbians before, but Vicky had warned her ahead of time just to keep her from asking any embarrassing questions. Not that Mary thought she would, but she didn’t have that much experience with non-heterosexual people. Not that her lack of exposure was anyone’s fault.
The conversation turned to other aspects of the book they enjoyed and to comparisons with their own hometowns. Barbara, Karen, Sandra, and Vicky shared ghost stories from their own lives and guessed at who might be supernatural creatures in disguise from their childhoods. The topic of conversation made Mary laugh and brought to mind several distinct members of her hometown congregation. One common element they all agreed on was that old people were inherently scary when you were a kid, even scarier if they were grumpy.
After the meeting, Lisa found Mary in the kitchen, washing the dishes the others had left behind. Not that this was her house, but she wanted to help Karen. So, she’d taken as many glasses and plates as she could carry and ferried them into the kitchen, where she started washing them and putting them in the dishwasher.
“Hey,” Lisa said, smiling at her as she approached her from behind. “Mary, right?”
“Yeah,” Mary said, grinning over her shoulder. “That’s me! And your name is Lisa, right?”
Lisa nodded. “Lisa Leclair, librarian extraordinaire.” She posed, which made them both giggle.
Mary chuckled. “That’s fun. I’ve always loved libraries.”
“Me too,” Lisa said, chuckling. “We have quite a bit in common, you and I, at least, I think we do.”
“Yeah?” Mary asked as she loaded the dishwasher. She didn’t want to be rude by turning away, but the sooner she finished, the sooner she could give Lisa her full attention.
For her part, Lisa didn’t seem to take the lack of eye contact as rudeness. She leaned against the counter next to Mary and kept talking.
“I’m just guessing here, but would it be inaccurate to say that you grew up in a religious household?” Lisa asked. “Purity culture, that whole thing?”
“Has Vicky been talking about me?” Mary asked, surprised.
Lisa waved her hands in front of her, dispelling the question. “No, nothing like that. Just stuff I picked up from the conversation. I grew up in it too, so I know what it’s like. I didn’t appreciate the way the others teased you about it, though.”
“Oh, it’s okay,” Mary said. “They do it all the time, but they don’t mean anything by it.”
“Hm,” Lisa hummed. She didn’t seem convinced, but she didn’t press the matter either.
The girls could harp on it sometimes, but they were well-behaved tonight. Mary was used to the ribbing and teasing that came with being the only ‘prude’ in a romance and smut-focused book club. She was the least experienced, despite not being the youngest in the group. Sometimes that allowed her to bring a unique perspective to what they read. Otherwise, it meant she was out of her depth and reading about things she didn’t have the experience to offer an educated opinion on.
“If you ever need to vent, I can offer an ear,” Lisa said. “It took me years to deprogram from all the garbage I learned and embrace my sexuality.”
“Oh,” Mary said. “Thanks! I’m not that worried about it, to be honest. The others don’t get it, but I’m waiting for sex until I’m with the right man. My husband.”
Lisa nodded, not offering an opinion on that philosophy. From what she’d said, though, Mary understood they were in different places on their journey. Lisa had rejected purity culture, but Mary didn’t consider it as something that she needed to abandon. Sure, it had its downsides, and it had cost her some of her ex-boyfriends, but they hadn’t been the right ones, anyway.
“For me,” Lisa said, leaning toward Mary and whispering so that Mary could just hear her over the running water. “Leaving the purity culture behind helped me realize why I never struggled with the desires for men that the other girls complained about. It was an eye-opening awakening that helped me realize I was a lesbian.”
Mary tilted her head. “Oh! Well, I guess that makes sense. Vicky said you liked girls, which is fine, of course; love who you love. You can’t help the way God made you.”
Lisa raised her eyebrows at Mary. “What?”
“I just mean there’s nothing wrong with being homosexual,” Mary said, sensing that she’d made a mistake or blurted out something offensive. “Hetero is the default in that situation, of course, so it makes sense that you thought you were just more well-behaved than the others.”
Lisa relaxed and chuckled. “Yeah. I was like, 'Wow, this purity aspect is super easy for me with guys. I’m superior to all my friends. It’s like I have this superpower.'” She laughed. “Not feeling sexual desire for men is an awesome superpower, by the way.”
“You never had feelings for guys?” Mary asked.
“Well, there were only a few that ever made me feel butterflies, compared to the girls I’d hang with every week,” Lisa said. “I had a boyfriend once, and we fooled around, but we never got past the foreplay.”
“So you were into guys?” Mary asked.
“If you count JTT and Leo, sure,” Lisa said, shaking her head. “But they never made me feel the way women made me feel, you know? It was different and had too many downsides.”
“And there aren’t any downsides with women?” Mary asked.
“Well, there are,” Lisa admitted. “But guys had bigger downsides. You know what I mean?”
Mary shrugged. “Not really, but I like men.”
Lisa nodded. “So purity is a struggle for you?”
Mary blushed. “Sometimes. It’s not always easy denying myself that stuff, but I don’t want to risk the consequences.”
Lisa nodded, letting Mary continue.
“It’s not that I’m not into guys. I get the butterflies and other feelings, but with STDs, pregnancy, and the other risks, it isn’t worth it until I’m with someone who respects me enough to wait.” It didn’t always make sense to Mary, and she didn’t always want to wait, but confirmation that she’d made the right decision always followed a trial. Sure enough, after she’d overcome the temptation, the guy she was dating always decided it was best they part ways. No one ever stuck around or respected her decision beyond the initial promise they would.
“I get that,” Lisa said, assuring her. “But if you ever want to talk about it, or need someone to vent to about it, I’m around.”
“Thanks,” Mary said, smiling as she closed the dishwasher and dried her hands on a towel. “Do you want to trade numbers? You’re part of the book club now, right?”
Lisa nodded. “Yeah, they invited me back.” She chuckled. “Not that I’ll have many opinions on this next one. A pirate fantasy romance? It seems like a generic bodice-ripper, and I’m sure it’ll be chock-full of distracting historical inaccuracies.”
