description: this is whats going on right now. in addition to me finding parking at the end
what my friend told me to write:
"Hi everyone! I know I've been radio silent for a bit, and I'm really sorry for that. Things in my personal life are bad bad bad and it's been difficult to get a free second to think, let alone work. My dad is doing really really bad and I'm the only one taking care of him, and that takes a lot of my time. He's been in and out of the hospital, so keeping up with him and new developments with him is constant. There's other stuff too (when it rains it pours, am i right) but yeah. It's been hard to get anything done these days. Like I said I'm really sorry, and I will get back to making content once things calm down a bit. I haven't forgotten about you guys! Best thing you can do to help is just be patient, stick around, be here when I get back in the swing of things. I miss you all, and I'll make up the time I owe you soon! etc etc"
i think i felt like it was garbage because ive been talking about taking care of my dad a bunch and it doesnt explain why the past 6 weeks have been particularly terrible but anyway the point is it feels scary to post because i'm like, my pre-frontal cortex is somewhat out of commission for the moment, and i only know how to deal with emergencies. or whatever my brain interprets as an emergency. which is sometimes a rug, remind me to tell you that storyi don't know exactly when im coming back and that feels horrible to say because i know i want to come back. but i am on a break. which really feels like admitting defeat. i know thats dramatic. i dunno how to do anything but be transparent and give information so, what's happening acutely is my dad has been in the hospital now for almost 4 weeks, and i'm now helping transition him to go home on hospice, and im the only person who's dealing with it all.
this is my choice in that im choosing to be there for him. it just doesn't feel like a confusing choice. everything in me says no to a nursing home. he's the reason i exist on this earth, he's the reason i think the way i think, why i have the mind that i do. so, even if its hard, even if it's a sacrifice, even if i'm on my own, even if he was a deeply flawed person, i need to make sure he dies with dignity, and i just couldn't possibly let him die alone. i need to make sure all of his final wishes are respected to whatever extent is humanly possible.
in terms of: "when does he pass?" i believe we're talking about weeks/months, but any event could shorten that, and of course, it could go longer, but i'll keep you updated at the end of the month!
I think me making an audio is unrealistic, and I think it would be helpful if I just took that pressure off for the next 4 weeks, but its not like... impossible. I decided not to pause billing because it should just be up to you, and i want to leave the option open for people who want to continue their support. BUT! Please lemme know if you'd like a refund and I'll issue it to you as soon as i can.
I'm a little insecure about this ramble because it's pretty vulnerable but I just don't know what to do other than full transparency, so there ya have it
i have a lot to say about everything, but all posts must come to an end eventually~~~
ta ta for now, i'll see you on the other side.
if you have any pressing questions please lemme know and i will maybe just make one of my friends respond to your questions for me, i'm trying to utilize my little support network ya know what i mean?
i'm very much looking forward to feeling like me again
and i do miss you
and i am grateful for you.
xoxoxo
warmly,
emma