“You might want to listen to this alone...."
You looked up as your past self gave you time.
"You wish for us to leave?" Nanami questioned.
"Not us him, get out." Gojo pointed to Choso.
"I can go if she wishes it." Choso stated firmly, but you could see how hopeful he was for you to allow him to stay.
You looked at them nervously, wondering if you should take this recording privately, but you couldn't decide before you started talking again.
(You barely gave yourself time to move!)
"You could have paused the recorder with a click, but I don't have such luxuries of time, so I hope you are around people you trust at least. I know you are me. Y/n. You put in our birthday, not from this realm but from the one we are from. Even though Raven is us... she doesn't understand what is going on... not like we do. She's the version that mans this ship the majority of the time, and she does her best with what pieces of information she has. She truly believes she was born here. But we know the truth don’t we?
Heh...I know this must be strange…hearing your own voice that you don't remember recording…I know I would find it strange…and you must have a lot of questions for me, such as why I erased our memories. That’s the only reason you are listening to this… because you want to know our past. You want what I have locked away, and I’m recording this to tell you to stop. Bringing those memories back will bring me back, and quite possibly the cancer that plagues our mind. I was hoping I could protect you...protect us. I don't know what would happen if you were to reverse what I am about to do, we may collide and become a whole new person...you remember that show back at home? The one where the different innies and outies share the same mind but have different memories? I can't remember its name, and maybe you can't either, with how broken our tower of memories is. But combining two minds resulted in negative effects, so I think you know what I'm getting at.
I don't know how long I have before I shift again, but I will try to make this brief and explain what I can.
If I recall correctly, I was playing the game for like the tenth time, wine in one hand and the bottle in the other, and when I finished the game, a message popped up, asking if I was ready to start my true journey. I just thought there was a secret ending, so I clicked yes, and then the screen turned into a black hole, the lights began to flicker on and off, a violent earthquake shook our room, and I was sucked into the computer. I was shot out onto this stone platform with gigantic statues all around. And then I...
The recorded crackles a little bit as the voice took in a shaky breath, and within the pause, you heard what sounded like sniffling.
...I can't-I can't- I can't-
You were crying.
You can do it-
I can't-
We have to be strong.
It sounded like you were talking to yourself, but you can hear little hints of a difference with each pitch. It took a moment for one persona to get the other in check, and you held your breath the entire time until you finally spoke clearly into the device.
I-I I was attacked by- I-by something I can't remember-, and then everything went to shit. I was going in and out-Waking up at d-different times, in different places... in excruciating pain or in an unfamiliar territory- and-and-!
You were talking so fast you began to gasp for air.
Clam down...
Yes...I need to calm down...I know…
Um…so yeah…It didn't take me long to realize that we were Raven and I knew...I knew what was coming for me, and yet all I could do was sit back and watch as each time I blink my eyes, I'm one step closer to death. It's like I have been marching in a straight line and no matter how hard I fight, I can't get away from my destination...I tried...I really, really... tried... but I....it's impossible... Neither Raven nor I understand what's going on half the time, and neither do the other variants of ourselves. They are all afraid...I can feel it...feel how we all feel, and they are trying...we are trying, but- not everyone understands what's happening or what to do.
It’s like trying to solve a puzzle with half the pieces missing…
We pushed Tigress into the water the other day, screaming at her to learn how to swim. You know why? Because one of our variants knew what was coming for her, and she wanted to help her get over her fear of water. I laughed about it, seeing how ironic it was. You would understand if you have that piece of memory. I don’t know how much of you you have you know? And that’s what makes our life difficult. None of us is put together, and Raven is just playing the villain because that's all she can do. But there's something else that I cannot remember... another reason she's so cruel to others... but that variant won't tell us. I can just feel it. I believe whatever it is, it's lost in the cracks of our minds that only a few of us have access to.