Mary chuckled. “Pirates are fun, though! Yar, matey!” she hooked her finger, mimicking the pirate she knew best from Peter Pan.
Lisa chuckled and pulled out her phone, as Mary did the same. They traded numbers, and Mary hugged her new friend before they parted ways.
~~~
Now
~~~
Mary scrubbed the soap off her skin with the coarse loofah. She stood naked, letting the water cascade over her curves and fall to the ground in a heavy patter. While nothing had changed, and she had no sense of loss, she noticed one difference between yesterday and today. She had proof that she was sexy and desirable, and she took pride in that.
Mary remembered the way Henry looked at her when he saw her breasts. The happiness on his lips and the hunger in his eyes. The way Vicky looked at her with half-lidded eyes, low and lusty. It made Mary blush anew, as if they were here, watching her shower and enjoying the show.
Her apartment’s water pressure was good, but not great. It fell more than it sprayed, but she didn’t complain. It was better than a dip in a chilly lake, which she’d done more than once on a hot summer day at the farm.
The stall shower wasn’t big enough for two people, and she was in her apartment, not Henry’s. He had a tub. She’d wanted to shower with him, to try it, but they didn’t know when Mike and Audrey were leaving. Henry said he needed time to research what they wanted, so Mary left with Vicky, saying goodbye at their cars.
Mary had come home, crashed onto her bed, taken a nap for several hours, and then hopped in the shower. She and Henry texted once she’d arrived, but otherwise, she’d left her phone on silent.
Mary: I’m home safe! Love you!
Henry: Love you too.
Henry: Is there anything specific, bedroom-wise, that you want me to research? Anything in particular you’ve read that you want to try?
Mary: It’s up to you, Henry. You’re the guy. Lol. I’ll follow your lead. You decide. Is there anything you want to do?
Henry: I can think of a few things.
Mary: Well, so long as we build up to them, let’s try. I’ll do my best.
Henry: Okay. I’ll do my best, too. I love you!
Mary: I love you, too!
Guilt reared its head at putting the bulk of the work onto Henry for what she’d suggested, but she couldn’t offer to take any of it off his plate. Mary didn’t have the executive functions with sex. Her brain shut down every time she considered the things she’d like to do with Henry, even though a few of them were obvious. Handjobs had gone well. Blowjobs seemed to be the next step, but imagining Henry’s cock in her mouth made her anxious. She didn’t want to bite it or hurt him.
Ultimately, he was the one responsible for their next steps. Mary had surrendered full control of the situation to him. She trusted him to take things slow and ease her into whatever bedroom activities they explored without crossing the boundary she’d set.
If that failed, she trusted Henry to observe the safeword Vicky had given them and wouldn’t violate her trust in him. Thank God for Vicky, who was slutty enough to know what to do in these situations. Mary would have been lost without her, and between the three of them, they’d figured everything out and had a great time.
Mary thought so. Of course, the burden was on them, but they were more capable of handling it than she was. Her knowledge derived from books, not from life. She didn’t know how feasible any of it was.
Shower sex, for example. From what Mary had read, it was steamy. The pun made her smile as she watched the steam fog the shower glass. The books she’d read made it seem hot, sexy, and better than sex in a bed. To hear her friends talk about it, though, it was a bad time. Water wasn’t a valid lubricant, and painful sex wasn’t as fun as the books made it sound, either.
So, Mary didn’t know how it was, but she trusted Vicky’s opinion on the matter. She could never tell who was messing with her and who was being honest, but Vicky told her the truth and looked out for her.
Mary hung her loofah on its hook and rinsed her body. She loosened the tie in her hair and let her hair hang down so she could wash it. The summer heat faded as she turned the water cold. Icy water rinsed her, making her dance from one foot to the other. She shut the water off when she finished and shivered as she reached for the towel. Drying off, she checked her reflection.
Henry and Vicky both offered her compliments last night. They loved her and her body, but Mary always had a love-hate relationship with herself. Her breasts were great, heavy, and full, which Henry appreciated. Her areolas were larger than she would have preferred, but Henry seemed to enjoy them. The rest of her body, well, she should work out more. Not her upper body, though. Her shoulders were large enough, and she needed no more muscle on her arms. She needed more abs on her stomach and less fat on her hips to be perfect, at least in her mind. Still, her body was a source of pride. Not perfect, but sexy in its way.
Mary wondered if others might notice the difference. Her face was the same. The light in her eyes was still there. She had lost nothing by taking the steps toward intimacy with Henry. What was she supposed to lose with sex, anyway? Her innocence? Wasn’t that part of growing up? She couldn’t be a child forever, and she didn’t understand why everyone wanted her to.
Well, okay, not everyone. Her church and family, she supposed. They wanted her to remain innocent and ‘pure’ until she married someone. If she were to marry anyone, though, it’d be Henry. So, in a way, she’d done that. And what they’d done hadn’t crossed the lines of sin that her elders drew. Lines that seemed so arbitrary in retrospect. Was that corruption speaking?
She imagined that if she had a shoulder devil, it would look like Vicky with horns and a tail. A miniaturized version of the woman, naked, red-skinned, and lustful. A proper succubus. Her shoulder angel would be Henry, winged, haloed, and in a modest floor-length toga. Well, maybe thigh-length. That would be okay, too.
They didn’t have to do anything she was uncomfortable with. Henry would respect her limits. She trusted him and was excited to see what he would do with that trust. Mary didn’t know what she’d do if he broke her trust, but she knew he wouldn’t. Vicky, well, it was tempting to go further with her because it wasn’t as sinful. Or was it more sinful?
Mary’s guts roiled in confusion over the possibilities. Vicky being there with her and Henry gave Mary her courage. She didn’t know how else to explain it. Yet, the more she recalled last night, the more she remembered Vicky’s eyes and the way they lit up every time Mary gasped in pleasure. She loved Henry, though, and liked guys.
