ooooo okay yeah this morning felt different.
Not bad-different. Good different! Tingly different!
We woke up all tangled up in his tiny bed, after he was dry nursing all night. Its like my nipples want him now lol. We barely fit even before I stretched out. He was warm and soft and right where he was supposed to be, tucked in close, and I didn’t want to move yet. I could feel him breathing against me, all steady now, giving me little kisses, still sucking once in a while. He called me ‘mommy’ when he said good morning without me needing to tell him. I called him my baby, used my baby-time voice, and he seemed to like that a lot. Eventually tho I got him dressed, putting us both in some jeans. Then putting him in my bra with me, strapping him to me. He’s getting used to it. To me.
Good.
I kept him there for a while, just letting the morning happen around us. The light coming in through those cheap blinds, all gold and stripy across the walls. His apartment is so small. I like that. Everything close. Everything where I can reach it.
Him especially.
He stayed pressed to me while I got myself ready, didn’t complain when I kept him there longer than usual. He’s learning.
“Just a little longer,” I’d murmured, and he didn’t argue. Just stayed. Arms wrapped around my waist, feet not reaching the floor, clinging to me. Breathing from me.
Good boy.
The voices were low at first. Then more. Then a lot more.
I paused, I could feel it before I really heard it - like a hum under my skin. Not loud, just…there.
People, outside.
“Oh,” I said, soft, curious more than anything.
I moved toward the window, slow at first, then a little faster. Something in my chest was already starting to flutter. Not nerves. Not exactly excitement either.
Anticipation.
I made sure to take him out of my bra they’re not ready to see this just yet haha. Then I pulled the blinds aside.
And - oh - there were so many of them.
Gathered in the parking lot, all facing the building, all their little faces angled upward like they already knew where to look. I spotted Randi right away, standing in front of them, talking, hands moving as she explained something. She looked good, really confident.
She was doing good.
That made something warm settle in me. But they weren’t really looking at her any more. They’d been waiting.
For me.
That thought didn’t feel weird the way it probably should have. It didn’t make me pause or question anything it just kinda clicked into place.
“Oh my,” I whispered, and I was already opening the window.
Cool air brushed over my skin. I leaned out just a little, one hand on the frame, hair falling loose around my shoulders. It was probably a mess!
And then I waved. Just, like - hi! That’s all I meant it to be. Casual and like, easy. But the second they saw me - something kinda haha snapped out there.
The sound changed first. A ripple, then more like a - I dunno - surge. Movement across the whole crowd like wind hitting the tall grass. People stepping forward, hands lifting, voices breaking. My super hearing heard it all.
One of them dropped straight to her knees. I saw it happen. Fast. Hard enough I heard that too, onto the pavement.
Someone started crying. And not quiet, not embarrassed. Open. Like they wanted me to hear it. Other people were calling my name, they wanted me to hear them too. Someone even omg said “Mother”
- that hit me in the chest a little - not just the word but what came with it, all of it, their attention, their need for something - every single one of them - locked onto me at once.
It poured.
Warmth and tingles spread through me first, like stepping into a bath that was just a little hotter than you thought it’d be. It soaked into my ribs, my stomach, my shoulders. Filled the space under my skin like there had like been room there waiting for it.
“Oh haha”
My breath caught cuz it didn’t stop there it moved. Upward and outward like - yeah. My spine straightened without me telling it to, my shoulders pulled back, my chin lifted.
Yes.
That felt right!
I could feel them. Not just see them, or hear them - feel them. Each little flicker of attention, each breath, each thought turning toward me like I was the center of it.
Like I was supposed to be!
A small sound slipped out of me before I could stop it, half laugh, half something else. But I could tell they heard it, they liked it. So I decided I’d give them more.
“Hey guys,” I said, because that was what came to mind. That’s just me! But my voice carried farther than it should have. Its not like I pushed it. I didn’t even try. It just…reached. Out. Across the parking lot.
“Thanks for coming here to see me, but it’s so early!” I added, smiling, because it was funny. There were still a few brown leaves on some of the trees across the parking lot and my eyes could see them shaking, some of them falling, like there was a wind. But it wasn’t the wind - it was my voice! “I hope you all are, like - getting enough sleep,” I decided to say. I looked over them all, and I smiled - I couldn’t help it. I also couldn’t help but, like, give them more direction. Cuz i knew they wanted me to tell them what to do. “Drink your water,” I told them, not really knowing what else to say (I should think about this for next time!) “And make sure to call your moms.”
A few of them laughed through tears.
But they didn’t look away, none of them did.
And the feeling - wow, it was good. And it kept building. Not sharp or like overwhelming just…more. More warmth, more fullness in my boobs, more of that soft buzzing spreading out through my arms and down my legs, settling low in my belly, almost like coiling there in a way that made my toes curl slightly against the floor. I get this kind of feeling when I post to Instagram or GirlToob, or when I’m on TV, But in person? This is better.
I shifted my weight, barely noticing. And I looked out over all of them.
Mine. Their attention is mine.
The thought slipped in so easily it almost didn’t register.
They’re mine.
Not in a mean way. Not in a, like, taking-over-their-lives way. Just, y’know…true. Like how you say something belongs in a place because it fits there perfectly.
They fit. Here.
With me.
For half a second - just like a tiny second - I leaned into it. Let it come in fully. Let it fill me.
And something in me answered back.
It expanded.
The world felt a little sharper, and brighter. A little clearer, and I was right in the middle of all of it.
“Oh,” I breathed again, softer this time.
That was new. That was -
It was like a flicker of something - a thought, maybe, an idea? - tried to form around it.
What is this? Why does this feel-?
It didn’t quite stick, but I liked it, I liked it a lot.
Behind me, I felt him move. Small shift, familiar and just over my shoulder.
He was grounding me. He was important.
I blinked. They all watched me.
And just like that, I made a choice: Not to stop. Just to…not keep going.
Not yet. It was too early. He would tell me that. Let’s wait.
Until I’m bigger.
My smile softened. Smaller this time. More private.
“Okay,” I murmured, mostly to mysel, but I felt him nod.
My hand reached back without looking, finding his wrist easily. Wrapping around it, warm and sure.
“C’mon.”
I pulled him in, away from the window, away from the light, away from all of them. The moment the connection broke, the feeling didn’t vanish but it dipped, just enough to notice. Just enough to make something in me go:
“…oh.”
I hope they’ll be back.
I shut the window, pulled the blinds down, cut them off.
For now.
And the quiet that followed felt different - not like empty or calm, but like….
Charged.
Like I was charged. Like it was charging me, ike the air still remembered.
I turned toward him, heart beating a little faster now, that warmth and energy and buzz still moving through me, not fading so much as…looking for somewhere to go.
I let out a breath that wasn’t steady.
“Okay,” I said again, softer. I felt my eyes flash. I saw the change come over his face. He looked a little nervous.
Because I knew exactly what I needed.
I started undoing my pants.
And this time
I didn’t wait.
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