So that’s why I am making this decision… I am giving this chance to a new version of us...to find some peace in life... but deep down I think...I just didn't want to wake up and find myself on that fucking battlefield with you know who ripping me apart... I guess that makes me a coward, but I just-I just can't...I can't....and Raven knows it too.... she knows where we are going. We all do... Some of us have accepted it, but the part of me that I am- whatever part of me- we would rather be asleep... I never felt such cold dread when Mei Mei told me they were coming. And I thought to myself who knows when I will wake up again. Who knows when I will have this much control again?
I had to do something. I had to make a final decision.
If only we were issekaied as someone else, huh? I always wondered… Why… why were we brought here? Just to suffer? Why is it that this is our destiny?
It’s not fair…tired…I’m so…tired…
But...you…have come back... I... a part of me has come back...and that is you…If it is me who is listening to this, then...maybe there's hope...and maybe you can change our fate.
Or maybe this is all just part of the same path... Kenjaku told me the choice was never ours. I don't know if he was lying... and neither do you.
If you are willing to take the leap of faith and wish to resume your battle, then speak with Shikamaru.
I am sorry...it was too much for me to handle…But I hope you were reborn with a new strength… the kind I had at the start of our journey… It’s up to you now.
I pray... for your happiness.
For our happiness...
And for our happy ending...
And if it ever becomes too much for you...Then you know who to go to... because not even our death is in our hands.
Trust me, we have tried and failed plenty of times.
Good luck Y/n...
The robot's mouth clicked shut once the recording was finished. You blew out a heavy breath. "Fuck...that was rough..."
"Are you okay?" Toji questioned you with lowered brows.
You slowly nodded, but changed your mind, shaking your head. "No...I don't know... that was a lot to take in..." You smoothed your thumb over the device's face, trying to understand everything you had just heard. "I...I don't know what to even say about this..." You caught Sukuna looking away from everyone. "Sukuna...? Are you alright?"
"I'm fine."
“I was unaware… of such misery you were living…” Nanami whispered sadly.
“It hurts… to hear myself cry… but I owe it to her…to me… to try to find the happiness that…” you placed a hand upon your chest, this moment felt so heavy. Like you were the one that came out of all that chaos… You were given this torch to continue your journey. You didn’t start it… But maybe you were here to finish it. All of the different versions of you, locked away within your mind. “…all I can do is keep moving forward…continue with the information that I have provided… I can’t give up…they are counting on me…” You swallowed a hard lump in your throat, realizing you aren’t even the original version of yourself.
“Let’s start at the beginning…” Getou began.
“So you did...come from another world?" Choso stated softly.
"See? You know too much-now we have to kill you!" Gojo raised his fingers, but you grabbed his hand and brought it down gently.
"Uh..y-Yes...I am...” It was hard for you to fight the dizziness you felt from all of this. “Uh...we are from another world...Raven and I... I don't recall being brought here and being sucked into my computer and being attacked; that is a part of my memory that Mei Mei hid. I think it may have been where the curse was inhabiting... It sounds like my old self didn't think I would come back like this, and neither did Mei Mei..."
“She said she was teleported here from your home. So that makes you…" Getou gestured.
You looked down at yourself in utter confusion, “The original… but I don’t understand…” You touched upon your body, “The way I look- I look different- this isn’t how I looked…how could that be?”
Choso fidgeted anxiously, “Father…tried to fix you as close as possible…”
“Oh my god…” This time the room spun too much for you and you collapsed into someone’s arms.
“Woah-“
“Get her some water!”
“Baby are you okay?” Getou was fanning you with paper.
“I’m- I’m fine…” you tried to speak it into existence but they all knew you were far from fine.
None of this was fine.
But it had to be fine.
Carefully they helped you sit in a chair. You sipped some water as everyone else remained quiet. The recorder on the table, staring at you.
“…”
“Well…I now know that I came here… got attacked…I think…I know what attacked me…” You could feel a shiver run down your spine as you remembered the large monster that was in your vision when you felt near death. You could barely speak… Your body freezing up...the terror… just as your other version had said. You don’t know exactly what happened, but you just knew.