So, what did that mean? What did any of her feelings mean? How was she supposed to label, file, and organize them to live a happy, productive life? What did a polyamorous relationship look like for her, Henry, and Vicky? Why didn’t Henry want two girlfriends? What was wrong with Vicky that he didn’t want to date her? Or did he only want to protect Mary’s feelings? Did he believe that she’d get jealous if he dated Vicky? Would she? She had no answers and couldn’t decide what she wanted. Did it make her bisexual that she wanted them both? Were her feelings for Vicky sexual, romantic, or platonic? Was there an all-of-the-above option?
Mary sighed, still gazing at her reflection but no longer picking apart the aspects of her body she wanted to fix. Henry and Vicky loved her body. That was enough for her to stop hating her reflection. Being apart from them after being so close felt strange. It wasn’t possible to set aside everything that had happened and return to her normal life. Was it?
Mary did her makeup, keeping it light and natural as usual. She set her foundation and pouted at her reflection. Why did everyone else have it easy in love? Why was her heart the complicated one?
Shoulder devil Vicky accused her of repressing her carnal desires. Years of lust compressed and repressed had given her heart indigestion, and it confused her feelings of arousal and love. She should give in to her lusts and let them bring her pleasure. That was their natural function, and with Vicky and Henry, an acceptable compromise. It wasn’t as if either of them were strangers. They cared about her, and both were in long-term, committed relationships with her, even though the social expectations for those relationships differed.
Shoulder angel Henry told her she needed to accept that not all love was equal or easily defined. Romance, friendship, and all other categories of relationships between people were man-made and defined by society. She had to decide whether to conform to that or forge her own path. Conformity offered safety and security in the familiar. Her own path offered excitement, but could cause heartbreak.
Then again, in some ways, she’d been forging her own path for years. She defied social norms while hiding behind the blanket of her religious upbringing. Even her friends had criticized and ridiculed her decisions regarding her sexuality and purity. Was it that different if she emerged from purity to realize that she was bisexual and polyamorous?
Lisa had done it. Well, she’d discovered she was a lesbian. But she’d emerged from purity culture and left it behind to grow into someone who wasn’t evil or punished for her lack of purity. She should talk to Lisa about it. The woman had reached out several times and assured Mary she could talk to her if she needed to. So, the only thing stopping her was herself.
Mary picked up her phone and texted Lisa.
Mary: Hey, so, this is pretty random for you, but do you remember when you said that I could talk to you about purity stuff? Do you have a few minutes?
Lisa: I’m leaving work now. Can I call?
Mary: Sure!
Lisa called a few seconds later, and Mary put her on speakerphone as she finished her makeup.
“Hey!” Lisa said. “First things first, is everything okay? Did something happen between you and Henry?”
“Oh, I’m okay,” Mary said. “I’ve just been having some thoughts, and I needed someone to talk to about this stuff who might be impartial.”
“And you called me instead of Vicky?” Lisa asked. “I’m honored.”
Mary chuckled. She didn’t think Vicky would be impartial, not after last night.
“So, what’s up?” Lisa asked.
“Are you alone?” Mary asked.
“Yeah, I’m in my car, driving home from work,” Lisa said. “So you’re on speaker, technically, but there’s no one else in the car.”
“Okay,” Mary said.
“What thoughts have you been having?” Lisa asked. “Taking the next step with Henry?”
“Kind of,” Mary said. “Well, yes, to put it bluntly. But it’s more than that, too. It’s not just Henry, but like, everything. I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about what was right or wrong with sex.”
“I’ve been there,” Lisa said.
“Well, do you mind if I ask: why did you leave the whole purity culture behind you? Were you just attracted to someone?” Mary asked.
Lisa was silent, likely gathering her thoughts, so Mary waited.
“Well, I don’t know that it was a conscious thought on my part, so much as part of my rejection of the whole,” Lisa said. “My parents weren’t religious, but they supported our going to church when I was growing up. Part of that meant going to youth group, which I attended because my friends did. They taught the whole abstinence culture, among other things.”
“Yeah,” Mary said. “I’m familiar.” She chuckled. Her parents were very religious, so she got it both at home and at church.
“Well, when I was in college, I realized that most of the rules put in place by my church were, to put it mildly, bullshit,” Lisa said. “No offense. I’m not trying to turn you into an atheist or anything, but that was my journey. I started questioning things. My church leaders hated that. And I realized there was a tremendous difference between religion as a construct, the subculture they were peddling, and the philosophies they taught. Some philosophies, such as love, loving your neighbor, and the golden rule, are great ideas. The rules, though, the things they add to it? Not so much. There were so many inconsistencies, hypocrisies, and contradictions to their logic and objective truth that I don’t even know where to start.”
Mary paused as she considered that. As foundational as her faith was to her, she had to admit she’d noticed differences between what Scripture taught and what preachers preached, even as a kid. The difference between the Old Testament God and the New Testament God was the most glaring. And the Old Testament didn’t apply anymore, unless the pastor liked that verse, like the Ten Commandments, and those comments about homosexuality were the foundation for a lot of hatred. Still, other verses in the same chapter didn’t apply.
“That makes sense,” Mary said, her voice quiet as she continued to think.
“So, I had a few realizations back-to-back,” Lisa said. “Love isn’t a sin, right? That includes love between two women.”
“And two men?” Mary asked.
“Well, yeah, but that didn’t apply to me,” Lisa said with a light laugh in her voice. “It also made me realize emotions aren’t a sin. Right? Like, anger isn’t a sin, even if the things you might do with it can be bad things to do. But just feeling angry? That’s not a moral issue, and it isn’t right or wrong; it’s just human.”
“Right,” Mary agreed. “That makes sense.”
“That means that lust isn’t a sin. It’s an emotion, like sadness and anger. It’s human, and sexual attraction to someone isn’t wrong; you just have to be careful how you act on it.”
