Hi patrons!
Once again thank you for sticking around and please do not feel any obligation to! i want to share some thoughts and let you once again peak into my brains.
In my last post which was already 2 weeks ago, I thought I was ready to get back into the work world and start shooting, but the thought did not materialize. However, I did begin shooting last night and felt good about it! I will continue shooting tonight (my sleeping schedule is weird rn) and will work my hardest to get this Manson series off its feet. Due to the nature of my content on Edwin's Generation, I tend to feel intimidated on how to approach it. Everything from the writing to the inflections in my voice to the editions on camera, etc. etc. This is not really a new thing but it hasn't gotten easier. Typically I would procrastinate this feeling by putting focus on the "Homeboy" channel, but the idea of that channel has become a worse type of stressor which is the polar opposite of the initial purpose. I created that channel to do chill livestreams and casually offer my opinion/insight about whatever. After January, I feel the fun has been completely drained out of it. That doesn't mean I'm quitting livestream to any degree - it's in my blood! It's how I started to first gain a following over a decade ago on BlogTV haha.
Despite being more disconnected socially, I am still aware of what's going on in the space and there certain events that really motivate me to get back into livestreaming and express myself. For example, the Dream/John Swan situation really made me feel confused because on one hand, why is Dream searching himself up in random tiny reddit posts and making bold claims? Makes me wonder if he's the type to have eyes and ears in every corner of the internet (I'm thinking he does especially after present day findings). Then seeing him go on Drama Alert a day after saying he was finished with the drama (???). THEN the Kavos interview - which was much better. However, to then learn that John lied about every aspect of his story to the extent that he wrote up a google doc and even did a reading of it to further cover up his lies while also allowing commentary youtubers to defend him... THAT hurt. I felt confused and disappointed, but I know that if I was livestreaming or on Twitter, I would have very likely been sticking up for him as well. I think had I done that I might feel angry but I just feel confused and disappointed. John did fantastic readings in my video on Manson and if you follow my livestreams, you may have heard him speak. During my breakdown livestream, he was especially supportive. I hope he realizes that the time he is offline will be highly beneficial to him and there is no need to set a deadline to "come back." Yeah, that can very much be directly related to me.
Somebody left quite an angry comment on my instagram a week or so ago - which I wish I screenshotted because they removed it after my reply - and they shamed me for not posting my follow up video on Manson since my caption reads that I had hoped to have an update by that weekend. I had posted that picture/caption on the day Evan and the first 3 girls came out - this was still before the numerous updates and stories continued to come out which made it impossible for me to come out with a video for that weekend unless I just did an "easy" video where I provided no new research or thought out intellect. It did remind me, however, of people's expectations and need for instant gratification.
All I can say for now is that I will be back to livestreaming when the time is right. I cannot just assume that it will be something easy to do and talk about after the last livestream when I thought I had to. Despite being a lot more emotionally stable, I cannot have distractions. This time away has helped me re-center myself and reminded me of my goals. Why I do what I do. Let me tell you something, I definitely don't do what I do to convince others of why I do what I do! I have bigger things to put my time and work into and that is what I will choose to do. I feel that's where I left off and would prefer to pick up where my objective has been instead. Once that's better actualized, you can expect to see more of me :)
I hope this goes out to everyone in case anyone should decide to pull out since March is about to come in and I did not deliver any perks this month. As always, I encourage anyone who needs to pull out or edit their pledge to do so if necessary and do not feel bad. if we are due for a call, I will still deliver! I'll be making a post in a bit with open slots on the calendar and ofc they roll over to next month if you are still here then! I will also be responding to a few msgs, ok!
I really hope everyone's taking care of themselves. Thank you all for the kind love and support. Now let's get back to work!!