“It’s okay sweetheart, we don’t need to do this tonight.” Nanami placed a hand upon your shaking fist that was closed so tight you were digging your nails into your palm.
You hadn’t even noticed. Your body reacting to this sliver of trauma.
Toji cleared his throat, “…You should get some food and rest… if you want I can bring you a plate to your room…”
“No… I can’t I need to learn more… I don’t have time to rest.”
“What more do you need to know?” Gojo questioned with a toss of his hands, “You already changed your path, everything is fine now you are with us!”
"Maybe...it’s the part where you get ripped apart..." Choso stated, "...that's the dream you would talk about....is that the fate you were scared of...of Su…um him…?"
You clicked your tongue, "I believe-" You couldn't finish talking before Sukuna walked out of the room. You watched him go and then looked at everyone else. "Just a moment, Choso...I'm going to go after him, but I need you guys to listen. I need everyone I can trust to help me with this. That means Choso, too. In the recording, I said my fate is not my own...so it is clear I cannot do this alone... Gojo you are right…Already I have broken the first step by being a part of your pack, but I believe there is more to this. We got our next clue, and that is to speak with Shikamaru...do you know who that is?" You questioned the beta.
"It's that guy you were speaking about when we were training." Getou stated.
"Did you have a relationship with him?" Toji questioned.
"What? I don't know-"
"Did she have a relationship with some guy named Shikamaru?" Gojo asked with a pinch of jealousy.
"No, not that I am aware of...I never heard you speak about a Shikamaru unless you were telling the tale of the Ninja." Choso answered.
"Dammit..." You bit your lip in frustration. How the hell were you supposed to know who this Shikamaru guy was!? Could you not have given you more hints?! "OK...I need you guys to explain to Choso what is going on, and listen to this recording as many times as you can to put together any more clues. It's... a bit hard for me to listen to it... so can you guys do it for me?"
Your group nodded, "Yeah, of course."
You handed the recorder to your blonde, "And no killing Choso. We need him. As many people as we can trust. I cannot do this alone..." You reminded them as you kissed them goodbye. “You promised to behave Gojo, that was our deal.”
“Fine…” Gojo muttered as you gave him two extra kisses.
“Thank you, alphas, have a good night.” You disappeared into the dark halls, thinking about what you had discovered.
You didn't need to listen to the recorder a second time to remember what you said. It was like it was playing on a constant loop within your mind.
You had suffered so much.
So much...
It hurt to see yourself in Raven, to know that you were fighting a losing battle. Every moment you saw her in the game, more disheveled than the last...inching closer and closer to a death she knew was coming.
It was you all along.
Was that your future? Was the game an omen? Is this your true journey right here and now?
If so, what changed?
What changed your path?
How were you... here?
Maybe that lies in the person who decided to heal you.
Did they change your future?
Your fate?
You got to the room Sukuna was staying in.
Raising your hand, you stopped before knocking. You could smell his burnt scent. It reminded you of how you stood just like this not so long ago. You blew out a shaky breath and then tapped on the door gently, but there was no answer. You knew how this had gone last time, and maybe it was PTSD, but you didn't leave. Instead, you turned around and slid your back against the wall as you sat on the floor. You weren't going to move until you talked with him. You weren't going anywhere. If he wanted to lock himself away, then you would wait right outside until he was ready to-
-The door flew open in a rush, Sukuna threw his head out looking for you. Until he spotted you on the floor, you could see his surprise, but swiftly he blinked the expression away.
"I-I was in the shower." He said, adjusting the towel around his waist with one hand, water droplets raining upon you.
He was fucking soaked.
Looks like you both had PTSD
"I wasn't waiting for long." You stood with a soft smile. "May I come in?"
Sukuna grunted as he leaned against the door, holding it open for you to enter.
You could still hear the shower running as you walked around his wet footprints.
"Give me a sec." He stated.
"No worries." You make your way to the open balcony, leaning against the stone rail. You didn't really stare at anything in particular, just tried to enjoy the cool breeze and the partly cloudy night.