That was a tougher pill for Mary to swallow, but she did it. It made sense, and she’d experienced lust plenty of times without condemning herself for it. Guilt had lost the battle with her arousal long ago when she started reading smutty romance books in college.
“But acting on it, on lust, I mean, is wrong?” Mary asked.
“Of course not,” Lisa said. “But there are wrong ways to act, and right ways to act.”
“How do you tell what the right and wrong ways are?” Mary asked, and the answer leaped to her mind. She’d said it enough last night. “Consent?”
“Exactly,” Lisa said. Her grin was audible. “So, get Henry’s consent, and do what you want. Be safe about it, of course, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah,” Mary chuckled. “But what if I want to do more than just be with Henry? What if I have feelings for someone else, too? Is that okay?”
Silence.
“Lisa?”
“I’m here, sorry. I was thinking. That uh, I was not expecting that question,” Lisa said. “That threw me for a loop.”
“Sorry,” Mary said, sliding into her default apology.
“No, it’s okay,” Lisa assured her. “When you say you have feelings for someone else, are you talking about like in the Why Choose romance we just read? Is there some other guy you want to do things with that you do things with?”
“Kind of,” Mary admitted.
“To be clear, are you thinking about cheating on Henry?” Lisa asked. “Because I’d argue that is a moral issue. You’re in a relationship with him, and he can’t consent to you doing anything with someone else if he doesn’t know about it.”
“No, of course I wouldn’t cheat on Henry!” Mary said, shocked that Lisa would even suggest such a thing.
“Oh, okay, good,” Lisa said.
“If everyone is present and consenting, that’s okay, right?” Mary asked. “But what about, like, if they’re not present? Like, if Henry and the other person do something without me, that’s okay if I’m okay with it?”
“I’m so confused,” Lisa said. “Is Henry bi?”
“Not that I’m aware of,” Mary said. “But the other person I might have those kinds of feelings for isn’t a man.”
“Oh, my God!” Lisa said. “I knew it! Who? Who? Who?”
Mary couldn’t help but laugh. The series of questions made Lisa sound like an owl. Then all Mary could picture was an owl version of Lisa flying around the library, handing out books like something out of Winnie the Pooh.
“Were you just teasing me?” Lisa asked.
“No, I’m being serious,” Mary said. “I’m sorry, but you sounded like an owl, and it made me giggle.”
Lisa laughed. “Sorry, I just got excited. I’ve called it since day one, and if you’re a lesbian, Barbara owes me a hundred dollars. Fifty if you’re bi.”
“I’d appreciate it if this stayed between us, at least for now,” Mary said. “I don’t know that I’m ready to, like, announce anything. Don’t tell the book club girls yet and say nothing on social media.”
“Right, of course, no, I get that,” Lisa said. “I won’t say anything, I promise. I’m happy for you, though, Mary. This is a huge fuckin’ deal, and you should be so proud of yourself!”
“Thank you,” Mary said, finishing her makeup and picking up her phone. She carried it with her out of her bathroom and into her small apartment. Well, she called it an apartment; it was the second floor of a small house that she rented from an elderly woman she knew from church who lived below her. The private entrance on the side of the house made it an apartment. It had two bedrooms, a hallway with a bathroom, and a locked door that opened to the stairs downstairs. The first bedroom was the ‘living room’ with a kitchen and a door that led to the outside stairs. The second bedroom was her bed, ‘home office’ desk, and her bookshelves.
“But can you tell me who it is?” Lisa asked. “Who was your gay awakening?”
“It’s, uh, well, it’s complicated,” Mary said. “And it’s not like every woman turns me on or anything. It’s just her, but it’s confusing. It might not even be that I’m into her, just that I’m kind of associating her with those thoughts, you know?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t backtrack,” Lisa said. “Be honest with yourself and embrace those feelings. It’s okay, it’s not a sin, and it’s not something you need to be ashamed about, I promise.”
Mary smiled. “Thanks, Lisa.”
“Of course,” Lisa said. “And you don’t have to tell me, even though I’m dying of curiosity and I promise not to tell,” Lisa said. The nerves in her voice gave her a vibrato that made Mary smile. At least someone was as excited as she was.
“It’s Vicky,” Mary confessed in a rush, blushing as she said it. Sure, Lisa might think it was trite and adorable for her to have a girl-crush on Vicky, but Mary couldn’t help it. Thinking of her the way she’d seen her last night made Mary’s face warm as it had when she imagined Henry. The entire time she’d been in the shower, imagining Henry, Vicky had been there beside him. She was in this, connected to it, and it felt amazing to admit to someone, anyone, that Mary had feelings for Vicky that might have progressed beyond friendship.
Yet all Lisa said was: “Oh.”
The disappointment in Lisa’s voice was tangible, like a slap of cold shower water dousing Mary’s enthusiasm in an instant. She sat cross-legged on her bed, her phone in front of her, the black screen facing her as she spoke to Lisa on speakerphone. Lisa was driving, so neither saw the other’s expression, but Mary didn’t have to see her to know that Lisa’s smile had vanished faster than her car’s exhaust.
“What’s wrong?” Mary asked.
“No, it’s not wrong,” Lisa said. “I’m just processing. I—you said, Vicky? You have these feelings for Vicky? Book Club, Vicky? Our Vicky?”
“Well, yeah,” Mary said, second-guessing herself. Lisa had said that it wasn’t wrong, but she sure sounded as if she disapproved. Was it wrong that she felt this way for Vicky after all? It could violate their friendship. Or did Lisa disapprove of Vicky?
“Lisa, what’s wrong?” Mary asked. “You were happy a second ago, but when I said it was Vicky, you flipped. Do you not like her?”
“I like Vicky. But is she aware?” Lisa asked. “That you’re having these thoughts?”
