Hey everyone!
I have been receiving messages not only from some of you but others via Instagram and such asking how I'm doing. I'm super grateful to know people care. People on discord even prepared a "dear edwin" saying so many nice things that my eyes leaked before I could get through even a few. Despite all this, I'm unfortunately not in top shape - otherwise, you'd see my cheesy smile on livestream like "the olden days."
I did not respond to the comments or messages from people asking where I was or if I was okay mainly because I am not a fan of self pity or having people feel bad for me. However, at the same time, one of my most prominent characteristics is being an open book and sometimes even over sharing so it was conflicting to not even communicate with people at all. In a vague way to let people know how I have been doing, I decided to post a story just letting people know that "I miss feeling whole." To be honest, the biggest reason of why I feel so distraught is I feel I have been stripped away of a big part of who I /was/. That part of me that wasn't afraid to share my opinion. The Edwin who could laugh and show shock on camera to remind you that it is human to react in these ways to terrible controversies or people. I would be lying if I said I haven't felt destroyed since *feeling* as if I was involuntarily turned into something I am not. No matter how optimistic I try to be every day, it is very difficult for me to feel motivated or not feel that negative conditioning when it comes to the idea of creating youtube videos again.
I suppose that would be my elaboration of the Instagram story I posted being "I miss feeling whole." It's just I really don't want to have to explain this in masses to further be scrutinized or dissected or even have people feel bad for me or just feel bad if I'm misunderstood. I guess every outcome seems bad, but I am hoping Patreon can remain a somewhat "safe space" to at least share a few thoughts such as these.
I do sincerely apologize for being mopey, but don't worry. Like I said, I don't like the idea of people feeling bad for me so I am sharing this because /at least in this very moment/ I am feeling optimistic. I am trying to set small goals to get back into making videos among other things. In fact, I have one that I made for a completely different category that I have hinted at in the past. You guys will be the first to see it tomorrow.
Lastly, the offer to refund you is still completely open! I am completely flattered by the continued support, but I haven't delivered and maybe you can see it less like a "refund" and more like me helping you find a few dollars underneath the pile of clothes in your room, haha. You can stay a patreon too! Last time I will offer this because I don't want you guys thinking I'm ditching Patreon!! haha. New video JUST for you guys tomorrow (well it's public on youtube now but under a new channel) and I will also open up slots for those who want to have a call with me.
Thank you thank you again for your support!
Edwin