It wasn't long before Sukuna came out to stand next to you, his arms crossed over his bare chest, his back against the rail. He was wearing pants now.
“…”
It was quiet between the two of you as you tapped softly against the stone. Trying to piece together what to even say.
"It's..." You were going to make a comment about the weather, but you decided there was no need to dance around the topic at hand. "...Sukuna...I'm sorry...I'm sorry I never told you the truth."
"It's fine."
"No, it's not...”
“It has to be fine.” He threw your words right back at you.
“I know…” You turned to face him, but he kept his gaze straight ahead. “…but talk to me…let me know what you are thinking… I’m here to make it hopefully a little better than fine…”
He breathed heavily, "…I don't care that you didn't tell me."
"Then what is it…that is bothering you?"
"I care that it's me." He finally looked at you with a glare, as if he was angry that you didn't understand how much this was eating him alive. "I'm the one who has your blood on my hands-"
"No you aren't-"
"That's why you chose me-"
"Sukuna-"
"Because it's my fate to kill you."
"That's not true- we have changed so much Sukuna... don't you see? The game had gone one way every single time… you all pick Dove. But look how much we have already changed? We might as well throw the game out the window now because from the start we have already shaped a different path. I believe I can fight this- I believe we can fight this. I am here for a reason, the game was just a little help for my adventure as a star hero...” You say the words feeling that sense of purpose bleed through your words. “… I'm here to embark on my true journey, I think this is it…”
Sukuna looked away from you, shaking his head as if he were denying everything you were saying. “…What if I’m the villain in your story? That’s why it was showing you, over and over again. A warning.”
“Alpha…” you soften your tone, “if you were going to kill me… then it would have been when you were under that witch's spell and even then you couldn't do it..."
"That's probably because it wasn't time...when is it when do I do it?" He asked with urgency.
"I-I don't remember-"
"Yes, you do- don't fucking lie. Tell me when it is and I will be as far away from you as possible." He gestured into the distance.
"That would make things worse Sukuna. And besides it doesn't matter the day. Miwa was supposed to be dead and that day has passed-"
"Another death by my hands. Maybe it's because I'm not around her."
"No I don’t think--"
"It's fucking me, it's always fucking me. I killed that chef, I killed you -I fucked up, and got kidnapped by that bitch and you lost your pups, your friends, and the help that we needed-because of me everything is me! You said it yourself-It’s my fault!"
You let him get it all out before speaking softly“…Sukuna no…That was cruel of me to say to you…I was… I was angry at that time and- I said things I deeply regretted. It’s not your fault, none of that was your fault. I scared them away and ruined our relationship by breaking out Yuji and summoning the same creatures that attacked their home, if it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine.”
“It would have never happened if it weren't for me.”
You felt your frustration peak, "This is ridiculous… are we going to sit here and play the tug of war on who’s to blame? So fucking what those things happened that bitch shouldn’t have tried to take you away from me!” You tried to steel your nerves, “I-I’m m just happy you are with me, I'm happy our pack is still together. Yes, I am sad about how things have gone but I'll get over it, because I have you. My alphas are what keep me going…”
“…”
“Sukuna.” You place a hand upon his bicep and he flinches.
"If I am away from you and everyone you care about, then there is no other way I can ruin your life."
“Are you insane! Stop talking like that! If you leave me then I will-I will die!"
"And if I stay the same thing could happen!"
"No you-! How can you say this?! Stop being so stupid!”
“Stop being emotional!”
“I’m the emotional one?! Look who’s talking!”
Sukuna growled in frustration, stalking into the room. "I spoke to Toji. I'll stay away, until the day passes. You can tell me, or I can wait until the mating moon, I at least know it happens before then.”
"No! No, you won't! You are doing it again! ! You're running and trying to push me away! Don't you dare give up!"
"I'm not giving up!" He hissed while , grabbing his things, and throwing them in a bag upon the bed.
"Yes, you are! You are letting your fear control you! So what if you kill me-if you are so afraid, then help me figure out how to stop it from happening!"
"This is me stopping it from happening!"