“No,” Mary said. She recalled last night and this morning. She’d been adamant that she wasn’t bi, but that hadn’t stopped her feelings. Had Vicky known? Could she tell? She knew Mary better than anyone, so it was possible, but Mary didn’t think it was likely. “I mean, maybe? But no, probably not.”
“Okay,” Lisa said. “Fuck. Of course it’s Vicky.”
Mary hesitated.
“She told you she broke up with Bart, or Barry, or whatever his name was, right?” Lisa asked.
“Yeah,” Mary said.
“And that’s when these feelings of yours started?” Lisa asked.
Mary couldn’t tell her about last night or this morning. Not yet. She couldn’t explain that it had been a shower epiphany brought on by last night’s events either. That it was a shower epiphany was close enough to the truth not to be a lie; she just had to leave the rest of the truth out of it. “It was a shower epiphany I had today.”
“And your epiphany was that you have romantic, possibly even sexual, feelings for Vicky?” Lisa asked.
“I think so. I don’t know,” Mary said. “It’s confusing.”
“Christ,” Lisa said, and Mary wished she hadn’t. Not that she was sensitive to people taking the Lord’s name in vain, but she didn’t need any reminders of the religious figure’s omniscient attention right now.
“Okay,” Lisa said, as if understanding something. “Right. Okay. Well, if Vicky doesn’t know that you feel this way, I should, um, I—look, I hate to come between you two. I know you’re best friends, and I can’t compete with that. But—dammit—you need to talk to Vicky. She’s got a lot going on, and if you want to throw your hat in the ring with her, do it sooner rather than later.”
“What do you mean?” Mary asked, confused. She tried to track what Lisa said, but she’d interrupted herself and jumped tracks too many times.
“It’s not my place to say,” Lisa said. “Let’s just say she rebounded quickly after Barry. She hasn’t committed to a whole new relationship yet, but she’s weighing getting involved with someone, and she might have a date tonight with someone else outside of that.”
Mary’s brow furrowed in confusion, then relaxed. Vicky and Henry had agreed to play video games together. Vicky must’ve told Lisa at some point, though Mary didn’t know when. Nor did she know if Vicky had mentioned Henry by name, but she assumed not based on the questions Lisa had asked. That meant that whatever was between the three of them was still a secret.
“Have you talked to Vicky since she dumped Barry?” Mary asked, confused about when that happened. She’d slept for a few hours after getting home, though, so it wasn’t like she had a clear summary of what Vicky did after she left Henry’s apartment this morning.
“She came by the library looking for books,” Lisa said. “I can’t say more than that. All I can say is that you should talk to her, like, now. As soon as we hang up, call her.”
“Okay,” Mary said. “And Lisa?”
“Yeah?” Lisa asked, sounding sad and exhausted.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Lisa said, lying so badly that even Mary heard it.
“Do you want to come over?” Mary asked. “We can hang out tonight.”
“No, it’s okay,” Lisa said. “I uh, had plans tonight, though that might change, I guess.”
“Well, if they change, come over,” Mary said.
Lisa chuckled, but there was no mirth or humor in it. Had discovering the source of Mary’s crush hurt her somehow? Had she hoped it was her, and not Vicky?
Not that Lisa was an unattractive woman. She was quite pretty, but Mary had never thought of her, or any woman other than Vicky, in a sexual context. Vicky was the only woman she’d seen in that situation. She knew what it looked like when Vicky undressed, masturbated, stroked Henry’s cock, or came. She had no idea what it might look like when Lisa did those things.
Would Lisa even get involved with Henry? She had a history with guys, but that was before she came out as a lesbian. So, if Lisa were to get involved with her and Henry, she’d focus more on Mary.
The thought made Mary blush scarlet. She imagined Vicky on her knees between Henry’s sturdy thighs, giving him a blowjob. Meanwhile, she sat across the way in her recliner, but she wasn’t using her fingers like last time. Lisa was kneeling between Mary’s legs, kissing her down there, eating her out.
Mary’s brain short-circuited.
“If my plans change, I’m going to curl up with a good book and a heavy weighted blanket,” Lisa said, her voice sad. “And a pint of ice cream I’ve been saving.”
“Lisa,” Mary said, unsure of how to start. “Were you hoping I’d say it was you?”
“What?” Lisa asked.
“Is that arrogant of me?” Mary asked, backtracking at the surprise in Lisa’s voice. “It’s just, you sounded so disappointed when I said that it was Vicky I was having these thoughts about. Did you want me to have these kinds of thoughts about you?”
“No, no, it’s not that,” Lisa said. “I mean, I’d be flattered, and you’re very attractive, but no, I wasn’t disappointed about that.”
“Okay,” Mary said, taking her answer as the truth because she had no reason to think Lisa would lie. “So, what disappointed you?”
Lisa sighed. “I’ve been trying to date Vicky for years.”
Mary’s eyebrows shot up. “You have?”
“Well, yeah,” Lisa said. “The timing wasn’t right when we met, but I fell for her hard. The only problem is that every time she’s single, the window of opportunity gets shorter, and I always miss it. Then today, when she told me she dumped Barry, I thought I might have a chance. But if she has to choose between you and me, well, it’s no contest. You’ve got years of friendship, and you’re so much hotter than me.”
“Aw,” Mary said. Gratitude for the compliment wasn’t the right reaction. Nor was sympathy appropriate for her predicament. To be honest, Mary didn’t know how to respond to that odd mixture of compliments and despair. “But you don’t have to compete with me,” Mary said. “I’m with Henry, and besides, Vicky likes variety. She could date both of us, if we’re okay with it and consenting, right?”
Silence reigned on the other end of the phone.
“What?” Lisa asked. The shock in her voice was clear.
“I mean, we discussed that, right? I can only date Vicky if Henry and she consent. The only way for Vicky to date both you and me is if you and I consent, right? Otherwise, she’d have to pick one of us, but she doesn’t have to choose if we don’t make her. So, why make her choose?”
“I—” Lisa’s voice cut off, and Mary could only imagine her expression. Was she still driving? Had she parked? Was she sitting in her car somewhere, or had she gone inside her apartment for this conversation?
“Unless you want her to choose,” Mary said. “Which makes sense. You expected monogamy, right?”
“Well, yeah,” Lisa said. “I mean. If we started slow, she might see other people for a while until we made things exclusive, or she dumped me for someone else.”
“I don’t think she’d dump you,” Mary said. “You’re a catch!” Her friendship with Lisa overtook her competitive nature. “But would you be willing to share her if you were expecting her to see other people at first, either way?”
“I don’t know,” Lisa said. “I’d have to think about it.”
Mary understood that. It was a lot to shift expectations from monogamy to something entirely different. She’d had hours to process these changes, and still didn’t know what would happen. Vicky needed to be a part of it, though. She wasn’t brave enough to be intimate with Henry without her. She hadn’t been brave enough to shower with him this morning, though that had more to do with Mike and Audrey than the lack of Vicky.
“Did you just go from coming out of the closet to me to suggesting a polyamorous relationship with you, me, and Vicky?” Lisa asked.
“And Henry,” Mary said, reminding her that her boyfriend was part of the deal. “I’m not dumping him for Vicky or anything like that.”
“Right, of course not,” Lisa said. “But you’re not satisfied with just Henry?”
“Henry’s great,” Mary said. “He’s… he’s the man I want to marry. But I need Vicky too. I don’t know if I can do it without her. Does that make sense?”
“No,” Lisa said, answering as honestly as Mary had ever heard. “But I’m not judging you or condemning you. You’re still figuring things out. So am I. You’ve given me a lot to consider.”
“I’m sorry,” Mary said, apologizing by default.
“It’s okay,” Lisa said. “I should go. I’ve been sitting in my car. You should call Vicky. Or, maybe I should.”
“We should three-way,” Mary said.
“Excuse me?” Lisa asked, sputtering the question.
“Three-way call,” Mary said. “We can both talk to her and ask her if she’s okay with this.”
“I mean, she might be, given the books she was checking out,” Lisa said. “Oh, fuck, I didn’t say that. Pretend I didn’t say that. You heard nothing.”
Mary furrowed her brow in confusion. “What books?”
“She checked out a bunch of books on polyamory because she met a couple last night at the bar and went home with them,” Lisa blurted. “So, she might be open-minded enough to consider this, but I don’t know if I am. That’d be a heck of a complicated polycule, her dating that couple, and me, and you, and you dating Henry.”
Mary processed what Lisa had just said, confused until she realized that she and Henry were the couple. Vicky must’ve lied to protect their identities from Lisa, who wasn’t much of a gossip but didn’t need to know about what happened last night. Her impulse to correct the misunderstanding and identify herself and Henry as the couple surged and faded just as quickly. She’d have to clear that with Henry first, and it was probably a conversation that Vicky should be present for, so she could explain why she hid the truth.
At least Vicky was looking into polyamory, though. She was reading and studying, and Mary wondered what books she’d borrowed from the library and if she could borrow them without raising suspicion. Or, perhaps Vicky would let her read them before she returned them.
She wanted to tell Lisa that it was okay, that things didn’t have to be complicated if she didn’t want them to be, but that meant giving up Vicky. Mary wasn’t sure she could do that. She needed, wanted, and loved Vicky, even if the love she had for her was transforming.
“I don’t know what to do,” Mary admitted. “I’m sorry, Lisa, I called you for advice, and I’ve made everything so much worse.”
“It’s not your fault,” Lisa said. “I’m… I’m proud of you for coming out, even if it’s only to me.”
Mary wasn’t sure she’d call it that, but she appreciated Lisa’s encouragement.
“You should tell Henry, though,” Lisa added. “It’s not fair to him if he doesn’t know, and he might have something to say about you wanting to date both him and Vicky while she dates other people.”
Mary agreed, but he’d more or less said what he’d wanted. He didn’t want two girlfriends, but how would he feel about his girlfriend having a girlfriend? Wouldn’t it be easier if he dated Vicky, too? Was he only against it because he thought he should be? She’d seen the sexual chemistry between them, and it was hot. So, was it just because he didn’t know her yet? Friends First was a great foundation for a relationship, but did they have time for that with Lisa wanting to date Vicky?
“I should go,” Lisa said. “I need to go inside and figure out what my evening plans are.”
“Okay,” Mary said. “If you want to talk tonight, we can. I’ll even invite Vicky and Henry, so everyone’s on the same page. I don’t know that we’ll have any more answers, though.”
Lisa chuckled, low and dry. “Well, I might have good book recommendations if you’re looking into polyamory. It’s all the rage nowadays, apparently. We could start a whole new book club.”
Mary grinned a small, sad grin. Lisa couldn’t see it through the phone, but Mary couldn’t see her either. She imagined her sitting in her car, as Lisa must have imagined her sitting on her bed. She wondered what Lisa would say if she realized she was on her bed in nothing but her panties. Would she find that hot? How did lesbianism work? Were they visual, like guys?
She was about to ask, then thought better of it. She considered apologizing for making things awkward, but Lisa had told her not to. Mary restrained the impulse and pursed her lips instead.
“Look, Mary, I’m not sure what to say. I won’t have it figured out by tonight, but talk to Henry and Vicky. Let me know when you do so, and I can talk to Vicky, and we’ll figure things out from there.”
“Okay,” Mary said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Yeah,” Lisa said. “Goodbye?”
“Goodbye,” Mary said. She ended the call and flopped back onto her bed. Her boobs expressed their displeasure at the sudden movement, but her pillow caught her head. Her mattress provided a soft landing space for her back as she spread her arms and legs and star-fished as she exhaled.
When did love get so complicated? And how was she going to express any of this to Vicky and Henry?
She texted Vicky first. A cold call would only make her panic, so a warm-up text was best.
Mary: Hey, are you doing okay?