"If you leave, we lose! This pack doesn't work like that- we won't survive unless we have everyone- that includes you, Sukuna!" You grab his arm and turn him so he could face you, his bag being tossed upon the floor in the whiplash. "Don't leave me- don't leave me-" You cried. "Don't leave me again- I couldn't handle it then-I can't-I can't again..." The tears were flowing well before you knew it.
Sukuna's jaw was tense as he tried to wipe your tears away with his thumb, but there was no stopping them. “Stop crying..." He pulled you into his chest, hugging you tight.
You sobbed, wrapping your arms around him. "I don't care...I don't care...if you kill me I don't care..."
"Shut up. You don’t know what you are saying."
"Isn’t this the same? The same as when I feared I would be the death of you? You didn’t care either…”
“Then we shall be the death of each other it would seem…”
“Kind of…romantic isn’t it…” You lightly joked, making Sukuna snort. You felt a bit more confident as you continue, “…But today… the recording helped me understand myself more… Raven was never a bad person she just played into a role that she felt she had to fit… if somehow she were to take over I believe she won’t hurt you… I let that fear consume me but now I realize I have nothing to worry about. This could be the same Sukuna, you have nothing to worry about.”
“…When…when is it. I need to know the day and I need to know how it happens. Tell me everything.”.”
“…” you sniffled a bit before speaking, “…It’s… the week before the matting moon…the week we fight the main villains… Raven tried to kill your omega and you got angry and yeah…but you see? We don’t have to worry about that because I am your omega…” You looked up at him with your sad gaze and you could see how much this was affecting him. “…We don’t have to worry about such things Sukuna…” You reach up to cup his face gently. “…I’m your omega…and you already made a blood oath to me… It’s fine…we are okay…”
“The blood oath only brings me with you, I need a way to stop it from ever coming to that…you think those idiots can survive without you? I might as well kill the whole pack while I’m at it. Put everyone out of their fucking misery.” You could see his eyes grow distant as he got lost in thought.
You found yourself getting snippy, dropping your hands as you say, “Then figure it out! Make sure that doesn’t happen but you and I both know we cannot be a part so stop trying to take the eaay route. You have until December that’s plenty of time for you.“
Sukuna seemed a bit caught off guard by your statement. “And what if it is before then?”
“I don’t know?” You shrug, “You made it my problem when I thought I was going to kill you and didn’t allow me to go home so now this is your problem.” You cracked a little smile finding the parallel in this to be quite ironic.
“You think this shit is funny?” He questioned in anger but it didn’t halt your amusement.
“Yeah, I do. I figured out my end and now it’s your turn to do the same. Be mad at me all you want but if I couldn’t take the easy way out neither can you.”
“You…” he grit his teeth as you gave him a raised brow, taunting him to say otherwise.
He huffed, pushing you arms' length away before moving around his bed. He pulled open the drawer of the nightstand and picked something up shoving the drawer closed rather harshly.
You sniffled a bit wiping away stray tears but then you leaned your head to the side as he came back towards you with a black bag.
"Before you say I got this idea from my brother- I thought of this shit when I found out I was your killer." He shoved the object into your hand.
You weren't sure what he meant, but once you pulled out the purple collar, you spoke with swiftly blinking eyes, "Uh- you want to wear a sub collar?"
When you looked up, you could see how extremely pissed Sukuna was at the idea. You almost thought you spoke wrong until he said-
"It was supposed to be yours."
“Uh…” you looked over the collar noticing it was purple and black with a little tag on it that said Sukuna. You were so confused by his anger. . “…do you want me to wear it?”
“No.” He dropped down upon his bed and gestured to his neck with annoyance.
“Oh! You want to wear it?”
“I don’t want to.” He hissed.
“Then don’t? We don’t need this.”
“It’s the only way I will stay around you. It’s either this or I-“
“I’ll put the collar on you.”
“Thought so.”