Vicky didn’t respond right away. It was twenty minutes before Mary’s phone dinged, which gave her time to put on a big, baggy t-shirt she’d had since college. She would have slipped into a pair of pajama shorts, but she went without them. It was hot, and the air conditioner did its best, but living on the second floor of a house made it oppressive in the summer. She put on a pair of pink cotton panties and reveled in her secret sexiness. No one was here to see her. If Henry came over, well, maybe she wouldn’t change.
She tidied her apartment, sat on her sofa, and opened a book. She was halfway through a page when her phone buzzed, and she grabbed it.
Vicky: Yeah, I’m good! I’m reading poly stuff, and it’s smart stuff. It makes sense, the way they explain things, but it’s not something I would have considered, even if they make it seem like common sense. You know?
Mary: Not really? Can I borrow the book when you finish it?
Vicky: Sure. I’m a quarter of the way through this one, and I’ll drop it off to you as soon as I finish it. You’ll just have to give it back to me because it’s a library book, and Lisa will hunt me down with a harpoon if I lose another library book.
Mary: lol.
Vicky: lol.
Mary: Did you have plans tonight? Lisa said you had a date?
Vicky: When did you talk to Lisa?
Mary: Twenty minutes ago? While she was driving home from work.
Vicky: Oh, okay. Yeah, we’re going out tonight.
Mary: On a date?
Vicky: A date? No, we’re just going to an author signing at the bookstore. I’m gonna be her wing woman.
Mary stared at her phone. Had she put something together about love and romance before Vicky did? No, right? She must be mistaken. Vicky made it sound as if she and Lisa were doing it together, which meant that Vicky was the plans that Lisa had that night. Lisa was the date with ‘someone else’ that Vicky had. Poor Lisa. She’d been trying to date Vicky for years, and Vicky was either as clueless as Mary was or cruel. Mary couldn’t believe she’d be cruel to Lisa.
Mary: I think Lisa thinks it’s a date between the two of you.
Vicky: What did she say?
Mary: Well, we got talking about love, romance, feelings, and purity stuff, and uh, you came up. She mentioned you met a couple last night and that you have another date tonight. Lisa didn’t say it was with her, though. She just said that she had plans. We were talking about how I was feeling, and she said I should talk to you before you went on your date, in case it changed the plans.
Vicky: How are you feeling? Are you sick? Do you need soup or ginger ale? I can run some over. Am I going to get sick? How’s Henry?
Mary: No, not that kind of feeling. Other feelings. Can I call?
Vicky: Sure. FaceTime?
Mary: That might be best.
Mary took a deep breath, readied herself, and reclined with her feet on the sofa. She set the phone on her legs so that it faced her as Vicky’s FaceTime call came through. She smiled as she answered it, then laughed. Vicky was in the same position, but in bed, and wearing only her bra.
“So, what’s up?” Vicky asked. “Are you nauseous or something?”
“No,” Mary said. “Well, I’m nervous, but I’ve been obsessing over last night, and this morning, and playing it repeatedly in my head. I can’t stop. I’m spiraling and getting muddled up.”
“Muddled up?” Vicky asked. “Like you can’t recall what happened when?”
“No, I can,” Mary said. “I remember all of it, in vivid detail, but my feelings are very confusing, and I—”
Vicky waited as Mary froze, unable to proceed as her breath stopped halfway down her throat. Telling Vicky that she had feelings for her made those feelings so intimidating that it became impossible. It was the same mental block that dropped onto her whenever she considered doing something intimate with Henry. Vicky had helped her overcome that, but did that mean she needed Henry to overcome this one?
Mary closed her eyes and breathed, imagining that Henry was there, holding her hand. She opened her eyes again and looked directly at Vicky’s alarmed and waiting face. “I think I might have feelings for you.”
“For me?” Vicky asked, surprised. “Like feelings, feelings?”
“Naughty feelings,” Mary said, though she wasn’t sure the clarification helped.
“Naughty feelings?” Vicky asked. The confusion on her face overrode the surprise, but Mary assumed that was because she’d said the wrong thing or used the wrong terminology. Should she have said lust? Love?
“Wait,” Vicky said. “Are you saying that, after last night, you think you’re into me that way? Sexually? Was my coming over last night for more than just helping you and Henry to be intimate with each other?”
“No, last night was for Henry and me,” Mary said, sure of that. “These feelings are new. They’re surfacing whenever I remember last night, and I—I don’t know. I’m a mess right now, Vicky. Your friendship means so much to me. I trust and love you so much that I’m terrified of grossing you out or chasing you away, or ending our friendship because I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Stop,” Vicky said. “Mary, calm down. It’s okay. Our friendship isn’t going away, even if what you’re feeling is genuine, or if it becomes something… more, or whatever-the-fuck, sorry for the language.”
“It’s okay,” Mary said, not caring about the cursing as much as she did. “I’m not a lesbian, though. I still love Henry, and I’m attracted to him. And I’m not sure if I’m even into women or if it’s just you. I keep thinking about how you looked when you… arrived this morning. In Henry’s computer chair. The look on your face. It made me want to kiss you. Or at least, remembering it does.”
“Mary, it’s okay,” Vicky said. “You’re just starting to experiment with intimacy, and it’s throwing you for a loop. You’re okay. I’m not mad or anything. Heck, it’s flattering. I’m not sure I buy that you’re bi, though. You might just be horny because you keep thinking about last night and this morning. Have you—No, what am I saying, of course you haven’t masturbated.”
Mary blushed, but couldn’t look down much with how the phone was resting. She was already looking down into it. “How do I know if I’m bi?”
“Well, being attracted to a woman and a man is a great start,” Vicky said. “It’s the biggest clue when you get down to it.”
Mary frowned. “I’m serious, Vicky. And what does it mean if I am? Not only in life, but for what we were planning to do with you, me, and Henry?”
“Well, in both cases, that’s up to you,” Vicky said. “You should tell Henry, of course, but other than that, who you tell, what you do, and who you sleep with—”
“I’m not sleeping with anyone yet!” Mary said.
“No, I know,” Vicky said, raising a hand to calm her down, which drew Mary’s attention to her hand and the chest beyond it. Somehow, that didn’t calm her down. It made her heart race, and it turned the light pink blush across her nose a darker red. “But what we did last night, any of your personal intimacy, for that matter, is a personal matter. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to, or you can tell everyone and shout it from the rooftops. Hell, I’ll join you. We can get a bullhorn and tell the entire city we’re gay for each other.”
Mary gulped.
“Or, if you don’t want anybody to know, you can trust that I’ll keep my mouth shut,” Vicky said. “Discretion is a virtue we agree on.”
Mary considered that. Deceit wasn’t a good thing, but discretion was. She and Vicky had always agreed on keeping private things private, and not airing dirty laundry, or laundry at all, in places where it didn’t belong.
“Does that mean you feel the same way?” Mary asked.
Vicky hesitated. “I’m not sure. I mean, I love you too, obviously, but you’re Mary. You’re hot in an all-American farm girl way, but you’re also my best friend. I haven’t let myself think of you that way for more than a passing second here and there, at least, not until last night. And I haven’t been replaying it the way you have, I’ve been reading up on poly stuff to help you, me, and Henry figure this whole thing out.”
“I guess this makes that more complicated,” Mary said.
“In some ways, yes. It would simplify the hell out of it in others,” Vicky said.
“What about Lisa?” Mary asked. “She’s looking forward to your date. She said she’s been trying to go on a date with you for years, but you’re always taken.”
“That—” Vicky hesitated. “Makes sense.” She sighed. “I’ll talk to her and straighten things out. For now, there’s not much to be done, right? It’s not like you want to leave Henry for me, right?”
“I don’t want to leave Henry, no. I love him,” Mary said. “I want to marry him, but I can’t be with him without you. You need to be in my life just as much as I need Henry.”
Vicky absorbed that, resting her head against her headboard as she considered what any of that meant and how it might look for their future. Mary had the same thoughts going through her head, if she read Vicky’s face correctly. In a way, though, that had always been the plan. Marry Henry, and spend the rest of her life with Vicky. Those goals were not mutually exclusive. It was just that now, when she pictured that future, there were fewer clothes involved.
“I can’t lose you, or him,” Mary said. She felt the tears well in her eyes, but held them back. Besides, it wasn’t sadness that loomed over her, but fear. Fear of loss and the unknown. The same fears she faced every day. Fears she needed Vicky and Henry with her to face.
“I get that,” Vicky said. “That’s why we’re going to try polyamory, right? Well, one reason.”
Mary nodded.
“So, we should move forward with what we talked about this morning, and as far as Lisa is concerned, well, we should tell her,” Vicky said.
“About my feelings for you?” Mary asked. “She knows. I told her.”
“No, that you and Henry are the couple I met last night. That we are thinking of trying poly, and maybe we should invite her to join us in that polycule if you’re okay with it.”
Mary considered that. She imagined Lisa being with them, joining them as Vicky had. The mental images didn’t repulse her, but they didn’t arouse her either. Not like when she imagined Vicky.
“Would Lisa want that?” Mary asked. “She doesn’t like men. Not that way.”
“That’s something we’d have to figure out, but she wouldn’t have to date Henry if she didn’t want to. Something I’ve been reading about is that not every member of a polycule has to date every other member. Some do, but many don’t, and it’s okay to be flexible. It doesn’t have to be as rigid a relationship as monogamy. It’s about communication, and making sure everyone is secure, but the rules are whatever everyone agrees to.”
“Well, we’d talked about getting someone else involved anyway, at some point, right?” Mary asked, looking at Vicky. “For when I need to learn to deep throat?”
“Yeah, we’d mentioned it,” Vicky said, nodding. “Somehow, though, I don’t think Lisa is the one to teach you that. She might teach you to muff dive, though.”
“What’s muff dive mean?” Mary asked.
“Oh, you sweet summer blossom,” Vicky sighed.
Mary chuckled. That was what Vicky called her when she’d missed something lewd. She wasn’t sure, given their topic of conversation and recent activities, that the endearment would persist much longer. She was growing and leaving her childish innocence behind, nearly a decade after turning eighteen. It was about time.
“So, what should we do tonight?” Mary asked.
“Well, if you and Henry give me the all-clear, I’ll tell Lisa everything,” Vicky said. She bit her lip. “Then she can decide whether she wants to get involved in something like that, and to what degree.”
“Okay,” Mary said. “I’m okay with it. Should I ask Henry, or do you want to?”
“Well, you need to talk to him anyway, so just text me as soon as you can and let me know what the decision is,” Vicky said.
“You got it,” Mary said. “And then, after the signing, the four of us could sit down and talk somewhere? We could go to a restaurant or something?”
“You want to have this conversation in public?” Vicky asked. Mary’s bravery warranted her shock, especially because it wasn’t bravery so much as a lack of foresight. She hadn’t thought her suggestion through.
“I guess we should have it at one of our places. I can ask Henry if Mike’s out again?” Mary asked.
“We can have it at my place,” Vicky said. “It’s small, but it’s private.”
“I’ll bring food,” Mary said, switching into party-planning mode.
“Talk to Henry first,” Vicky said. “One step at a time. We’ll text. We’ll figure it out. And if we don’t see each other tonight, that’s okay.”
“Okay,” Mary said. “I’ll talk to Henry. Thanks for not freaking out at me, or thinking I’m a freak for feeling this way, or like a creep or something.”
“Mary, you couldn’t be a creep if you tried. You’re too cute,” Vicky assured her. She probably meant nothing by it, but the compliment still stung Mary’s cheeks with blushing fury.
Vicky chuckled. “See you later.”
“See you,” Mary agreed, and ended the call.