You bit your lip as you gently undid the collar and fit it around Sukuna’s neck. What an oddly intimate thing it was. But you found it to be cute and funny for your alpha to be pouting during this. He released a disapproving growl as he sat with his fists upon his thighs. Respectful and poised. He was so irritated about the whole thing but it was HIS IDEA!
You wanted to try to convince him he didn’t need to do this but perhaps this was his own way of punishing himself. You knew it was selfish of you but whatever will get him to stay by your side.
“Okay…” you finished making sure the collar wasn’t too snug and fit just right. “…All done…”
“You have to activate it.”
“How do I do that?”
He grabbed you by the wrists and brought your hands around the collar, “Use your curse energy.”
You closed your eyes taking a deep breath as you channeled your energy into the collar. As you did, spikes poked out and stabbed your thumbs- “Ai!” You pulled away, watching as the collar glowed.
“You could have warned me.” You stated, seeing as that was supposed to happen.
“Stop being a pup.” He sucked your thumb into his mouth, licking it clean, and switched to the other and did the same.
All your complaints sucked away.
Once he was done you tried to clear the saliva that had collected in your mouth, “Is it done…?”
“You tell me.” He snorted.
“Oh… I feel the connection.” You moved your hand feeling how the collar reacted to your touch. You could feel this invisible leash as you lifted your hand. You had no idea how this sub collar worked. You wrapped your hand around the invisible leash and it materialized right within your hand. “Ha… wow that’s pretty cool.”
Sukuna knocked your hand away, the leash disappearing, “Don’t get too excited.” He growled at you in irritation.
You released a little laugh, “Sukuna relax I don’t even know how to use this thing.”
“Good.”
“And…” you drawl leaning into him with a knee between his legs, “…I am excited…” you caress his cheek, “…my alpha is here with me… and he won’t try to run away… he can’t run away from me now.” You grinned tapping on his collar.
His hands ran up your thighs to cup around your waist, “I wasn’t running away from you.”
“I know…and I know how hard it is for you to wear this… so thank you Sukuna…” you could still feel his confidence and pride were lacking. You knew this moment wouldn’t completely aid his running mind.
And you knew this wasn’t something he wanted to talk about anymore, because he grabbed the back of your neck and brought you down to kiss him.
There was so much more that needed to be said… You could feel it in the way he touched you. He didn’t say much and neither did you. You allowed your bodies to do the talking. You didn’t use the collar once because you felt him having it on wounded his alpha greatly. Using it would add salt to his wounds.
He didn’t ask you to stay the night but the way he fucked you into the mattress was like he was trying to make sure you didn’t walk out of here.
Which he did successfully.
He was such a whirlwind of emotions, of anger and frustration, but even with all his heavy grunting and tight grip of your flesh- he didn’t forget to kiss you goodnight. In fact, he made it a point to kiss you. To show you he wasn’t mad at you. Grabbing your chin as he glared at you with each kiss. Kissing you with so much force and passion that only Sukuna could accomplish. He did this four times as if to say ‘see I love you’.
You giggled at him, “Goodnight Sukuna.”
“Night brat.”
One day he will actually say the words he’s afraid to say.
But for now, you were content.
And you could resume your thoughts on your past self.
⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆
Chef Notes:
The title of this chapter is a reference to the silent hill song (I know I might like silent hill too much) but I felt it fit since our past self is giving us a message. We will discuss it more but first we gotta make sure Sukuna is alright.
And I know we finally had this conversation with our alpha but as you can see one conversation is not going to help him feel better. He will always think of how he is our killer and it’s all he can think about and the fact he would rather distance himself than wear the sub collar is due to his pride because he feels like a failure of an alpha and wearing the sub collar is in a sense admitting defeat 😭. So he’s extra salty now so give him some time to work out his own emotions 😂.
Yuji when he sees him and Sukuna are matching: 👁️👅👁️
Gojo: 👁️🫦👁️ (I kind of want that too)
P.S tell me why when I was typing reader and Sukuna’s part YouTube decided to play forbidden fruit and I was like, Interesting music choice YouTube 🤔
There’s a lot going on in this meal take your time to digest 😌✨